Sudden and unexpected

Lou,

You did it again, got me to smile... I'm glad you and Adam enjoy each other's company. I've been using the "EF Bomb" way too much lately... I am determined to get this seemingly endless emotional roller coaster moving again, back much closer to the top of the ride. Wait!!!, I think that might a bit too difficult right now, but any movement headed towards the top would be a definite improvement, TU!!! I want more than anything for Bob to be proud of me. I didn't sleep much last night and was so exhausted today that I skipped my walk, this makes two days in a row. Tomorrow I WILL take a long walk!!! I will do this because now I've told you and all of TGW I'm going to do this, get myself back on track. Not getting some form of exercise in daily is so unlike me.

Backing up a bit, I think eventually we will be able to talk to each other in person. I really want/need to visit home before making any decisions about where I want to live. I'm just way too emotionally fragile to be able to handle it any time too soon. My friends are constantly trying to get me to visit home. They think I would feel better if I spent some time with them. They don't "get" it. I hope they never end up on this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions... where just about everything and anything can be a trigger for tears... I'm so glad that for now, most of my tears are finally happy mixed with sad (thank you Robin!!!). However, I think the first time I visit home, they'll probably be mostly sad. So, I'm apologizing w a y in advance because I just might be an emotional train wreck when we get together. At least you can't say that I didn't warn you, lol!!! I'm adding Ann to the growing list of people I would like to meet. I'm so glad you have so many supportive people in your life, another one of those TU!!!

Stopping here while my chrome book seems to have some energy. It's strange, I really think the problem has something to do with too many people in my area being online at the same time. I'm thinking maybe I notice it more now, since Bob's death, because before he died, I was never online so much of the time. I'm thinking that if my chrome book was about to bite the big one, it would be in super slo mo mode all the time. I'm going to do some research online tomorrow, that is if I can get at least a good solid 3-4 hours of sleep.

I need to catch up on what's been happening around here, plus I still want to reply to Karen while I can.

If this is the last time I "talk" to you tonight, I hope you are able to get some quality sleep. I hope all of us are able to get some quality sleep, TU!!! (the final one for the night.)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I hope your eye doctor gave you some good news... hoping that black eye is history ASAP!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Well, Gary, your comment, me a godmother, Hum! the polls will change soon. For some reason that peaceful look Cheryl had and had when she was four years old says something, don't you think so?
Yes, keep upright and do more than just function. It's been 3 years for Lou to get to this point. If we all strive for "just' not functioning in our months and years ahead there may be a future for us as is for Lou.

 

Deb, don't be pressured to go back home now. It's only been almost 7 months of baby steps. I went back to Jack and my last home in Sept and it was not a good time for me. I feel I would need another year to even think of going back. It was way too painful and affected me when I got home for weeks. So, go only if you're ready and I mean when YOUR ready.

 

You continue to honor me, Gary, and I
finally accept the honor. As my grief
counselor said, I've become a "people
person" out of necessity, to break out of
my loneliness. A married woman I know,
was crying in my local bar recently. I asked
her what was wrong, and she said her
father had just died. I put my hand on her
shoulder, said how sorry I was, & shared
my grief over Linda. Then, we cried a
little together. She told me about Center
for Loss, which sent her a different
quotation on grief , via email, to her
email address. She suggested I try it. Now,
I've passed it on to TGW. Lou

 

Deb, that would be truly amazing if we
could meet in person. Don't worry about
being an "emotional trainwreck". I'll
stock up on kleenex, and provide a listening ear and, of course, hugs. Just as
I did with Steven & Betsy, I'd show you
all the places & people I tell you about.
Hope you get some sleep tonight and a
good walk tomorrow. Lou

 

let
Karen,

First, sending lots of hugs your way... Reading you message has me in tears... I wish so much we could get together in person... I know how difficult it was for me to watch Bob fight as hard as he did. It makes me cry knowing that Jack fought just as hard as Bob did, and that neither one of them would open up to us... Bob was so stoic, even when talking to his very closest friend, who had been his best man at our wedding. It broke my heart because Bob's best friend was planning to visit us at the end of the spring, beginning of the summer. I guess it just wasn't meant to happen. Backing up just a bit, the very last time Bob and his best friend talked over the phone, I heard Bob tell him he was looking forward to seeing him, and really glad he was going to be here soon. Their last conversation happened around the same time that Bob finally told me it was okay if I asked his doctor to order a hospital bed for him. This makes me feel even more sure that Bob knew he wasn't going to be "on the right side of the dirt," much longer. It makes me so sad... there are so many things that were left unsaid between us because he wanted to be so strong for me, he didn't want me to be sad. I've already gone gone through a bunch of tissues as I'm "talking" to you. I know you "get" it, but I wish so much, you didn't have to.

I know Bob and Jack loved us with all their hearts, they were trying to protect us... I wish so much that Bob would have opened up to me more. I HATED!!!, TU!!! watching him suffer so much, knowing he had to have been in so much pain, yet all he wanted to do was to take care of me the way he always had in the past. It makes me so sad for you too, knowing that Jack and Bob were so alike in this way.

