The sudden loss of my husband, my partner in adventure…

Ty. I have thought about a therapist/support group. I'm glad u got help. I cry almost everyday. I have this ache all the time. Just want him back. I struggle with alot of things. I should have asked more about ur hurting arm. I should have talked to u that day before died. Then I would have known u were feeling weak. Call an ambulance. Gave u a chance. We were not married but was talking about it. He felt like my husband. I blame myself and wish I was with him in heaven. Just can't understand why God took him so soon. Feel lonely and broken. Why should I do anything without him. No kids together. He has grown girls and grandkids. His family and I talk some but not alot. I don't care about stuff i use too and rather be in the house trying to cope and fill the loneliness. Would love to chat.

 

Hi HoneySuckle
It will be one year since I lost my wonderful husband, partner in adventure, best friend. I haven’t been on this site for around 6 months. Early grief, after a sudden death, is really being in shock. I understand how sad, lost, awful you feel, and I am so so sorry you are going through this! You have been forced into a life that you didn’t choose, didn’t expect. It is still so hard, for me to be happy, to look forward to anything. And so many well intentioned friends, family, just don’t get it. They want me to be ‘better’, they want to fix me. This is impossible to do, and what they say, often is more hurtful than anything. What has really helped me, was joining a ‘spousal loss grief group’. It was put on by the local hospice association. It was a free, 8 week program. The group of 12, met weekly for 2 hours. It was the best thing I could have done. Being around people who have experienced the same thing, is so supportive. Also, a book by Megan Divine, called ‘It’s OK that you’re Not OK’, is excellent (I read many and this one, by far, was the best, for me).
I hope can find a support group like I have. We continue to meet, even after the 8 weeks. I wish you well….I feel your pain. You will not get better, but slowly learn to live alongside your grief,…(this was in the book I mentioned).

 

Honeysuckle, I know EXACTLY how you're feeling - I could have wrote your words myself. I ask God all the time why he took Lance from me. He knew how much I loved and NEEDED him so why did he have to take HIM, of all the people in the world? Does he WANT me to suffer like this? So far, I haven't gotten the answers but I really wish someone could tell me. Please don't blame yourself for this. From what you wrote, he could've and should've told you how he was feeling. You had no way to know he was having a heart attack, you're not a mind reader! And I really don't think he'd blame you, either. How can you be at fault for something you didn't know? It's been 17 months since I lost Lance and I still have more days than not when I just don't want to do a damn thing. I just wanna sleep. I feel like there's no point. But those days DO pass, Honeysuckle. I still have bad, bad days but some days really are better than others. I honestly think it's the passing of time, more than anything else. I'm sorry, I know I'm kind of rambling. I just want you to know you truly are NOT alone & everything you're feeling, I've felt the same way 100%.
Take care,
Kathy

 

Hi. Ty for writing and telling me ur story. I'm soo sorry for u too. I hate it happened to u and u are going through all of it. Yeah I feel a void and feel like hyperventilating almost everyday. He told me.a few days before he didn't know why his arm hurting so bad. But he had his arm/shoulder her before. So I just thought he was dealing with that. We talked how maybe he slepted wrong. Then we didn't anymore. He usually didn't talk about how he was feeling much and just sleeping through it. He would tell me then I would keep checking on him then have him go to the hospital. I have the same questions and no answers either. He was my go to. Person I told everything too. Now I have no one. Like u said they try to help but they don't understand and says hurtful stuff without realizing it. I function when I am at work. But when I get home I try to take care of my mom. She is slowly needing more help. But when she is asleep all I do is sleep or watch stuff to keep me busy. Remember good stuff and not the what ifs or should haves. Which is hard to do. Couple of days will be a month he will be gone. I wish it was a bad dream and will wake up soon. Not fair he is here and others who are throwing there life away are. Sometimes I wish I was with him. But it's not my time and I will not do anything to rush it. Hard to do stuff without him. Here's where I am rambling also.

 

R

Ty. Yeah friends and family tries but nothing really helps. I don't know how to be happy either. So sorry for ur loss. Glad u got some help. Will have to look into it myself. The old me is gone now there is this new me who is sad and lonely but puts on a face and do stuff only cause I have too.

 

Hi again Kathy and hello to HoneySuckle ! It's been awhile since I have been here, I thought that I was doing better, then BAM! all the sadness and the loneliness hit me again ! I cry on the way to work, because, once again, I realize that he won't be there when I come home. However, I have realized that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to miss him, it's okay to be angry with the "powers that be", it's perfectly fine to feel everything that you're feeling and for however long you feel it ! I remembered that you, Kathy and I lost our man in the same month, same year and wondered how you were doing ? Tell me of your journey !! Honey Suckle, this is a wonderful place to "talk it out" and let you know you're not the only one going through pain and healing, we are all here on this earth to help each other !

