The loss of my mother

Yesterday I found out my mother killed herself. My uncle found my mom in her running car in the closed garage. I just pulled up as the police were investigating. They were treating the area as a crimescene, the police had to make sure there was no fowplay. There were suicide letters but don't know if and when we will see them corners office took them. Shock from my head to my toes, I felt paralyzed. I knew she was in pain and there was nothing I could do. My mom had attempted suicide two other times in her life that I know of. She has struggling with many demons over the years sexual abuse as a child, addiction, and depression. All my life my mom has been an addict addicted to meds, gambling, spending money, and alcohol, to numb her pain. My heart aches for her there is nothing more heartwhrencing than to not be able to help the one you love. My mom told me she wasn't drinking anyone after she got a dui in the winter and hit a telephone pole. Then July 14th my brother who was 41 years old overdosed. My mom took it really hard she was flew home from Texas where she was visiting with her sister to stay with me, and plan services for my brother. During that time she really struggled and on one night after coming home from going thru my brothers things she snapped at me for nothing in front of my 16 year old daughter. I know she didn't mean it and she was processing many emotions as was I with the loss of her son and my brother. That night I found a bottle of liquor in my mom's bag and confronted her and told her she could not stay at my house if she was drinking, I felt horrible and needed to thought to protect my family. My mother was angry with me during the service for my brother because she had got dollar store decorations after I asked her not to because I was doing everything else I did posters and food and decorating for his celebration of life. She was mad at me for not bringing the things she bought which we did not need, I had it covered. At the end of the night she grabbed his urn and tried to run March out of the facility where the celebration was held. I explained to her that she could not take right now because he has three daughters that I wanted to get necklaces made for with his ashes. She handed his ashes to me and left very upset. I feel awful that this is the last time I saw my mother. She went back to her house with her emotionially and verbally abusive boyfriend. In the coming weeks her boyfriend suffered a stroke. I did not stop over because I hated the guy he was toxic and no good for my mom. I heard from some family that her boyfriend got really mean after the stroke and she kicked him out last Sunday. I should have stopped over and been there for her to lean on. I have so much guilt right now. I know I have a long road of recovery ahead I was still trying to process the loss of my brother from his overdose and now my mother's suicide. Always be kind and share a smile In your passing with others you never know what struggles they are facing. Live one moment at a time and try to find gratitude in all you do. Today I will have gratitude for the memories I have of my mother and brother. Their suffering is ended and now they are together. Thank you for taking the time to read my story I hope this helps some one else dealing with loss of their loved ones.