When does it get better

Patti,

I find myself "talking" to Bob too... , always when I have to make important decisions. I pray to God to give me strength, and at the same time, I talk to Bob asking him what he thinks my best course of action is. Even when I don't have important decisions to make, I talk to Bob daily. I tell him every single day how much I miss him..., how much I love him... I tell him I know someday, we will be reunited again...

I know I'm always going to miss Bob with all my heart, but like you, spiritually I feel he is close to me. I know he is watching over me, the same way Jack is watching over you. This is so bittersweet... comforting and yet so painful, all at once. It SUCKS!!!

I agree with you. There is no way I could have said this as well as you just did. Love is the greatest gift of all. The only thing that really matters in life are the connections we make, the relationships we have with others. All the rest is just icing on the cake.

I don't believe in coincidences. I believe all of us were meant to meet, that God gave us each other to help us through the darkest days of our lives. I'm very grateful for being a part of "this family" too, as we continue our ongoing battle with Mr. Grief.

As always, sending you and JayCee lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

I miss you too. I hope you're okay, and are enjoying your family's visit, the best you possibly can.

As always, sending you and Rambo lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you, Gary. I didn't get to some of
the Wed posts, until today, Sun. I do enjoy
bringing people together. I liked it
when I could welcome Chad, as our
youngest brother. I'm amazed when GW return here after months of absence.,
like Amber Grace & Tom(tgotyall). It was
good to see Amber helping a potential
new member, KarenLee. I told Tom that
I hope he stays on GIC, & joins our
brotherhood. You have become an
empathetic greeter to new members, &
an essential unifier & leader of TGW
already here. If I'm The Godfather, you
are the consigliere, played in the movie,
by an understated Robert Duvall. Lou

 

Chad,

I "get" it. I'm very glad you have family who tries to be as supportive as possible, but I understand how even with their support and love, you still feel so alone..., so lonely... I feel the same way. It SUCKS!!! All we can do is make it through each and every day the best possible way we know how. On the days when Mr. Grief has has us stuck at the bottom of this way beyond twisted roller coaster ride of emotions, we need to let those tears flow, be very gentle with ourselves, and not feel guilty if we can't seem to get off the couch, accomplish anything at all. Even though we might not feel like we're accomplishing anything, we are doing all the hard work that's been forced upon us. We are grieving, and it is only through actively grieving, letting our emotions freely flow, that we will be able to continue healing. I'm in the process of reading Tom Zuba's second book, "Becoming Radiant, A New Way to do life." Zuba writes that we will always be healing, that we will never fully heal. It is something he said he can live with. I agree with him. I don't believe that there is ever a way to fully heal from losing the one true love of our lives, so we must learn to live the rest of lives, knowing that healing is a process, will always be a process, with no ending. It SUCKS!!!

You are not a "jerk!!!," and I wish you didn't feel this way. Society doesn't allow us to fully grieve. We are told in so many ways that we need to wrap up the grieving process ASAP, and get on with life. Zuba also talks about this in his second book, how we are allowed so few bereavement days to grieve, and then we're expected to return to work, carry on as though our hearts haven't been torn in half. This SUCKS!!! It is ridiculous...!!!

This reminds me of a really good Center For Loss Quote which takes a well known Dr. Suess saying that perpetuates the myth that we should be able to wrap grief up in a nice neat package, toss it, forget about it, and rewrites it the way it really is. Per Dr. Suess, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Total BULLSHIT!!! Here is the version, according to the Center For Loss that we should replace this saying with every time we hear it, "Cry because it's over AND smile because it happened."

I hope today has been a better day for you, that you've had at least one reason to LMSO...

Sending you lots of extra hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary, thank you for asking about me on
Friday. I'm catching up on the posts ,
on the different threads,today, Sunday.
Today was the first time I felt good
physically, since Christmas night when
I came down with Omicron. I had
different trips to the ER, for various
medical emergencies, & prayed I'd get
through them, and live to see the
Spring & Summer, after a long, dark &
cold winter. God answered my prayers, &
it was wonderful to walk outside, in the
cold,but sunny day. I am so sorry about
your friend, Derrel's death. As Jonathan
emailed me, when I told him Linda died
shockingly, & suddenly in front of me.
he knew only too well that shock of
grief,when Joy died in front of him. I am
glad you can be a comfort to Val, and
help her in her grief journey. You can
vent to TGW about this, anytime you feel
like it. Lou

