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Am I being overly sensitive because I'm grieving?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Dee Kay, Nov 13, 2020.

  1. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Member

    Advise needed and sorry for the long post. I’m trying to figure out if some things my sister has said/done are as bad as how it seems to me or if I’m just in such a vulnerable state that I’m being overly sensitive. I lost my husband 6 1/2 months ago, he was 54. My plan was to take my husband’s ashes back to Ireland but since we're in a pandemic I decided to have a one year celebration of his life next April in Ireland. My sister immediately said she and her family would come with me but could I make it during her 16 year old daughter’s spring break week. At the time I was not able to think let alone make good decisions and agreed. Once I had time to think I realized that I did not want to change the date. Meanwhile I did tell my sister that since we’re still in a pandemic and things may or may not be better by next April I will be going alone. She seemed fine with that and said whatever I wanted to do she would support me.

    In July, three months after my husband passed, my 94 year old mother, who is in a nursing home went to the ER with what we now know was something minor. My sister and her family were en route to their vacation home 2 hours away when she got the call from the nursing home (she is the health care proxy). My sister in turn called me saying she was on her way to the vacation home and left it at that. So I had to go to the ER by myself. My husband had been sent to the ER back in April and was hospitalized for 1 week before he passed. I never got to see my husband again. I was a mess in the ER waiting for news from the doctor/nurse about my mother and I felt very let down that my sister would not turn the car around and choose to support me (and my mother). My mother ended up staying 3 nights in the hospital and I visited her every day while my sister vacationed. My mother thankfully is ok.

    And most recently my sister, her 16 year old daughter and myself were driving to a park for a walk when a meaningful song came on the radio. I relayed the story of how I believe my husband sends me this song often, the words are “reaching out between the worlds…” I sang that part of the song putting my hand up as if reaching out to my husband. My sister did say, awww, but then turned to her daughter and asked if she was ok. I was so shocked that her reaction would be to ask her daughter how she was and I’m really not sure why she asked. Was it that I freaked my niece out by believing that my husband sends me signs? Was it just talking about my husband? I couldn’t ask at that time and it’s been too long now that it would be weird to bring it up. And to make matters worse it was supposed to be only my sister and I going for the walk but at the last minute she asked her daughter to go.

    My question to all of you is am I taking these actions or inactions from my sister too hard because I’m very vulnerable right now, still grieving and just being overly sensitive? Or is my sister being selfish and self absorbed? Not that it will change my relationship with my sister, I’ve known her my whole life and accept her faults and shortcomings I just want to know if I’m taking things wrong due to my circumstances. Thanks for reading and for any thoughts.
     
  2. RySe**

    RySe** New Member

    First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I too, am grieving the loss of my dear husband who died in July. I read that grief can affect us in different ways and our friends and family can say or do things that we might find surprising, insensitive. I don't think they're ever meant to be hurtful. It sounds to me like your sister's priority is her daughter which as a mother I can understand. I would suggest talking to your sister about how you feel and move forward. All the best xx
     
  3. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Member

    Thank you for your insight RySe. I'm sorry for your loss. I know my sister does not mean anything to be hurtful and you are correct her priority is her daughter and I just have to live with how things are now and that I don't have the one person who I was the priority for. Take care
     
  4. tgotyall

    tgotyall Member

    First no need to apologize for how long your post is. I found that it resonates with myself. My wife passed away 9 months ago from esophageal cancer at 59 years young. We had been together for 36 years. This is very hard stuff something none of us wanted and this is not easy . I am so very sorry for your loss , one thing for sure everyone here can truly understand what you are going through and i wish none of us were on this site. For some reason we are made to walk through the fire but i am trying to suffer well. With the holidays fast approaching these will be the firsts for many of us and for myself it will be very painful .As for your sister for me she should have been their for your mom ,that being said some us are just wired different. I read you need safe people those who been through similar pain, those who will listen those you can trust and tell them anything.My son and his wife are like your sister ,my daughter and her husband are safe people. my son lives 15 min.away,my daughter in Colorado.He asked what he could do for me i told him but he continue not to do what i asked,i will not guilt him. My wife always said you need to move to Colorado our daughter will take care of you,i chuckle sometimes because she was right. It's just hard when you have expectations of your love ones and it doesn't work like you thought,this grieving is hard enough without any added drama.My son said to me before my wife passed ''we don't want you to become a hermit'' the irony they have done very little to help,that is just the way it is and it might be the same with your sister.I really mean this take care of yourself be good to yourself and be strong and very courageous.
     
  5. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Member

    Very sorry for your loss tgotyall, this is really hard stuff we're all going through. These firsts are so painful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it does make me feel better to know I'm not the only one to feel that their family members are not as empathic as we would like or expect. You take care as well.
     
  6. Richard@123

    Richard@123 Member

    I am sorry for your loss and hugs to you. I can only say that you have to go with your heart. I am just starting to realize that myself. I lost my first ex and present wife six months apart. The first was a stroke the second from a coma induced copd . Here with me one moment gone in no time without even saying goodbye to them. Sounds a little strange but ex an my sweet vickie actually became good friends. I thought a few years ago that when my best friend lost his wife that i could pull him through because he was so strong. I felt his pain or so i thought. What i am trying to say is that your sister probably feels your pain like i felt his but unless you lose that oiece of your heart as we have we really have no idea. I hope this helps.
     
  7. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Member

    Sorry for your double loss Richard, that's really tough but how nice the two women you loved got along. Yes, I've come to understand that unless you walk the path we're all on there's absolutely no way to understand what we're going through. I have come to terms with that and know I'm alone in this journey right now it's why I've joined this site to connect with others who do understand. And you've all been brave as I read your stories and kind in posting, I appreciate that, thank you all.
     
  8. Richard@123

    Richard@123 Member

    you are welcome and hugs to you.Just found out my oldest daughter and grandaughter have covid. These are two of the healthiest people i know . This just got real for me . sigh
     
  9. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Member

    sending positive well wishes and quick healing to you and your family