 

Michael, I thought what you said about sudden unexpected death, "upends our lives in ways never thought possible" was such an accurate description. I can really identify with that. This is why it is almost impossible for others who have not suffered a really tragic loss to understand why we are taking it so hard, and wondering when are we ever going to get over it. It is just beyond their being able to understand because they have not suffered through it like we have. I would not have understood either. I always thought you could just "pull yourself up by your bootstraps". This is not the kind of experience in which we can do that. God was my strength when I had no strength. I just kept holding on knowing He would help me, and He did help me in so many ways.

I also had the hardest time the second year because in the first year it is such a shock that it doesn't seem real. I remember thinking a number of times, "This can't have happened. It's just to awful to be true. It can't really have happened."
One day I was waiting for my son's car to pull in the driveway. Another day walking on a trail, I expected to meet him anytime. I believe God protects us so that the pain and grief don't just all happen at once. It would be too much for us to take. So the second year we begin to really realize that they are not coming back.
Thank you for sharing.
Chris

 

Mymel I’m extending my condolences to you. Did you have an autopsy done to find out what caused your husband’s sudden death? It took me one full year to completely accept the circumstances which led up to my husband’s unexpected death back in August 2019. My husband was the most strong minded and loving person that I’ve ever met. He truly loved me for all of me - the good, the bad and the ugly. I put him through emotional and mental hell when I was experiencing severe mental health issues - he stood by me and always assured me that I’m “his boo” and loves me unconditionally and will never leave me. I took it for granted that he would always be here and in an instant he was dead. My husband died from receiving a fentanyl laced bag of heroin and the person who bought him the fentanyl laced bag of heroin and the drug dealer have never been held accountable or been charged with this drug induced death due to a lack of evidence according to the detective assigned to my husband’s death case. We were cheated out of our forever together; didn’t have one last time to tell him that I loved him and I didn’t have one last time to tell him that I was sorry for fighting with him before I left the mobile home we were living in. I felt a great sense of guilt for not being home when he died and that if I were home I could have saved him. Over time i let go of the guilt and accepted his death as to how it happened and there’s nothing I could have done to change it. It’s been 6 years since he died and he’s in my heart, my mind and my soul. When he died, he took a piece of my heart with him.

 

Hi Honeysuckle I’m extending my condolences to you. You shouldn’t put unnecessary guilt on yourself about what you could have or should have done. Fate intervened and God took your beloved home. I also put an extreme amount of guilt on myself for not being home when my husband died on Aug 21 2019 and felt that if was home I could have saved him; I wasn’t able to tell him that I loved him one last time, I wasn’t able to apologize to him for causing our early morning argument and who knew that Aug 18 2019 would be the last time I’d see my husband alive!! It’s been 6 years since he passed and Im still traumatized from seeing the two EMT’s carrying out a black body bag containing my husband’s dead body with an awaiting white van heading out to the morgue. My husband’s family members and his adult children all turned their backs on me upon telling the brother in law that he was dead. I wrote a note to his adult children to call me about their dad and his death and gave it to their Aunt to give to them. Don’t know if she even gave his kids my letter but didn’t hear from either of them. We were estranged from his family for 3-4 years prior to his death. We didn’t have any kids together either. If you need to someone to talk to about anything I’m providing you with my shoulder to lean on.

 

Good Morning Everyone ! Thanksgiving is coming up again and I wanted to wish everyone a great upcoming Thanksgiving on the Canadian side and for the November Thanksgiving to our friends south of the border
I find that I still cry and reflect alot about Brent, but as time goes by, the pain lessens a little. You will never lose the pain, but I think it becomes more manageable and you realize that there is nothing that can be done about the past, and they would want you to move on and stop dwelling in the "muck" that is grief. I am travelling with my Son and starting to do more for "myself" - like losing weight, treating myself to some care items that I would have never bought when Brent was alive. My outlook towards the future is changing and I am starting to realize that even though he may not be here anymore, he is always "there" for me to talk to and guide me towards the happier side of life and enjoy it with my Son, while I'm still here. He will be there when it's my turn to go to the other side and I know that the hug that I so desperately yearn for now, will be given to me then Until that time, I will do the best I can and show him that I'm the strong little trooper he always thought I was ❤️
Have a happy day everyone !!