241 Days Without you

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Karley, Jul 1, 2019.

  1. Karley

    Karley New Member

    On November 2nd, 2018 I lost a friend that was very very dear to me. Is name was Alex, and he chose suicide to end his life, he shot himself in the head. He didn’t die immediately, the doctors did their best to save him but when they got there it was too late. The last things I said to him were that I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again.. I didn’t mean it, I never did. I spoke out of anger because he decided to end his friendships with all of his female friends because his girlfriend at the time got “jealous”. I didn’t know that it wasn’t because of her at all. He was isolating himself because of his plan, but I was too blind to see that. In a matter of 2 months, he was gone. He showed me signs long before his death but I only thought he was joking when he said “I’m going to kill myself”, people say these things as jokes all the time, and I only wish I hadn’t taken it as one. There was one time that I did believe him, and I said “Alex, you’re going to outlive me. You’re going to marry a smoking hot woman, have 50 kids and you’re gonna name them all after me! You’ll weld bridges just like you want to and you’ll have a beautiful house with all the dogs you’ve dreamt of.” He looked me in the eyes, and he told me “Karley, I will NEVER outlive you.” But I thought he just meant that he was talking about age, I would’ve never dreamt of something like this. The words I spoke to him stab me in the heart like a burning knife everyday. It’s so hard to get out of bed everyday living with the guilt of my mistake because I’ll never get to tell him I’m sorry. I’ll never get to hold him in my arms and tell him I never meant what I said, and that I love him and value him. It’s so hard to get out of bed every morning having to live with the guilt of my mistake, and knowing that Alex is no longer in the world. If I had a flower for every time I thought of him, I would walk in my garden forever. I have a tattoo on my arm for him to keep just a little bit of him alive. If my love could’ve saved him, he would’ve never died. He would have been immortal. When I lost him, I failed all of my college classes because I simply couldn’t focus, I couldn’t get out of bed. It’s so hard to go on knowing that I can never tell him that I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when he needed me, that I’m sorry he left the world thinking that I hated him when I never did. Whoever said that time heals all wounds was a LIAR. It has been 241 days without him and it is only getting harder to live with because I can feel the memories I have getting foggy. How do you live with the life I live? How do you move on? How do you live with this guilt? Does it get easier?

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  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Karley, I'm so sorry for your loss and for all you've suffered. I'm hoping you can find some help and answers here and I'm including articles from our blog that I think may apply to some of what you are going through. You are not alone, and we are here to help: