5 Months today

Today marks 5 months since the worst day of my life. Sometimes I'm still in shock or just numb. I almost spend as much time angry as I do sad. It's only 5:22 pm and I'm going to bed so I can put an end to this day. That's all I can say about that.

 

Barry I’m so sorry! I know the monthly counts are so difficult. I understand your pain. Losing the most important person in our lives is just so hard. For me the 17th of each month is the worst day. Hope you’re resting and doing “ok”
Wishing a better day tomorrow.
Robin

 

Barry, time and loss sometimes I hate the idea of it, this month marks 5 years since I lost my wife. The most important thing is remembering, some things will stay with us forever, and time will never take them away from us.

Just remember even though it hurts, it is the thought that counts, for what is love without the pain that comes with it. I won't care if my mind stays sharp enough till the day I move from this Earth, if I can still remember Nadine. Peace be with you tonight on this occasion. Take care.

-david

 

Colleen died eight months ago tomorrow morning. I want to share the Vimeo link below. This is the complete recording we made of the Schubert with the musical score. I wanted to share my wife’s musicality with others.

 

Beautiful music!!!

 

I hope your day is ok tomorrow. The month markers are so hard. It will be 6 months on the 11th for me.

 

Barry,

Colleen played that piece so flawlessly. It must have been very nice to hear her play in person. I think the thing that amazed me about some musicians is how they captivate us all as they focus and begin to play. You know you are in the presence of one who brings joy to our hearts as you listen. That is why music of all types, not just classical is what now drives my soul in life. I can hold onto it in my mind, and I can replay it over and over.

-david

Here is another flute melody for you:

 

6 months today, on October 6th, I lost the love of my life. It’s difficult to understand why and how it happened so fast. I will probably never understand it cuz I sure don’t want to accept it. Just torture every day and sadness. I don’t think this emptiness will ever go away. Miss him so much and my heart is broken.

 

Good morning Cora. Hugs.

 

Morning, I won’t say good today. Thank u for the hug. I need a lot of them today to try and make it through in one piece. I pray that u have a good day.

 

Cora here is my hug to you as well in your time of great sorrow.

 

Thank u David. You are an inspiration to everyone on this site.

 

Barry

I know how bad that feels. Sleeping just to tune out the pain. The anniversaries one month, two months, three months

 

5 months for me, the 26th. Now where are we? May 7th? Somewhere towards 6 months. Silliness, this counting, but it happens, just like that, we see our life in numbers in the Before and After death, the old life, the new normal (which is far from normal), then the future, which still seems so surreal, unclear, blank, uncertain, etc etc (for me anyway)

I go to sleep early sometimes. Ending the day makes sense. Nights, evenings can feel harder than the morning for me. At first the days felt like an eternity after my husband died suddenly. Heart attack, at work, 25th years marriage, we met when I was 19. Those are my stats. Oh, wait, we have 2 kids, 16 and 21.

I just got back from a long walk. I said to myself, so this is it, eh? I must have exhaled, long sighs about 50 times. The day is beautiful here, the sun, spring day. I am tired of social distancing and isolation. I am thinking a lot about being alone, vs. loneliness.

I have people I can write to, text but no. I'm beginning to feel like a pain in the ass, like my dread is just desperate, and I don't like that feeling, feeling like, tired of my own story, even though my own story is changing and relatively new, it's still a sad story so, you know?

It took me all these months to go back to part time work, from home. It's been 3 weeks. It's boring. Before now, I had been working on my novel and painting, crying and shock, making dinner for the kids, navigating the day to day of "after death" I guess keeping busy, is like going to sleep early. I just now started being able to fall into a novel. That helps, with a glass of wine on the side. Moments, each moment. Some are energy sucking dead moments. Other moments, I call them, oh yea I'm still living moments. Every moment is a perspective and I'm always observing. That's what sucks about after death living, it's like suddenly we are observing ourselves and everything with open eyes, super scrutiny, nothing just goes normal

I realize I built my social life around my husband and family, and really, planning for our future. I have a few friends, but you know. Family, but you know. We begin to pick apart our decisions, our life style. the before and after, what's different, what's the same?

