When does it get better

I know of the movie but never saw it sure feels like I'm living that at times. Always at Dialysis it seems!

 

We are sure getting the snow! All night and still through the day! Haven't even gone out. Stepped outside when I got the mail and it was so cold and windy too. Have to clear off the loaner car. Feel guilty not taking the GF to and fro work but if I don't have to drive in this I won't roads are pretty messed up from what I hear. No dialysis today or driveway to clear. Glad I don't have winter house worries! Take care bro!

 

Believe me I know it’s so different. Our children help but not the same. I’m glad you don’t have to shovel too. I’m praying what I’m gettin on Friday doesn’t dump any more snow.

 

George the police scanner is describing travel as a madhouse today. Wrecks everywhere. People stranded outside. Roads shut down to clear crash sites. Vehicles can’t make it up inclines. No slide offs will be removed till the blizzard is over. Lou I imagined your metaphor of the Groundhogs day movie as being on the ropes while Mr Grief delivers one body blow after the other. Make it stop! The horror. I perceive you as The Godfather of TGW because you intimately know everyone and know how to connect. Robin sending you a virtual bear hug. You are our long term grief warrior. You have survived the yin and Yang of grief many times. Patti you sent a strong message of love to all of us. We feel the sincerity empathy and kindness in your words. I lived in Phoenix one month in July and it was hot. I’m sure when the message comes to you it will be clear cut on what to do. Karen I’ve felt those feelings too. You are not alone. Sometimes the only thing that works for me is to try and help someone else. That distracts my mind for the moment. I’m a very complex and sensitive person. That’s why I’m getting all the help I can. The only assignment my healer gave me was to locate where grief is causing physical pain. TGW are all in! United! Gary

 

No it is not a good place, but when your life is suddenly "just you", it isn't close to being the same. It was always us, we were there for each other for everything. Now I just don't know. I wish I could figure out some direction I might take. Maybe something unexpected will happen on it's own for both of us. Wishing you the best. Rick

 

That must have been so hard. I didn't get to say goodbye to Sheila and I wish I had but I don't know if we could have said goodbye to each other. When my therapist told me I would probably be dead in a year I was so calm and told her OK. She looked at me funny. But I tell Sheila every night, 1 day closer to being with you again. I can't hardly wait, so I understand where you are coming from when you say no fear or sadness. Ready to move to my forever home. This big house is no longer my home to me. Just a lonely place to wander around in. Peace and Hope I hope we both, and all find. Rick

 

Lou, I understand totally about the doctor being concerned with your emotional and mental health. My doctor put me on anti-depressants, but I have quit taking them because I couldn't tell any difference. I personally believe there is a difference in being depressed, and broken hearted, but that's just me. I went to our main doctor the other day for a check-up and I had to ask him, could I have done any thing different or better? He said no, you did everything you could, you did more than most people would, we did every thing we could do also. I was crying so hard he couldn't hardly understand me and I asked him, if I left her on the ventilator for a month would it have made any difference? He said no. It lifted a weight off of my mind because I had to make that decision. I wouldn't wish that decision on anybody in the world. I understand being inside with this crappy weather, here in Texas the high tomorrow is to be 19. 19? What the heck! I wish there was a pill for broken heart syndrome, I would take a bunch. Me and Jack Daniels will have to keep our nightly partnership going I guess. Good luck on your exercises or whatever, can you get one of those bike things I see advertised on tv? I think the medical community misses a lot on personal anguish, hope the weather breaks for the better up there for you soon. Here in Texas it looks better next week. Take care Lou. I think I got this site figured out a little bit better. Rick

 

I'm pretty pleased I managed to get the GF from work. It was satisfying to clear off the loaner car and get out. I felt empowered yesterday! Thanks for all the supprot!

