*DAYTIME AND EVENING GENERAL GRIEF GROUPS AVAILABLE EVERY WEEK* CLICK HERE TO JOIN US!

08/31/2020 The day i will never forget.

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Dshaytins22, Nov 19, 2020.

  1. Dshaytins22

    Dshaytins22 New Member

    Starting back to July 24, My mom and I took my dad to the hospital to be admitted after having labs done and the doctors calls back and says he is extremely dehydrated and needs to be admitted over night. My dad didn't want to return, but i told him i had a bad feeling if he didn't. He is admitted that night and over the last couple months had issues holding down food and everything he ate or drank would come back up. He was also a kidney recipient and had a kidney transplant about 16 years earlier and his kidney was in renal failure, a diabetic, heart attack survivor and other chronic ailments due to serving in the US Army in 1978. Anyway.. He goes to the hospital, gets admitted, his kidney levels are sky high because of the dehydration. He is there for 6 days. The whole time doctors diagnosing him with gastroparesis and bowel blockages that would cause him not to hold food down. He is sent home with more medications to help control what we think is causing his issues and it does no good. He is home for a short time, sleeping 18 hours a day, losing interest in all daily living things, no interaction with me or my mom. (BTW, i live with my boyfriend and I visit very often.. Like 4 days a week) & every time i came to see my parents I was always disappointed as i left because i missed a visit with my dad. August 5.. My apartment burns down and that was tragic.. Pretty much lost everything because i only had 2 hours to retrieve all of my belongings before they anticipated the floor would cave in and i left the majority to people who lost more than me. I ended up getting a U Haul.. Don't even know how to drive this thing.. My dad was always the one to help me out and be that big tough guy i needed. I remember driving this truck to my parents house and trying to see if my dad would be okay long enough to help me reverse it in the driveway. I remember him getting dressed, standing on the porch and seeing him look so weak that he couldn't stand up. That was the day i knew just how sick he felt. He couldn't even acknowledge that my home burnt down and i needed help. At first i was mad because like really, just gonna sleep all day, but today i realize how bad he must have felt inside that he couldn't be there for me and he needed me more. 2 days later, the 7th. I arrive at my parents house to pick up a dresser i dropped off from my apartment to take to my boyfriends and I will never forget this. He is sitting on the porch, looking so small. Malnourished and weak. It looked like it took so much out of him just to hold up his arm and wave to me. He was sitting in the rocking chair just looking at all of the flowers and bird in the yard. I expressed how much i needed him to readmit himself because he looked awful. He said I know, you mother has been lecturing me and If i gotta go back to that jail, im gonna enjoy my last day here. At the time i was like wow you're crazy. Why would he say that. I told him stop, you're coming home, you just need to go get some fluids and get healthy. I went back to my boyfriends, unloaded the dresser, came back to check on him about 3 hours later. He was still on the porch. I said are you kidding, you're still out here just chilling huh. I wasn't mad though because this was the longest i seen him awake in 3 months.
    His sister arrives at the house within an hour of me being there and this is when it gets emotional. We are all sitting on the porch, my mom inside because she cant look at him without crying endlessly. He starts telling me about all the bills he pays and where to find the accounts on his computer and like really revealing info about how to help support my mom. I couldn't help but tear up because why is he saying this. He tells me to take care of my mom and help her out and i just kept saying okay. He gets ready to go inside, finally, and my aunt helping him with his walker back inside, Im in front making sure he doesn't fall forward. I burst out crying as i look at him struggle to hold his arms above his waist to push his walker inside and his waist that used to be a size 42, is now too small to fit a size M mens shorts. They fall to his ankles and my dad was wearing a depends. I never thought i would live to see my dad in a diaper and so small that he doesn't fit in his clothes anymore. I pick them up and i take him to his recliner to sit down and that is when i break it down to my mom that this is bad. He is vanishing right before us and she just yells I KNOW I KNOW and cant stop crying. Fast forward some because it is all sad and all too much to process...
    HE arrives at the VA 45 mins from our house. My mom takes him with my aunt and i stay to look after the dog. He was having delusions of seeing things before he left and that was scary. A couple days in the hospital go by and we are told he has a bowel blockage for sure. He is kept on an NG tube for weeks. The doctors tell us because of his kidney he needs to be with specialists. Any type of correction surgery would send him straight into dialysis. They refer him to a VA in Virginia. Denied. They said they couldn't do anything. Referred him to DUKE University. Denied. Can't do anything. They finally get confirmation to send him to a VA in Durham, right across the street from DUKE. The day before he takes a long ride to Durham (3 hours away), the doctors tell me and my mom we can see him for 1 hours each and separately because of covid and that he was leaving the next day by noon. We go to see him and surprisingly, he looks sooooo much better. He even gained 11 pounds in the week that he was there. I had a long great talk with my dad, took a picture with him and laughed the whole time. It was like he never had been sick. My mom takes her turn, i patiently wait until it is time to go and I miss him everyday. We have hope that everything is going to be alright and he will come home soon.

