Valentine is Dead!

I was at Dialysis when Valerie died

 

George, the first year after a spouse dies,
is truly a nightmare. I couldn't listen to
ANY song, from both before I met Linda.
or during our marriage. I had tremendous
survivor's guilt, & felt I didn't deserve
anything like enjoying music. I couldn't
look at nature, without thinking why
wasn't Linda with me to see this. One
morning, I decided to play a blues song
on my phone, which made me happy,
before I met Linda. That one baby step
was the beginning of my listening to all
kinds of music: Blues, classical,Sinatra
slow ballads,like Cycles, Johnny Cash,
Folsom Prison Blues, CCR. Do you listen
to music now? I remember you liking the
blues. Lou

 

That's heartbreaking, too, George. As our
friend, "The Deb", ( as you call her) says,
it all SUCKS BIG TIME!!!. Loul

 

One of the few things that gives me pleasure is music. There is a radio program every Sunday night called "BluesBreakers" I like. I have eclectic tastes... Dinosaur Jr, Nirvana, to Leonard Cohen. Valerie was not into music like the teeVee so I can still listen to it.

 

I injured my right middle finger clipping the nail. It hurtz like hell. Don't want to go to the Doktor and/or spend 5-10 hours in the noisy smelly ER. There's always something!

 

So sorry, George. It was insensitive for
me to joke about you flipping the bird.
Had I known you were hurt, I wouldn't
have said that. When I fell, cut one knee,
the other knee tensed up, & I couldn't
tie my sneakers, or use the stairs, let alone
cut my toenails.A married couple
suggested a pedicure. At first , I laughed.
But, it was well worth it. I go every 6
weeks & treat myself. The feel of the
warm whirlpool as my feet were immersed
in it, was wonderful & relaxing. Would
you consider that? Lou

 

I didn't even grok to the bird flipping comment! I think I injured it as Karmatic Justice cuz I'm always flipping something off! As soon as I get my car back I f-Up my F finger. So stupid yet totally me. Just so tired of endless winter too!

 

So glad you listen to music, George. A lot of
GW can't, without sobbing. I don't know
the singers you mentioned, except
Leonard Cohen. His Hallelujah makes
me too sad. I do like House of the Rising
Sun, by Eric Burton & The Animals. Eric
has a deep voice. When I saw the video,
I was surprised how young he was.I woke
up this am with my "hug dream" about
Linda. I was granted a wish to see her
for 24 hours.When I had this dream other
times, I wanted to talk to her, & tell her
what happened after she died, & to say
that I was OK, & ask her about the
afterlife. This time, I said, "I want to hug you for a long time & not let go". Linda
agreed & we put our arms around each
other. When I woke up, I was hugging
myself & cried when I realized she wasn't there. I'm not sure why I had this dream
today. Perhaps it was bc of Valentine's
Day tomorrow. I will be staying inside.
We had more snow this am,& it will be
very cold tomorrow. I made plans to have
lunch with a friend on Tues,& I'm trying to
think about that. Lou

 

Lou I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner to your post. I agree about how our reactions are different regarding losing our spouses. The Sudden lose of Cheryl made me want to hang on till the last second of time being with Cheryl. I understand how a long agonizing painful lose would not require a second look. I don’t agree with the grief analogy that a lose is a lose sudden or anticipated. Sudden is definitely traumatic but I think anticipated lose wears the mind body and soul of a person worse. That’s just my opinion in what I’ve witnessed on this site and in person grief meetings. Gary

 

I'm more into the instrumental part of music than the singers. A lot of vocalists are overblown and pretentious to me and they sound annoying. Today the 13th is our official Valentines Day. I just need to get thru the day. It is cold!

 

I’ve been turning the radio on just to have some background noise. If I hear any sad songs I turn it off. I’m still listening to old Led Zeppelin cds maybe 30 minutes a day. George we are in the worst part of the winter. This is the time it has the most negative affect on my brain. A snow melt is coming Wednesday for two days. next week looks like a big thaw. We are almost there. the bird migrations will begin and the daffodils start emerging. At least we are getting longer daylight hours. I would rather be cold fishing than sitting at home bored. I can’t make up my mind. Hope your finger heals well. Gary

 

Yes, George. Snow here today, & very
cold tomorrow here. I walked outside
yesyerday, bc it was sun & 50s ! Welcome
to New England. Lou

 

Gary, just heard of a bird flu , affecting
chickens, in your state & other places.
We don't need this after COVID,empty
shelves, & inflation. Lou

 