 

George,

I don't think of it as a "whine and complain fest." You have way too much on your plate, and you are so much stronger than you think you are. Winters where you live SUCK!!! Dialysis SUCKS!!! Needing a a loaner car SUCKS!!! Valerie dying at this time last year SUCKS!!! And... backing way, way up, losing your teaching job, no fault of your own, SUCKS!!! Not having control over all of these things, just SUCKS!!!, TU!!!, TO THE ABSOLUTE MAX!!! Being out of control of events in your life, but doing everything you can do to make a better life for yourself, in spite of this, and sharing those bad moments with us, is NOT!!! a "whine and complain fest." I think you're simply trying to process your feelings, so you will be able to keep on keeping (I love this one, thanks Gary!).

When you mentioned in a different message that loneliness "is what it is," or something similar to this, it hit me full force. You are 100% right!!! You explained it, short, to the point, much better than I could have. As I read through the messages that were posted yesterday, when I was MIA, loneliness was the most "talked" about problem. It hit me full force, how lonely each and every one of us are... It SUCKS!!! It also hit me full force, how open everyone was, sharing how negative an impact loneliness creates, a type of loneliness that can't be resolved by keeping busy, by spending times with friends, either one on one, or in a larger group setting. IMHO, as much as I HATE!!! having to say this, I don't think there is any way to get rid of the loneliness caused by the loss of Valerie, Bob, or all of TGW one true love of their lives. How can we??? We shared the most special bond in the entire world with our deceased loved ones... We experienced unconditional love, we had each other's backs always..., we felt so safe..., secure... loved. No one will ever be here for us the way Valerie was here for you, Bob was here for me, the way all of TGW one true love of their lives, was there for them. I think it was Robin, who said in an earlier post, that while our children can be supportive, it isn't the same, it can't be. No relationships will ever be as meaningful in the way that the relationships with our loved ones who have been taken away from us much too soon, were. It's not possible.

Trying to put a bit of a positive spin on this, I believe in time, although how much time will be different for every one of us, although this loneliness will always be with us, it won't have as much as a negative impact, as it does on each and every one of us right now. Every GW is strong in his/her own way, as Robin would say, we are stronger than we think we are. Although after Bob died, I wasn't sure about this, almost ten months later, I totally agree with her. We ARE!! stronger than we think we are, and even stronger as a group!!! We are s l o w l y finding the way to the exit of Mr. Grief's amusement park. We are learning valuable lessons from GW who have been suffering through this longer than we have. We are passing on everything we've learned to new members. Although not everything that helps one of us will help all of us, by picking and choosing from the things that have worked for others, we are helping ourselves move forward.

I know I said this very recently, but I am so unbelievably grateful for finding GIC and for being part of TGW... I think that there is a reason for everything, that there are no coincidences in life. I believe that TGW were meant to meet. God gave us each other, to help each of us become a little stronger in our continuing battle with Mr. Grief.

I could outlast that Energizer Bunny right about now, but stopping here. I know I have a habit of being way too "wordy," of repeating myself endlessly. As usual, I'm smiling through tears, thinking about what Bob's response to this might be. I miss Bob more and more with each passing day... Loneliness SUCKS!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Rick,

I thought about what you said, that you "believe there is a difference between being depressed, and broken hearted." I didn't look at it from this perspective prior to you saying this, but I agree with you, although I think the two probably feel very much the same. I'm not a doctor and don't have experience with anti-depressants, but from what I've heard from others, and from what I've read, sometimes it can take awhile before you find one that is a good "fit" for you. I've heard this can be a very discouraging process.

Although I think you're on to something when you said that there is a difference between being broken hearted and being depressed, from the little I know, I think that because there seem to be so many similarities between the two, that anti-depressants can be very helpful in fighting Mr. Grief. This is only my opinion, so take it or leave it. However, I think attempting to fight Mr. Grief with Jack Daniels, in the long run, isn't going to give you any sort of long lasting relief, will only take the edge off a bit, and could potentially create more problems down the road. Before resorting to Jack Daniels as a weapon in this ongoing battle with Mr. Grief, maybe you could ask your doctor if there might be a different anti-depressant that you could try, that if taken consistently, for however long it usually takes to kick in, might help you keep Mr. Grief from hitting you full force so frequently. Just my two cents. Take it or leave it. I won't be offended, and will still be here to "listen," if you and Jack Daniels remain good friends. I'm sure you already know all of this, but I had to say it anyway, otherwise I would totally SUCK!!!, at being any sort of a "friend."