    After being taken to Durham, The doctors "Rule" out pulmonary embolisms, covid, infection and gastroparesis and other illnesses and decided they are going to do a surgery on his stomach and cut out scar tissue to remove the problems from happening again. He has at this point been there for 2 weeks and we went to visit 1 time 5 days before surgery for 2 hours each. We take lots of pictures this time and laugh and joke. He is looking healtier than the last time we saw him and we have so much hope.

    The day before surgery i will never forget wishing him luck and him saying I'll be home by friday, and when i get home, have me some cheetos there. I want the crunchy kind.
    It is monday, The day of surgery and I am scheduled 11-7 to work. I arrive at work on time and i just felt kind of anxious and worried because my dad was going to be put under and im just an anxious person in general. My mother calls me at 11:37am. Crying, hysterically. You got to come home, something happened with dad. The doctors said his heart did something weird and now his lungs are filling up. I leave work, i go to my moms house. She is crying, Im trying to stay strong. The doctor calls back and said his heart had a reaction to surgery or anesthesia and his lungs are filling up with blood and they are putting him on ECHMO and sending him to DUKE. At that point, we start packing bags because we are going to drive 3 hours and we don't care about covid restrictions.
    When we finally arrive, around 6pm. I will never forget I swear seeing him lay on a table with 16 tubes coming out of his body. Blood on his stomach, not even sutured or closed. Still opened from surgery. His eyes, wide open and dry. His head so swollen and puffy and the way his body felt when i touched him. So cold. Me and my mom both hysterical. Not knowing what happened, what is going on, what can anyone do. The doctors tell us they think he has an infection and his body in this condition is a result of shock. They kept referring to sepsis and were thinking what how. This makes no sense. As time goes on and we never leave him. My mom leans down to kiss his forward and tells him when you fight, i will fight, but when you are tired of fighting, ill stop and tells him she loves him. I grab his hand, just rubbing it constantly and i tell him i still need you. In seconds of my moms response, he codes. 50 nurses come in and perform CPR and my heart races, im shaken up. I couldnt believe this was my life. Watching my dad fight for his life and Im begging for him to just stay.
    My dad died at 11:28pm under the VA's care. He was misdiagnosed for months and it has been determined that after a heart attack in 2006 and doubly bypass surgery that he has a severe heart issue and his heart couldn't make it through, but he also developed sepsis in the hospital at some point and oh yeah.. the pulmonary embolisms that were "Ruled" out, he has multiple 2-3 week old embolisms that traveled up his leg and no one knew. The doctors operated on a patient with a severe infection and then shipped him across the street because they didn't want a body on their hands.
    It is 11/19/2020 and my heart is broken. I cant even think anymore. I feel everything all at once but at the same time, nothing. I have nothing. I still have a mom, but my dad was the protector, the rescuer, the hero. He was my best friend and my whole reason for being the woman i am. I looked up to him and all of the great things he did as a Veteran and a Retired Nurse. I lose everything all at once and now i am stuck. I don't know how to feel. I need help, because I no longer have my person. I have to help my mom adjust to paying bills because she has literally never paid bills before. He took care of everything under the sun and she just worked to provide extras in the house. Why do i feel like time has become so slow and i'm just here, not even living anymore, just surviving day by day.