Be Strong! Be Kind

Those are the words I tell myself every morning when I wake up desolate and thinking here I go; do it again... And it is so HARD! My wife of 34 years died of Sarcoma in February. We were inseparable for 34 years. We did almost everything together... A total; best friend SoulMate type situation where we'd finish each other's thoughts. I feel so utterly alone in my grieving I am not really interested in anything anymore. I used to like stuff. I am totally blank or in hot burning tears. I am new to this and it took a huge amount of effort to come onto this site. I have read so many messages I can relate to! I hope this helps...

 

eyepilot 13, I wrote a "thread"to you when
you wrote to me. My user name was Van
Gogh. My name is Lou. My wife, of 25
years, was Linda, who died suddrnly, in
front of me, at 68. Thank you for sharing
Valerie's name and your powerful and
heartbreaking poem about her. I hope
you will stay with us on Grief in Common.
You have a lot to give, and we can all
comfort each other here. As I may have
asked somewhere else ( I can be
technologically challenged, insecure, and
impatient), what is your real name? It
may be easier to relate. Sorry that I
repeated myself. Linda was much more
used to the Internet than I was. Lou

 

Me too! Valerie was the internet person! Clicking away all cute on her lapTop all evening! I am George and I'm trying to still figure out the interface here of the various threads and means of communicating! I was ok with computers then everything about them gets changed around and you have to keep reLearning the same skills... I can barely do EMail at this point. This group seems pretty cool and itz great to talk to someone else!

 

Glad you stuck with it, George! I almost
quit, in frustration, and emailed the
founder of Grief in Common, Karyn
Arnold, and she showed me the easiest
way to follow and to reply to the "threads".
Now, it's second nature, but I was unsure
with you, in the beginning! Lou

 

I totally understand the effort it took to share your story and thoughts. I’m glad you pushed through your anxiety to join this community. I didn’t even search for a site to join until it was almost a year after Ron passed. I had no desire, and I wasn't in a good place emotionally or physically. I was struggling. After finding this site and finally having people reach out that know exactly how I was feeling, I felt a comfort that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I credit this site for helping me along this horrible journey that no one wants to be on but we’ve come together here helping one another realize they are not alone. Not feeling interested in doing the things you used to enjoy is very normal. I still struggle with that. I have a hard time buying anything other then necessities too. My mind says, Ron can’t enjoy his hobbies or get something new so I can’t either. I’ve gotten some better with that but it’s still difficult. Things do get better, just take one day at a time. .

 

Thank you so much for your response! I am still quite overwhelmed with the awesome content on this site and learning the interface so I can effectively communicate with others... So I'm trying to be careful and patient...

I get up feeling so desolate and thinking here I go get through another day and I have dialysis which is four hours of sitting in an uncomfortable chair with needles in me doing nothing but thinking about how Valerie would make sure the door was unlocked (no matter how sick she was) and she'd be there and I'd text her every hour and she'd text ack "you can do it!"... Now I come home and can't wait to climb in bed and try to forget.

Saturdays are the hardest of days. She died on Saturday... I was at Dialysis...

 

Robin, your kind words to George
sum up exactly how I felt before deciding
to join Grief in Common.



I cleared out the clutter in
my apartment, and feel better. My upstairs
neighbors, a couple in their 50s, told me
half jokingly that I live a Zen like life.
I choose not to have a TV. I rely on my
smart phone, for unlimited phone
calls,Internet, news headlines on mute,
lectures, and of course, music of my
choosing, and of my many moods. I also
gave up my car so I can walk everywhere
in my small seaside town. If I need to go
to the larger, nearby city, I hop on a bus.
One of the benefits of being a "senior",
are the senior rates for bus fares, barbers,
etc. I'm grateful to God every day, for
being able to afford to rent an apartment,
on Social Security, and to have Medicare
for unexpected health issues. There
were times , in my reckless youth of
drinking too much, or driving too fast,
that I could have died, way before I met
Linda. I say a prayer to God, by the
ocean, every morning that I can live in
God's natural beauty. Lou

