A year in heaven

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by NYCBASSIST55, Jul 12, 2020.


    NYCBASSIST55 Active Member

    I made this slideshow as part of the grieving process. (Boy is it frustrating talking about this stuff with people who haven’t been thru it.)

    The slides are of my late wife. I tried to capture some of the things she did: her music, the Cessna airplane she flew, making fun of the gargoyles in Paris, scenes from a long time ago. I wrote a little piece then asked my friend Andrew Baird to play guitar on it. He came up with this retro electric guitar chords. I added “string” pads on MIDI. Just trying to capture my own feelings in the music.

    Here is the Vimeo link:

    I really think I need to hear from some people. I was just on Facebook- people don’t understand. It’s like I’m some fixated wackadoodle freak. I forget that unless you‘ve gone thru this it doesn’t make sense. Have a nice Sunday night.
    Kata, ainie and glego like this.
  2. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Sorry for your loss. Nice video of a life well lived. You are right most people we deal with just don't get it. I said to a friend recently that I still miss my husband terribly and her response was "Still?!?". It has only been 9 months! I cannot "get over" 30 years of a wonderful relationship so quickly, if ever.
    glego likes this.
  3. OneMom

    OneMom New Member

    That is a beautiful tribute to your wife. People who have not been through this seem uncomfortable when I mention my late husband. He's only been gone 19 months - it seems weird not to be able to talk about someone I was married to for over half my life. So if it makes you feel any better, you're not fixated or a wackadoodle freak. Or maybe we all are :) Wishing you all the best.
  4. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I agree people do not understand. Grief is something you cannot just turn off, It's something you are forced to live with.
  5. Michael beck

    Michael beck Well-Known Member

    Just beautiful..
    Great tribute to your wife..
    Very moving

    NYCBASSIST55 Active Member

    That is a beautiful picture of you and your husband. You see a lot of love in his expression.

    NYCBASSIST55 Active Member

    You start talking about what is in your heart and you get a kinda blank expression.

    NYCBASSIST55 Active Member

    You are right they do seem uncomfortable. Or stranger still, they don’t seem to be able to understand it or relate it to any emotion they have ever felt.
  9. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    It's so true, best to talk to people that have been through it. I'm also at 9 months with what would have been our 30th anniversary coming up this September. Things said are all over the place. You will never stop missing them, you will learn to forge a new life when ready, but they're a part of who you are now. I'm fortunate to have a few close friends that although they haven't been through it are patient with me and are trying to get it, and a few that have been through it that do.

    I wish everyone that has to be here peace and comfort.
    Kata likes this.
  10. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Really nice tribute. My husband has only been gone for 6 weeks and I find the same thing - people are uncomfortable around me or think I should be better by now. There are some days I feel physical grief all day long. Will be a long time. Don't wish it on anyone but there is no understanding unless you are in it. Hopefully I can be better at helping someone I care about when they need me. I am sure she loves this video.
  11. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Thank you. The way he held me when we danced made the world disappear..just us and the music,
  12. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    I'm very sorry for your loss. It's an amazing tribute and clearly articulates the ongoing feeling of missing the one you loved even after the passage of time. Very unique skill level. I lost my wife very recently and I'm still numb. The music was right for the loss of that kind of love. I would like to I have the skills that you have to create such a description of the pain. I drove 6 hours across two states today to stay with my family. I had to get out of our house before I lost my mind looking at my wife's memories. It is hard talk to others about it who haven't lost a spouse. I think it's because I lost our future together her as well, the dreams of retirement together someday and everything else we dreamed of to get through the daily crap.

    NYCBASSIST55 Active Member

    The love you feel towards and the dreams you had for a continuing life together are the important thing. We all have skills but they are a means to an end.

    NYCBASSIST55 Active Member


    NYCBASSIST55 Active Member

    It’s good to have friends but when those anniversaries come you are in a dark place. You don’t want to overburden friends who mean well.

    NYCBASSIST55 Active Member


    NYCBASSIST55 Active Member

    Gone only six weeks. People think you should be better by now. That is incomprehensible.
  18. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    There is no understanding until you experience this yourself. I think intense emotions, especially the sadness and tears of grief, make lots of people really uncomfortable. Also, I find that lots of people do want to help, so offer what they think will ‘fix’ your pain. I have a good grief counselor that told me that most people don’t know how to help so we may have to teach them. Some days I have the energy for it, some days I don’t. What I promised my husband and myself was that I would be honest and not tell people I was fine if I wasn’t. I take help from the true friends and family who offer it and try not to feel guilty or burdensome. I try not to put too much on those that are helping. I pray for peace and understanding and the passage of time. Thanks.
    ainie likes this.
  19. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    I agree JMD that no one understands how this feels who hasn't been through it themselves. I spoke with an old friend today who was well meaning had no idea the level of pain I'm in. I don't think he was comfortable with my grief level. I won't make the mistake of sharing about how much I miss my wife again unless it's somebody who's been through this.
  20. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    This video is great! I put together a slide show for the funeral that I don’t look at. You took it to the next level. Incorporating your own music makes it extra special. My husband and I went to Paris a few times and he never got tired of seeing Notre Dame. He really liked the gargoyles...grotesque and yet beautiful at the same time. He liked things like that, the more bizarre the better.

    I went to my sister’s from CT to LA in March. My husband died in November but I’m still feeling the stress, so with her permission I decided to stay the rest of the year to take it easy. And luckily she doesn’t like talking about upsetting subjects, so we don’t talk about my husband at all.

    Recently I mistakenly gave my friends and family access to my Facebook conversations with other grievers. My sister wondered what was wrong with that and I said that the best people to talk to about grief is people who are experiencing it. I didn’t tell her that I don’t share the true depth of my pain with family and friends because frankly, their well meaning words of comfort do nothing for me. So I gave myself a crash course on Facebook and was relieved to find that it was easy to block them out of my « spill my guts » conversations.

    Anyway, I hear ya concerning those frustrating conversations. You don’t need that stress on top of everything else. Sounds like you’ve had the misfortune of talking to some especially dense people.