I have no desire to meet people, introduce myself, sighhhh, and at the same time I don't want to be alone, i crave another chance, hope. That's the crazy thing about being a widow, it's like-- really, I have to start again? or die alone.

Maybe this is a random reply to your posting, but there it is.

 

Hi KVR. I know what you mean about measuring life in terms of what was Before and what was After death. I'm coming up on 7 months After. I was being the smart lady who was doing things to accept death, get over grief, and build my new life. Then the pandemic hit and now all that feels like it is on pause. And I am lost ...if I'm forced to just stay home, alone, how do I process, how can you move forward. My social life was also entered on my husband. Like you say I have friends and family but they are tired of my story, i'm tired of my story. No point in calling people when I have nothing they want to hear. What a choice...start over or live alone for the rest of my life. There are a few things I like about living alone...simple things like not wondering if I'm waking someone if I flush at 2 am, leaving the laundry basket on the stairs knowing no-one is going to trip on it, stupid little things. But life is too busy for one ... I miss sharing the load, the fun, and everything else that life throws our way.

 

Hi Ainie,
Talking about forced pause, right? Ugh.

Sleepless in Seattle, remember? Our beautiful dear Tom Hanks packed up and took his small boy to Seattle. Nice. We all want to do that. Some say it's good to wait a year. Fuck that. Excuse the expression, it's just the right thing to say.

We had planned to move. We got an opportunity to move into a condo in the city for a year. My Mom thought it was ludicrous but I said YES. The week before the move and we're sitting in boxes, the management company pulled the plug and postponed all moves because of COVID. Until further notice. So we are still here, shut it, without that river flow, that what you talked about in your post--that feeling that in the very least you exercise your will to create a new life.

Why have we been forced to stay home and look at the same walls that carry our pain and suffering? Why be forced to sit in it? Maybe another twist of fate? Although we can hardly take it personal. It's hard in our situation not to take everything personal, like God and the Universe decided it was simply our time to journey into the long dark night.

My husband snored a lot. This has been something I do not miss. There are still nights that are difficult to sleep, but then it was really hard to sleep with the way my husband snored the last few years of his life. Ironic, the quiet. I like the quiet. They say men as they get older tend to snore. I'm 49. If I ever love and live with a man again, will it be a choice to accept snoring? To be fair, I sometimes snore. When I'm sick or if I've had too much wine., which is more and more rare as I get older.

We should all agree to talk about the range of things we appreciate about being a widow, about the things that irked us about our dear and beloveds. That would either be a terrible guilt trip or a fun release. My husband was a Spaniard. They laugh about everything, especially the things that make us stupidly human.

My husband was a pain in the ass on occasion. I don't miss those moments when I thought, Dear God, another one of those looks? I'll kill him. We idolize our mates in AFTER death. We miss them so much and we are so imperfect, so we focus on the Saint. And yet, they are gone and with them, so are those annoying dynamics that made us pissed. After 25 years of marriage, there are things, there are!

My husband was addicted to looking at expensive real estate on the internet every night. It was his dream to own a dreamy house. I'd be in the living room thinking, where is he? Oh, he's surfing the net, disconnecting, dreaming about a life he doesn't have. That's sad, now, but it was sad then too, like, there was something about that behavior that made me feel like, I don't know, like he was distancing himself even while living. My husband could be distant. I called him a monk on occasion.

My husband hated going to the doctor. For this, I say he killed himself. He had hypertension. We used to joke and I'd say, one day you'll just collapse and die and leave me here to pick up the pieces. He'd laugh and say, just make sure you ship my body back home to Spain quickly. That's what he did. He just died from a condition that could have been fixed. A very stubborn old school man.

