Wednesday ART THERAPY

Karen and Rose, I’m afraid I agree with you Karen that this profound sadness and loneliness will be a part of us forever. And then i think how could it not, all of us here had the deepest and most wonderful connections with our soul mates. That doesn’t go away.

It will be 5 years on Nov 17 since losing Ron, my forever partner. I tend to relive that day every year, I’m sick as it approaches and sick after. It’s a day that started like any other weekend day in the fall. I had soup cooking in my slow cooker, Ron was doing things to make the yard ready for the bitter cold winter. We bought everything for our Thanksgiving feast and helped my daughter with house projects on her new home. I can still picture Ron pulling that 23 lb turkey out from all the others and saying this is the one. And I can picture him loving my soup and having multiple helping. I will say that I’m lucky enough to have spent a beautiful last day with Ron. And, I love you’s, were exchanged. All of that goes through my head and then how things deteriorated so quickly out of no where staring at 9:30. A large part of me was taken along with Ron as I know is the same for each of you. Life changes so deeply and so fast. And becomes something we don’t even recognize. I know Lou lost Linda a few days after I lost Ron, also 5 years ago. If my memory serves me, which it often doesn’t, I was thinking Karen’s loss was in Nov also. November is so hard to get through. Holidays approaching and nothing feels ok or right in our worlds.

I’ll end on a more upbeat note, my weather has turned beautiful these past few days. I’ve been enjoying nature in my yard, at a park and a visit to the beach. That’s what makes me feel the best.

Sending hugs and much love to all GIC family. We have a bond that I hold dearly to my heart.

Robin

 

Nov 4th, 3 years for me. Maybe that's why I have an underlying depression.

 

Karen, Rose, and Robin,

Count me in as another one who believes we will always feel lonely without Jack, C., Ron, and Bob, able to be (physically) with us. How could we not be??? Jack, C., Ron, and Bob, helped morph us into who we are today. We are a part of them, they are a part of us. When they transitioned, a part of us went with them, but a part of them is still with us. However, knowing this can't change the fact that we are now the sole keepers of all those inside jokes, those special private moments. It feels like a part of my history has been erased. It's a lonely, over the top, sad, scary feeling... It SUCKS!!!

I believe with all my heart, that although they can't be with us physically, they're always watching over us, guiding us when we need their help. I don't know if I would have made it out of that car wreck, if I didn't feel Bob's presence, "hear" him calmly telling me how to get out of the car. Yikes!!!, I'm beginning to get way off track, doing what I'm notorious for, rambling on and on and on, beginning to type one of my "books," as Lou would say. Back to what I want to say... Hope I can wrap this up in only a "chapter," lol...

Yesterday should have been a day to celebrate. It should have been our wedding anniversary. We got married on a Saturday. It was an unusually warm day, filled with lots of sunshine, bright blue skies, not a cloud in sight, surrounded by all the gorgeous, bright colors of autumn... Yesterday was not only Saturday, but also, a way beyond gorgeous, sun filled day, in my corner of SC. I think it being a Saturday, and a way beyond, beautiful fall day, triggered the tears... Memories of that (almost) magical day, in what seems like a lifetime ago, flooded my mind... The tears kept flowing... It SUCKED!!!

Backing up a bit, Skye and I began our day the same way we always do. We went for a really long, early morning, walk. Our morning walks, watching the world slowly spring to life, watching Skye, fully present in the moment, treating each day as a new adventure, even though she's sniffed and explored, the same places, along the same roads, many times in the past, usually makes me smile, but not yesterday. I was surprised by the intensity of my feelings. I knew yesterday was going to be challenging, but I didn't expect to feel exactly as I did over 30 months ago, when Bob first transitioned. It SUCKED!!!

When we got home, I was about to open the patio door that opens onto the back porch, when I saw a small lizard had made it's way inside. The screen to the patio door was stuck, and there was NO!!! way that lizard was going to remain inside the house, living rent free, a very unwelcome guest, TUTTAM!!! When I finally got the patio screen door open, it fell off the track. I leaned it against one of the porch walls, got the lizard out of the house, off the porch, outside, into the grass. Mission accomplished!!!, but I couldn't get the 8 foot screen back on the track. Backing up a bit, the night before, one of the recessed bulbs on the kitchen ceiling burnt out. This house has 9 foot ceilings. There is no way I'm able to replace the bulb.

In the scheme of life, a patio screen door off the track, a burnt out bulb, aren't even drops in the bucket. Yesterday, two minor inconveniences, made me cry. Bob would have taken care of these things as soon as they happened. Reality can be hard to deal with at times. All it took were two minor inconveniences to remind me that I'm alone in this world... No one will ever be here for me the way Bob was. The floodgates opened... The world felt like a very scary place.

