Abc,
You are a doctor, one who has seen so much in your career as one, but, when your heart was broken it is not something you can fix so easily. Sure this grief you are living with is smothering. How can a person not miss the one they loved so much in life.
Right now your focus is more on what you lost, not on what you had in life with Steve. Those special memories you shared with him will be with you forever, you can always think back upon them. No one will ever be able to take them away from you.
It is not going to be easy, nor is it going to be quick. All you need to do Abc, is read through the posts in the various forums and see all the broken hearted people who are crying out in so much pain just like you. While their loss may not be the same type as yours, it still dynamically affects them strongly as it does you.
Life is not a matter of who is deserving of what, it is more of life is what we as a person make of it. You think so little of yourself right now, but frankly, you have helped so many people as one who heals. In terms of worth, a human life saved is so profoundly amazing, words pale in how to put such a value on it. Abc, you as a doctor have given hope to others during their worst times of their lives.
Even though I told my personal story of Nadine’s last ten years, the one thing that it doesn't reflect is how affected each nurse and doctor who treated Nadine felt. I know we cried, but so did they, not always to our face, but you can tell as you peer into their eyes and see their fears, their sorrow, no less than I or anyone else would feel. I was grateful for all they tried and shared with us, and I know even though it took a toll on my sons and me, it also took a toll on them as well.
So I understand your dread, your fears, your sorrow, they are real, they are what hold each of us back when grief walks into our lives. If I were to be asked who I would save first if only so few of us could be saved, it would be healers like you first and foremost. You devalue your worth too much.
I want you to view this hero, he was a combat medic in world war two who refused to carry a gun into war. At first everyone of his company of men scorned him and hated him and even beat him up. But he saved 75 soldiers all by himself, why, because he believed in himself, as you have in the past.
Here is the video:
For his actions that followed he was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor, as a conscientious objector. He is a true hero, and so are all those who help and heal others no matter whether war or not. I suppose you can say sometimes in life, we all might face a war of sorts with our life, this is where you and others come in. Believe me Abc, you are so worth who you have become as a person.
When you say you are not strong, I laugh, being able to see a person at their most vulnerable time in life, perhaps bleeding, perhaps not, it takes a special type of will to be able to stay the course and help heal them. Abc, that is a gift, it is not something you learn in school, it is about who you are as a person, nothing less, nothing more.
You also are no less shattered than anyone else when they lose someone. It just takes time to heal your heart, your mind, your soul, and your will. So for now, keep talking, keep posting, and keep letting those emotions lessen over time. My medical book (my own) of life says it will take time. It will take heart, and you have proved over and over in life you have such an abundance of it.
I do hope you make sure to rest, and just realize your road of grief will be a long broken road.
Peace be with you tonight and in your heart.
-david
Here is the song I play for you today:
I like this song more than Shallow-
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