A Safe Space to Grieve...

Hello fellow travellers of grief

I stumbled across this site yesterday when I was feeling really depressed and lonely. I feel really grateful of you all and your courage to share and be vulnerable, thank you.

I feel sad and angry that we can't access these spaces in our cultures physically though. There would have been a time when grief was honoured and there was ritual and ceremony as well as holding spaces for one another and now, along with other forms of socialising it's done within the confines of closed doors - what is going on with that? That said I am very grateful that this website exists it feels important - thank you Karyn

4 years ago I lost my Dad, then the following year my Granny and friend and then 2 years ago my beloved Mum and best friend. 4 people in 4 years. All of these deaths were sudden but Mum's was especially sudden and unexpected. I can only describe it as being 'immobilised by grief' I just couldn't function properly for ages and I closed my business and then all these questions came up for me like;

Who am I?
What have I got to offer?
What is my purpose for being here?
Who can I trust?

The trust one has been a biggie - do you find it difficult to know who you can really go there with?
I have a difficult relationship with my brother, my extended family pretty much disappeared - I think they find me scary to be around because I'm not afraid of expressing my emotions and they bury theirs in true British fashion!

Anyway as if it's not enough to suffer the grief and loss alone - there are all these other things coming at you from all angles aren't there?

I read Christine Rasmussen's book 'Second Firsts' which I really recommend all about using grief to expand and grow into something new which is beyond your wildest dreams and I feel that is every bit possible and happening. I've moved house, changed my name, started life afresh .....but then a big wave of depression descends around me and suddenly I feel very alone and lost and vulnerable and unsure of which direction to go in or indeed who to be around.

We are orphans, that hurts.

Please reach out if you would like to fellow Warriors. Do you have anything to say about what I've mentioned? What has your experience of starting life after loss been?

With love

Clarex

 

Hello Clare.

Thank you so much for sharing at this difficult time in your life.

I too stumbled across this site at a very low time in my life. My mum was diagnosed with cancer in January and passed in May. I feel traumatized just thinking about what she went through and watching her take her last breaths on this earth. Yet everything happened so fast. One minute she was here and the next gone. Quite frankly, I don’t think I will ever be the same again. It’s only my faith in God that keeps me sane and still alive.

The questions you asked yourself made me smile, but not with joy. I smiled because someone else has similar questions. The most important of my questions seemed to be, ‘Who am I without you? ‘ I realize my mum was a large part of my life. Now I feel bewildered and lost as I try to move from one day to the next.

I understand what you say about your family...My family do find it hard to understand what I’m going through. Each of us are grieving in our own way. I don’t want to put the full weight of my distress on my sisters as they are trying to cope with this new normal too. We are all trying to stand without falling. But they are not as emotional as I am. I’m not so good at reining in my feelings. At times, they overwhelm me. That’s when I pray.

I am an adult orphan now too. Just saying these words hurt. It’s like, you belong to no-one. And just thinking how important I was to my mumbhurts. No one on this earth will ever love me, and my sisters, in that way again. I pause.

Like you, I experience waves of depression and feelings of vulnerability. While I’m trying to grapple with losing my mother, I fear more loss. My mind is wondering who will be next and when. I find myself looking at those who remain and thinking of life without them. I feel more detached from this world.

Having somewhere to air our thoughts is important. There are things we can’t share with others as not to overwhelm or alarm them.

Anyway, thanks again for opening up. It’s not easy to do fellow grief traveller.

In time we will all develop strategies to cope with our pain.

Peace be with you.

 

Hi Emerging Light

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words and for share some of your story with me, you sound like a strong and beautiful soul. I relate to so much of what you say too - 'who am I without you?' Is definitely a question for us. I find it a weird combination of liberation knowing that I can be everything I am and the constriction of not having that special person who loved you unconditionally and was always there as an anchor.

I have been quite alarmed at how few spaces there are for grievers to feel safe in our culture and it's really making me want to create them. I'm doing a Grief Tending retreat in a couple of weeks which I'm really looking forward to.

Do you live in the States? Do you feel a sense of hope underneath it all? May is not very long ago so maybe you're not feeling that yet. I think it's so important to honour your journey with grief and not compare yourself to others. I'm baffled by distant relatives who never even mention my Mum and it's as if I made the whole thing up and she didn't die at all. I find most people incredibly emotionally repressed and it doesn't help me to be around that kind - I often find it easier and 'safer' to just be on my own.

I really recommend Megan Devine's book 'It's ok that you're not ok' I think you would get a lot from it and also perhaps a bit down track the book I mentioned in my previous email 'Second Firsts' What I am coming to realise is that there is a new person emerging out of the grief process and I'm not entirely sure who she is yet but I get the sense she is a pretty special human being with a great deal to offer the world and that feels encouraging. There's no going back but there is a future for us which might be even better because of the pain we have felt. I have the sense we have the capacity to live a fuller life if we let it guide us. I'm reading the following book at the moment which demonstrates that point beautifully. It's great that we have resources like that now anyway.
The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief
Francis Weller

I think it's so important to travel at the pace we are comfortable with though, life will never be the same again and that takes some adjusting to.

I really hope you are finding the support you need. Do please feel free to reach out again if you would like to.

Love and light

Clarex