I'm so sorry you had to make the decision to take Sheila off of the ventilator. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that decision must have been. I prayed that I wouldn't have to make a decision like the one you had to make, for Bob. I prayed about this often, praying that God would give me the strength if necessary, to do what was best for Bob. I'm very grateful that God took this decision out of my hands. That being said, I'm so glad the doctor validated the choice you made, letting you know that if you had kept Sheila on that ventilator, it wouldn't have made any difference. It was her time to leave this earth. God knew this. There was nothing you could have done to change this. I'm sure you already know this too, but what we know rationally, is sometimes so difficult to fully grasp emotionally. It SUCKS!!!

I'm glad Mother Nature might decide to be kinder to Texas next week. Nice weather is always a plus in our continuing battle with Mr. Grief. In my tiny corner of the world, we're expecting lots of rain, beginning at the end of this week. I'm not complaining!!! I know so many GW are experiencing much worse than this. Spring can't arrive soon enough!!!, TU!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

If I could send you my bereavement blanket, I would let you borrow it as long as you needed it. All of this SUCKS!!!, TU!!! I love the words you quoted from Zuba's book, "so we dance between two worlds." "We dance between the reality of their death and the certainty of being with their non physical presence the remainder of our lives." I find this comforting, although still so over the top bittersweet, in a way I couldn't have possibly understood almost 10 months ago.

Speaking of Zuba, I ordered a couple copies of the second book he wrote, "Becoming Radiant, A New Way To Do Life following the death of a beloved." I bought one copy for my friend who lives a couple blocks away from me. She is coming up on the anniversary of her husband's death, and is trying hard to move forward, but isn't sure how. She has been so sad... Both the anniversary of his death, and Valentine's Day are in February, about a week apart. I ordered the other copy for myself. I'm not as far along in this miserable journey (for lack of a better word) as my friend is, but I'm looking forward to reading this book. The books should be arriving soon, or could already be waiting for me, outside my front door. I'll let you, and all TGW know, what I think of Zuba's second book, as soon as I finish it. I hope it's as helpful as I found the first one to be.

I'm not feeling like a group facilitator, but it was nice to hear this. Thank you for sharing. I think I might be coping a bit better, but like so many of us, I still spend way too many days, stuck at the bottom of this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions, in Mr. Grief's way past twisted amusement park. Although you might not feel this way, I think Lou got it right when he said he thinks of you as a group facilitator. Although I'm repeating myself, I have to say this again. You have a way of sharing your feelings, of bringing all TGW together..., always leaving me with something to think about after every message you post. You are one of the most insightful individuals I "know." You're going to make the absolute best!!!, TU!!! hospice volunteer!!! (If my brain isn't too foggy tonight, I think you mentioned in a much earlier thread ,that this is something you want to do.)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti,

As always, it's so good to hear from you. Just my two cents, but I agree with what Lou said, moving to Arizona, being near Jack's brother, his wife and family, sounds like a good idea. Although the summers are very hot, you wouldn't have to deal with this miserable cold weather. You aren't happy living in SC. Unfortunately, your daughter isn't able able to spend as much time with you as I'm sure she wishes she could. However, having said this, I agree with what you said. God has a purpose for each of us. I believe He will guide you to make the decision that's best for you.

Just as Karen said, I think you express your thoughts beautifully. I know, and I think I'm safe in saying this for all TGW, that everything you write, comes from your heart..., said with love.

