~ ~ ~ B I L L ~ ~ ~

Bill had been my sister's husband. Married in the early 70's for a little over a yr, they divorced & parted ways. Over the yrs she kept trying to find him & when she did, he was married. Fast forward to 2009. Bill finding himself alone & lonely after a yr or so of grieving since his wife became ill & died, decided to call her. In a few mos. they remarried, but again, a little over a yr later, my sister initiated divorce. Bill was a software engineer, had a master's degree in computer sciences & was going for his doctorate. He was a contractor with aerospace Cos. a Marine Vietnam vet. & I met him in 2009. I was living in the Midwest & in 2010, after working in Afghanistan, on his way to his next contract one State over, he came thru my town. Fresh from the war zone, divorce, a new job, relocation; his plate was pretty full. We kept in touch, talked almost every day & discovered how compatible & like-minded we were. He had left his beloved dog Kiva in my care & she was a good playmate for my boxer-mix Pixie. Once he got settled in his new job & area, he was soon driving every wkend to see Kiva & me. 5 1/2 hrs. each way, we were on our cells talking the whole way. When that job ended, his new job took him 2 States away but he still came home every wkend except in the winter when the rds. were icy. 8 1/2 hrs. each way. Again, talking on our cells all the way. Bill would bring his laundry home and I loved seeing his clothes blowing in the breeze on the clothesline. As these things have a way of naturally happening & progressing, our friendship grew closer & love started to bloom. My almost 20-yr marriage had ended 3 yrs prior & my inde-pendence had grown at that point. After being in an essentially loveless marriage, I told Bill that I would never marry again. Famous last words. Bill said that when I changed my mind, tell him. One day out of the blue, I blurted out " So, when are we getting married?" He got so excited, didn't waste one second, started suggesting what, where, when, how, etc., I said "slow down, I'm starting to feel a little trapped," We saved the talk for a later date.If only I hadn't back-pedaled. I introduced him to everyone in town. Those who knew us asked when we were getting married, those who didn't asked how long we'd been married. Bill's last contract due to end in March, was on the East coast 13 1/2 hrs one way. His Co. was on a time crunch & he worked for days on end, no days off. We planned to go to Vegas in July & tie the knot, but his contract kept getting extended & he couldn't get away, so after one more ext. in Aug. he finally came home. I hadn't seen him in 3 months. My mom had planned to visit the end of Aug. & so Bill had barely just gotten home & here was mom. Bill & I wrestled with how the family might accept us, him being with one sister, now the other, but Bill & mom had always gotten along & during her visit, they had long talks. Mom point-blank told him that he had married the wrong daughter. She saw what a good fit Bill & I were together. As I walked into the room, they were finishing a conversation. Bill had the biggest smile on his face when he declared that we were going to Vegas in Dec. He didn't say, but I knew, mom just gave her blessing and we were going to get married. Sadly, it was not to be. On September 9, 2015 at around 3 a.m., I couldn't sleep & was hand-washing dishes in the kitchen when Bill came in & said he wasn't feeling well. I helped him back to bed & asked what I could do to make him feel better. Water? Wet washcloth? I asked if I should call 911. When he said "yes, please." I panicked. My brain was suddenly not connected to my fingers & I struggled to dial 9-1-1. My fingers were shaking so badly I couldn't press 9-1-1 on my phone & grabbed his. Can you imagine not being able to call 9-1-1? The EMTs got there in under 10 minutes & Bill was alert & smiling at me. That was Bill; in jeopardy, but not wanting to worry me further. Then he was in distress & they took him to the ambulance. The thought of Bill dying never entered my mind. I thought he had a bronchial issue. I didn't know that I would never see him alive again. I never got to tell him how much I love him nor say goodbye. Pixie cried every night for 2 wks wondering where he was. This great, fun, funny, wonderful, thoughtful, considerate, loving, generous, joyful, intelligent, protective, respectful, gentle, honest, handsome gentleman who opened doors for me, helped put on my jacket, my socks, tied my shoelaces, fixed me tea in the morning, helped tint & brush my hair, massaged my feet, brought me wildflowers, tolerated my cold toes in the winter, always had a ready smile, gave the best hugs & kisses, who always put me first, was always concerned with my well-being, called me from work at least 2x a day every day, appreciated everything, liked good coffee