Lost every day

It has been five weeks since my wife Mary of 47 years died.
When I wake up I feel lost, like I don’t know where to go or what to do. I wonder around in the house looking for something but I don’t know what. I used to work in my little woodshop every day and now I can’t stand to be out there.
I’ve gone back to work but it’s really hard, can’t concentrate. I look for 5 o’clock to arrive so I can head home. When I get home I don’t know what I’m expecting but it’s not here. I just start crying and can’t wait till bedtime. When I do go to sleep it’s only for a couple of hours. And there comes that feeling, I’m just lost.

 

Woodman,
6 1/2 weeks ago I lost my wife of nearly 36 years and I know how you feel. Yesterday I posted on the thread just above this one (the one about losing a husband to rectal cancer) and I won't repeat it here but I am forcing myself to do necessary things (eat, wash, iron, cook, etc.) in the hope that at some future time, I might get some enjoyment out of them. I have dogs which I talk to and grown up sons that I can phone/message and friends and acquaintances that I can lean on (although that doesn't come naturally) and I can hear my wife telling me to "pull yourself together" or "crack on rather than crack up". I will be 70 in September but am reasonably fit so I find that keeping myself physically busy (lots of dog walks, physical activity, etc) helps with sleep although I find myself dozing in a chair in the evening and then spending time online until about 1 or 2 in the morning and then up at 6 or so for the dogs and it all starts again. Like is pretty empty at the moment but I have no problem with telling myself that I must go on for my sons and grandson even if it means that each day is a lonely trudge. I am hoping that this site (if I search it enough) will give me hope that people who have been through a similar loss have found some sort of light at the end of the tunnel or if not, at least some coping strategies through the darkness. If you google "grief in common loss of a spouse 5 things" you'll find a list of 5 things that I am now realise are true (there are probably more) so at least I know I am not alone in feeling these. But I do know that isolation is a killer and no matter how hard I find it to be "sociable" (when sometimes I just wan to cry) I know I must make the effort. My wife did 99% of the cooking and often used to say that I should cook more and now I have to and as I am slowly learning, I find a further way to beat myself up by realising that I should have done this when she was alive and now I will never be able to cook for her. But I plod on because what else do I do ? I have no idea if this is of any help to you, but at least you know that there is one person out there in a similar situation to yourself. You are not alone although it seems that way.

 

You have helped me very much just knowing someone else is out there. I’m having a hard time getting back in the swing but some of your ideas might help. The things that she did for me is what is hard for me to do. That may not make any sense but when I’m doing one of her jobs I feel as though I’m taking it away from her. My son comes over every day to check on me and it makes me feel good. But being around other people doesn’t make me feel good. I used to go to the gym every day but now it’s hard to see those people and even harder to talk to them. I live in a nice neighborhood so I try to get my exercise by walking around the neighborhood.
It sounds to me like you are well on your way. I hope it helps you also to know that you are not alone in this struggle.

 

Dear Woodman,
As I write this, tears are rolling down my cheeks (again) as the emptiness of everything hits me (again). I have been doing some outside tasks and I don't have my wife to talk to, discuss options with, get second opinions, share hopes and fears (and I have a lot of the latter) and in general be my soulmate. I have just been on the phone to a friend of my wife and I broke down in the middle (this happens often) and I am lonely but there is only one person's company that I really want and I know that that is something I will never have in this life. So I would not describe myself as "well on the way". I am struggling in the dark and wishing I could find a way to ease the pain. But this mood will pass (until the next time) and I am meeting my son, his wife and their 3-month old baby for lunch and while I don't have a problem with breaking down in front of them, I feel that I now have to live my life for them (and my younger son). I have no idea if this is a good idea but it gives me a sort of "get on with it" direction and I need that right now. I have lots of regrets over things I could have done better in our marriage and I know that this is not unusual but that doesn't help. I think I want my wife's forgiveness but I don't hear her voice. I wish I could have my time again and I would try to be a better husband and tell her that I loved her at least once a day but I know that this is a fantasy. If I believed in the afterlife, that would be some comfort but right now all I see is the awful finality of it all and a colourless future in front of me. Having been brought up a Catholic, wonder if this is Purgatory and in some way I feel as if I am doing penance and then I see a younger version of my wife and I want to run towards her and hold her and tell her that I love her.
And so it goes.
Sorry to go on but I think you will understand. On a more practical level, I have discovered a bereavement group near where I live and I am going to contact them. I have no idea if this will really help but I think I want to talk to people who understand face-to-face. I'll let you know how this turns out. It might be that it is actually easier to put down what I am really feeling in a forum like this rather than blub it out in some sort of group but we'll see.
In the meantime, I have some ironing to do.
All the best,

 