 

you’re doing great navigating this site. I couldn’t figure out where to start either. I reached out to Karen and I finally told my story but no one replied. I thought I put it in the wrong area or something. I had to reach out to her a few times and she was so helpful. I think 8 or 9 days after my first post I finally had a response and I’ve been on here ever since. Everyone on here feels like a friend it’s a safe place to share and get other peoples perspectives on things. Mornings and nights and weekends are very hard parts of the days. Your wife Valerie sounds like a very special person. I understand how lonely you must feel while sitting and on dialysis. You miss having Valerie to chat with, I’m so sorry you were at dialysis when she passed. And I’m sure that’s where your mind wonders while you’re there now. That can’t be easy. I feel for you. But Valerie is there with you. Ron passed on a Saturday too and I counted off how many weeks each Saturday. Having our phones so quiet with our spouses texting us, that was and still is so hard for me. Some of the main things we miss are the little things. And there’s no one to fill in those gaps.
I’ll end by quoting your lovely wife Valerie.
“You can do it!”

 

It’s curious why we find it difficult to join this site. I think it’s the unknown and feeling vulnerable. Do I really want to share my private story. But we all made the right decision and it feels right.
I understand the need to declutter and how that can make you feel better.
Your seaside town sounds wonderful. I love nature and love spending time on the beach. I have RA in most my joints. I have trouble getting around so I couldn’t walk everywhere like you do. I wish I could though. The fresh air you get while walking is a good thing. And keeps you moving. It sounds like you’ve figured out ways to stay busy and what feels right for you. That’s a good thing.

 

Robin, I feel bad about your RA and
inability to walk outside like you used to.
I had a fall recently, my knee tensed up,
and I couldn't tie my sneakers, or use
stairs, without it hurting. I went to s
rehab place, where a kind, young, married
mother, was my PT. Before we did the leg
exercises, I wanted to talk with her about
Linda. I started crying, and she offered
me kleenex. I thanked her for being my
therapist. When she put her hands on me
to help me, it felt so good. After I got better, I decided to be kind to myself &
have a pedicure. Linda would've laughed
bc I always thought that was for women.
When I put my feet in the warm whirlpool
before the pedicure, I talked with another
young, married woman, and teared up
again, bc the woman listened & was so
comforting and kind. I made an
appointment in 6 weeks. With grief, it's
vital to be kind to yourself. Lou

 

George, I can't imagine what your Sat is
like, in that uncomfortable chair, and that
Valerie died on a Sat. It must be extra horrible that you can't read, or anything
while undergoing dialysis. Is it a noisy
process? Just woke up in middle of night,
to reply to Deb, Cynde, Robin, and you.
Now, I'm spent, & have to go back to
sleep. Hope we "talk" on Sunday. Lou

 

Good Sunday morning, Deb. I have
another place for you to look up: Two
Little Birds Cafe, across from Front
Beach. I'm eating breakfast here right
now, looking out to sea. This was under
the ownership of the current owner's
parents, when Linda & I sat on a bench
across the street. I used to bring us food
from the takeout window, & we'd sit on
the bench. For some reason, I didn't cry
this morning, or now. Maybe it was
seeing the full of life, elegant Ginny
on Main St, at twilight last night. It also
could have been my long, soulful talk
with Roger. Bc his wife had dementia,
she couldn't speak the last 2 years of her
life. He missed the sound of her voice.
One morning, as he was waking up, God
granted his wish, and he heard his wife
talk to him. Roger has a mischievous
sense of humor, which keeps him young.
He said his wife "growled" at him! Lou

 

There is the constant "thumpThump- kerThump" of the machines and they give off random loud beeps and chimes that are real loud and sudden. If I move my right arm the needles could get loose and cause "infiltration" quite painful. (I hope itz ok to talk so much about myself... it has all been bottled up since I left teaching. I couldn't always talk to Valerie, she was too sick!) I am trapped on the left by a blood pressure cuff they do BP every half hour. The best thing is the nice techs and Ice. Never liked Ice - just plain crushed ice- until Dialysis. I could at least read for half the time yesterday and then thankfully could nap. I woke up today in massive pain dreaming Valerie was there comforting me... it was weird. I think I'm better now. Talking to you helps. Thank you !!!!

 

George,

I just read your message to Lou, and I wish there was something I could do to make Saturdays easier for you. I can't even begin to imagine how horrible it is, having to sit in that chair for four hours, not being able to move your right arm, and having to have a blood pressure cuff on your left arm the entire time. The noises alone would drive me batty. Does music help to muffle any of that noise? I'm glad yesterday you were able to read for awhile and also manage to take a nap.

I'm sorry you had that beautiful dream about Valerie, because I know how miserable it is waking up, only to realize that Bob isn't beside me. It makes me feel even more alone, more lonely than I already do, if this is even possible.

