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When is it not wrong to reach out for love?

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Leaf, Dec 7, 2020.

  1. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    I lost my wife of over 40 years five months ago to a cancer that we never even knew that she had. I think of her every day. I miss her so much and I cry for her every day. I will always love her until I draw my last breath in this world. I feel that I have room in my heart to love again. Looking ahead, I realize that I miss, need and want the companionship and maybe even love of a woman. I joined an internet dating site. I found it to be uplifting and the woman I have corresponded with tend to be widows. Most of them have been widows for years. Some of them were shocked and dismayed that I have been a widower for only five months. this put a heavy feeling of guilt upon me. In many ways, it made me feel worse. Am I doing wrong by not waiting longer? What should I be waiting for? It is very painful and confusing. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings?
     
    I’m lost likes this.
  2. ksteve

    ksteve Active Member

    First of all, there is no "right" or "wrong" answer. Some folks may seek companionship relatively early while other may be content to go it alone for the rest of their life. I'm sure age factors in but you need to do what's right for you regardless of age. I've had numerous discussion with individuals (divorced and widowed) where their kids step in and tell "mom" or "dad" how they should behave or show resentment to their new partner. It can really get to be a mess especially if you choose to marry as that has all sorts of legal ramifications. I even recall joking about being single and did I get the looks from my daughter. Should that stop you - NO! It's your life and you need to figure out what right for you. So maybe some warning signs or better yet, things you should at least consider. Depending on the individual, the first months and even years can be extremely difficult. I could write a book about the feelings I have for my wife and how those feeling sometimes conflict with how I move forward. In the first year I had guilt trips if I even remotely thought about a relationship. The macho side of me kept surfacing - I can cook, clean, push these feelings aside and move forward. Wrong, wrong , wrong and wrong. Grieving is a process and there are no short cuts. If you think romantic companionship is a cure for a broken heart, you might want to rethink that (my opinion). I needed to find a place in my heart for my wife and make sure I'm ok with that for the rest of my life. The loneliness just need to be patient while I sort this out. I remember another poster mentioned that his wife said you need to move on just don't forget me. I think that says it best. I'm just past the two year mark and can get through most days without a meltdown. I know I can never get back to my (our) "comfortable normal". I will never find another Lynn, that is just the way it works. I haven't closed the door on seeking companionship. Sometimes just talking to someone is a real joy. So look to your heart, it will tell you when your ready.
     
    Ree, Cyndi69, ainie and 3 others like this.
  3. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear ksteve - I fully agree that nobody will ever replace my loving wife. But like you said, I will always keep her in my heart and never forget her. I do not look for a romantic relationship to be a cure for my broken heart. I know that there will be no "cure" for that. I don't want a cure for it. I accept it as part of my life moving forward. All I am saying is that I do not want to shut the door on another. I thank you so much for responding to this and sharing your thoughts and feelings. The bottom line is that you can't force anything either way and your heart will tell you when you are ready. But I really feel that we must let our hearts be free to speak to us and not be afraid to listen. Thanks again.
     
    glego likes this.
  4. I know how you feel, Leaf. My husband passed after a 2 yr. battle with cancer just 3 months ago. I think companionship in ones life is especially important after having spent 47 yrs. with someone. I miss that the most. I wish I had your courage to try dating again so soon but I am getting feedback from family and friends who think they know better. I know I am grieving but I am not stupid. Why can't they understand I just want to talk and enjoy some company with someone.
     
    JanGlancy, Rosa V and I’m lost like this.
  5. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear Still Here Rose - I know. It is so hard and lonely. Nobody in my family is aware of what I am doing. I really feel that they would not like it or understand. At this point, the only thing I have done is to correspond on the web site or e-mail. I have not physically met anyone or even talked on the phone. I still don't feel right and feel guilt although I really do not understand why. But I do know that these correspondences have helped me feel a little better. Especially when I realized that many of the women, especially in our age range, are widows. They feel like us except not as recent.
     
  6. Everyones' reasons for reaching out will be different. Like you, I have no idea what my family is even thinking when I say things like I want to meet someone new. I wonder if there minds aren't being a bit trashy. Maybe I should send them the meaning of companionship and maybe more, the true meaning of alone. Glad you are there.
     