 

Thank you KVR!! You made me laugh out lot this morning..."we focus on the Saint"...so true! My husband was absolutely great and I love/loved him more than anything in this world but he was very human. Got cranky with the kids when they made a lot of noise or mess. Was tight with money which I both loved and hated...I am in a good position financially because of it but oh how I would have liked to eat out or go to a show more than we did. Mine spent a lot of time on the internet in the last few years too. But after his last cancer surgery he had to relearn how to talk so I do feel guilty when I complain about how he lived on the internet. He could communicate easier by typing.

The long dark night I guess will give us time to think through where we go from here. Make our choices of what our life will be like in the future.

 

KVR and Ainie,

Interesting exchange. Snoring is a problem. So is blanket hoarding Late night TV viewing. Night owls versus morning birds. There were solutions to these like separate bedrooms or TV with headphones in a separate room. Both men and women with age actually have a medical condition with sleep. Many are on CPAP machines and now that is a recognized condition.

Solitude from so much companionship is a challenge. Do we now divide one relationship into twenty? Not so much 20 romantic ones as friends that bring different qualities. Some friends are great collaborative problem solvers. Some hold our secrets discreetly. Some are a joy to see a movie with and talk endlessly. Judy Collins wrote her biography. She went through the mill on relationships. Finally a man equally as busy and career dedication as she. They talked a lot on the phone and planned time for exclusive together time. A ratio of intimacy and autonomy that worked for them. Certainly in the early years was the division of labor. Bring new life into the world and work on financial security that takes a good while to do.

Marriages both we loved certain qualities but some compromises or habits a bridge too far. I used math for that. If 80% is wonderful and fulfilling that is a great number. The 20% is graded from irritation about one percent but there were toward the end those few differences that tolerance was stretched a good deal. Those were money and lifestyle preferences. The University of Washington did a study to predict a young couple's probabilities. Basically placed in a room with art supplies. The idea was the couple that had fun with it and worked collaborated well might fair better than confrontational.

KVR like you was a medical condition and a failure to face it that was the undoing. Personally, a new 24/7 is a long way off. There is the all over the map uncoupling and all the withdrawal symptoms that go with that. Just pure shock and upheaval. Then the infilling and building a new life. That will take a while. I will always compliment her and adore her but to be honest, is the new freedom to not have to compromise and make independent decisions. Kay and I even talked about the adjoining townhomes. We were very different but really just loved each others company. Stubborn is a word that did come up more than it should.

 

Paul: I like the thought of divided relationships going forward. Like you mentioned people are good at different aspects of life and in the way they relate. Grandchildren provide lots of hugs (when this isolation is over), one daughter is very practical and helpful in decision making, another is very soft and warm when I want to whine, my son provides laughter and infrequent but a "there when I need it" strength, a nearby son-in-law changes my tires, and on it goes.

I have no idea if I would ever marry again but the fact that Mike and I had a good marriage (hitting about your 80/20 mark) makes me think I would at some point in the future. Having a help-mate and having someone that you REALLY matter to is nice. But that is a decision that is very far off and may never come about. Mike and I talked about this before he died and he made me promise to live my life fully After. Time will tell. For now I will cry in loss and sadness on the bad days, be angry as I clean up his hoarder's mess, and try to find the small pleasures on the good days.

 

Happy Mother's Day Ainie. My husband always took care of me on Mother's Day. He'd organize it with the kids. And he also helped me me manage seeing my mother, and find balance between giving and receiving. In addition, both our kids were born in May, mid month and end of month May babies. So May has always been a heavy month. I was never good at celebrations, you know, the traditional sort of way. For 25 years, my husband was that person to help me navigate the family. Last night my emotions already started, and this morning the same. Last night I told my daughter and she said, tomorrow is Mother's Day? My son had no idea. My daughter has been online studying for school and upcoming AP exams. My son is heading into Senior year finals week. Each in their rooms, plugged into another world. This morning my son woke up early to make me breakfast. Too early, I said, he shrugged and went back to bed. He's a night owl, works at night and wakes up at 2pm. This morning he came out wobbling at 8am. He's going to be 22. He's a good kid. I am sad and alone and blessed at the same time. Today I will find a moment to be with my mother who lives alone. I will do my best.