What would help?

JMD,
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. There seems to be a lot of on here that we’re making our plans for retirement and start enjoying our lives without work. My husband and I owned a business together, he was ready to retire and I wanted to stay working a few more years. I have RA and working keeps my joints happy. I was nervous to stop working. We made a plan, this year on my birthday which is one week from today. We would begin our retirement. We would go sign me up for SS and celebrate the beginning of our new life. I will also turn the age he was when he passed. Dreading this birthday. Now it just causes guilt that I wanted to wait. Torture! I’ve closed our business and I’m retired alone. Like so many others on this site.
Your loss is so resent and raw, take care of yourself. Get out and breathe in fresh air. Accept any and all offers for help. They tend to disappear fairly quick. If someone asks what can I do, ask them to come sit and have coffee with you. It helps more then you think. Visit this site often and read and share stories. It has been great help to me. Live a moment at a time don’t push yourself, things become overwhelming.
There will be better days ahead.
❤️ Robin

 

Thank you Robin. Everything you say here is so true. One of my heartbreaks is knowing how hard my husband worked everyday, physical labor, outdoors, never called out sick, and he never got to experience the joy of his retirement. We both had the same work ethic - all of our time off was with each other - that's the way we liked it. He is two years younger than me so we had a plan for him to retire at the same time anyway and we talked about it with such hope. I am still working, which helps distract me a little bit, and I am also trying to do what I need to take care of myself. I am honest with others and do not tell everyone I am 'fine'. I have a few people to count on but I am finding that most have a hard time understanding how upsetting and disruptive grief is. I feel physical pain sometimes and cannot predict when the tears will come.

 

It’s upsetting that people don’t understand how much pain we’re in. But how could they unless they’ve been through such a loss. The tears are definitely unpredictable, but let them fall, crying is cathartic. I’m glad you have a couple people you can depend on. That’s important. And hopefully they’ll talk about your husband. So many people don’t understand it’s important to talk about them. And that the crying is natural.

 

JMD and Robin,

Good points. JDM I love your work ethic. It is true the tears will just roll. I tell people they don't need to fix anything. It is just what I do and that it's OK. My new neighbor is a therapist and she talks about connection. She also knows how challenged she would be if her husband passed. They have kids and she values them.

You both are great gals and are fantastic partners. I was complementing Kay to someone today. We are fortunate and that was my neighbor's point. Not all have these relationships. I know that does not fill the void but you both deserve to know you did so well!!

Glad you both post. A pleasure to know you!!

Paul M.

 

Hi, I don't know if you're still taking suggestions since this post/question is from 2017 but if at all possible it would be nice to make sure new posters receive some kind of response within a certain amount of time, like 24 hours, for example. It's very distressing to put yourself out there (here) and to not get a response since grief is so isolating in itself. For me I finally received a few responses to a post after about 3 days. I then made it a point to check every now and then for other new posters and respond to the category I'm "familiar" with.

 

Dee Kay,

Your point is well taken. A tread that is relevant may have had responses but will dwindle over time. I have created a thread that runs for a while. I have been engaged in threads with comments that run for a while. I have initiated personal conversation some run for a while. Some have evolved into genuine friendships lasting years. This new grief tutorial Griefic has created looks interesting for knowledge.

I accept people may just be here very shortly. I accept people may be so in pain that relating is too challenging. I also see many very good exchanges between those that share themselves. Some may use the references or tribute portion.

For a long time, I just read.

Hope this helps. Glad you are here. Your point is well taken.

Paul M.

 

I would like to meet others that are going through the same thing as I am .
Nov3,2019 I lost my mom then nov17,2019 lost my exfiances dad then nov 30,2019 I lost my daughter's boyfriend to a drug overdose.on march 12 2020 I lost my son 28 years of age to complications of a motorcycle accident that left him paralyzed for a year and overdosed also.Again now nov 27 2020 I lost my exfiances mom .I'm so done with death and just really dont know how to deal anymore.Im worried about my middle daughter because she is an addict .my oldest daughter is a twin to my son that just passed and she I think is the strongest .I also have another set of twins girl & boy 24 years.they were born on the other twins birthday which makes it so much worse.ive been depressed and dont know how to react sometimes.theres days I wonder why I'm still here .But I know that feeling or doing something would kill my other 4 children.I would love to meet other people that can relate to my situation and realize it's ok if I have a bad day.

 

Lu922,

The multiple loss is staggering. Kay, my wife has at least ten in five years. She took that very hard. Just sorry and empathetic that you find yourself in this situation.

 

Thank u I appreciate the feedback.

 

Thank you I'm trying to navigate myself on this site.i hope I get the hang of it.its important to be able to talk to others.Thank you again for ur support

 

Tried clicking on your link, but it took me to a bad page. I need someone, something to make me stop crying, every single day,

 

I understand completely. I did not believe that you could cry everyday for so long. You would almost do anything to get out from under the sadness and feel better. It is unfortunately a very slow process. And - it’s ok to cry and release your emotions, in fact, I think you need to in order to heal in a healthy way. Talk about your loved one, and be kind to yourself. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You do the best you can day by day. My heart and prayers go out to you. There are many here who know your pain and want to help. Take care and keep writing. JMD

 

I lost my husband to suicide Dec. 2021. The first year I was in shock for months, never shed a single tear until his birthday in March 2022. I was busy giving away his stuff, hurt too much to see it. I moved twice, living in SWFL I survived a Cat 4 hurricane, cared for the animals at my cousins house while they were on extended holiday, etc. Now I just have no idea what to do with myself! I was not blessed with children nor siblings. This is not how retirement was supposed to be!

 

I'm sorry for your loss, Dawn. My heart goes out to you. I've found we've had a lot of unexpected circumstances of unexpected torrential weather, it's aftermath and other life variables that have reshifted us in and out of our grief for our daughter and mother, who we lost recently, as well as our father two years back. Looking back this last half year with all that has gone on we've noticed we've appreciated, whether chaotic or not, these shifts of our ache occasionally so we remembered to breathe. It looks as if you've fared a storm as well. We're still trying to find our footing. People/community don't know quite how to move around us, what to say, it's quite the Catch 22 because sometimes we just want our space, yet we still need the outreach. All I can say is it's quite the journey that pulses minute to minute, lots of ups and downs. Hang in there. You may find a path that delivers you to a reimagined retirement that helps to balance your inner soul and delivers the peace and contentment you desire, maybe even by reaching out to others that can relate to such or similar loss.

 

Thank you so much for such thoughtful words of encouragement! They mean the world

 

Absolutely.