5 Months today

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Barry, Apr 2, 2020.

  1. KVR

    KVR Active Member

    I appreciate you sharing. What a wonderful relationship you had. I sometimes think about how my husband would have handled this time, if I had been the one to transition into the sky. In fact, we'd tease each other about that while alive. He said, he'd never remarry. I agreed. Not because we both didn't want to love again but we would laugh at marriage and think, we did that already, we have two kids, we loved, we sacrificed, we did the "marriage" thing. One marriage is more than enough. We worked hard together and gave everything for our children. Who knows, how'd he do? I'm thinking it would have been really hard since his family is in Spain and our daughter would need to finish school here and he'd feel forced to stay here on his own until he could go back home, be around his support. I think it would have been hard on him for that. He'd probably cry just as much as I have...ha! We cried together at 19, he 22, when we first separated after we had met in Madrid and I had to fly back home, we cried all night together, and woke up exhausted. I have a picture of that morning before we left to the airport.

    Almost 6 months since his passing. We move on Thursday. A small moth flew into our apartment on the day we got the move date. This is not a coincidence. We've never had a moth in this place, never. The moth hit me in the head, while watching TV. What is that? I wondered. The next day, he settled on the kitchen wall, near the ceiling, discreet, while I spoke with my daughter about the move.

    Then at night, my daughter said he was in her bedroom. Fluttering about. We both looked each other and laughed. I said, he's here keeping us company in this next phase, keeping us focused on the light.
     
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  2. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Robin,

    I think you were correct in reining in the sugar water intake that Ron was doing. Type two diabetes is on the rise. I would guess for him all the to-do projects would be practical and responsible. The motivation would have been perhaps questionable. That drive to do all that he did came from the relationship. There are so many grief symptoms but rudderless is a key one. The reason and meaning for all that we do.

    If I have a hobby it's talking to people. Any time or place I tend to visit. The grocery store is a middle-aged woman in customer service. We visit a few munites. Talk about all sorts of things like the yoga she does for a shoulder nerve condition or dogs and their dental needs. She has four and is very knowledgeable about that, One day a bit out of the blue she out loud was concerned for her husband. Should she pass how would he feed himself? Knowing her she will likely be proactive in discussing the issue and planning for this possibility. The same-store is the senior butcher. We chat often. He and his wife go beachcombing or rock collecting. Their lives are full of lots of family things but that is a hobby they share and intensely enjoy each others company. He told me about a beach here in Washington where people go to find beach glass. This is nothing more than an old city dump the ocean reclaimed and took beer bottles or whatever bottles. Broke them down in the surf to polished glass. I went there for an outing and did some beachcombing.

    If there is a point it's thinking about marriage. I knew only one for so long. Our culture tends to report on the high divorce rate or all the single mothers left to raise kids on their own. This clash between the genders. I was coming to the mind about attending weddings. Why bring a gift if they will divorce in six months. That is a very pessimistic point of view. We are repeatedly informed of all the ills and woes in the world and our culture. Your story and the ones I mentioned balance the pessimism. That is breathing really fresh air.

    You used the tense was/is. I do that or struggle with just was. He may have been more solitary. Women are often social glue or more conscious of relationships. We were also having ideas of a relaxed life. She has a book about the seven secrete places in the US. We traveled some but not that much. Just to busy. Just a technical note about the furnace. I do purchase tank insurance, have a maintenance contract that includes a turn-up. They know our size and rate and just deliver based on our historical use. It seems to work OK. I think we here help a great deal. Someone will make a comment and I will consider a point of view I may not have otherwise.

    Davis is so good with the music posting. He is so good as you are in attending to the people on this site. A gal I met here and we correspond personally as she has moved on sent this music to me. I know you mentioned music is part of your life and process. I often write while music is playing.

    Thanks for the chats. A little less lonely as we do this.

    Paul M.