blends, yogurt, mango pepper jelly, ghost & Carolina reaper hot sauces, "24" & Hawaii 5-0 on tv, Enya & Cher, Gregorian chants, Indian flute music, building computers, sports, who won martial arts trophies (I could keep going.) my joy, best friend, confi-dante, soulmate, the best thing that ever happened to me, the love of my life - was gone. Forever. He was only 65. He was healthy, an exercise buff, didn't eat garbage food, drink alcohol, smoke, take any drugs. Why God, why? Even now, almost 2 yrs later, I can't wrap my brain around the concept of "gone.forever." My brain wishes it could will Bill to turn his key in the door lock, even though we now live in a different house, in a different State. I still cry almost every day. I only knew Bill for 5 1/2 years, but it felt like I'd known him all my life. In all that time, we never fought once, nor uttered one unkind word to each other. We used to lay in bed & talk "what ifs." What if we instead had met all those years ago. How many kids would we have? What would they be doing? We had plans to travel to places here & abroad. We compared lives to see if we might have crossed paths. We never ran out of things to talk about. I thanked him often & told him how grateful I was for him. Doing any-thing with Bill was fun. I did everything I could to make him happy, & vice versa. Bill was an early-riser. Every morning he was home, he'd greet me with a big smile on his face as I walked into the dining room & would first ask if I slept well, then "What can I get you" & after a little while, "What can I do for you," not just once, but thru the day. I miss so much hearing him say those things. We didn't have many sit-down dinners at restaurants; we would instead order take-out. I told him that I wanted his undivided attention & didn't want to share him with anybody. Big smile. After he died, for a long time, I couldn't listen to music or watch tv because inevitably I would hear or see some-thing that would trigger my sadness. My house & 2 storage units are full of stuff & wanting to hold on to as much of him as I can, can hardly bear to go thru & sort his stuff, The clothes he last wore are in plastic garment bags to preserve his scent. Toiletries in plastic bins hold echoes of things he once touched. Bill & I had routines & the first time I went to the grocery store alone, I couldn't stop crying. My heart felt as if being weighted down with dumbbells & an elephant was on my chest. Last winter, I joined an online dating svc. I was so lonely, I just wanted to reach out to someone, anyone. I found myself gravitating towards men who resembled Bill. I had a 6-mo. subscription but in 2 wks. I only found 1 interes-ting person, who had lost his wife 8 mos. earlier but was well on his way to a new love. I realized that I should take the time to heal first, being still in the grips of grieving & mourning Bill. How long will I be like this? Sad to say, but I didn't grieve this much when my dad died. I have rheum. arth. & some of my joints bear witness. I want to move on & find someone with whom to share love but lack the confidence that anyone else would be attracted to me. Grieving has aged me. I've aged 10 yrs in the last 2. Hard to believe that's me looking back in the mirror. I live alone, so thru the day, I have one-sided conversations with Bill. I tell him how much I love & will always love him, miss & will always miss him, wish he were here to share the life we looked forward to having, living under one roof, how much I desperately need & sorely miss his presence & his valuable input when I have to make a decision, etc. I seem to have forgotten what it's like to be independent. Bill took care of so many things for me because he loved me. He was intuitive & would do things without being asked. He was my man & I, his woman. I say "Hi honey, I'm home" when I come in, or "My love, I'm going to the store, come with me." His ashes are on my mantle. He deserves a full military burial but I just can't bear not to have him with me for now. I miss his touch. I hug his Vietnam vet naval aviator jacket when I desperately need a hug. I have recordings of some of our conversations; but hearing his voice would make me more sad. Still too soon. It's comforting knowing I have them. I was/am so deeply and completely in love with Bill. When he died, half of me went with him. I used to long for death just so that I could be with him since I had lost my very reason for living. I was merely existing. I am merely existing. I wrote that pre-Bill, my world was in black & white; during Bill, my life was in full IMAX high def technicolor. Now, it's sadly back to black, white & gray. I've never met such a high-caliber yet humble man like Bill & I was so blessed to have been given the opportunity to share a little bit of his life with me. I love you Bill. Wait for me. I'll see you in heaven, my love.