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loss can still be "sudden" even if preceded by illness

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by ES70, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. ES70

    ES70 New Member

    Illness did not prepare me for the loss of my husband 11 days ago. Even when he was sick, I saw his smile every morning and every evening and received the kisses he blew to me whenever I came into the room. He was always there for me emotionally and was my greatest supporter. Now he is gone. He died suddenly over 12 hours going from having a conversation with me about every day things to being dead. Has anyone felt this way- that illness does not "train" you for the actual death of your loved one?
     
    Astara likes this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    I say it all the time, nothing and I mean NOTHING can prepare us for the finality of death. I think in many ways we're not truly wired to comprehend what a loss is going to feel like when someone is gone. I don't believe that shock is reserved only for those who have had a sudden loss. In my groups we talk about people who have lost a loved one to a long term illness (for example the loss of a mother who had Alzheimers for 10 years) and then those who lost someone suddenly like a heart attack or a car accident. But then there is the group in the middle - those who's loved one was diagnosed with an illness but who didn't have a lot of time between their first symptoms and their decline. In those cases it may seem there was some chance for preparation, but let's face it, as long as our loved one is still here it's hard to focus on anything but them getting better, and holding on to that hope. It sounds like what you're describing and I think a lot of grievers can relate to the challenges you are facing.
    Getting support can help and I'm glad you have found our site. I truly hope it can be a help to you. Please take care~
     
    FoundaGoodThing2002 likes this.
  3. Tutti

    Tutti New Member

    My husband had been ill with a rare neurologic condition for many years. Even so, my heart was not ready for his death 8 weeks ago. Mentally I thought I was preparing myself, and financially we were making plans for the likelihood that I would be going on alone. None of that mattered though. Because its my heart that is feeling the loss. I feel like he has been torn away from me. Like even my skin hurts. When he was alive, he filled my days with his jokes and conversation. Even the shared silences were special. I guess that his illness couldn't prepare me for losing him.
     
  4. Feeling alone

    Feeling alone Member

    So sorry for your loss. My mom just lost her spouse (my dad) 2 weeks ago. They were together 51 yrs. It has been so hard for her, myself and 2 sisters. Does it get better?? Its hard to imagine how. My mom now lives alone and her future is of constant worry. Would appreciate any suggestions of how you cope and remain hopeful. Peace to you
     
  5. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

     
  6. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re right illness doesn’t prepare you for the death of a loved one. I lost my partner on the 15th December 2018, i never thought that i would never see him again, he passed away in intensive care, now I’m all all he was my whole world and now I’m completely alone and devastated.
     
  7. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

     
  8. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

    I’m just wondering if there’s anyone out there I can talk., I’m scared and completely devastated and lost without my beloved, I feel as if I’m going mad. Please I need a friend.!
     
  9. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Beccy, I'm so sorry for your loss. We are here to help, and everyone here totally understands. If you're not getting replies in this thread you can always comment in another forum or reach out to an individual. And I am here to help too, in any way I can....
     
  10. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

    Thanks for your kind words, I’m glad to know I’m not alone , I’m still trying to find my way around this forum.
     
  11. An illness or a decline can make a person's passing seem sudden. My wife started having symptoms in Oct 2018. Through the rest of the year, we were thinking about getting her healthy again, not even considering death as a possible outcome. When we received the diagnosis of terminal cancer, we were in disbelief. It didn't seem real. Even through the start of chemo, it just didn't "fit" that this would kill my wife. She checked into the hospital on Mar 6, and who would've ever known that she'd never come home again. She left us on Mar 19. Who in their right mind would think a person could go from seemingly healthy to dying of cancer in 5 months? Yes, we had SOME time to prepare, but when every visit to the doctor sends a new shock to your system, everything feels sudden.

    Beccy, feel free to reach out to me if you're feeling alone. I check in here every few days.
     
  12. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

    Thank you so much, I feel completely devastated and alone without him, he was my whole world and now I have nothing. I don’t know what to do now I’m by myself, it’s not getting easier knowing I’m on my own. I cry all the time.
     
  13. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

    I’m so sorry for your loss
     
  14. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

     
  15. Beccy, how was your Easter? Holidays sure are rough when your spouse is missing.
     
  16. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

    I find all days really difficult, I went to my moms for Easter hoping to make the day go a bit easier, I was ok until going home then I just broke down and cried.
    How was your Easter?, do u have family and friends to support you?
     
  17. Beccy, we have wonderful friends and family to support us through this process. I've been really sad today. It was hard to get going this morning. Fighting depression after a loss is so frustrating. I know that I'll have good days and bad days, but I don't get any advanced warning. When I woke up, I knew it was going to be a bad day. I cried randomly all morning. Church was frustrating, because of so many people who know what we're going through. Support from a church family is wonderful, but the attention is overwhelming. I couldn't keep it together. Family time today went pretty well, but I cried a lot on the way home. I miss my wife, and Easter without her just isn't the same. It's downright painful. Thanks for asking.
     
  18. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Is it sudden loss when my wife, Sofia goes into the hospital on the 8 of March and dies on the 16th because a dirt bag in State Gov.
    Public records, Alex ratted me out to the hospital?
    Robbing me of any say that would/could have possibly saved his sister/ my wife. I guess only God
    Knows that answer. Especially when Sofia started to get a bit better?

    I know she was a dainty and loving wife and because a narcistic little bugger could not get his own way, he struck out against a guy he never met and a guy who never hurt him.

    Alex, you flaming idiot. Are you such a fool as to think you got away with this? If so. I can not imagine how you got the job you did.

    Somewhere down lifes road you will get your comeuppance and if not, on the day you meet Jesus.

    God is not big on snitches or rats.
    And If Jesus took my wife he damn well did not need your help.

    There are a lot of things I don't know but I know that you did a rotten and malicious act of evil or damn close to it by ratting me out, simply because you are a sorry excuse of a person to do what you did and very juvenile as well, to want to get even to the point it had a good part of your sisters death.

    I know you won't believe me, no
    doubt about it. But I was there every day while you were doing who knows what up in Tally, Fl.

    When a guy pulls away from family and makes changes, to suit himself with no regard for others, I don't
    know what to think, or Maybe I just might.
     
  19. middlechild

    middlechild Member

    all the this . . . and my dad was 93 when he died. it didn't matter. i swear all i could see was how awesome he was. all i could see was the things he could do. i knew he was 93, but to all of us it seemed like he still had so much life left in him. yes, he'd had this setback and that setback and there was the heart failure and there was this and then that.

    but even allowing for those things we still thought we'd have at least three or four years of him still. it's not just about us and what we thought we'd get either. my dad endured 20 years of isolation from his family because of an elder-abuse situation. so much of my grieving right now is because i so badly feel like he EARNED the right to enough good years afterwards to redress that balance. i wanted to keep him alive forever and just pour all the love and the good things on him until the abuse wasn't even a thing that was still worth him thinking about.

    a year just doesn't feel as if it was enough. sorry to derail, but i guess something about your wife's fight is making me feel like i know the feeling.
     
  20. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Dear Middlechild,

    Yes I do not know what to
    make of it. My wife was
    starting to get better and the
    hospital wanted to do a
    bronchoscopy they really
    Thought would help.

    Next thing I am told," You
    are not her legal huband
    and the hospital must find
    next of kin."

    So thanks an effing lot to
    Northside hospital in st.
    pete florida and to a most
    worthless piece of garbage
    up there in Tallahassee, fl.
    Alex Nicolas

    Yes Middlechild it hurts even
    more to think that if he did
    not call the hospital, would
    my wife have gotten better?

    Sadly, I will never know.