As always, sending you and JayCee lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

Thank you for the prayers. They are always appreciated. Good news first. I love my new dentist, the dental hygienist and office staff. I'm very lucky that I got an appointment so quickly. Otherwise the situation could have been much worse. Now for the not so good news. Long story short, when my new dentist reviewed the x-ray sent by my prior dentist's (I'm being over the top polite calling him a dentist) office, and compared it to the x-ray that was taken in her office yesterday, she told me that the root canal was fine, the tooth looked good prior to my prior dentist attempting to make the second crown fit, by cutting into my gum. My new dentist said that when he "forcefully" (her word exactly) tried to make the second crown fit, he broke a tooth root. Although I didn't realize this, the pain, redness and swelling of the gum, was caused by a bacterial infection from the broken tooth root and from an ill fitting crown. Unfortunately, because I put off taking care of this for so long, the infection has spread to the bone. There is no way to save the tooth. I have an appointment early Tuesday morning to have it pulled. She told me that even though she wants to pull it out ASAP, she thinks it's better for me to have a week's worth of antibiotics in my system first. She said that it was very important, given the severity of the infection, that I start the antibiotics immediately, and take a double dose as soon as I get home from picking it up at the pharmacy.

I'm so over the top grateful that Bob helped me get that appointment yesterday!!!, TU!!!, given that my new dentist told me more than once that this is a very serious infection. She told me to call her anytime, even in the middle of the night, or over the weekend, if I need to. I promised her I would, but don't think it'll be necessary. There is one good thing, if you can call it a good thing, about this. My dentist told me that because this tooth is the last one on the bottom right side of my mouth, that I don't need an implant. She said that other patients who have had this same tooth extracted, once they get used to the bite being a bit different, decide not to get an implant. She assured me that because of the location, not having a tooth in this spot, won't cause my other teeth to shift. Plus she told me that the tooth next to it is in excellent condition, so once the tooth is pulled, and the infection has cleared, and the gum has healed (this will take about six months), if I decide I want an implant, she will be happy to discuss this option with me. However, I'm not planning on getting one. Cosmetically, because of the location, a missing tooth shouldn't be that obvious, plus if it isn't necessary, there is no way I'm going to fork over megabucks$$$ for an implant. Years ago, a very long story, won't bore you with the details, because of a careless mistake by a different dentist, I had to have an implant. I'll NEVER forget the sound of that drill going into my jaw bone. The dentist, whatever you call the specialist who does implants, told me I was one of his best patients. He couldn't see how tightly I was holding on to the sides of the chair because my hands were covered by one of those long gowns, lol...

I haven't seen the news today, but I know you were expected to get some more horrible weather. I'm so glad you're furnace is in good working order!!!, TU!!! I hope you and Teddy, are safely inside, warm, and with all the supplies you need to get through this way beyond miserable weather.

I'm way beyond fried and although it's not the dentist or hygienist's fault, from having to have x-rays done of the tooth and from examining it, the area surrounding it is very painful. I'm going to take some ibuprofen, veg out, become a couch potato, until it's time to take my last hit of antibiotics, so I can try to get a decent's night's rest.

As always, sending you and Teddy lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Dear Deb TGW we’re in a slump and our Godfather Lou sent you to bat as a pinch hitter and you hit one out of the ball park with bases loaded. Thank you for your kind words about me. I was deeply moved and felt tears of joy. I really enjoy reading your posts and how your insight guide me too. You have a way of putting several days of messages of TGW into compact newsletter. It was so good to see Amber Grace return to TGW. I’m socked in from the blizzard again today. I will dig out tomorrow but the roads Will be treacherous for days. I’m glad you’re getting Zuba’s new book and can’t wait for your review. I decided to write letter number four to Cheryl today. The letter is “here is how I know you are near me”. Synchronicities is a term the author of Invisible Ink uses to describe odd coincidences related in feeling connected to our dearly beloved. I got a photo of Cheryl and played “All of my love” by Robert Plant to her. I put one hand over my heart and the other hand on top of the first. I relaxed and asked Cheryl to come into my heart. Beautiful memories of the mourning dove on my window cooing the day Cheryl died, the iris that blew into my face, the blue jay that called to me in the woods when I was distraught calling out to Cheryl, the butterfly that nearly collided with my face on the bike ride and several more. I hugged and spoke to Cheryl’s photo. I got up with a lighter heart. Again Cheryl didn’t seem that far away. Reliving the good memories are very powerful. Zuba writes “when we feel their presence they are right here right now”. I’m so grateful to have have found this group too. Gary

 