     
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you also for sharing. Seeing similarities in how we move on or how we were as couples feels so good. I feels I have a whole community of friends if you will, because of this site. As we share our difficulties and our accomplishments that we’re proud of as we continue on this journey that we had thrown at us, we each see we’re not alone. People we don’t really know are helping each other pick up the pieces and move forward.
    Thank you also for sharing that you think of how would your husband be doing if the situation was reversed. I wondered if I made the only person who wonders that.
    We did have such a wonderful marriage, relationship, friendship, and total and complete respect for each other. When I think back to that horrible night and he’s waiting to get pushed into the ambulance and he starts yelling I love you Robin, I love you Robin 5 or 6 times! I think now, how much discomfort and pain he was in yet I was on his mind. How did he even do that? I wish I answered, how I wish I answered him. But I did go over to him a few minutes later touch his arm, and let him know I’m following the ambulance with Stacey (daughter) I will be there for you, they’ll take care of you. I will stay with you. How I wished I kissed him, but I didn’t think for a second he would never come home again.
    I love your moth story, your husband was sending you signs. And letting you know you’re doing the right thing with this move. Focused on the light! I’m glad you feel strong enough to make this move. That’s great and a big move after what you’ve been through.
    My heart goes out to you and your daughter and how strong the two of you are.
    Robin
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yes the “to do” projects were definitely practical and easily achieved by Ron. As for the Dew, as Ron called it. He had totally been off for a month and a half. Previous to that he had gotten down to 2 cans a week for quite a long time. He loved it. I can’t tolerate caffeine so I never drank it. He knew My desire for him to cut back came from love and concern and he Was very willing.
    You sharing that a hobby of yours is talking to people in stores made me recall what was happening to me every time I went in a store, by myself or with my daughter. People out of no where would start talking to me. And it wasn’t once in a store it would happen 5 or 6 times while I shopped in one store. After a while it became a bit of a joke, how many people will approach me and start talking. It was nice, I was having trouble being in stores or restaurants Ron and I frequented. We actually wondered if it was Ron getting people to chat with me. It still happens but not as often. The first few times we were like, what is going on. But then I started to expect it.
    I hope you enjoyed the beach combing outing. ThTs something Ron and I do for sure.
     
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

     
  6. 427RCode

    427RCode New Member

    I’m only on 1 month, I hear ya! It sure is a club I never wanted to join, or want to understand, but only us that have lost our spouse can, did you get to say goodbye, I had 28 days after cancer diagnosis and he was gone, in my arms at home, so sad I am !
     
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  7. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel and u are probably in shock right now. I know I was for a long time. It’s unbelievable that this has happened and too hard to face . Still heartbroken and it is month 7 for me. Miss him every day and the nights are harder. Thank god for my children and grandchildren that’s the only thing that is saving me right now. Hang on to someone whether it be family or friend cuz it’s a hard road by yourself for a long time. God bless you.
     
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  8. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    I have used those exact words. Member of a club I had no idea existed. Being here and knowing we all are trying to deal the best that we can with so little best. I knew one marriage and now have come to know many. I am just as broken but also inspired by the quality of all your relationships. Our lives just stopped so abruptly but sharing what we had is enriching. We will share our treasure, express our broken, and offer what better can be.
     
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  9. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    No, I didn't get to say goodbye. Peg died suddenly from a brain aneurysm on an otherwise beautiful Saturday morning. We had a nice breakfast. Coffee, some snacks, talked and laughed. Afterwards, about 9am she said she had a headache, took some aspirin and vomited. I called for an ambulance after asking her what was wrong and she said she didn't know. I could hear it in her voice, she was scared. The last thing she said was "don't call an ambulance". She was semi-conscious when they took her to the hospital. I saw her an hour later. She was in a comma and on life support. Doctors said no operation could have saved her. The hemorrhage was massive and occurred at the brain stem. We let her go the next day. The 2 worst days of my life.
     
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  10. KVR

    KVR Active Member

    I didn't say goodbye either. Sudden death, young, 53. Hard. I do think about the last few weeks (maybe the last months) and I feel as though some how, there were signs of letting go, of going over past tracks, a very subtle (and in retrospect) soul level goodbye. On the 26th, it will be 6 months for me, for us (my 2 kids). We just moved. I am uprooted again. In some ways, it's a fresh start, new air. In other ways, I am looking out the window at the sky and wondering, what is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of this move? Why am I here now? Where am I going now? Does anything stay still? Rest, I crave rest, but not just sleep (although that would help) the kind of rest you get when you are with a life partner, after years of familiarity, and you can just be in the company of another. I am tired inside and outside. Grieving, letting go, feeling lost, sudden change--- are exhausting. I hope you are holding up. Moment to moment.