Gary, My grief counselor told me to not
fall into the trap of comparing grief.
For example: saying the loss of a child is
worse than the loss of a spouse, or the
loss of a spouse after a long illness is
worse than the sudden, shocking loss of a
spouse, & soulmate. May I remind you
that when Linda collapsed in front of
me, & died soon after, from a pulmonary
embolism, I had PTSD, like a soldier in
battle, who sees his best buddy blown
up & die in front of him. Even today, 3
years after Linda's death, I have to
erase that horrible image of the last time
I saw her. I still have the need to speak
weekly on the phone, with a different
therapist now. Lou

 

The weeks prior to Kenn’s death he had some end of life neurological problems. It was really challenging. He didn’t remember who I was. He was afraid and disoriented. It was just the two of us navigating death. He was dying and I was there as witness to it.
After a particularly bad Saturday night he fell asleep at 8am on Sunday morning and never regained consciousness.
His body lost life, his buoyancy was gone, he became dead weight so moving and tending to his needs took a lot of patience and skill to manage alone. He died two days later, just after midnight on Tuesday.
When he stopped breathing I stayed in my chair beside the bed, made a couple of phone calls and then went to sleep. It wasn’t at all uncomfortable knowing he wasn’t in his body anymore. I wanted that peaceful time with him.
In the morning his son wanted to rush right over but I put him off for a while. After noon he arrived but did not want to see his dad’s body.
The hospice nurse arrived later and he and I tended to his body, got some things settled and then called the crematorium.
It wasn’t until just before dark that they arrived to take Kenn’s body. 18 hours after he stopped breathing. It was one of the most difficult moments. Kenn had entrusted himself to me in those last weeks, he could not speak or advocate or care for himself. I had promised him I would care for him until the end. He was wrapped up in our bedsheets so they didn’t have to disturb him.
I had been talking to him throughout the day, letting him know what was happening, that his body was safe, he was safe to go. He didn’t need permission of course but if there was any lingering I wanted to assure him. His face had changed several times over the course of the day, his disengagement from the physical world was distinct. His face became peaceful, like Gary saw with Cheryl, and then he was just gone, his body had done his job and served him well.

I haven’t really talked about this part to most people. The idea of seeing or being with a vacant body is harder for some, for me, at least with Kenn, it felt like the most natural time.
One woman’s experience. ~B

 

Oh, my God, Bernadine, that was a
hearbreakimg account of your last
days with Kenn, before & after his soul
left his body. As I said to Gary, everyone,
including TGW here, is different. I couldn't
have done what you did. I would be more
like Kenn's son, in not wanting to see
Linda's face after her death. Your line,
" his body had done his job, & served him
well, " is a profound & moving statement
about Kenn, and reminds me of Tom
Zuba's words in Pemission to Mourn.
Thank you for sharing the most
horrible moments of your life,
Bernadine. Lou

 

Thank you, Lou
I wasn’t sure I should share that, not just with GWs but with anyone. It so personal, especially for Kenn, I know he wouldn’t mind if there was any value our experience might bring someone else.
I understand you not wanting to see Linda after she died. I’m glad you got to do it in the way that was best for you and that you have peace about the decision. That’s a blessing.

I don’t think of it as horrible though.
It was a heavy time, big human emotions.
Standing in witness to death was magic, nature doing what nature does with a soul inside it or something, hard to describe.
Just like the birth of my son entering the world is the Pain and Beauty and Wonder and Intensity (TU) of leaving the world. ~B

 

B, I have no words to describe your story and I thank you for posting it. So incredible and heart moving.

For my short story, to lose sudden or terminal, Hum!. I've thought about that. For my experience with Jack he was terminal and had two weeks at home with hospice. That was time for the family and close friends to come by and say goodbye. Jack ask for me to call certain friends to come over so he could say goodbye. So in that respect terminal was time for goodbyes. I can't imagine sudden deaths. Shocking beyond words. We have no say how our love ones go.

There is a quote by Oprah Winfrey. "I'm am a spiritual being living a human life". B, your comment, "His body had done his job and served him well". Our body is our home for our spirit.

I really appreciate you posting your story, your memory serves you well. I have blocked out a lot of my terrible feelings of quilt with Jack's illness, or maybe I'm in denial not wanting to hurt so much. Spring will be here soon, let's get our gardens going to sooth our aching hearts. Always blessings to you, Karen

 

My last posting is to you Gary and Lou responding to an article saying sudden and long illness grief is the same. Or something like that. Do not compare grief.

 

Thanks, Karen.
Sitting vigil with the body has become more uncommon in our culture. I feel really blessed to have had the time. ~B