I'm glad talking to Lou is helping you as you continue along this miserable path that not one of us would have chosen to take. I don't know how I would make it through this if it wasn't for Lou, and for everyone else here. All of us will get through this together!!!

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Oh, God, that noise and pain are awful.
To think I was a baby about getting an
MRI. I had heard all kind of horrible
things, from claustrophobia, to noise. It
wasn't as bad as I feared, bc a friend told
me to close my eyes, and not look up). I
concentrated on the song, "Rocket Man",
and the repetitive verses actually made
me doze. ( I had also taken a mild
sedative right before, which helped!).
I'm glad you were able to read & sleep
a little. Again, you are a brave man. Lou

 

Hey Lou! I so appreciate that. I've tried music too, but with the mask and all the tubes and crud everywhere the headphones add in another inconvenience. Fortunately I have meds r=that help to some extent. All I want to do during D is doze... not even think too much.

 

Lou,

Responding to this a bit late, it's much closer to dinner time than breakfast!! I'm so sorry, I didn't see this message until now. When I responded to another message also from today, I remembered you telling me about Roger and Ginny in previous messages. I think I'm getting messages mixed up. I'm not sure if this makes sense, my brain is scrambled today!!!, total understatement!!!

Thank you for mentioning the Little Birds Cafe. I just checked it out. What a perfect way to start the day... a good breakfast, lots of coffee, and gorgeous ocean views. Seeing pictures of your town, brings back so many wonderful memories... I'm smiling as I'm "talking" to you. The more pictures I see, the more things I remember, the more I want to move back "home."

I hope I'm emotionally strong enough to be able to take a trip "home" sometime this spring. I know I'm repeating myself, and I know things will never be the same if I were to move back home, but at the same time, a part of me feels like "home" is where I belong. I feel like no matter where I go, my heart will always be back "home..." I'm so confused, I have so much to think about. As much as I want to return "home," I feel like I need to start over again, in a place where Bob and I have never lived. But, at the same time, I'm not sure if I'll ever really be able to be happy, unless I'm back "home," where I have "roots." I know, I'm rambling and not making much sense...

I'm also smiling because I'm so happy you didn't cry this morning!!! I hope that this is the beginning of many more mornings without tears. Friends as special as Ginny and Roger are rare. I'm so happy they are a part of your life. I laughed when I read that Roger said his wife "growled" at him!

I haven't been able to eat pasta since Bob passed away. I can't believe I'm saying this, but after almost six months, I'm in the mood for pasta tonight. I'm going to start dinner.

Hope your evening turns out to be just as good as your day was...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Just read your Two Little Birds message,
after dinner. I think you're catching up
with my emails. I write when the spirit
moves. I'm usually sleeping by 9:30pm,
bc of meds. But, if I wake up in the middle
of night, I sometimes reply to people.
Robin tends to go to sleep after midnight,
and I responded to her recently. I'm an early riser, and sometimes, there's nobody
to reply to, that early! George's schedule
seems to be the closest to mine. I feel like
we're "talking" on the phone, like you and
I do! Although I didn't cry this am,
( hooray, me), I was exhausted when I
walked home late afternoon. I walked a
lot, talked with a lot of people, and had
my time with Guppa, the dog. I fell into
bed for a nap. As I was waking up, I had
a sad image of Linda, cried into my
pillow, and told her I loved her, in my
anguish. Well, THAT sucked. I made myself some green tea, bc it was cool getting out
of bed, and had a GF sandwich. I like to eat light at night, and big breakfasts in the
morning. When I was young, my favorite
foods were spaghetti ( before we called it
pasta!) & meat sauce, and a big, juicy
steak. Now that I'm a senior, neither
appeals to me. I used to eat fried clams,
scallops, French fries, also. But, I stay
away from that, bc of cross contamination
with gluten crumbs. I don't feel deprived
at all, bc there are so many GF products,
including bread, now. I also drank beer
all my life, but when my doctor found out
I had Celiac, I stopped. Later. bc of
my downward spiral of depression, I
stopped all alcohol. I take a multivitamin
with iron now. My model is Guppa, who
likes fruits & veggies! Lou

 

Lou,

This seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions just as you said it, sucks!!! It sucks big time!!! I'm glad you enjoyed most of your day, but sorry about the sad image you had of Linda as you were waking up from your nap. I sometimes dread going to sleep because I'm so afraid of having dreams where Bob and I are together, waking up, and having to relive the entire nightmare all over again, knowing Bob is gone. I wish there was some kind of time limit for how long we have to endure this kind of misery. A good night's sleep was another one of those things I used to take for granted.

