Sudden and unexpected

George,

You have had to endure way too much stress and heartache for way too long... Riding on this seemingly endless roller coaster of emotions, which seems to be stuck on the bottom of the ride for way too long, just SUCKS...!!! Thanks for the smile, Lou, Gary, and now you, have made me smile, on one of the worst days I've had recently. I've "EF bombed away" at least several times on this site recently.

I didn't sleep last night and was so exhausted that I skipped my daily walk. I should have done what I usually do when I wake up just as fried as when I went to bed, I should have put on my walking shoes and hit the pavement. I did some much needed yard work today, and while it felt good being outside, it didn't really make me feel any better. The garage was Bob's "man cave," and I had to spend way too much time in there today. The garage still has some of Bob's "personality" left, the pictures he hung on the walls, etc., still there. I was teary eyed every time I had to go in there for something.

I hope you manage to get some quality sleep tonight. I hope all TGW get some quality sleep tonight.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I'll look for that story about the woman you met at the bar after Linda's death, as soon as I finish "talking" to you here. However, I apologize in advance, because my chrome book while working, is once again stuck in super slo mo mode, so it might be one of those super short messages. (Thinking about Bob right about now as usual.) I wonder why my son thinks it has something to do with my chrome book and not the internet, because there are times when my chrome book seems like it got that much needed hit of caffeine. Speaking about my son, he'll be arriving mid afternoon on December 24th. He has the biggest heart, is a super good listener, who always has something to say that seems to help me feel a bit better. Plus, he can really make me laugh, TU!!! I can't wait to see him, TU!!! I know I'm going to give him the biggest hug ever, and that he'll probably be a teary mess by the time I let go...

It sounds so depressing... the Neck being so deserted. I'm glad that Adam's store is open year round so you can visit and share some laughs together. Laughter is another one of those things I used to take for granted, but never will again. I HATE!!! this bittersweet life that's been forced upon all of us, TU!!! Even though I got plenty of fresh air and the yard is looking much better, being outside didn't help me as much as I thought it would. The garage still has Bob's "personality." It was his "man cave," and before he began to get really sick, he hung pictures on the walls, put a few things on the shelves that had some sentimental value, and of course there's that sign he had made for our business so many years ago... I cried every time I had to go into that garage.

I'm glad that you're taking the bus to Gloucester and doing everything you can to make the most out of each and every day. I know I keep saying this, but it makes me happy for you, knowing how happy Linda would be, knowing that you're "choosing life." I hope you make some friends in Gloucester. Being lonely SUCKS!!!, TU!!!

I better stop here and look for that message because my chrome book is now functioning slower than a snail's pace.

I hope that good feeling from those belly laughs you shared with Adam, is still with you. Laughter is the best, last TU!!! (for now...)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

If you haven't figured this out by now, I never don't always read messages in order, especially now with my totally exhausted chrome book. I try to briefly skim messages, seeing if there are any older ones I missed, that I couldn't respond to when they were sent. Before I forget to mention this, I won't be around in the morning. I'm getting my hair cut, and then I have some things I want to do while I'm out. It's strange, even though I'm losing more hair than I should, it still grows really quickly. Stress negatively affects us in just about every way imaginable, both physically and emotionally. Quick and to the point, grieving just SUCKS!!! Backing up just a bit, I should be around sometime after lunch.

I liked that part of Jonathan's book too. For some reason, although I thought at some point he would probably have a sexual encounter with someone, I never expected it to be with one of his former students. Sometimes I'm good at figuring out what will happen before it does, but Jonathan really surprised me this time!!! Lou, after a few too many drinks, it's understandable why you ended up at the Shack with that woman, and found yourself kissing her back. The two of you were lonely..., both toasted..., (notice how appropriately I used toasted here... I'm sure Bob wouldn't let this one slip by him either), a recipe in this case for an (almost) disaster... I believe everything happens for a reason even if we don't understand what that reason is. I don't believe that it was a coincidence that you and that women ended up together. However, if it was one of the incidents that finally made you realize you needed to give up drinking, then what happened that night, at the Shack, ended up saving you from yourself. Don't hate me for saying this, but if this is the case, I'm so glad, TU!!!, you met her, another TU!!!

For some reason, I'm thinking Allen Funt here, I think when you least expect it, you will meet someone, and the two of you will make each other happy. As I've been saying so much lately, when it gets right down to it, the only thing in life that really matters are the connections we make with others, the relationships we have with them. You have worked so hard to find yourself again... to find happiness again... You have done all the hard work and are now ready for a relationship. Although this woman will never replace Linda, the one true love of your life, you deserve to be as happy as possible. I'm smiling... because I know how happy this would make Linda, and I want you, as well as Linda to be happy. Thanks for getting me to smile... I really needed to, TU!!!

Have to stop here, even though I could keep right on "talking." It's taken me way too long to type this. I need to put away my chrome book for the night.