  7. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately they will not be able to understand unless they go through an experience just like yours. Try to do whatever you need to get some healing, and realize that, even though they do not understand, this is what you need to do to get a little better. Time will pass, and they will have to accept your needs. which are so different than they were before this tragic loss. You are a different person now in many ways. May God heal you.
     
    Sweetcole and Rosa V like this.
  8. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Very well said. I hope it helps those who are hurting and hunting for an answer.
     
  9. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear Still here Rose - thank you so much for writing to me again. I feel like you do "get it" and it helps me to know that there is someone else out there who can relate to what I am saying. I'm glad you are there too and hope that you reach out also. I still have this guilt, do you? On top of the never ending grief, it's hard to deal with sometimes.
     
  10. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear c marie - Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I see that you went through great tragedy as well and my heart goes out to you. You are so right when you say that nobody who hasn't been through this can truly understand, I maybe am a different person now but I don't quite know what that is and I am still learning. May God bless and heal you too. Thanks again.
     
  11. Leaf- thank you for a reply.
     
  12. Haven't thought about guilt yet. I would say no I am not feeling guilty for thinking about reaching out for companionship. I miss so much of the little things that made you feel connected, either seen or felt.
     
  13. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Dear Leaf, thank you for taking the time to read about my loss. Your response to my reply means so much. Sometimes we reach out to try to help and never know if it has been any help. I appreciate your reply. We are all walking down the same road of grief, which we didn't choose, but which we must learn how to navigate. I just kept depending on God to get me through, and He did! Love, Chris
     
  14. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    I know - there are so many little every day things that are gone forever and it can be so empty and painful. We can only hang in there and do the best we can.
     
  15. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear Chris - Once again your words do help me feel better. Thank you.
     
  16. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I think this is so individual no right or wrong answer, just what's right for you. In a few short hours it will be officially a year for me. My husband knew he was ill and told me to find someone and live life, of course I didn't want to hear any of this and would dismiss it. I would tell him it could be me first, and he'd joke that he'd have to find someone as he couldn't do it all around here.

    In all sincerity, you're the only one responsible for your happiness and therefore only have to answer to yourself.
     
  17. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear Glego - Thank you so much. That is a touching story about your husband. My wife and I never had the opportunity to discuss this. While she was in the hospital we were acting under the illusion that she was going to be able to come home and maybe live another 6 months. But then she went to ICU and hospice after that and we really were never able to have any meaningful conversations. I just have to navigate by what feels right. Thanks again.
     
  18. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    You're welcome, Leaf. My husband's illness spanned over 5 years and in/out of the hospital many times. While at home he'd randomly bring this up, and I'd sort of shot down the conversation, I didn't want to think of it. Now I regret doing that, as he may have wanted to talk. But I think it may have been my comment on here somewhere about the "don't forget about me," because he did say that to me, and I said the same to him stating that we never know what could happen. I'd remind him that caretakers sometimes pass first, it's said something like 30% of the time. I'd also joke with him that we need to find a way to both go at the same time so neither one of us would have to grieve, or be left to clean out the house and garage.

    We also were planning for him to come back home, he had always bounced back before. We've all been dealt a hand that we don't want.
     
    ashish_bhan likes this.
  19. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear Glego - We sure have been dealt a hand we don't want. I think in the last few days, she knew what was going to happen because she said a few things to me that she wanted me to do but it was nothing like a conversation. She could barely speak. Maybe this is part of the source of guilt that I feel like I never got her blessing so to speak. I don't know. But what you said is right that each of us who goes through this has to decide for ourselves what is going to make us happy and go on in life.
     
    glego likes this.
  20. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Dear Leaf, I understanding that having her blessing would mean the world to you. However, keep in mind of your deep love for each other over 40 years. When you love this deeply, you want absolute happiness for your partner. I know if my husband survived me, I'd want him to be happy, and not lonely. Love is wanting the best for those left behind. My husband was always my biggest cheerleader, he put my well being ahead of his. I know he would want me to find someone to share my life with, he always told people, "I have the best wife." I'd say the best one for you, I will always be his wife no matter what happens in the future. Maybe someday I'll be a wife for a second time. I'm not ready just yet, maybe someday. But when/if that time comes, I know it's not a choice between him and someone else, if it was there's no contest. I understand how one could feel guilty, that's normal, I feel the same thinking about it. However, I know logically that it's not the way it is, we didn't choose this, they didn't either. In a perfect world we'd transition together.
     
    ashish_bhan likes this.