The Empathy Paintbrush that leaves behind Invisible People

Is empathy a spiritual gift, a passing emotion yielding mixed results, a life's mission, an obligatory response, or an invisible ink? I'm hoping to begin a conversation here to better understand how others feel about the empathy they received in grief. The lack of it has been a disappointing experience for me, and the more time that has passed since my loss I've noticed my perspective changing. I did go through a phase where I made excuses for it - the lack of empathy. But it's been a rollercoaster, bitter some days, trying to understand the awkward nature of it from well-meaning people, to being on the cliff of depression wondering about irrelevance. The more I've thought about this the more I became convinced of a serious lack of empathy in society today, and not limited to those in grief. I feel powerless to do much about it, for myself, leading me right back to giving again. It feels like an elusive call for justice, like a pass interference penalty that should have been called in the 4th quarter that cost your team the game. That's the whole point - losing.

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't care if it's the middle of the night. I'm here...to give when it matters.

 

Hello Thomas, I was particularly touched reading your post, your feelings are exactly the same as what most of us here have experienced. When I joined this site about two years I was so relieved to finally talk to people who understood me, related to me, I received enormous empathy from them because they were going through the same grief. Sharing our pain with others "in the same boat" has helped me so much, I really needed to open up to others who knew what I was going through. Empathy is a special gift that not everyone has, if you don't already have it, you automatically obtain it when you are suffering the same situation, going through the same emotions as the person you're talking to. I admit that before I suddenly lost my husband to a heart attack three years ago, I had no idea what to say to others I had met in my life who had experienced the same loss. I have received "nonsensical", "meaningless" comments/suggestions from friends, acquaintances and family, but I forgive them, I was the same before, I understand that they can't possibly understand me. Like the famous poet Keats wrote: Nothing ever becomes real till it's experienced.

We are all here to listen to you when you wish to share and receive an understanding ear.
Rose.

 

Thank you Rose for sharing this. The question of empathy is a complicated one for me. What makes it complicated is the frustration that existed before my loss. That frustration centered on the way I've lived my life. I mentioned a life's mission but separate endeavors like commitments to faith - the ministry for example, with other kinds of devotion, like serving in the Peace Corp, or taking on a career in medicine, even sacrificing one's interest to care for animals. The linking cause is caring about the outcome. It wasn't often I've found myself in a position where I needed to be comforting for someone. I had a colleague who shortly after leaving the company lost her husband in a motorcycle accident. I went to the funeral with others who had also worked with her, but I couldn't bring myself to address her personally. It was such a big mistake.

I don't know if making excuses for the lack of empathy was forgiveness. It makes me think, and yet I know intellectually that if it were authentic forgiveness that would be the end of the pain. Suppose it was. Then why do I find myself hurting all over again? It's just more, a lot more than comfort during the shock of loss. My loss was unexpected, and immediate and a traumatic experience for me. The helplessness of it deserved so much more than I received. The consequential nature of the loss demands even more. Forgiveness should cleanse the hurt, but the consequences from loss leave enduring pain. Think of someone serving in the Peace Corp, living in a tent for a year or more perhaps. Can you imagine any scenario where such a servant would ever surrender empathy for someone's plight when they've given all they can? I can't relate to something like that. Getting beyond the need to care defines one's life. Empathy is a sustaining matter to those in grief. This is why I am here, to learn as much as I can so I do not fail others when it matters the most.