Lost my dad to lung cancer

I’m married, have a home, have my siblings and in-laws that are wonderful. but each day goes by past July 23rd I feel lost. He passed away almost two months ago and I am just walking through each day without knowing how to move forward.

he’s been on and off sick most my life. He was a marine in the vietnam war where he was exposed to agent orange 3 different times. My mom had an affair and left him when I was 16. She kicked me out at 18 and I lived with him while attending school and becoming an adult. He was my best friend. He has a hip replacement and two separate lung cancer rounds. Chemo and radiation really did a number on his body both times.
He had been cancer free for 2 years, when all of a sudden he was low on oxygen and winded. His lungs started filling with fluid. They found out he had stage for lung cancer. Different than before. That was April. May we started making calls and getting him adjusted. My brother quit his job to take care of my dad full time. I was laid off because of Covid, so I drove 5 days a week an hour each way to help. He was put on hospice June 22 and passed away July 23 in Our family home. My brother, sister and my husband all around him. I can still see his face and feel every single one of those moments the last 5 hours of his life.
It’s usually when I’m going to sleep I replay that whole night. It was horrible. And painful. And it hurts.
When does it get better. when am I not afraid to be alone. When will I have to courage to visit his mother and look at her without crying.
This feeling is numbing.

 

I lost my dad in February to end stages of prostate cancer. And then my husband in July. It’s been a very hard and lonely time. You and your brother sound like you were devoted to him and his care. That will help get you through. Your dad knew you loved him because you cared for him. Feel good about that. I was with both my father and my husband when they passed. One peaceful, one not. I did not want them afraid and alone. As hard as it was to watch them cross over, I would not change it for the world. Your loss is very fresh and your emotions can take over without you knowing what’s coming. Can be scary. For me the mornings are the worst time. I have a grief counselor who says my focus is survival right now. To let my feelings come out in order to work through them. Eat, sleep, drink water and don’t isolate myself. You will be on your own timeline to grieve - you will know when you are strong enough to be able to visit those who bring up strong feelings and don’t rush yourself. Keep reaching out to others - you will learn who you can count on for support. There are a lot of people here who understand your loss and who want to help. I will pray for your peace.

 

I lost my dad in July to lung/esophageal cancer and I understand how you are feeling. I also drove 3 hrs each way to visit and care for my dad and was as present for him as I could be. I believe I was going through the motions and I knew he was going to die but was in denial too. Now that he is gone, I still cant believe he is really gone. I go over the past year over and over in my mind. He had a hard life like your dad and I feel got cheated. You have to take time out for yourself and let yourself feel the emotions. Its a process and our lives will never be the same. Its a new way of living a such a void. Praying for you.