Adjusting to loneliness

It's been a year since my wife past. I've gone through all the grief one person can handle. I've been trying to adjust to the loneliness. How do I go from being with someone for 19 years to just me. I have my kids but one is a teenager and the other is a young adult so they are in their own world. I miss our conversations in the morning on my way to work and at the end of the day. I miss our joking around, our dinner dates, having her lay next to me, and our many road trips. I could go on and on. We shared everything together. It's very hard to accept how life has turned out. I never thought this would happen to me. I've been trying to keep myself occupied with time with the kids, books, movies, cooking, working out and listening to music. Still I miss that passion we had. Every time I think about it, I have to keep myself from breaking down. I don't know if there is anything else I can do but I keep at. All I can do is try to heal.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to adjust to your new life. In this journey through grief you will have bad days and some bearable days. All we can do is take it one day at a time and remember the good times you shared. I wish you well.

 

Nick, I know exactly how you feel. I never would of thought that I would lose the love of my life so soon . He was only 59 and we only found out in was sick last April then he passed away in October 2019. It was too soon and we had so many plans for our future. Now I just don’t know what to do with myself. And this virus is so depressing on top of everything else. I tried to stay at home but it was just too lonely so I came to stay with my daughter and son in law with my three grandchildren. They keep me busy but sometimes it is just so hard not to cry. It’s been 6 months and his 60th birthday is on April 22. My daughter says we are going to have a dinner and birthday cake for my husband on that day. I don’t think we ever get over this grieve, we just have to learn how to deal with it and take one day at a time. Some days are better then others. Talking about my husband and our life helps me and I never want to forget what a great husband, father, papa that he was. I love and miss him every day. Just trying to keep busy and take it one day at a time. God bless and keep safe.

 

Nick,

The toughest thing I found after my wife Nadine passing was dealing with time and being alone.

It wasn’t just the separation during the days and nights, it was the calls, the fixing what she needed fixing.

Sure as you say, you have children, as do I, two sons by her, the greatest two moments in our lives, whoops except for marriage. It is impossible to describe in words how much you miss someone. How you wonder what to do now.

I found myself talking to her at night. I have a painting of her on my wall in the hallway. But even doing that did not get to my extreme loneliness in life. I found at first that sleep was a precious commodity, I had to earn it now, so if I was exhausted sleep would come easier.

When I slept, I slept in patches of time. When I would wake during the night, my mind would once again be active. It was my broken heart pounding my chest, looking around at the empty bed, and the deafening silence in the room.

As ridiculous as this sounds I started placing a powerful fan on a table near my bedside. I would run it on high to drown out the nighttime sounds, animal calling and barking or fighting, cars driving by, people waking to go to work, the crickets blasting away. So the fan was now my crutch, I needed that sound to drown out the world.

By the way I am retired. When I would wake there I was, all by myself again. No one to talk to, save for my sons upstairs, but let’s get real, our generations are so different they are either off to work or games, or on their computer. So I feed the cats, they go their separate ways and I move to the living room.

I turn on the television, watch the news program I have taped, no commercials, sorry advertisers not happening. Then I watch the world news from the night before, one show ABC. It takes only about 18 minutes for a 30 minute show because of all the commercials.

So, I see if any news shows from my recorded favorite series are available, great if they, bad for me if they are not. Then I leave, go grab the morning paper, read through it, and of course read the obits to see if I know anyone due to this Covid-19. It doesn't take long, fluff stories never get read, and since we have no sports going on, fahgettaboudit the paper is done quick.

I grab my morning coffee, a heaping 16 ounces, man do I love coffee, no sugar. I then head to the computer. Sit, start her up. I hit the emails, and answer any I need. I used to play online games for years, WOW and Star Trek were my last favorites.

So I sit there wondering what the heck am I going to do now. Sure I put in some words, do some searches, and that is about it. Ok I guess I will go to the movies today - WAIT - not happening with Stay at Home orders here in Maine.

I would go fishing also, salt or fresh, but again here you need travel orders to go to and fro to do anything except for necessities. No watching sports events. No long walks here.

So what to do - hmmmm. Ok coffee, make another cup. Done. Winter is still here, I can't mow the lawn. Can't plant flowers yet.

So now that reality finally sets in, loneliness creeps back. So I grab photo albums, (15 of them), Kodak carousels (7 of them), video recordings on vhs too count to many. I start going through them. About two hours later I come up for air.

Ok this is boring, doing it too many days. I then turn back on the Television, hit YouTube.com and start to watch video after video. I also listen to so many types of music. It is frankly endless and a welcome relief to boredom. But even this, day after day gets old.

So I came to the grief site. I quit Facebook.com almost 5 years ago after being notified by them my account had an attempted hacking. So I closed both my wife's account and mine.

The grief site was amazing for me. I could finally talk and people would listen and some would even respond back. But it wasn’t until I had a dream one night, no bull, 4 years after my wife passed of a spirit all in white laying on my chest.

I felt comforted by that thought. I won’t kid you it was as if I could now focus my writing, I could open up easier and of course I was still lonely at times, that is what you call being normal.

One day it was as if I had a weight lifted off my shoulder. It is hard to describe, sure I missed Nadine, but the intensity of emotions was no longer holding me back. It is something I am thankful for and I will always believe my wife reached out to me in my greatest time of need and helped me to heal.

So I hope you too will continue to talk. It doesn’t matter to whoever, just talk, open up, to family, to friends, to strangers, to whoever will listen and don’t shut up until you feel better inside.

I hope this helps. Peace be with you today and the days that follow. Please never give in to despair and if you need to talk we will listen.


-david


This is a song that can be for either a man or a woman missing someone