When does it get better

Chad,

All those memories... all once so happy, now so over the top bittersweet... I'm so sorry that your 9th wedding anniversary had to fall on the 3rd month anniversary of Lizzy's death. I think, although so sad, that it wasn't a coincidence that it fell on the same date as the birthday party of a boy Lizzie used to take care of. This reminds me of that circle of life... My best friend's first grandson was born exactly one day short of one month prior to Bob's passing. The day Bob died, I thought about this, about how when one life ends, another is just beginning. It made those floodgates open, no way to stop that sudden rush of tears that seemed to keep on going and going and going... As I reached for tissues, I thought of how total heartbreak and sheer joy are so connected to each other... That old song by Joni Mitchell, "The Circle Game," popped into my head. I hadn't thought about this song in ages... As the chorus kept repeating itself inside my head, the tears kept flowing and flowing and flowing... I know none of what I just said can make you feel any better, it doesn't make me feel any better either. Just thought I would share...

Backing up a bit, I love!!! the way you chose to honor Lizzy by listening to your song, and looking at old pictures. It'll be 10 months since Bob died on the 11th. I still can't look at old pictures, or listen to music. However just very recently, I've found that I can look at a few pictures that are on my phone and smile, but the smiles are mixed with way more tears than smiles. Music... All I can say is that living in a world without music SUCKS!!! BIG TIME!!!, TU!!! The only music I listen to are the songs that invade my brain without my consent. I wish I could find that "off switch" for my brain. It sucks!!!

I agree with what Robin said. I believe Lizzy was there with you when you picked out a present for him. I'm sure it made her very proud and happy, knowing how hard you are trying to keep on going, to live life the best you possibly can, without her, here beside you. I also agree with Bernadine. It is over the top challenging to determine what size clothing to buy for children. In this world, there is no such thing as uniform sizing. It sucks!!!

You've only been dealing with this total heartbreak for three months. It seems like you've been here much longer. Please continue to be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself the very best you possibly can.

I hope that you have at least one reason to LMSO, but hoping for more, today...

As always, sending you and Fergie hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb
I have to say it felt daunting when we first started tackling Rons driveway. And at first my daughter was working on it by herself. But we figured a way I could help her and not injure my pulled muscle more. We did have a guy stop and ask if we wanted help. He’d help us for $100. Well we were half done by then plus I don’t have cash on hand. I’m hoping some of this melts before the next storm. This isn’t normal. We never have this many storms. Definitely not this much snow. It feels like the whole country is having a terrible winter. Like we’re be tested or something. And on top of this brutally cold storm my furnace started acting up. Wasnt starting clean and I had the scent of fuel every once in a while. I think the guy I used last time is super busy with this weather. He didn’t even answer the message I left. But icy brother is good friends with him snd he reached out. To him for me. Long story short, he came this morning and it’s repaired. Needed a new damper. $190 later I’m fixed snd my furnace sounds so good now.
Deb, reading about your crown and all you’ve been through gave me stress just imagining all that. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this so long and then the insurance nightmare of figuring out what they accept. I can’t believe he cut into your gum and then said the pain will go away. All the while you’re caring for Bob and ignoring your pain. You’re pushing through though. Attacking it all like a champ. Bob must be giving you the strength. I’m praying this all works out for you. And tomorrow’s appointment brings some closure or some helpful information.
Take care and try to think positive. Robin

 

Rick,

You have been dealing with this total heartbreak for such a short amount of time... I'm so sorry your sister isn't being at all supportive. It SUCKS!!! You're right,there isn't any way anyone can possibly understand what this amount of pain feels like, unless they've experienced it firsthand. Prior to Bob's death, I didn't "get" it either. Although I tried to be supportive whenever I had to attend a wake/funeral, I couldn't possibly be supportive in the way people needed me to be. When I think back about all the condolence cards I wrote, I wish I could rip them up, rewrite each and every one of them. I poured my heart out in all of them, but fell short of understanding that the pain these people experienced, wasn't going to "magically" disappear in time. I fell short of understanding how truly horrible those feelings of loneliness are, that are so much a part of grief. However, I NEVER!!! would have asked anyone how much longer they were going to be so sad. What a totally ridiculous thing to say!!!, TU!!! Even when Bob seemed healthy (I guess ignorance can be good at times), and all seemed right in my world, I wasn't this ignorant. I'm glad that you are strong enough to kick toxic people out of your life.

