Anticipatory grief, how to manage when each day is the 'last'

I am a new member and when filling out the form I was asked when the death occured?. I ticked the box for 'within the last 6 months' but the truth is, my beloved dad is still alive. Mum and I are living with anticipatory grief .... or to put it another way, grief that builds up to the point of death, you know it is coming and there is nothing you can do to avoid it.
We are exhausted emotionally, our days are filled with thoughts about poor dad and what can do to bring quality to his remaining weeks, but at night and when alone our souls break because we cannot let him see us so upset and distressed. Selfishly we feel we are just 'existing' - life is carrying on for everyone else but we cannot look beyond tomorrow. I am also very concerned about how we will face life after dad, because I feel that the present situation is so overwhelming and insurmountable. I feel really low and overwhelmed and would appreciate any advice.

 

Hi Louise,

I am so sorry for what you and your mom are going through right now. I’m not sure if I’m in the best position to give advice, maybe someone with further insight/healing can help as well, but I do understand anticipatory grief. My dad passed away three weeks ago and it still hurts me so much to even type that out. He was sick for a long time and it was incredibly difficult to see that. But I just want you to know that it is in no way selfish of you and your mom to be just existing right now. Sometimes that’s all we can do. I want to say to try and just be present (mentally as well) with him as much as possible but I know that can be really hard too, so just whenever you can manage it. Looking back I can be glad for the times where even when we didn’t do anything I was just with him and I knew he knew I was there with him. I hope it brought him some comfort, and I hope it does for your dad as well.

As for after I was preoccupied with that too, I thought I’d never survive the loss because I just couldn’t imagine living without him. Not that I am really in a state to be an inspiration right now, but I am here, and that was more than I could see before. So yes, it will be hard, but you will be here after, and it may surprise you but somehow you will get through, one moment at a time. I also thought everything that reminded me of him would make me break down and be unbearable, but I’ve been surprised that in some ways looking back at photos and thinking of memories has brought me peace at times. I also feel like he is not really gone, that he is still with me in a way. I hope you may feel the same.

So overall I guess I would say try not to think too much about after, when you can. It’s something impossible to imagine, but we all have a strange resilience I suppose. And for right now, to just try to be present, both for yourself and for your dad, so he knows you and your mom are there with him. I do believe he knows that now and that it brings him comfort, to be so well loved. So just stay with him and let yourselves just exist without feeling guilty, it is enough to just survive times like this.

 

Lem
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. You speak from the heart and from personal experience. I am so sorry that you are in this position and I really feel for you.
You lost your dad just 3 weeks ago, but you found the time to share your thoughts with me - you are kind and supportive and you are in my thoughts. An ocean may separate our locations, but our experiences lie side by side

 

Hello,

Thank you both for sharing. I know this is a pretty late response but while looking around this site and forum (just joined today) this post struck a chord with me, and I thought I would respond. My dad passed away 6 weeks ago, but I, too, spent time in a stage of anticipatory grief as he was a long-time heart patient and lived almost 12 years with an LVAD, the last few years he struggled the most with his health. We knew the time was coming, just not when. His doctors literally called him a unicorn at times as he was truly on borrowed time. However, that time has now passed. It is still a weird feeling. I am also engaged to be married in November and now processing the reality that he will not be there instead of just living with all the provisions I set into place while we were in the "we'll see how he is doing then and act accordingly" mindset. I am working to process this new reality and as much as I "felt" or "knew" it was coming, it is just different to actually be here. Trying to be gentle with myself and be there for my mom who is working through her own journey with grief and not project onto my fiancé, who is very loving and kind but hasn't had to face this kind of loss in life yet, so sometimes it just feels lonely. Grateful for places like this to help navigate some of this loneliness and happy to share or be an ear for any who may need it.

 

Hi LittleSarahP,


I am so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you and your mom. I’m glad you’re trying to be gentle with yourself, I know I’ve found it difficult at times but we all deserve kindness and grace in hard times, including from ourselves. I’m also so sorry that this happened before your upcoming wedding. I hope that when it comes you will do whatever feels right to you to honour him and that you still feel his presence, but that you don’t let yourself become stressed trying to find the “perfect” way to do so or anything like that.

I get how you still feel lonely sometimes even with your loving fiancé, my boyfriend is similar in that he has never had a major loss and sometimes I felt frustrated that he didn’t understand me. It’s taken me a while to realize that love and understanding are two different things, and that we can’t expect anyone to ever fully understand us. I hope you find more understanding and less loneliness here and in other aspects of your life, while your fiancé continues to be supportive and loving during this journey.

(Also – I actually haven’t been on this website in over a year, but was finally going through some of my dad’s things today and was feeling strange and sad so I decided to log on. So thank you for your offer of support and kindness as well, I really appreciate that ♥)

 

Hi lem,

Thank you very much for your kind words. Your defining of love and understanding as two different things is so true, thank you for that, I needed to hear that. I had a couple tough moments at work today and now getting home I am navigating my own thoughts and feelings while waiting to try and share with my fiancé when he gets out of work. Trying to continue being gentle with myself. I hope you have/are able to do the same while going through your dad’s things, happy to be here and share this space. I know eventually I will be facing more of that as well. I try to remain myself that grief is far from linear and it’s perfectly normal to have any and all feelings come to the surface on this journey. Support and kindness always. ✨

 

My heart was left out of my previous message, so here it is again. ❤️