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3 months since my wife passed

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by LeeD, Aug 5, 2020.

  1. LeeD

    LeeD Member

    It has been 3 months and all I can do is nothing. This world is just not the same as when Sandra was here, and now she's gone and I am lost. I walk through this world acting like everything is ok, but inside I'm so messed up. I have congested heart failure, diabetes and high blood pressure and don't feel good most of the time. The doctor wants me to lose weight and I did at first, but when Sandra took sick I spent everyday and night with her at the hospital and rehab until corona virus, where I couldn't see her at all. When I was staying with her at the hospital all I ate was hospital and restuarant food and gained weight. Went back to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and he had me do a CT scan and I will find out the results at my next office visit on August 17th. When I first went to the doctor he told me that if I kept on going the way I was going that I would only be around for 5 years. That was 2 or 3 years ago. 2 or 3 years and a pacemaker later, I'm having mixed feelings about what I want to happen. Part of me wants the results to be bad so that I can go be with Sandra, and part of me says she would want me to live on. Still confused after 3 months!!
     
  2. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Losing a part of yourself have you not wanting to do nothing. I'm sure part of you wants to give up but like you said she'd want you to live. I hope things get better with your health. Life is definitely not the same when you lose a part of yourself. Keep pushing and take care of yourself best you can.
     
  3. LeeD

    LeeD Member

    Thank you Sweetcole, I appreciate that very much. I'm having good days and bad days. I'm sure this is what everyone else goes through. I'm just trying to live what my life is now and see what happens. It makes it a whole lot easier to talk to people about it on here.
     
    Sweetcole likes this.
  4. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    You are welcome. It helps to talk to people that understand what you going through. With grief will will definitely have good and bad day. You never no which day you are going to have . I had an emotional night last night. It came out of nowhere. I was really mis
     
  5. LeeD

    LeeD Member

    It definitely has helped a lot to talk to the people on here. Two days in a row now when I woke up I've said whats the use, there's really no reason to get up. I have no one to share my life with and no motivation. It helps to get out of bed and start doing things but the pain remains. I'm sorry you had an emotional night last night and that nights are the worse for you. I completely understand. I've tried looking at photo's and watching shows that her and I liked and then the waterfalls start, so I'm staying away from that right now. After she passed I started a journal online to her, telling her about my day and everything, I had to stop because I would end up crying everytime. So if I need to talk to her I just start talking like she's here. I still have all the texts messages that her and I wrote while she was in the hospital, all the way up to the point where I told her sister that she was gone. I can't seem to delete them right now.
     
  6. Michael beck

    Michael beck Well-Known Member

    Hello. Lee .. I beleive I spoke to you the other day..
    How you holding up..
    I hope and pray you are doing ok..
    I was just reading your last post about the messages you can't delete and I dont blam you i too have some to my wife windy and even a voice message my granddaughter sent to me to play for WI st in the hospital.i played it for her the day before she passed abd it tears my heart out thinking about that day.. It'll never be deleted..
    And yes I too still talk to hee as if she was I. Thw room..
    It'll be a monrh the 17 and her b day is the 14 of Aug..
    She would have been 53..

    So hard for me still.. So I knkw your pain...
    I prey you find you some peace and god bless
     
  7. LeeD

    LeeD Member

    Hi Michael, yes we did talk the other day. I'm trying to do better each day but its still tough. Hope and pray you are better. I don't think I will ever delete my wifes texts either. Unfortunately I don't have any vm's from Sandra. I've deleted them in the past and I kick myself each day for it. I have pictures but nothing to let me hear her voice. My Sandra passed away on May 5th the same day as her deceased moms birthday. Her birthday was Aug 23rd. That is going to be a very tough day. She would have been 60. Thank you very much. I pray the same for you.
     
  8. Michael beck

    Michael beck Well-Known Member

    Yes same here ..
    Just ttying to get thru day by day..
    The anxiety artacks abd sleepi g are getting better
    .
    Um still nit eating a lot..
    I do still talk to windy on a daily basis..
    Guess i aleays will ..
    And windys birthday will really be hard for me..
    But I'm going to try and maje a celebration of her life..
    Look at all the giid times instead of focusing on her passing and her being absent from my life..
    I rhink she would have wanted that..