Maybe someday you will be able to have a relationship with your sister again. Maybe in time, she will realize what an insensitive thing she said to you. However, if this doesn't happen, at some point I hope you can forgive her, so you can move on. Forgiveness is for you, not for her. Even if you never talk to her again, I think at some point, you will need to be able to forgive her for her ignorance and lack of support, or else it will be difficult for you to find peace. This is just my two cents. Take it or leave it. I want to share it with you because if I didn't, I wouldn't be a "friend."

Sadly, I agree with you. Life is always going to be so bittersweet for all of us. I know that Sheila would want you to move forward, to do whatever you have to do to make the very best possible life for yourself, until you're reunited with her. I know this is what Bob would want for me. Please be very gentle with yourself. Ten weeks is barely enough time to process all of this total heartbreak. As Gary might say, keep on keeping. It's all any of us can do. I'm glad that you're sticking with us, that this site helps you a little bit. I'm also glad you want to attend a bereavement support group. I hope when you're able to attend one, you make at least one friend going through similar circumstances, who you want to get together with outside of the meetings. The connections in life, the relationships we have with others is really all that truly matters.

Stopping here. I'm missing Bob and am not looking forward to an unplanned dental appointment tomorrow. It's a nice day in my little corner of the world, so I'm going to take a walk. Getting some fresh air and sunshine, being outside in nature, works the best for me.

I hope you have at least one reason to LMSO today

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

Just a very quick response. I need to take a walk. I'm missing Bob so much today, plus I'm not looking forward to my dental appointment tomorrow. Thank you for saying that Bob must be giving me strength. I agree with you. I know he's watching over me, and it's because of his voice inside my head, that I got through yesterday morning. I believe that Bob had something to do with that cancellation. My friend told me that it's almost impossible to get an appointment with this dentist, she is booked solid, and emergencies go to existing patients first. In the scheme of things, a lose crown isn't an emergency, so without this cancellation, and because I'm not one of her patients (yet), I could have been waiting a very long time for an appointment.

I'm so sorry to hear about your furnace. You've had way too many problems with it since Ron's passing. I'm glad that "icy" brother stepped in to help, and that your furnace is working again. I'm also glad that it was only a $190 to fix. Backing up a bit, I HATE!!! when someone offers to help, but has the nerve to charge $100 to clear your driveway, especially as it was already halfway done. I'm glad you and your daughter found a way you could help without hurting your pulled muscle more.

I'm so sorry Mother Nature is being such a pita to so much of our country!!!, TU!!! It SUCKS!!! I know I'm very fortunate not to be stuck in the middle of one of the absolute worst winters... I hope you get some much warmer weather and this snow begins to melt ASAP!!!

Hope you and Teddy have everything you need to stay inside, stay safe, stay warm...

As always, sending you and Teddy lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Not much better in Texas. I hope warm weather helps us both. I have what I call a meltdown every day, but they seem to be a tiny bit less harsh on me. I just can't figure out what is coming next in my life, but I don't see anything good, or happy. Looking to get a dog, but not ready to make the plunge yet. I hope something happens good for us both this year. Hang on, and I'll try to also. Rick

 

Deb, thank you for your post. I felt like I was in a grief support meeting. It brought tears to my eyes reading your reply. I can't really fault others too much in their "support" words because I never knew what to do or say to others in the past. That's why I get some comfort on these words from all on this site. I tell Sheila everyday, " 1 day closer to being with you again". I just don't see anything in front of me. Trying for my daughter's sake, no grief classes until covid slows down is what I was told. Looking for somewhere else that has one going on. I agree with the "make the very best possible life for yourself, until you're reunited with her." I just don't know what to do, really don't want to do anything. I'll talk to my sister if she calls, but don't see that happening anytime soon. I'm just so clueless on what I'm supposed to do, 1st time in my life I have been alone, so it's not only incredibly sad, it's miserable. Each day is long and each night I fix a drink to help me relax or something. Thank you Deb, and all others that understand what I am going through. Rick

 

I too am alone for the first time ever. It is not a good place. I only have my son and his GF and it's not the same as the other years. Feel so cut off and isolated and "on my own..". Sounds so trite. Don't know what to say. It just is...

