Trying to cope

First I’d like to offer my condolences to all who have lost someone as this is the reason we are all here. This is my first time on and I don’t know if I’m doing this right. Either way I’d like to share my story. Yesterday was the first day of 2019 and like many others I had the honor of ringing in the new year with my family and friends. Most importantly with my grandmother who turned 86 the day after Christmas. We did the countdown and hugged and kissed everyone but most importantantly my grandma who got extra kisses. Having her around for another New year was always a blessing. I understand at her age each year was precious. New Year’s Day started like any other we slept in a bit late because of the celebration the night before. My husband and son left to take my oldest kid to work and I stayed with my grandparents my mother and youngest child. I was getting ready to make dinner when my mom called me into my grandparents room because my grandma looked very ill I went to see her and decided to call 911 immediately from that point on her condition deteriorated and fast by the time I knew it the 911 operator was instructing me on giving CPR I tried and tried for what felt like a lifetime but she wasn’t breathing my child was also trying desperately to assist. The paramedics arrived and took over for about 40 minutes they got her on the gurney and were still trying to revive her. We received notice from the police that they had eventually got her pulse and got her breathing again. We all rushed to the hospital and waited in the lobby until they called us to a private room.we waited and waited than the doctor came in and explained that she had 3 cardiac arrests and a stroke. They were trying to stabilize her so that we could go in 2 by 2 than afterwards another doctor came in and explained that her neuro exam was not good at all. We decided we didn’t want extreme measures my grandpa signed a DNR and we waited again to be taken in 2 by 2. Suddenly the nurse gathered us all and said come in everyone now and I knew this was it. She passed away 1/1/2019 at 7:15 PM completely surrounded by her family. It’s day 2 and I feel lost I keep seeing her face in the bathroom while I was doing CPR and my sons traumatized look in his eyes I feel like I could’ve done better if I had been faster I keep feeling the bones break as I desperately tried to save her and I feel like I failed. And now I’m here I’ve never done a support group but I feel so freaking guilty and hurt and angry and tired. Anyways I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for giving me a place to write this all down..

 

Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I think it is common to wonder if there was something more you could have done. I lost my mother suddenly in May. She was extremely tired one day and went to bed early. I went upstairs the next morning and found her face-down on the floor, cold and stiff. I initially wondered why I didn’t hear her fall, could I have saved her if did, etc. It’s human nature to play “what if” in situations like this, but it serves no useful purpose. It has gotten better for me and hopefully will for you too.

 

I’m also sorry to hear about your mother. I can honestly say now I know how that feels. Losing anyone you love is hard. For me growing up I would imagine what it would be like when she passed I had this idea that it would be in her sleep or at the hospital. As an adult I realized that’s not how it works. And as she got older and sicker every time my mom called I’d think to myself I hope everything is okay. The trauma of it all is what stays fresh in my mind also the fact that it happened on New Year’s Day continues to be a shock this is all very fresh and recent. What’s had me coping these following days is having all the family coming in from out of town planning the arrangements and not really having the time for it to really sink in, as that tends to happen once everyone is gone. Tomorrow is going to be a hard one it’s the funeral and the last time I get to see her beautiful face again. I’m hoping for strength and really can’t wait till that’s all done so the healing process can begin. Wish me luck and thanks for responding..