 

Lou thank you for the LMSO(laugh my sad off)about me being counsel and adviser to The Godfather. I can always feel the enthusiasm in your voice when I read your posts. I am so glad you got outside today in the cold sunshine. I sat outside yesterday and today watching the birds at the feeder. It was windy today and when the snow fell off the pine boughs they looked like an apparition floating through the air. I thought of Cheryl several times. And imagined Cheryl walking towards me as a puff of snow went by. They are right here right now. Deb thanks for consoling me about Derrel. Derrel was my go to guy in my most difficult moments. Deb thank you so much about all the kind things you said about me too. I’m sorry about the loss of your previous boy friend too. Patti is recognized as our spiritual leader. Patti is very humble and deeply concerned about everyone. Patti is the first one to respond to a GW in need with love and compassion. The book Invisible Ink defines grief as love with no where to go. We are all sending our love to each other by being there supporting one another. Some times we just don’t have the power to do it. But someone always steps up to extend their love to help another warrior out of the pit of despair. Our love has some where to go. Deb you’ve sold me on Zuba’s new book. B I had a similar experience with The Clan of the Cave Bear. My niece Laura gave it to me on my birthday with much enthusiasm. I read 50 pages and it sat on my dresser 2 years. When I picked it up the second time it became an obsession. I read every book in rapid succession. One of the most empowering fiction book ever. Gary

 

Gary, I knew you'd get a kick out of The
Godfather reference. I like to make
people on GIC,smile, or even laugh. I
often quote Deb's unique phrases. I'm
happy when Karen replies to one of my
posts, in her one liners, telling me I
made her laugh. But, you have a gift of
poetry, in your description of the
wildlife around you, which makes you
unique, on GIC. Lou

 

Yes I know. The days are so hard, and depressing. I hope and pray for us both for some better days ahead. I too miss my love, I miss her presence. Everyday I just want to talk to her so bad, ask her some simple questions, be with her for a while. I truly believe someday we will be with them once again. I was on youtube and was watching Pat Boone talk about losing his wife of 65 years. He said that her address changed and we would be together once again, it helps a little. Hope you can find some small things that make's your grief a little bit easier to take as life goes on. Rick

 

George,

I wanted to get a chance to "talk" to you, it seems like it's been awhile. I've been MIA, then when I dropped by today, as I was "talking" to Patti, Gary, Chad, and Karen, I noticed my chrome book kept getting a little bit slower, until it happened!!!, that super slo mo mode struck again, just as I was going to try to catch up on your messages. I turned my chrome book off for the night, and then decided I would give it one more try, before going back into MIA mode for the rest of the evening. However, my chrome book still needs a hit of caffeine, so I'm going to keep this short.

Thanks for saying that you don't think I'm too wordy. Bob would have a very quick response to this!!!, TU!!! Thinking about what he might say is making me smile...., it's a bittersweet smile, but I'll take it. I think you have a gift for being able to say so much, in a few compact sentences. I'm definitely NOT!!! blessed with this gift, lol... My mind always seems to get ahead of me, and once I get going..., well, you know the rest!!! The Energizer Bunny doesn't stand a chance around me...

I don't think I'm fully caught up on what you've posted since I've been MIA, but I notice in some of your messages, there seems to be a common theme, centered around loving Valerie for who she was, loving her with all your heart, in spite of her flaws. I think it's super important that we are able to take our loved ones off of the pedestal and "see" them clearly for who they were, even though we loved them, and still love them, with all our hearts. There's so much I want to say to you, but my chrome book needs a more than a major injection of caffeine, so will have to stop here.

Just in case I forget the rest of what I want to say to you (this foggy widow brain SUCKS!!!, TU!!!), I know how much it SUCKS that there were things left unsaid between you and Valerie. There were many things left unsaid between the two of us too. Just as it was for you and Valerie, even though Bob had been sick for so long, when the end came, although I knew deep inside that it was almost here, when it did arrive, everything just seemed to happen way too quickly, making it impossible to have one last heart to heart conversation.

I know thinking about the past, all those should have's..., could have's..., would have's..., are so NOT productive!!!, TU!!! I think the only thing that really matters is that both Valerie and Bob knew how how much we loved them..., we will always love them..., no matter where this strange, almost surreal journey (for lack of a better word), leads us.