 

George, I feel bad that you're " so cut off
& alone". I just went through a scary,
dangerous time at the ER. The doctor was
concerned about my emotional & mental
health, as well as my physical health. The
first thing I said to him was that my wife
died 3 years ago, & she always came with
me for doctor appointments. He said,
" I'm sorry". I needed to tell him that.
As I've said on GIC, a VNA nurse and a
PT come to my apartment to check on my
well being. They know that, in addition
to my physical limitations and crappy
weather, that it's important that I keep
moving, and they've given me simple
exercises I can do indoors. They also
know that, like you, I feel isolated &
cut off. I told them I'm frustrated bc
walking outside gives me variety and
exercise.I feel needy, & look forward to
their visits, bc I've been a shut-in. I know
that you & I will feel better when we
can walk outside again. When you first
moved ,George, you said you enjoyed
walking where you live. Have you been
able to do that lately? Lou

 

Hey Lou! I am pretty active but this winter has been so severe I really can't do the walking like I wanted to.
It is massively snowing again! I will have to go out and clear the snow off my loane4r care.
Couldn't drive the GF to work it is so bad out there today. I know we have had much worse and at least I don't have to shovel the driveway anymore. I try to look at the good parts. It is just so hard. I can't imagine you and your medical issues in this horrid winter.
Last year Valerie was dying and all. So this has got to be better...???!!!
I crave oranges so much but I can't eat them cuz of the potassium.
I really don't want anything I CAN in fact have,

Thanks for listening to my whine and complain fest!

 

George, I NEVER think of you as a whiner & complainer. Deb, Patti. & other GW,
including myself, think you're the
strongest person on GIC. You have a great
sense of humor, and unique style. You
are also honest, that Valerie was not
always the easiest person to live with,
but you never stopped loving each other.
After talking with a grief counselor, I feel
the same about Linda. I can"t imagine
what dialysis is like, but, by your
description, it SUCKS BIG TIME!!!to use
one of Deb's phrases. The fact that you
had to get a loaner car & drive in this
horrid weather, makes it much worse. You
did say that the staff at dialysis are kind
people, and I bet they like you, as a
patient. Lou

 

The Dialysis techs seem to like me and that's good. Glad I don't complain too much. Valerie always thought I was acting like a big baby anytime I complained or got mad. Good to get some perspective. It is hard when one feels so isolated emotionally. the Deb sure did peg it with her catch phrase indeed! see ya!

 

Of all TGW I play the Lone Ranger role the best. Because I ain’t got nobody. Isn’t winter and isolation fun? I saw the blizzard coming and ice fished obsessively and compulsively 4 consecutive days. Now I am completely exhausted and need to veg out with Deb’s bereavement blanket and a cup if herbal tea. Deb I’ve watched you morph from a cheerleader into a group facilitator. I was so grateful to read your compassionate posts to everyone. It doesn’t sound like your dentist would be qualified to work on animals. I hope you get great service forward. Robin I feel like a wimp knowing all you and your daughter have gone through this winter. Until now I’ve had less than 7” of snow. I have a flat head shovel for snow removal when it is heavy. The scoops are one third of the snow shovel. Chad you have great courage to look at photos and listen to music on you and Lizzy’s anniversary. I’m not there yet. My recent grief relapse came from writing Cheryl letters three days in a row. I have taken a break. Making Cheryl seem more real was great but it was followed by a let down. I listened to EMTs try to save a 14 boy who hung him self right after that. I took a break from the scanner too. People ask me why I listen to it? I tell them of all the hundreds of voices there 11 voices are who heroically tried to save my beloved Cheerful Cheryl. I fished the sacred place yesterday where Cheryl and I have many beautiful memories. seeing this site from a distance on the lake almost felt like heaven a few moments. Zuba writes “so we dance between two worlds”. We dance between the reality of their death and the certainty of being with their non physical presence the remainder of our lives. Gary

 