Woodman. Sorry for your loss. I too was married to my wife 47 years. 6 days shy of our 47th. Married on December 4th 1971 she died on November 28th 2018. It's now been 5 full months. I don't have a magic solution for you to relieve you hurt. The things I did have help but of course no cure (never will be) Life is very different for us now. I was able to take two extended trips first because I did not want to be home for the holidays. I drove from my home in California to Florida. No special reason except i had never been other than airports. Drove down East coast of Fl down to Key West back up West coast of Fl and home about 18 days. about 7,000 miles. Not sure even now what I saw...Kind of out of it I guess, but focused on driving and that helped me a lot to be away as Christmas meant nothing this year. Our only daughter lives in Italy and I went to visit after the Florida trip, stayed 6 weeks I think being together helped us both. (she was with us the last 5 weeks of my wife's care here at our home.). When I am away from the house I feel like I need to get back or let her know I'll be out a while.. weird the things that go through you mind. Then you stop and realize she's not there to tell anything.
I rambled here but I know the emotions of losing a long term spouse so If it ever helps I make the same offer to you as I did to Marlene who was married 49 years. email me
wayneannburch@gmail.com It takes lots more time than people are allowed by themselves and others who want to help but really don't get it.

God bless you and remember you are alive! That's what she would want and you for her.

Wayne B.

 

Wayne B. I am really afraid of the holidays. Even Mother’s Day is going to be hard since my dad was born on May 11. I have spoken with others that have taken road trips. Don’t know if I am ready for that. But it is exactly as you stated, when I’m not here I’m anxious to get back and I don’t know why. The house is so quiet and lonely. I’m going out to sit on the back porch some today, we loved to do that together. Just to watch the birds and squirrels eating at our feeder’s. So far nothing has made the hurt leave me.

Woodman

 

A friend called me the other day to talk. I really appreciated him calling. During our talk he said I should turn to God in prayer. It hit a chord, I felt very defensive. I told him I was praying many times a day but I didn’t think that it was a good way to pray. He didn’t understand so I explained. I told him that first I pray for God to give me the strength to get through this time. A few minutes later I find myself praying to God to bring my wife back. This goes on and on many times a day. I am all alone in this?

 

Another week has gone by oh so slowly. The heart ache, loneliness. Just talking to myself this morning about my house, she is what made it a home. It just doesn’t feel like a home anymore. It’s just part of the emptiness that I am feeling.
I did take a walk this morning and cried most of the way. We used to take these walks and just talk about everything that was going on. So in the final part of my walk today all I could think about was why am I here, what purpose do I serve. I have very little interaction with my grandkids. My daughter lives too far away to visit on a regular basis. My son tries so very hard, he comes straight from work to my house. I know he has a family he needs to take care of but he says he needs to be with me.
I’ve been going to work but it seems useless. I don’t care to speak to others but my job forces me to. Maybe good, maybe not so good, I don’t know. I am not very friendly to anyone right now.
I have a couple of neighbors that want to interact with me but I keep pushing them away, not sure why. Just don’t feel like being around anyone.
I’ve been reading a lot online about how to get through everything. I also go to grief counseling every two weeks and I have been to a bereavement group.
I’m trying to stay busy while I am at home but I just can’t get into it. Laundry takes no time to do, I have a small yard that takes less than an hour to mow. I only work part time so that’s five hours a day. Not much on TV although my wife and I watched game shows together and I still enjoy that. It’s like she’s still here solving puzzles and bidding on showcases.
If anyone out there can tell me something that I’m not doing that has helped you I would really appreciate it. This is the loneliest I have ever been on in my life and it is overwhelming. I just don’t have a purpose any longer.

 

Hello Woodman,
I know just what you mean,
"She made a house a home".
My dainty dearness Sofia
was my wife for 1 yr and
76 days till pneumonia took
her and my ❤ has seen
nothing but gray.

Thursday will be 2 months
I have been with out her and
what is worse was being up-
rooted. A 1700 mile ride up
to Mass. Glad I have family
but I have to get through this
But Never over it.

 

Woodman,

I lost my husband 4/6/19 to a motorcycle accident. We had a fairy tale marriage and now it has ended in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. We did everything together and when we weren't together we called, face timed, and texted several times a day. I go back and forth between begging God to help me, begging God to turn back time and I wouldn't have bought him the motorcycle, begging God to take me too. I have never had panic attacks before in my life but I do now. A good day is if I just have one panic attack that day. I am forcing myself to be in a routine but I am more like a robot mindlessly going through the motions each day until time to go home and that's when the panic sets in, when I am forced to remember I am going to an empty house. I had to move out of our home, I couldn't stand being there without my husband and I could picture him in every room. My new house is very peaceful but night time is awful and I can't sleep. I don't know what else we can do but validate each other's feelings. At first I was trying to survive each hour. Now I am trying to survive each day. Maybe soon I will be up to a month.