I morphed into a couch potato, spent lots of time, on the couch, a box of tissues next to me on one side, Skye cuddled up next to me, on the other side. I think she could sense how sad I was, because she snuggled in closer, showering me in dog "kisses." Much later, after we took our evening walk, Skye went to her toy basket, and pulled out all of her favorite, most prized possessions: Mr. Pig, Pink Flamingo, Mr.Duck, Dawg, Mr. Octopus, her ball on a rope, etc, etc, etc... Although I didn't feel like playing with her, I did. It was the best thing I could have done. I was surprised how playing with Skye, helped me be present in the moment, and have a couple of lol moments, after a totally emotionally and physically, exhausting day. I could feel Bob's presence, and like to think that he was smiling down at me, from wherever he is...

Sending you GIANT!!! hugs all the way from TUTTAMVILLE... I'm teary eyed just thinking that the three of you, and everyone else in our GIC "family, will have to endure a day similar to the one I just had. It SUCKS!!! (As usual, I seem to be stuck on SUCKS!!!, but I can't help it. Those two words, seem to sum it up best, in one short sentence. Karen, and Bernadine, if you read this, I try so hard, but just don't have your gift for saying it all, in just a few sentences. It's a talent I definitely don't have, lol...) Although this doesn't make it any easier, as so many of us have said in the past, we are the lucky ones. We know what true love is. I can't even begin to imagine living my entire life without Bob being a part of it, TUTTAM!!!

As always, sending lots more hugs and love, to you, and all of your fur babies, who are also a part of our GIC "family," wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE... DEB & Skye Karma

 

P.S. I must be comatose today!!! So sorry!!! You were "talking" about Ron, C., and Jack's "angelversary dates, as Bernadine once called the day, the one true love of our lives, transitioned. Thinking about it, it seems like our love one's "angelversaries," and our wedding anniversaries, evoke lots of the same feelings. It SUCKS!!!

 

Deb, I love, love your book of chapters. Please don't ever change the way you express your feelings, life's trials and successes. I particularly related to the paragraph, "In the scheme of life". I'm alone in this world that feels like a very scary place. I, too, have had small things happen in this house that Jack always fixed. OMG, what do we widows do when things happen, call a electrician just to put in a light bulb or call someone to attach a screen door, Hum! I don't like this. I guess it's called, call a neighbor. My remote to the garage door got lost and when I buy another one someone has to program it. On u-tube there is no way I can do this. So, hoping when I ask my neighbor who he would recommend he may say I can do it. Oh, "Wilber" I will take a deep breath. Thanks for posting, I can feel every word you have said in every way. Oh, love hearing about your little Queen Skye and her adventures in life.

 

Robin, what a beautiful story until the end. It must of been devastivating to say the least that Ron passed so fast. I don't know how I would feel. Jack was home with hospice for two weeks so I knew what the end would be. The last two weeks haunt me as far as reliving every moment, day and night.
That is so super great you have something that makes you feel your best. Nothing like nature and the sea to calm ones spirit. Thanks for sharing. Hugs back to you, K

 

Hi Karen, GW family, and All new members,
I’ve been trying to get in to read and to reply to posts and my ipad
keeps dropping me off GIC.
Karen, first four years after Jack passed ,those memories of his last nine
years and the two weeks of hospice at home were all I could remember
after his struggle with Parkinsons 24 years, I didn’t give thought to what
eventually result from the horrible disease would come to be. I never
gave up hope, I don’t believe anyone can ever be prepared. My only brother
transitioned the week before Jack. I learnt later, Carl was laid to rest on the same
day and time. The years have gone by, but this time every year the most difficult time
ever in my life creeps into my mind. I’m always anxious for month of November
to get over. It will be 7 years Nov.7th. but every year it seems like
yesterday. I have many times of missing Jack terribly , I think about him every
day, even though he’s not physically here, I feel his presence. I get signs from
him letting me know he is. I believe it is only my Faith in God that has kept me
sane. Like you getting Winky, Deb getting Skye, and all others acquiring pets, I
getting JayCee, ( named her after Jack and Carl) what a Blessing they are.
I think of you all often, Keeping everyone in my prayers as we all keep marching
forward, as Lou title as Grief Warriors for us all.
I hope I’m still on line so this will post Big hug to all.
Blessings,Patti

 