George, I’ve never lived alone either. It’s hard. So glad my daughter moved in with me for those 6 or 7 months at the beginning. I have Ted. He’s a godsend. But I’m still so alone. Going through a rough time too right now. Crying as I write. Feel like a hermit lately. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in your feelings. Robin

 

Gary, thank you but you’re certainly no wimp. I’m seriously not in a good place today. But wanted to thank you. More crappy weather coming on Friday. I don’t want it. I know the type of shovel you mention. I should try to lift one see how it feels. I don’t think Ron had one of those. I do have an electric shovel. I think that’s what it’s called. It’s a tiny snow blower it’s helpful but the cord gets really stiff.similar to this


https://www.amazon.com/Earthwise-SN...45&sprefix=electric+snow+shovel,aps,79&sr=8-4
I now see they have cordless ones. Hmm. Hope the link works.
I’m off for a while I think. Robin

 

George, today is Groundhog Day. Did you
ever see the movie, with Bill Murray, as
the cynical weatherman? He found
himself in a time warp, while people in a
small town were celebrating. Every day
was like the one before. I'm trying not to
feel that way. Lou

 

Gary, your praise of Deb as a group
facilitator, could apply to you, too.
Your willingness to participate in a
grief group, talk with a counselor, and
read books like Zuba's, tells me you
don't want every day to be the same,
like in the movie, Groundhog Day. I
am trying to take each day, one at a time.
I
refuse to give in to the superstition of
today, that the groundhog predicted 6
more weeks of winter. Lou

 

Hi Gary, my heart feels all you and other folks are going through.
I thought moving east to be nearby our daughter would be right thing
to do, but she has been so busy in their own lives, it’s been three weeks
since seeing her. Then, it is only for short visits, and not very often.
I am wanting to do a flight for JayCee and myself to visit in Arizona
with Jack’s brother, his wife and family. They would love for me to
move there. I still am giving it some thought, and praying about it.
I keep trying it to recall all our wonderful memories together before Jack
got PD, for years after he passed they were blocked from my mind, I
didn’t know who I was, feeling Ike I was in a horrible maize and constantly
trying to get free from it.I try to keep myself busy, eating out , long walks
helps e, being blessed with JayCee was the best thing to happen for me,
then finding GIC and being with others here that understand the love
and compassion for one another' through this journey. I know God
has a purpose for each of our lives HE is with us through all things.
I am not good at typing words to express myself ,but feel
blessed that I believe you and all others understand what is
said from my heart.Sending big hug to you, and everyone.
Keeping us all in prayer daily, Blessings, Patti

 

Patti, you express yourself very well indeed. I also feel like everyone on GW's posts. Never been alone and the nights are driving me crazy. I go around talking to my cat, then to Jack, then to myself. My moods change from day to day and I don't understand them. I don't understand how I can feel thoughts that are not me. I guess it's Mr. Grief. I too wait for the day I can be with my Jack. On his deathbed I told him to wait for me and he smiled. He couldn't say where he wanted his ashes spread, so I said how about I bring you home with me until I pass and the kids can bury us under a tree in the woods. He smiled again. He wasn't able to talk at that point.
You know I dreaded death, it scared me. Now I don't have any fear or sadness about it, in fact I'm looking forward to it knowing I will be with Jack. Sounds awful, but that's the way I feel.
Here I go rambling. Reading everyone's post just got me thinking how we all relate the same on our journey, walking the long trail hoping God will reveal a future or a purpose for us. Always, blessings and hope, Karen

 

Patti, so good to see you on here today.
This has been a particularly harsh
winter, after the constant gloom & doom
over COVID. Arizona in winter sounds
better than winter in Indiana ( Gary),
Illinois (George), and myself, on the
freezing coast of northern Massachusetts.
You are not particularly happy where you
live now. The fact that Jack's brother, wife
& family would love it if you moved out
there, is a big plus. In Arizona, during the
summer, the heat can be intense which is
why you will need air conditioning. I know a couple who live in a Florida condo
during the winter, and I"m envious of that.
Lou

 

Thanks Robin... I know I have my son and his GF and they are technically adults... but, it is hard not having a peer to run things by. Lots of snow today and I am so glad there is no driveway to shovel! Take care!