You made me smile when you said Guppa is your model because he likes fruits and veggies. My very favorite dog, the one I wrote about a few days ago, loved fruits and veggies!!! One of her favorite veggies was carrots, and her very favorite fruit was watermelon. She was super smart. She had a large plastic "toy box" in the shape of a bone. She loved stuffed toys and her toy box was filled with them. She knew the name for each one of them and my daughter taught her to play hide and seek. She would call our dog over to her, tell her to sit, and stay, while she hid one of her stuffed toys somewhere in the house. Once it was hidden, she would tell our dog to go find "Mr. Eggplant," or "Mr. Burger," or whatever toy she decided to hide. She could hide the toy anywhere in the house, either upstairs or downstairs, and it was so cute watching our dog look for it. When she found it, she would excitedly drop it at my daughters' feet, or at mine, or at whoever was playing hide and seek with her at the time. We would throw it, she would return it to us, and then expect us to hide another toy. At the end of the day, we used to tell her to put her toys away, and she would carry each one back to the box and drop it inside. When her toy box was full of toys, we could tell her to bring us "Mr. Duck" and she would find the duck and bring it back to us, waiting for us to tell her which toy to bring to us next. So sorry!!! I didn't mean to bore you with stories of my dog, but once I get going, I could keep on "talking" about her forever... I still miss her so much... My friend who lives a few streets away from me, several of my neighbors, and my doctor, think it's time for me to get another "fur baby," but I'm just not ready (yet).

Bob was much more of a meat and potatoes kind of person, and I was much more of a fruit and veggie kind of person before we met. I hardly ever ate red meat until I met him. In the warmer months, one of my favorite meals has always been a large salad, made with lots of veggies and fruit, topped with a piece of grilled chicken, shrimp or fish. Bob would do the grilling and I would make the salad. He loved baby back ribs. I didn't even know I liked them until the first time he made them for me. I got him to eat healthier and he got me to be a bit more adventurous.

I hope by now, you're sound asleep.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, just woke up. I never use an alarm.
now that I'm retired, but I don't like to
oversleep, either. Must've had a lot of
dreams, not about Linda, but about my
interactions with people, bc I feel tired.
I laugh WITH you, not AT you when you
say, "sucks" and use 3 exclamation points
!!! or when you say "total understatement"!!! Loved your detailed
stories about your smart dog, her toys,
and her playing with your daughter. May
I be a pain, AGAIN, & ask your late dog's
name? Linda's parents were so lazy and
ridiculous, that they called their mini
poodle, "Poopsie". When we had to take
care of her, she didn't come when we
called her name. I wonder why. There was
a young woman here in town, from
somewhere else. She had an Australian
Shepherd, named North, who was the
smartest dog I ever knew. If you threw
his small, yellow football a long distance,
he would run like hell, and bring it back
& put it down at your feet, stare at you,
waiting for you to throw the ball again.
He hated loud trucks & motorcycles, so
the owner would place the ball in North's
mouth, as a pacifier! One day, the young
woman said they were moving out of
their small apartment to a house, with a
big yard, out of state. I'm happy for them,
but I miss them, bc I used to see them
every day. Linda loved The Westminster
Dog Show, and the little dogs, who would
run, with their little legs, and happy
smiles. She also loved Goldens & Labs.
We learned a lot about breeds. After we
had to give up "Poopsie", I'm grateful that
Linda was able to meet dogs & their
owners on the Boulevard at Gloucester
Harbor. I loved hearing about Bob being
the "grillmaster" & your healthy salads.
We liked baby back ribs also. It's so strange
that I loved beer, especially draft beer, in
pubs & bars, since freshman year in college, through my time with Linda, who
preferred Scotch or vodka martinis, and
now, I don't care. I used to make fun of
older guys who were teetotalers. I never,
in a million years, thought I'd become one.
Life is do unpredictable and strange
sometimes. All of this, of course, is so
trivial compared to the deaths of Bob and
Linda, which leaves a void in our hearts.
Glad I have my Mon am phone therapy
session today, wait for it, with a great
guy, named Bob. Lou