I hope tomorrow you have a good day, and are able to do at least one thing that brings you a sense of calm..., makes you feel good... that you have at least one reason to LMSO...

As always, sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Dog gone it, I couldn't find a typo, I'm sad.

 

Well ok, I’ll add the book to my reading list. ~B

 

Karen, woke up past midnight & saw your
message. Sorry you were sad, but you
made me smile. I think of you as the
Queen of the one liners, which are a
big step above "LIKE". Lou

 

Deb, woke up in middle of night ( do you
see a pattern here?), and read your
moving teply to George, which could
apply to all GW. George & I are similar,
bc Valerie's & Linda's interactions with
people, could be antagonistic, & a problem
for us. They did know how much we
loved them. It took grief counseling for
me to get rid of the guilt: " why wasn't I
more affectionate when Linda was in her
room in the rehab. unit ?". The fact is that





I was doing everything to make her
more comfortable: hydrating with water,
&ginger ale for her stomach, occasional
ice cream treats. Linda didn't like the
food there ( the food in the hospital
cafeteria was much better, bc it was sold
to everyone). The older residents in the
unit, had pizzas & Chinese food delivered
to their rooms. I sat with Linda, watching
TV, while eating. I tried to bring
some normalcy into our lives, in spite
of the interruptions by nurses and PTs.
Like you, & I hope, George, I seek calm
when I'm alone, but also enjoy the
company of others. Since Christmas, my
company has been visiting nurses & PTs.
They check on my well being, care about
me, and are trying to prevent me from
having me return to the ER. Thank you
for comforting George. Your words to him,
also comfort me. Lou

 

Hey there The Deb!
Thanks for your wordy words of wordiness! LoL!
I think that's the part of healing... Hating Valerie for leaving me in this "mess" and being mad at her for dying at the same time It is healing. After a year of being by myself I can really see more clearly our 34 years together. Our lives, our Love, our constant dramas.... I realize life does not need to be a constant drama. She never got this. Every bad or life thing was a big crazy drama to her. It is easier not to have drama when two neurotic worriers arre feeding off of each others insecurities. I get this now. I am mad because TB got stuck in the middle of this. He was just a sensitive kid who got his head freaked with because Valerie's parents were horrible! The guilt comes in when I think irrationally that I should have done better for both of them! There is that stupid "should" word again! Should and What If need to be banned from daily discourse!
Lottasa Love The Deb and all the other TGWs!

 

A smile at midnight, I'll bet Linda saw it. There is no darkness or time where she is.

 

Karen, what a beautiful, moving thing to
say about Linda. You are so eloquent in
one or two lines about the timeless
spirits of our soulmates, that you could
write for Center for Loss. Lou

 

George, you're going through one of the
toughest parts of mourning, by not
looking at your marriage with rose
colored glasses. It took me many sessions
with a grief counselor, to realize that
Linda had a tougher childhood than I
did. Her parents didn't show uncondional
love for her.My parents became worse
later & didn't share in our happiness. We
didn't want them at our wedding, &
decided to "elope", in our 40s. to Las
Vegas, to get married in a simple
chapel. It is a sweet memory. Lou

 

My mother wasn't great but at least she tried, after my father died.
Valerie's mother was passive aggressively manipulative and her father crazy and mean and angry.
I just wish I could have helped her more.

 

Valerie had an unhappy childhood, like
Linda did. Her younger brother died at 10,
of a rare illness when Linda was only 12.
Her mother took out her anger on poor
Linda, who was now an only child. She
told me she felt cursed. When she got
sick, she said the only thing keeping her
going was our love for each other.Like you
& Valerie, we didn't have another couple
as friends. You & I did the best we could,
George. It wasn't our fault. All of their
stress happened BEFORE we came, and
we couldn't fix it. I wish Linda had seen a
therapist, but she didn't want to. I seem to
recall that Valerie didn't either. Lou

 

I just harvested the last of Kenn’s brussels sprouts. Decided to pull the plants and make room for the blueberry pots.
I’ve been babying them along all winter because they were his novelty plant, what he wanted me to grow for him.
…. I knew when they went in it was risky for such a long season crop. He didn’t live long enough to taste them. Now they are done….