Karen, I know you're right. Bob would be very happy knowing that my son and I were going to make some new "memories." I like how you put it, "experiencing a newness life has to offer." This reminds me of what Mary told us, what seems like a lifetime ago, that as we experience new adventures, we will begin to grow around our grief. I love the description she gave us of the ball remaining the same size, but with every new experience, the square surrounding it gets bigger, You and I, and all of TGW CAN AND WILL grow around our grief!!! I am so very grateful for your friendship, for the friendship of all of TGW, TU!!! It feels so good to be surrounded by so much support, so much love... I can't stop crying...

Backing up a bit, I wish you could join my son and I!!! I'm so very glad that you have your daughter to lean on. I'm so very glad you don't have to do this alone... I hope that during the holidays this year, at least one, if not more than one of the times you smile, it'll be a real smile, not a fake, forced smile...

Sending many more hugs to you and Rambo, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

Thank you so much for your advice and for sharing how you felt when you returned home for the fist time. My heart is breaking for you because I can't even begin to imagine how painful that must have been... I am going to remember this conversation and think about it often. While my friends mean well, as I said a little while ago, they just don't "get" it.

I hope you get some quality sleep tonight...

Sending more hugs to you and Rambo, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

You're making me cry, but only in the best of ways... I think you might need an entire case of tissues... However, I think we'll also share lots of laughs too...
As I'm "talking" to you, it just started pouring. I hope it stops by tomorrow morning.

Sleep well...

"Talk" tomorrow...

As always, sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

YES, Deb, thank you, my doctor called
tonight & said it was a common side
effect & will go away on its' own. I told him
that, in the meantime, people will think I
was in a fight, and he chuckled. Lou

 

George,

Bob's father served in the Navy and fought in the Pacific during WWII. Bob told me that when the atomic bomb testing was being conducted, his father witnessed it while out at sea. Bob said his father wouldn't/couldn't talk about it. So, this is all we knew.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace, DEB

 

Gary,

When you said that Cheryl's death only lasted 56 hours, it made me cry. It doesn't matter whether it was 56 hours, or many years, it just SUCKS!!!, TU!!!. You were hurting every bit as much as I was. I agree that it helps to talk about this and to spread the trauma out. I'm so grateful to be part of TGW... I don't think I could handle this without all of you, TU!!! (last one of the night.)

I hope you manage to get some quality sleep...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I really know very little. He didn't talk about it and he died when I was 6. My intro to Grieving!

 

Lots of hugz and love to ya Deb! All we can do is keep going one day at a time. I have been reading old journals from 14 years ago. I miss my wife. I'm glad you can go on a trip. If I could do that it would be fun I think. Just like JS mentions in TWNotebook. N'Lakech!

 

George, I'm really sorry you had no father
growing up. I did, but, in some ways, he
was like Jonathan's father. He could be irritable and narcissistic. His good qualities
were his love of trying new places and
appreciating the ocean. He was often
annoyed with people, including my
mother. I believe I'm a kinder, more
loving man, who took after my grandfather
( mother's father), who had a warm
relationship with my grandmother. I'm
very lucky to have known them. Lou

 

Thank you for helping our friend, Deb. I think the emotions of Veterans Day, took
its' toll, bc I'm having a delayed reaction
today. I was crying this morning , to
every song I played on my phone. Usually,
it's the beautiful voices of some female
singers who get to me. But, today, it was
the male vocalists. Perhaps it was being
among the " band of brothers" yesterday.
I never had a brother, and my father was
not the warmest. I wonder if he would
have been better off with no son. I listened
to a deep voiced, sad Eric Burton singing
House of the Rising Sun, and Johnny Cash
singing Folsum Prison Blues, and cried,
just like I did right after Linda died. As
we know, grief is not linear. It zigzags.
We never know when Mr. Grief ( Karen's
term) will "come knockin'". Lou

 

Hello to everyone, I’ve been off here for a bit and feel so behind. I’m not getting email alerts and the site is fighting me. Afraid I’m not in the mood to deal with it lately. 17th is fast approaching. I know I’ll get through but days leading up to it are pretty difficult for me. I know Lou has the 3 year anniversary of Linda passing 2 days later. How are you holding up Lou? I’m having miserable stormy weather today, kind of fitting I guess. Lots of rain and very windy with warning of tornadoes. Tornadoes are so rare here I’m not concerned about that too much. I think you’re having this fun weather too Lou.
Deb, I think I saw someone make mention of your son wanting to go somewhere for the holidays? Like I said I’m very behind because of how the site is messing everything up. Wanted to check in and try to catch up some.
Hope everyone has a better day each day. Robin

 

Robin, I think our weather patterns are
similar, just like our sad death anniversaries of our spouses. Gray, rainy,
wind advisory today. but it didn't stop me
from going to Two Little Birds Eatery,
across from beach, for breal

 

I don't remember much good about him... just getting whipped with the belt a lot and the time he exploded all over the place cuz I was so proud that mom taught me sewing and I showed him and he went ballistic. I think I was around 4? He was like born around 1916 so he was already pretty old to a little kid. I also remember endless hospital visits and seeing him die. Thatz my intro to life. As you can see not in a good spot today. Very upset, moving W/o Valerie is freaking me out now! I'd go for a walk but it is cold and insanely windy. I wish I could distract myself with some fun but I have no clue what that is... Need strength today; and warmth!