A Tragic Motorcycle Accident Took My Brother

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by FreeBird, Aug 12, 2019.

  1. FreeBird

    FreeBird New Member

    I lost my little brother, my only brother, on April 28th 2018. He was on his motorcycle when he was involved in an accident with another vehicle. He died instantly. I had spoken to him earlier that day. He called me around 7:30pm and wanted me to meet him for a drink. He was hanging out with one of his ex-girlfriends and her friend at the time. I declined saying that he should call me the next day and we will hang out. He said okayyyyy in his disappointed voice. I asked him if he was on his bike and he told me no. He was not driving and wouldn't drink and drive. I said "okay have fun and I love you". He said "I will and I love you too".
    Side Note: He had just picked up his bike from my house on April 24th where he was storing it for the winter.
    I had gone to bed around 9pm and my phone rang around 11:30pm. I let it ring because I didn't recognize the number. I always say if it's important they will leave a voicemail... They left a voicemail. I instantly had a feeling that something was wrong. I sat right up and listened to the voicemail the second my phone notification went off. The voice on the other end was a soft-spoken younger girl that said she was from the emergency department (ED) at the local hospital and I should call back AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I called. She tells me who she is and that I am listed as the emergency contact for.., then names my brother. I said yes, is he okay? She said she wasn't given any further information and asked if I could come to the ED asap. I said I'm on my way. I knew he wasn't ok. I knew he was gone. I woke my husband who is a Firefighter and told him I needed him to drive me to the ED and why. I asked him if the call meant what I thought it meant and he said "It's not good babe". I called my Dad and my sister on my way to the hospital and told them what the person on the phone told me. They both said they were on their way too. I live only about 6 or 7 mins from the hospital and on my normal and quickest route there, I could see a bunch of flashers ahead of me. It was blocking my path. As I was approaching the intersection I could see a dark colored bike down in the road. His bike is black and silver. I asked my husband if what I was looking at, was a black bike down. He said "I think so". My heart started pounding faster and faster as we were rerouted around the accident scene. We got to the hospital and were seated in the common area for about 2 or 3 mins before we were escorted to the dreaded private family room. The door closed behind me and I sat there with my husband for another minute or so when the ED doctor entered the room. He sat next to me and what came out of his mouth pissed me off beyond words! He said "Are you Rebecca" and I said yes. He then said "So Greg was your brother? You are his sister?" EXCUSE ME??!! Let me repeat that.. He actually said "So Greg WAS your brother?" That was it. I had a hard time listening to anything else after that. All I could think about was how dare he say those words to me! How dare he! I was angry! Is that how you tell someone that their loved one just died??!! That was you (doctor)confirming to me that my little brother has died?? I get the whole be straight forward part but his approach was not ok. Greg WAS your brother?! There was no, I'm so sorry to have to tell you like this but.. or He was involved in an accident and died and I'm sorry for your loss. The doctor kept talking but I couldn't make any sense of what he was saying after that. Shortly after that conversation my Dad showed up and then my sister. I had to break the news to them one by one. Me! My mother had died of breast cancer in 2006 and so what was left of my family was staring at me in disbelief. Then the questions.. What??? When? Where? How? Why?
    I couldn't cry. I was confused and angry. How could he have been involved in this accident when he just told me he wasn't on his bike and he would never ride it while drinking. This wasn't real.
    Then his ex-girlfriend, the one he was with earlier, calls me and is hysterically crying and asks if he was dead and to just tell her. I said you should come to the hospital. She said please just tell me. I said "He didn't make it" "I'm so sorry". She was screaming and I couldn't understand her. Then she said "Can I come see him?" I told her yes and we were still waiting to go in. (I couldn't go in to see him. I just couldn't see him like that.) She showed up a few mins later and told me she was following him and pulled up right after it happened. She said "they wouldn't let me hold his hand." " They wouldn't let me sit with him." My heart broke for her.
    She ended up telling me she dropped him off to his bike because he didn't want to be stranded at her house which is where they were headed. She said he only had a few he was fine. :'( No one else was hurt in the crash thank goodness. I know it was an accident but this could have been avoided. I was angry with her, I was angry with him.
    I can't go one day without reliving that night. I feel him around me and dream of him from time to time and that does help in the moment. I just can't get past the loneliness and sadness. I feel incredibly lost without my brother. All of the should haves and could haves and the guilt of not spending enough time with him. Then the fact that I turned him down when he asked me to come see him that day. Would he still be here had I gone?
    I do have the gift of our last conversation and that we told each other that we love one another right before we hung up. I hold onto those words with all of the strength that I have left.
     
  2. Emerginglight

    Emerginglight Member

    Hold on to that gift of your last conversation. I hold on to every memory of conversations with my mom and dad. Like you, I do so with what little energy I have left. Mostly, I feel so tired.

    Getting past the sadness and loneliness is sooo hard. I’m not sure we ever will. We just learn to somehow live with our grief. Each person develops their own way of coping. For me, it’s writing daily to-do lists to keep me focused. But I allow myself space to cry to heaven, to wail and recollect memories, good and bad. However I realize I will have a nervous breakdown if I stay in the dark places for too long. And My mum would want me to be ok. So, I’m trying.

    Wishing you peace.
    Em,