Hi Patti, Karen, Deb, Robin, and to all, I'm up again at 5am,but reading all your posts has given me comfort, helping me to understand I'm not alone, all your words resonate exactly what I'm going through right now. My heart goes out to you all, sharing does help us get through this neverending turmoil. Deb, how I understand you, how frustrating it is with all those things breaking all at once. I've also had your experience of a lizard in the house, more than once. The other day, it was in my lounge, but luckily near the glass door, so I went outside using the other door in the kitchen, then opened the lounge door from outside , and luckily it clambered over the doorstep and out into the yard. When it happened last Summer however, one evening, it was in my kitchen, very far from the door, it took me hours, I was alone, then suddenly it slithered underneath a cupboard. I got out a torch and shone it directly towards the direction where it was hiding (I'd read this on Internet), and it worked, it quickly came out and found it's way outside, in the end. I hope your neighbour gives you a hand getting the screen door back on its track, I understand you so well. My shed- door has fallen to pieces, I keep it hanging on with bits of wire. It's only made with wood and carbon-type panels (I don't exactly know what material it is!), a quick DIY job my C and FIL did over thirty years ago. It's actually normal that it needs redoing after such a long time, but we just haven't got a clue what to do. I know that my C would have rebuilt it in a couple of hours, using more modern materials. I agree with you, I can't keep calling traders, it's one thing if you just need a plumber, but who takes care of shed-doors? I get so depressed looking around my house and outside, counting all the broken things which will just remain broken,jobs that will remain undone.
Anyway, it wasn't my intention to depress you all, I'm looking forward to my Halloween lesson this afternoon, with my little, lively group of 7 year-olds at the English Language private school where I'm now teaching, just a few hours a week. Apart from helping financially, this is good therapy for me, I think it's a similar joy and comfort that we all get from our pets (we have a tabby cat). Spending time with children and pets is soothing for the mind, helps us see a little light in this dark tunnel we've been plunged into.
Hugs to you all and to all your little furry friends.
Rose

P. S. Haven't heard from Gary for months, has anyone perhaps received any news from him? I hope he's OK.

 

Rose, I just wonder if owning a home or rent is the best thing. Although all my memories are here. Gary is still MIA.

 

Thank you Patti. November is the pits to say the LEAST. You had a double whammy losing your brother then Jack. Kind of like me, I lost my son then 1 yr and 3 months Jack passed after 8 months of illness. No wonder I've aged 10 years in looks. I look in the mirror without any makeup and say to myself, "It it really me yikes". Ha.

 

Thank you Karen,
The fact that I lost Ron in 2 hours with no previous health issues. That put me in a state of shock. I recall not being able to think clear about anything. My children took care of me thankfully. It took me a year to even try to find an on line support group. My son is who pushed me to get fresh air and made me promise to step outside every day. He was so right, but at first I was like, what am I doing. My children stayed with me and we all camped out in my living room. My sons husband held me and my daughter most nights. I cry as I write about it. Just like you can’t imagine how I lost Ron so quickly. I can’t imagine your loss either. Having hospice care and knowing the end is near. I can’t even. The weeks you speak of I know would haunt me too. I lost both my parents after illness, and seeing them grow weaker and weaker is very difficult. But I will say it’s different from losing your soul mate. I do feel blessed that Ron and I had a very normal, happy last day together and how his last words to me were loudly spoken for all to hear. “I love you Robin” I learned that shortly after that during the ambulance ride to the hospital he got much worse. He didn’t know his name. I won’t go on because I can’t. It’s too much. But I’m also sitting here waiting for the guy to service my burner. And I don’t want to answer the door in tears.
But thank you Karen for your kind words.
Robin

 

I have that same reaction looking in the mirror. Who is that person. And how much I’ve aged. I’ve stopped wearing makeup. Never wore much anyway. I’m not trying to impress anyone.

 

I really don't give a F about what I look like anymore. I have no-one who cares... why should I!

 

The pain in my heart and head is excruciating... 3 years since the dyin' time began...

 

I'm still here but NOT DOING GOOD

 

I am so FnG* done with it! the DEB.. No one seenms to give aS*HT about anything except Instagram, Taylor Swifty and Football

 

That’s so sad but I feel the same. How do you care when half of you is gone.

 

Exactly.. been trying my AS** off for three years now... it is getting so Hopeless and I don't even care

 

I’m sorry George. But I’m feeling it too. I’m right there with you. I’m feeling it extra today. I had men in my house servicing my burner and hot water heater. They were nice enough. I just hate it. Ron’s supposed to be here. I’m always worse this time of year. Just how it is.

 

So sick of Taylor. I couldn’t care less.