Feeling terrible after loss of my father

Hi There,

I lost my father a year and a half ago. I feel very lonely. He was such a big part of me. I wish I could see him again and talk to him and give him a hug. I would really like to talk with someone who understands how I am feeling.

 

I think I know how you're feeling. I lost my mother in August and she was the one person who seemed to really care about me. I have a few good friends but no one who was always there for me like her. I feel a lot of guilt too and wish I had told her more about how much I appreciated her. Some of it I didn't realize until she was gone.

How did your father die? I was wondering if it was sudden or after an illness.

I would love to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through too, so hopefully we can connect.

 

Hi Jan,

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel when a parent dies the world is very different and scary.

Thank you very much for your comment. My father had heart failure. He was pretty stable until December two years ago and then we were told there was nothing the doctors could do for him. In the following February his condition was deteriorating rapidly and he died in March 2017.

I am sorry it took a while to respond. I did not realize I got a comment until now. I have figured out how to check for alerts. I would really like to connect and talk about what we are going through.

Thank you for reaching out

 

Erial,

I'm still getting used to this web site so I'm sorry if I have your name wrong.

I know that must have been tough and I'm sorry you and your father went through that My mother had heart failure, in addition to other problems and it was hard to help her feel comfortable.

Tomorrow I am having a small get together with a few friends and neighbors to remember my mother. I wanted to do something for her but it's hard.

It would be great to connect.

Janice

 

Hi Janice,

It is terrible seeing someone you love so much having a very difficult time. I feel empathy and sadness for you. I am very sorry your mother went through that.

I am glad your friends came over to remember your mother. I hope you were able to find peace and comfort. I do try to think of the things my dad and I did together and the things he would say to me.

Best wishes

 

Erial,

Thanks for your kind wishes.

The get together was really helpful. But then today I felt worse, especially as the day wore on. I feel really guilty for some of my arguments with my mother. Things wer better between us in the lst six monoths before she died but before that there were some conflicts.

I like the way you think of your father. Were you able to do that soon after his death or did it take awhile?

Take care,

Jan

 

Hi Jan,

I am so sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. We live in California and have been experiencing smoke from the wild fires. It has made me quite nervous and I got preoccupied. It is getting better now but I feel terrible for others who have it much worse.

I know guilt is a very hard emotion after the loss of a loved one. Something that helped me that I have done a few times is to write a letter to my father and then write a letter back as my my father. If there are some unresolved feelings it may help to get them out. It sounds like you were there for your mother when she needed you. You have written lovely things about her. In close mother daughter relationships the two really understand how the other one feels. There will always be conflicts but I feel they know how much they are loved.

It did take a while for me to remember some things about my dad. At first I was in shock and my mind felt like a blank. Slowly, memories would come back like the way my dad would sit on the couch or the way he would rub his eyelids with his thumb. Are you remembering things about your mother or is it hard right now?

This time of year is so hard. My dad would always make the turkey. I remember him sitting at the table and smiling. I wish so much that he was still here.

Take care

 

Erial,

You wrote me such a nice note and it made me feel better. No problem about taking a while, as I have too now. It must be really difficult being around that fire. I've never lived through anything like that here in Chicago.

I like your suggestion about writing to my mother. I've done it several times but still find it hard. I've ended up complaining to her about some difficult things going on in my life, which is what I used to do when she was alive. But the idea of writing back as her is interesting and might help.

This holiday was really hard without my mother, as you mentioned. I had heard that holidays would be but somehow it didn't register until it happened.

You write such nice comments about your father. He sounded really great. Maybe the closer we are to someone we love, the more difficult this grieving is.

Take care.

Jan

 

Hi Jan,

I'm so glad my note made you feel better. I also appreciate you taking the time to write to me and make lovely comments. It really helps!

I also had a relationship with my father where I would talk about my problems or things I was concerned about. I remember on the first anniversary of his death going to his grave and telling him how much I missed him and also talking about things that were bothering me.

Someone this week commented that I really seem like my father. I just started crying. I could tell he felt uncomfortable but was nice about it. He ended up saying sorry for making me cry and then said something great about my dad. I tried to reassure him he did not do anything wrong but I just really missed my dad.I feel that sometimes people don't know how to respond to a grieving person. I know that can for me contribute to the feeling of loneliness. I have heard of some other cultures where people feel very free just to come and cry with the grieving person. I tend to be more on the emotional side and I was thinking it would be nice to have a place like that where people felt comfortable to cry and knew they would be accepted.

I agree the loss of someone so close feels so difficult. I find myself wanting to find some connection with my dad and hoping that his energy is still out there. I feel the universe is still so wonderfully mysterious that there really is no right answer and that helps to leave the door open to that possibility.

Take care

 

Erial,

Your note to me is so nice and beautifully written.

I've just had a lot going on with my mother's house and legal issues, which seem to consume me lately. So will write this weekend.

Thanks and take care.

Janice

 

Erial,

Sorry again I couldn't reply earlier.

I wish it was more acceptable to grieve openly. I think it's a sign of real love that you responded the way you did when that guy told you you seemed like your father.

I know I would be better off if I could express my grief openly but I always feel like it's inappropriate to cry in front of other people. When I do, I can sense their discomfort.

I would feel better right now if I could just deal with my grief over losing my mom and my love for her. But having to sort out her house and leave it is killing me. I also have a dog and four cats, which were a huge comfort to my mom, but I'm having trouble finding any apartment that will take all of us. And I'm dealing with a sister who didn't see our mother for 10 years and won't help at all with the house.

So all this frustration and anger is getting mixed up with my grief.

On the plus side, I do have a friend from high school, who lost her father a few years ago and is very understanding,

I think sharing these issues with like-minded people lie you and my friend from high school can really help.

So I appreciate you being there.

Janice

 

Hi Janice,

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. It must be just terrible having to go through your mother's house on your own. I know it is so hard when you look at something and it brings back many memories. When you wrote that it's killing you my heart went out to you.

It is good that you have an understanding friend. I was wondering if she could help you sort out your mother's house.

I know that emotions do feel mixed up in grieving especially when other things in your life are difficult. Sometimes the emotions can feel scary but I think at some point if you feel comfortable allowing yourself to feel them it might help. In grief I have also noticed feeling overwhelmed. I have been told focusing on tasks just for that day might help.

Please don't feel any rush in responding. Please just take your time.

Best wishes

 

Erial,

I really appreciate your nice note.

I'm so upset lately that made one friend uncomfortable. The one who was helping me with a letter to my lawyer and sister ended up getting so fed up with my complaints and crying that she gave me a polite brush-off. I tried to explain I was acting crazy because I'm so upset, but some people don't understand.

I do have another friend who helps with the house, which I really appreciate, but I have trouble getting going on it and need to direct her exactly what to do. Focussing on tasks for that day should help but I have trouble even doing that.

I know part of the problem is that I just don't want to move because I love the house and it reminds me of my parents and my life with them.

Will write more when I feel a little better about all this.

Thanks again.

Janice

 

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