I hope you and every one of TGW manages to get some quality sleep, no bad dreams... no nightmares!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

Sending lots of extra hugs your way... I can't "talk" much now, I'm beginning to really hate!!! this chrome book, but I'm so sorry "Mr. Grief" refuses to give you any peace. I'm so sorry you had a bad day... My day SUCKED!!! too... Everything is always subject to change, so hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for both of us. I'm glad you have Rambo to keep you company...

I hope you sleep well tonight...

Sending lots more hugs to both you and Rambo, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you Deb and I hope you sleep well tonight too, yard work and being outside does help with sleep as they say. But, Mr. Grief has to learn to let us sleep.

 

Sometimes we just need to let the tears flow and hopefully feel some better after. I had beautiful weather today too, I meant to ask if you had a nice warm sunny day like I had here on LI. Hope you had a nice visit with your friends. Robin

 

Deb what a kind person you are reaching out and comforting everyone on such a painful day for you. Sending Deb extra hugs. You’re going through exactly what you’re supposed to go through. You are healing. It sounds like your nosy neighbor across the street is demon possessed also. I knew along time ago I would never survive in the city. I’d to have to live in the country but Now I am seeing the negative effects of isolation. Is there anyway you can position your car in the driveway to block her view? George there is a way you can reset your circadian rhythm. When you get up in the morning sit in front of a bright light 15 to 30 minutes every day. And go to bed at the same time every night. I learned that in the book insomnia solved. Thankfully I was offered more volunteer work today. it’s office work but it doesn’t matter. We had the largest and the best grief support meeting ever tonight. Almost everyone poured their hearts out. Every time I introduce myself and say I’m here for Cheryl I break down and cry for about 30 seconds. Then I regain my composure and participate. The meeting was so riveting I felt like I was in a dream watching a movie hanging on to everyone’s story. It’s the pain and sadness that binds us together in unity. The TGW are not alone and we will overcome. Lou I joyed hearing your romance story tonight. It’s always exciting to hear news like that. For right now life doesn’t seem so bad. I hope everyone gets a good night’s sleep. I love you all. Gary

 

Gary, I went to sleep early ( a lot of
walking), but just woke up to read your
post, inspiring & thought provoking as
usual. I like the way you can cry for
Cheryl briefly, but then be riveted by
the stories of others. I come in contact witb more people than you do, but I'm
not in a group like you. After I was
discharged the last time ( Valentine0 Day),
2020, from the psychiatric unit, I missed
being in a counselor led group, where we
cared about each other. Right before
COVID hit here , in March,2020, I signed up
for a loss of spouse group, led by a
hospice leader. After COVID, I was offered
ZOOM, buy turned it down, bc I didn't like
The Brady Bunch aspect. The kind hospice
leader avowed me to speak with her on the.phone, for a half hour , every Friday.
it was wonderful for this director to fit me
into her busy schedule. This was in addition to my regular Mon. " 50 minute
hour. phone therapy sessions with Bob.
I agree with you about not wanting to
live in the city. Been there, done that. You
sound more connected now, Gary, I'm
happy for you. Glad you liked my
"romance " story. It did remind me of
Jonathan's exciting fling with a younger
woman, even though my situation didn't
go that far. Maybe, this was a rehearsal for
dating someone else ----sober ----- down the
road. You

 

Thanks, Deb- Went to bed really early and
woke up just now to reply to you &
Gary, who enjoyed my "romance" story, as he put it. Your phrases were spot on :
" recipe for disaster" ( !!) and the Allen
Funt reference. As I told Gary, I think
my Shack encounter was hopefully a
forerunner of dating a different woman---
sober ( !!) , in the future. Well, back to
sleep. Hope you can sleep better tonight,
too. Thank you for telling me you won't
be around 'til noon, bc of haircut. I enjoy
my haircuts, and pedicures ( !!) as you know, by compassionate females. Perhaps
my talking with these women will make it easier for me to date down the road, After
25 years of marriage to Linda, I'm a bit
rusty and ,nervous," total understatement!!!",to quote the master!
Lou
"

 

Correction: Lou, not "You"!! Time for
sleep, after replying to you AND Deb.

 

Lou another reason I liked hearing your romantic story was because we were all herded up at the door getting ready to leave and somebody said something really funny. I said to everyone do you realize what just happened? We had just experienced a (LMSO) laugh my sad off moment. One of the regular younger woman looked at me and smiled and everyone laughed again. Three months after Cheryl‘s death I did my first volunteer project there. I was put with six other women digging out deep in bedded weeds. It was the first time I experienced the scent of a woman in two months. It seemed almost foreign to me. Like you Lou my female Interaction skills are lacking. I’ve always felt awkward at it. Your genuine humility has proved to us how easy it is to make friends and be yourself. Power is not by manipulation and control real power is gained by freeing our emotions and gaining a genuine humility. And understanding of the realities of life. That’s in the forward of permission to mourn. I just want to make friends without becoming a people pleaser. Thanks. Gary

 

Hey Deb... So sorry you had to encounter so many memories like that. Maybe itz good then that I started getting rid of stuff so soon because I need to move. When I see Valerie's stuff I feel just like that. It was brutal getting rid of so much but ultimately it is an important step toward healing I think. It was also empowering when I think now how I managed to get rid of so much stuff. Another very busy day yesterday with churchy grief group and D. Was so tired last night. Woke up at 2am again for a couple hours. But went back to sleep. G;ad I made ya smile! N'Lakech

 

Makes me want to get a haircut!