Deb I’m glad you found qualified help. On my last post I did so much editing I thought I was going to get kicked off so I panicked and pressed send. I wanted to ask you how your crown was. I’m glad you don’t need an implant immediately. Hope you get some quality sleep tonight. Gary

 

Thanks The Deb for your kind words and insight. Just back from a grueling 4 hours of D and the computer "turned itself on" so I looked in at GIC.
You are NEVER too wordy! If anything I think I'm not wordy enough! Glad you said that about my lost teaching career. Valerie tended to blame me for giving up such a good position. She was always about the money back then. I don't think she understood just how sick I was back in 2016. At the end she did get it and forgave me. We just had no chance to talk. The end came so suddenly! Lottsa hugs!

 

Rick I’ve been racking my brain how to respond to your dire situation. I know what it is like to drink for oblivion. I also know the mental torturing bewilderment and despair the following day. You may be suffering from a disease called alcoholism. It is not your fault. This is just one of the destructive behaviors we can fall into because of grief. I suggest calling your doctor and telling him exactly how much you are drinking and follow his recommendation. This is an extremely misunderstood and complexed illness. The site aa-intergroup.org has a list of online zoom meetings. There are at least 10 different meetings every hour. On the meeting description look for the words: newcomer beginner or relapse. those are the meetings you want to attend. Do these things if you want to live. if you don’t I understand. My cousin tried to drink herself to death until the end. Hospice would not take her until she completed detox. You are a living out my worst nightmare. I wish I could help but it’s up to you. God helps those who help themselves. I am sending you love and positive thoughts. Gary

 

Hi Gary, thank you for reaching out to Rick, I have wanted to
but didn’t know how. God bless you. Patti

 

Hey Rick... Drinking and mood elevating is a hard one. The only times I have felt normal was after getting buzzed on VDKA. I felt like myself again. The down side is it is only temporary and I feel even worse and more depressed the next morning. The false joy is hard to deny. I get so sick the next day and thirsty too and mega-depressed. It's a hard one with no easy answers. It is hard to feel "normal" A year ago I was watching helpless as my best friend and partner died suffering and screaming in pain. After living without Valerie for a year I still have this intense absolute emptiness inside me. In my heart and spirit and soul. Every day is a challenge. The cancer weed she needed helped me forget for a time but it's too damn expensive and my son hates it. Most of the time my strategy, as such, is to just "forget" Valerie and my old life. It is hard and boring and blank. Winter makes everything harder. Do what you need to do to survive, there is no answer except inside you somewhere. I'm still searching for it. Getting through the day, driving my son's GF to work, going to the store, dealing with my car troubles, getting through the four hour torture of dialysis does empower me, but is it enough. I don't know. I don't know who I am besides the values I stubbornly cling to. I want something I know I can't have easily or quickly. I don't know what. all is so unknown!

Valerie hated drinking. Maybe that's part of why I want to do it. A big F off for leaving me!

Valerie hated drinking. But for our first three years we were a megaParty couple. She set impossibly high standards and I see this now after being alone for a year.
I miss her every second of every day. I love her!!!!!! She made me neurotic and f''d up my son's head. Her parents made her the dissonant person she was. I don't blame her. I wish I could have helped her more but my own demons were fighting me too much. That's where the endless guilt comes in that I'm just starting to realize I'm battling, and make tiny progress against.

She was a mass of contradictions, no wonder she was so unhappy with most things.

 

I could be wasted all the time but I don't want to be. Art and doing uncomfortable shit does empowers me but there are a lot of lonely cold hours in a day and sleep is sometimes hard. Sometimes you just have to let yourself lie there in the bed while the stupid radio plays lame music. It sounds pretty crappy but that is life and getting through the day. Valerie was repulsed by drinking for some weird dogmatic reason, even though between 1987 and 89 we partied our asses off. I took to whisky when my career was falling apart. She was so MAD! She did forgive me. I could drink all I want now but choose not to. It is so hard because when I get buzzed I feel somewhat normal and myself... but I know it's only temporary.

I have started doing art again. It seems good.

Hope you get out soon into that vast winterWonderland!