 

Kristy,

I’m staying in the house Mary and I had. But I’m not calling it a home because she made it a home. One day I might have the strength to move out, but I feel she is still here with me and I want to keep that. Day by day and sometimes they are very long and lonely days but that’s all we can do to survive. I have a son a daughter and three grandchildren whom I believe need me and that’s all that keeps me going. Some days I feel as if they would not miss me, I know this is wrong, I believe they care. All the thoughts keep going in and out, can’t sleep. Next Tuesday will be eight weeks since my Mary died and today I’ve only cried twice.
You can get through it just keep talking and keep remembering even though it hurts.

 

Woodman,

I know this is weird but I have a picture of my husband in my closet that I keep turned away from me until night time and then I get it out and start talking to my husband and of course crying like a baby. I absolutely hate weekends now. Before, I looked forward to every Friday because we would always go out to dinner at least , sometimes a movie (date night) and then we would make our plans for the weekend. We would always get out if even just for a long scenic drive, but usually we would go hiking and now its boating season. I am having the boat repossessed, it was in my husbands name only and I can't afford to keep it on my own and I wouldn't want to go out on it with out him anyway. It's tearing me up selling my house and loosing the boat, loosing the pieces of our life together.

 

I just went back and read my first post. Little has changed. I’m still crying, a lot. I miss her so very much, it’s hard to explain. I know many of you can understand how much I miss her. I’ve been going to counseling and trying to stay busy. It’s all meaningless. I just need Mary to give me one of those hugs and reassure me it will be OK.

Not a day goes by that I don’t wish and pray for her to be here when I get home. My heart aches for her, my arms just want to hold her. We didn’t finish what we started, our whole life together. We had so much more to do, going back to the beach, moving into a smaller house. Just a couple of things that we have talked about in the past couple of years that now we will never do.

In many ways I am more lost now than ever.

 

I so know what you mean.
Married a yr and 76 dsys with
plans to go back to our honey-
moon place. Cuddle an watch
the honeymooners, sit by the
beach. My heart cries all the
time.

 

I went to visit Mary at the cemetery today. We had a long talk. I don’t know why i’m here. When I got back I mowed the grass, why? I’m sitting here just wishing I had a hug from her. Nothing means anything without her. With my life insurance my son would be set for the rest of his life. Everyone is much better off without me.

 

Woodman, I know these are
dark days for you. God has
some plan for you. If not,
Well you are here. I know
what you, me and others
are going through to a
good extent. No grief can
last forever though it
seems that way.

I read where one man said,
"Given a choice between
Grieving. or not, I'd chose
grieving."

Woodman, the more you
grieve the more it shows
how much you loved her.
There is a lot to be said
for that.

 

Woodman,

I know many of us can empathize with ur feelings and I have had them too. But your kid wouldn’t be “set”. He would be destroyed just like we are. The money means nothing. Having no bills and plenty of money to do whatever just doesn’t mean a dang thing when you feel the way we do. Eventually we will want to live again. It’s two months since I lost my husband and I struggle sun up to sun down wanting to continue to live without my husband. I read this book and it said just to focus on one day at a time and not not think about long-term goals or plans that you may or may not of had it’s better at this point just to go by each day maybe a week at the most otherwise you get too overwhelmed with the thought of the loss and doing those things without your spouse. I also found this grief support group that sounded really very good it’s called way if you’re younger than 50 when you had your loss and then they have another one called way up if you were over 50 when you suffered your loss only problem is it’s only in the United Kingdom but I sure wish we had something like that here in United States is very well organized lots of activities lots of group get-togethers local chapters and things like that yes I’m thinking about contacting them so that I can find out if they would let us to see their charter so we could maybe try to start something like that here in United States
We can do this one day at a time just getting those horrible awful feelings off of our chest right here on this support group. For now it’s all I can do. And I hope you will too.

 

Today marks 13 weeks since Mary died. I just can’t stop crying. I was not ready for this despite the year we had to prepare. I want her back so very badly. I am not a whole person anymore. I can do nothing without her. Life means nothing, seems the only reason I am here is to keep the house clean. I’m not doing a good job of that. I hurt for her every day. I can’t get past seeing her just laying there helpless, the cancer having its way with her. She weighed less than 80 pounds when she died. It hurts so bad. I want to be with her, to hug her and kiss her. 13 weeks feels like 13 minutes, I can still see her at the funeral home. I just want to hold her and bring her back to me. I knew it would be final but could not comprehend how final. Somehow I just kept thinking there would be more. Not sure what I expected, everyone around me knew what was going to happen. They keep asking if I was OK and I would say yes. Even the last day in hospice when they said she could die at any minute. I kept thinking something would happen, it would be OK. It hurts today just like you did 13 weeks ago. I want her back so bad. I need her.

 

I also did not comprehend the finality! I wish there was something I could do to help ease your pain; I feel it too. It is still minute by minute, day by day. Try to stay strong. I'm actually thinking about hiring a maid to come in once a week.