When is it not wrong to reach out for love?

Dear Glego - It is true. If the situation were reversed it would mean everything to me for her to be happy. What you say is correct, it is absolutely not a choice between her and someone else. Thank you for sharing your insights.

 

I am so glad I found this site. My husband of 47 years has been sick for five years. In the last three he was rapidly declining. I was his caretaker and spent many days in hospitals with him. I had picked him up to bring him home from the hospital two months ago and when we got home, I thought he seemed different, but the nurse had said to me that he just needed a good night's rest in his own bed. Six hours later I helped him to the bed. He grabbed his chest, fell over, and was gone. I am devastated and to top it off, I feel so lonely and keep thinking about trying to meet some new people. I have been so isolated taking care of him. I'm not looking for a boyfriend or significant other just someone to have dinner with or go to a movie with. I miss hearing a man's voice. I want to feel connected again. I'm not doing anything this is just what goes on in my head. Just the fact that I'm thinking like this makes me feel so guilty.

 

So sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty, everyone is different and this is so individual. Being a caretaker is difficult, I too spent many days and nights over his last few years in the hospital. Many emotions going on, and the loneliness. It's fine to want someone in your life, whether it be a boyfriend or significant other. or just companionship of dinner and a movie.

I went from thinking of never again for a relationship, to a male friend, now he may be something more. Take your time, listen to your head and heart. However, never feel guilty, as humans we crave to be loved. From birth to death, a soothing voice, a hand to hold and someone to share the day with are all normal desires.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I appreciate your response.

 

Dear Biloxiblue - I totally understand what you are saying. I have been through and continue to go through the exact same feelings and emotions. It is normal. I tell myself that there is no reason to feel guilt. We are human beings who all need to love and be loved. There is nothing wrong with that. I think that the guilt is something we all experience sooner or later. But I also think that we should not give into it because really, there is nothing to be guilty about. I know that I loved and still love my wife even though she is gone. I aleays will love her but that does not mean that I can't love again also.

 

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with.

 

Wise words, Leaf.

 

Dear Biloxiblue - What you say is so true and it hurts so much. I too believe that this is the hardest thing I ever had to endure. While the pain and sorrow have never left me' the passage of time has helped me to cope with living in this strange and sad new world.

 

I understand what you are feeling. I recently lost my wife suddenly and totally unexpectedly. She was the true love of my life and she and I had/have 6 amazing kids. Luckily the kids are older with the youngest being 16. To your dilemma, I am lost on this as well. I know I can never replace my wife and I do NOT want to, but getting into a king size bed every night alone is miserable. We slept naked and I miss the warmth of her snuggling up to my back. It's not a sex thing, it just that I am missing the human contact I think. I feel super guilty that I even think of another person but I think I am looking for more of a physical touch and be touched feeling and not an emotional replacement for my wife. I too have looked on a couple of online sites. I have looked mostly on hookup sites but I don't have the guts to move forward. I do have lots of guilt like I am cheating or disrespecting her memory in some way.

She always told me that she would be the first to go and that I shouldn't be alone forever but right now I really don't want to replace her, I think it is just the emptiness and loneliness that is driving me to look. Not sure if I will actually go forward with anything but the looking keeps my mind busy and I think that is a lot of what I need right now. I think having an anonymous / stranger to talk to and not have them know your situation and feel sorry for you would be a nice change as well.

Hopefully someone else will give some feedback on their experience and we can all move forward with the help from friends, family, this forum and even the occasional meeting.

 

(somehow this got posted under your name above, so I am copying it down here instead)
biloxiblue:
When we lose someone we treasure so much, we must do what our heart is telling us to do in order to begin to move forward-or we are liable to be 'stuck' in deep grief instead of improving. There is nothing wrong with your wanting to do something you have not been able to do for years. You need something to lift your spirits so don't tear yourself down. Be good and kind to yourself like you would to someone else. And please don't worry about what others will think-they don't know what you are going through...
Chris

 

Thank you Chris!

 

Greetings, Leaf

I have a somewhat different situation. I am seeing a man who lost his wife 7 months ago. He feel he is ready to move on. I don't think you are doing the wrong thing. Grief is highly personal and no one can tell you when it's ok to move on. That is totally up to you. I lost my husband many years ago and got stuck in prolonged grief for many years. Now I see that's an actual diagnosis and something can be done about it. I wish I had known that back then. My problem now is insecurity regarding the man I'm dating--will he still be in my life when he's completely worked though his grief.

 

In my opinion, whatever it is worth I don’t see how anyone could possibly date or seek another relationship within the first year of losing your spouse. I lost my wife just three years ago this week I have not. been out with anyone I think about it, but she was the love of my life. I am 65. We were together for 36 years. Yeah it does get lonely, but it is not a prerequisite to be with another person in order to live my life. I’d be just fine if I don’t meet anybody ever again, great love great loss. I think sometimes that those that seek relationships just can’t handle being alone maybe you are a little bit weak that may be harsh but that’s my opinion or your marriage wasn’t that great. Also, when people hear that someone had moved on so quickly, I would think they are a little shocked, if not surprised.

 

I don't know how old you are but from what I've noted most Boomer widows are either one of two ways. They either don't want anything to do with a man other than their deceased husbands or they are on a mission to get into a relationship. Dating sites might work if you're in an area with a lot of people but if one lives in a fairly small area you have to drive many miles away to go on a date which is hard for a lot of guys. So the next thing is to look for someone younger which I suppose is OK if you can find someone that isn't your children's age but is some years younger than yourself. Then you have to find someone who isn't looking just for what you have. I'm only 7 months into this and I'm still deeply love with my wife but she isn't here anymore. I think the world has changed a lot and the finding of a connection is more brutal than it once was. And right now finding female friendship is more important than finding a person to do everything with.

 

I think that is untrue. I had a great marriage. My wife and I loved each other deeply. We were married for 40 years and losing her crushed me. For months I looked for her to come back again but she didn't and she won't ever. I visit her grave every day because it is right near our house. I think of her all the time. But it is possible to find female friendship and companionship at the level of grief you're at. My wife wanted me to take care of myself. She told both me and her doctors that. She did it because she loved me. It nearly killed me to say goodbye to her and to this day I have my moments. But all of us are flesh and blood and not stone. There is no set period when grief goes away but you have to learn to function with it. And finding female friendship if one desires is part of that. My wife also told me that men or women who don't seek love again are the ones who were soured on marriage because they probably didn't have a good one.

 

I have thought about doing that, but have not. I think the calendar is a poor tool for judging when it is right; it needs to feel right. Family is not an issue for me - my sister and her adult kids are all the family I have left and they just want me to be happy. I do miss intimacy, but not enough to go looking for it in my current state of mind. I know I'll never find another woman who could hold a candle to my Jane, or replace our 35 years together, or the 15 we were close friends before that. She was awesome and we made a great team, and I miss her more than I can express. So here I am - mired in grief two years on. I'm here because I want to move on - just trying to figure out how.