 

Thanks for the tip! I hate waking up in the middle of the night; 2-3 am. I go through this periodically, but itz especially bad with time changes. But I am patient and meditate and be aware of my breathing to try and relax. All the house stuff makes me quite anxious. My churchy grief meeting was ok. A little too much bible for me but thatz ok... at least the messages are about positivity and hope. I just like being around other people even though I really don't get much opportunity to say a lot. I feel too tongue tied! N'Lakech my friend!

 

It is so hard to imagine in hindsight what we could have done... I keep obsessing that I forgot to tell her I love her that last time when I went to dialysis and left her. I thinbk I did. We always said that to each other upon parting. I just don't remember that particular Feb 20... I must've though! N'Lakech !

 

Thank you, Gary, for your man to man
talk. I need the company of men and
women, to feel whole again. Linda knew
the value of my having a male friend with
whom to confide. I didn't have that when
we were married, and Linda,did not have
a female friend, unfortunately. Now, I have a few male friends, all younger than I am,
and we learn from each other.; N., 34,
ex Army ( who had PTSD, like I did when
Linda collapsed & died in front of me, and
Adam,only 28 ( but looks & seems much
older bc of tragedy in his childhood). Also,
Steven,54, a psychotherapist, who visits,
with his wife twice a year, and corresponds by letters, postcards, texts,
and occasional phone calls. When they
just visited in Oct,, Steven & Betsy met

me at my local Shack bar, where we had
met back in Nov,2019, a year after Linda
died. I asked them where they were from,
like I often do with tourists from around
the country ( haven't met anyone from
Indiana yet!), and a friendship was born.
Both of them hugged me, & it felt good.
It's been very rare to get a hug since this
awful COVID began, in March, 2020. Lou

 

George I think Valerie knows you love her definitely now. At certain times of the day I tell Cheryl I love her. I say to Cheryl it’s not your fault you had to die. it just had to go this way. there was no other path to take. Cheryl had hiking shoes and boots that were really muddy. I couldn’t make up my mind if I wanted to throw them away or clean them and take them to a thrift store. So today I cleaned them up. the dirt I dug off the bottom of the soles was like sacred ground. I knew it was the last places we hiked together. During the pandemic last winter I never refused Cheryl‘s request to go for a hike. Those nature preserves are very special now. Even the benches that we rested on are. Lou I made it through the chapter orphans on the widowers notebook finally. I enjoyed reading outside today. My friend at the grief support meeting had a lot to tell me last night. He said he almost broke down and cried when it was his turn to talk. I said haven’t you noticed how I ball my eyes out with my face in a handkerchief? I told him that’s part of the healing process. I can definitely call this man a friend. I took a deer decoy out to the woods and pulled my trail cameras SD cards. I feel relaxed today. Hope everybody else does too. Gary

 

Gary, so glad you were able to read The
Widower's Notebook. I have the book by
my bed, and reread some of the chapters.
I'm glad you cleaned up Cheryl's boots, .&
consider donating them. I felt a sense of
accomplishment, when I donated Linda's
clean clothes, right after she died. She
would have wanted to give someone else,
less financially secure, her clothes, bc we
lived in our car & knew what it meant to
be homeless. As for crying, a guy ran into
me at the Post Office, & asked how my
"better half" was ( soon after Linda died).
I completely broke down, weeping, when
I told him the horrible news. As I told Deb,
my face was partially covered by my
obligatory mask, hood, and sunglasses.
Fortunately, there were no other people
around, I told the guy that both Linda &
I liked him, about the only one we liked in
the over 62 apartment bldg. He put his
hand on my shoulder until I stopped
sobbing. I've seen him since then, but we
talk about lighter, even funny things in
our lives. Your mention of the bench on which you & Cheryl sat together, is very
moving, and is like the bench Linda & I
used, when looking out to sea. Louo

 

I'm cautiously optimistic about house stuff! Your story about the boots is so beautiful! It is such a legacy and memorial... this sacred soil. I love it. I think selling this house and moving forward is like a memorial. Valerie's last wish w2as for her two George's to be happy and at peace with the strife of the world. We still need to talk to our wives! I always do that too.... N'Lakech my friend!

 

Is your son named George also? That will be great selling your house and finding a new place to live stress free of the maintenance. It’s just a matter of time. I’m lucky to have you both plus the other TGW. A man said last night he was hoping to spend the rest of his life with his wife. And realized after she was gone his wife had spent her whole life with him. I just feel so lucky having the support system of TGW and the in person meetings. Sleep well everyone. Gary