My grandfather got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in June of 2019. I have never personally dealt with cancer or ever lost anyone. I am 21 and I know I am very lucky to have all my family this long, I knew it would be heartbreaking. I never knew it had more feelings to come along. When he was diagnosed, I figured he would do the chemo, have the surgery and he'd be all better. Chemo made him so weak he couldn't go through with the entire surgery and they had to leave part of the tumor until he got stronger. He never did and the cancer spread. First his liver, now his stomach. At this point hospice said its about comfort and relief so we don't actually know where it all has spread to in this moment. At this point we're keeping him on pain meds until he gets peace. I know I haven't lost him yet but I am still feeling grief, and pain and just a lot of overwhelming feelings I have never experienced. It's so sad watching him suffer, I went to see him for four days this week, he was able to answer questions, like are you okay? Do you need anything? little talks not full conversations. he would chuckle and laugh here and there, he even gave me a kiss! but since I left he two nights ago he has gotten worse. I was going to go back up today and my dad told me not to. He said he is sleeping all day, unable to answer questions, and screams out for help. My dad doesn't want me there when he passes. Part of me wants to be there for my Poppop, part of me knows I will fall apart. my Poppop is my dads best friend and only "real" parent so this is really hard for him especially cause he doesn't show his emotions so I know he's a wreck, and I don't want to make matters worse or take time away from him right now. Ever since I got the call last week of him deteriorating fast have been sad, I have this actual pain in my heart, my stomach is a mess, I've been having nightmares every time I close my eyes. Im angry at everything. the littlest things make me blow up either in anger or tears. I have so much anxiety I had to go to the hospital last week because my heart was beating so fast and I couldn't catch my breath. I thought getting out of the house would bring some different feelings but when I got with friends I found I couldn't be bothered to socialize or even make small talk. If I heard them make a joke, I would laugh and immediately feel guilty. Why do I deserve to have fun and laugh when he is in pain and dying. I can count on one hand the meals I've eaten in the last week. I cant tell you the last time I showered, or even brushed my hair. I just feel like Im falling apart and everyone around me either dealt with this earlier and doesn't remember EXACTLY how they felt or dealt with in completely different and separated themselves from it. I just want to know if this is normal. if this will fade away with time or if I will always be on auto pilot. I honestly feel at this point that it would bring relief when he does pass cause he won't be suffering and he'll be at peace. Am I horrible for saying the? Am I being naive again thinking that him passing will make things easier?