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18 months and I still can't focus or remember or believe.

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by SHARON M HUFNAGEL, Mar 18, 2018.

  1. It's been 18 months since I lost my husband to cancer. He battled for almost 3 years. I'm a school teacher and I'm going back to work, but I find it terribly hard. I can't remember things anymore. I get mixed up on days, meetings, and assignments for my students. Will this last forever? My kids say I need to move on. What does that mean? I mean, seriously, what does that mean?
     
  2. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Sharon, My loss is also about 18 months ago...it seems that this year is harder than the first., but I am strting to see a slight breakthrough. I was in a fog the first year and feel like I had conquered doing everything alone. However, this emptness is here to stay...it's how yo manage it. I work part time (speech therapist) and it keeps me focused and forces me to get up and go three days a week. I have a rescue dog and he forces me to walk and take him out a few times a day. When the school had a water main break and I had no where to go, I didn't get dresed for days and walked the dog with pajamas and a coat. Moving on connotes forgetting the love of your life. I think what you kids mean is that you have to start to focus on yourself. Look outward becaue whether you like it or not, your future is under your control. I have my days of grieving but I also starting to have a few days every now and then. when I find joy in something. I heard someone say that joy disarms a broken heart. I bought a broken heart necklace and wear it daily but I am thinking of physically taking it off...it may be better if I don't advertise my constant grief. It does not mean I am not grieving. I went of my first date with Steve at age 14 to his senior prom in 1959. That is a long history.
    The joy I have acknowledged is the children I teach when they have a success, as it is my sucess as well. I cook for a few people; one bachelor and my ill sister. That give me joy . I actually visit the nursing home where my husband lived for 4 years as I made many great friends there and one male nurse ( the bachelor) is the one I cook for once a month. I find joy is having my rescue dog be so happy to see me when I get home. Maybe it is getting better but it does not happen by itself. It tkes effort and it is painful. I will NEVER stop thinking about him and remembering the joys of so many years. But I remind myself that I had an amazing relationship with an amazing man and I am grateful

    Sheila
     
  3. Hello Sheila. Our stories are similar. I'm at my Stan when I was 14 and married him when I was 18. He died one week after our 43rd anniversary. I know you're right. I need to figure out what will make me happy where I'm living right now. I love my job. I'm a school teacher. The kids give me such strength and laughter. I just dread coming home. Thank you so much for responding let's please keep in touch. Your words mean a lot and I'm so glad you're sharing them with me.
     
  4. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    You are welcome. We need to draw strength from one another because the day you are down I will be up and via versa.
    Get enough sleep and be grateful you had him as long as you did. I try to do that, but it is hard

    Sheila
     
  5. Yep...will do
     
  6. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Sharon, how are you today? This was a really down day for me. I can't explain what it is, but every once in a while I am truly paralyzed with grief and can't move. Most of the time I go through the motions. Today was not good, but I am hoping for a better tomorrow.
     
  7. I know exactly what you mean. I have those days too. Right now I'm home with the flu and missed a couple days of work and I'm going out of my mind. I just can't stand being alone as much as I am, especially when I get sick. I do have good days but we can and holidays are not good for me. I do try to get out, but sometimes I just can't muster up enough ambition. Then I sit and cry most of the day. I will be better I hope, because I don't like feeling like this. Once I get over the flu I'm hoping that things will get back to whatever my normal has been. I want you to know that I know exactly what you mean and it was so great to talk to somebody that gets it. You have a very good day today, and just remember that you're not alone. Post any time at all.
     
  8. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Sharon. My family is very supportive as are my friends, but sometimes I just want them to go away. They really canb't help me or at least I will not allow them to try anymore. .I feel like I need to get a handle on finding more purpose in my life and I will be better
     
  9. I know. That's exactly how I feel. I don't know where I fit yet. I had been with Stan since I was 14 years old. I just can't figure out which way to go. I had hoped that it would be a bit better by now but, it's not. I'm trying to do a bit of traveling when I'm not teaching school. I hate weekends and I hate holidays. My kids don't really get it. They should, they're all between the ages of 38 and 43... I guess no one can understand except those of us who are living with this.
     
  10. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    OMG My first date with Steve I was 14 and he was just 16. Who would have believed a 14 year old could really be in love! The picture I posted was 1959 his Senior Prom.....
     
  11. My first date was with Stan too! We got engaged 3 years later when I was 17 married when I was 18. I went from living with Mom and Dad that I'm living with him and now here I am. Really strange how you and I've connected here.
     
  12. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Strange or not, it happened! Where do you live? I am in Baltimore. My story is a little different. We dated throughout highschool but my parents went nuts about my never having dated another person, so we broke up and both married others. Fast forward 8 years and we both were divorced ( no wonder, we belonged together!) and we re-connected and never missed a beat. I felt like Cinderella when we got back together. What an amaing man I fell in love with at age 14, but was not strong enough to fight for it. We used to talk about it and say that we might not have been as good for each other had we stayed together then.....popycock. Love is love and yes, even a 14 year old can know.
     
  13. We first met when I was 14 and I heard through a friend that he wanted to go out with me. So we finally did and we went steady... LOL for 6 months. By then I was 15 and he was already talking long-term marriage things and I got scared off. I broke up with him... Twice.. Then when I got my head on straight when I was 17 I realized what I didn't want to lose and fortunately we got back together again and never split ever again. It was a love like you hear about that not many people have. We often talked about what would have happened if we've been married to different people and we firmly believe that we would always find each other because we had a bond. I'm so glad that I knew him and had him. He's the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me and our children.
     
  14. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Your story is similar to mine. The one person in the world that we were meant to be with and we did. We should be rejoicing in the time we had together...we should be head over heals at the amazing moments we shared but sadly we are greedy and wanted more. You can not get enough of a good thing. There are no happy endings. Only happy beginnings and happy middles...glad we had both. Much admiration to you for trying to make a life. Find a pupose. I am trying.
     
  15. Celeste3

    Celeste3 New Member

    Hi Sharon. I get it! My brain just doesn’t function the same, my husband died after a short illness 2 years ago. The 2nd year has almost been worse. I’m quite involved in volunteering which I love, but there’s no one to tell about it when I get home
     
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  16. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Sharon, how are you doing since we last exchanged comments? I feel different, not better, but different. I recently attended a child's funeral and I found that my life fell into perspective that day. There is nothing more horiffic than losing a child and it made me feel like my grief is 'normal' and the mother of this baby was going to journey though a torturous time. The mother and I were not close, but she was one of my huband's nurses and I had not seen or heard form her for a long time. When I found out about the funeral, I knew I had to attend. The mother fell into my arms and I told her that her baby KNEW the intensity of the love she had for her. I felt useful for the first time in a long time and I felt grief for the mother and the family and asked myself what I can do for them. I don't kwno the asnwer yet, but it will come. Good wishes to you in your journey.
    Sheila