My little brother died on January 22, 2020. He was only 36 years old. He deserved to have a chance to have a happy life. My husband of 16 years has been asking me to get help. I thought I was coping ok. Even though I knew I was not, deep down. I have always had a tendency to drink alcohol, and over the years I’ve had bouts of heavy drinking and that is the only way I let my true feelings out. The love of my life asked me if I still wanted him tonight. My heart broke. He is the most amazing person I have ever known. He told me some of the mean, shitty things I have said to him over the past months when I’ve been drunk. I feel like such a piece of shit right now. But I want to do better. I want to be able to function and not just wait until the weekend every week so I can get fucked up. I know I need to abstain and stay sober. But after I lost James, the only way I could get any sleep was if I got buzzed. I drank every fucking day for three months. Not to oblivion, (listen to me excusing my shit) but if I laid down at night-my mind would obsess about the fact that my little brother was buried in the cold, dark ground, alone. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The only time I stopped thinking about it is when I was a little bit fucked up. I couldn’t even go to his grave for eight fucking months! I could not handle that he was buried below me, alone, cold, being rained on and snowed on. I wanted so much to just “be ok” and feel better as time passed. But I’m not ok. This last week I have been a bitch to both my husband and and my sweet daughter. She is 11 years old and she needs her mama so much right now. I feel like a fucking failure as a wife and mother. I thought that the fact I have kept my job all year was the most important thing. But it isn’t. I am so angry. And so devastated. And so ANGRY! My brother deserved a second chance at life, to be with his kids, to find love, to find who he really was inside. But a fucking random blood clot to the lungs (he worked out several times a week, really pretty healthy) ripped him away in the dead of night. I need to get these feelings out. I need to not take out my pain on the two people I love more than anything in this life. Thanks for listening.