38 YEARS!!! and haven't grieved properly

Hey everyone, i need some help on what to do?
When i was 5 my dad died of cancer.. (i am now 44) I remember the day he past and have a couple of great memories which i am thankful for...
The day he died i remember getting pulled out of school with my sister and being happy as i was getting to go home.. I remember standing at the door and my mother telling me that dad died... Not knowing what to do i looked in the kitchen and saw my older brothers and sisters crying, and i started crying as well, im the youngest of 6. I didn't grieve, and now i suffer from depression, Bad anxiety, mood disorder and am a
alcoholic. i dont know if this is the result of not grieving properly... i feel im in the bargaining stage still. And if so how do i move forward i dont know what to do help?
Thanks in advance

 

38 years!! and I thought mine was bad. I went 5 years!!

Better by Guns N' Roses is a song that means a lot to me. After my mom passed away I thought I knew better. I knew I had to get a job and look after my sister. A few months after she passed away I did. I got a pretty good paying job and my sister and I we're doing well. I was happy enjoying my prime years of going out with friends and staying out late. Then it happened. after about 5 years of good times this sudden sadness, depression, anxiety and extremely erratic behavior started to get a hold of me. I missed my mom and missed her immensely. My behavior and mood swings cost me my job, and then another, and then another. My relationship with my sister deteriorated. I am eternally grateful that my close circle of friends have stuck around this long. I was unbearable to be around. Negative thoughts, just being a downer. I began to see a therapist after a couple of years of being my miserable self. I thought after my mom passed away I was fine. I knew better. My family and friends surely thought so too. From going to therapy I learned it was just relief. After a grueling 2 years of my mom battling cancer, thinking I was at peace with her gone, it was just relief. I didn't go through the process at all.
Something that I have learned about losing a loved is that it is very similar to, for example, a broken leg or broken arm. You're hurt and injured and need help to heal. If a broken arm or leg were to be treated the same as losing a loved one and one just moves on without talking about it or seeing a doctor how much could it possibly heal? How would one be able to function with that type of injury? I don't know but if you asked me I couldn't possibly brush off a broken arm or leg. I kept going about my business and this "injury" of losing my mom caught up to me. It hurt just like a broken arm or leg would.

Going to therapy helped me to finally be at peace, and along with getting to know other factors about my health, I was finally able to grow and move on.
I am a much happier person and feel Better.