Sudden and unexpected

Dear Ms. Understatement, I LOVED
diving into your TWO "books"in one!! I can definitely picture you, Bob, Linda, & me,
by the sea. Linda was seeking the sister
she never had, and I was seeking the
brother I never had, But, the reality is that
if we did have those siblings, there's no
guarantee that we would've gotten along.
That's why I asked Jonathan to call me
"brother", and he graciously did. For a
womanwith a supposedly "foggy " brain,
you recalled the details of the 2 women
on Friday. Jen was the divorced mother of
3 adult children. Joyce, was a kind nurse,
on leave, due to a scary diagnosis.Then,
in my seemingly endless desire to be
surrounded by nurturing, kind women,
of any age, I walked into a shop on the
Neck, & chatted with the asst. mgr, when
there were no customers. She told me
she loved my town and had a boyfriend
here, But, when she was younger,she was
married to a man, who died at 53. She
was so quiet & empathetic, that I ended
up telling my life story! I apologized, and
she said not to be, that she really enjoyed
our talk .& that she talked as much as me!
Cheryl. also said for me to come back
any weekend. It is amazing that the
women in my life range from Ginny, 97,
to Kim, 48, to Haley, 28, my barber!
Generally speaking, I find that the
women in my life seem to want to talk
about our FEELINGS, not just facts. There
are no men in my life as "deep" ( to use a
word from the 1960s!), as George & Gary,
bc, as you said, they "get it". Your trip to
the island, may just be the peace &
quiet, surrounded by the ocean, that you
need, Deb. Lou

 

Deb, amglad you & Gary are trying to help
& welcome new members. I've been
reaching out to Linda Bs, whose husband
died in a tragic accident on their Oregon
farm. After I "talk" with you, I'll get on the
thread with Allison. only 32. I also noticed
that Denise was helping Hanji. If I can
finally figure out how to "unignore the
content " from Deb, I should have the
patience to find these new members,
without bothering Karyn again!! Lou

 

Lou,

I want to respond to this message, but because I'm having so much trouble with my internet connection, I'm going to copy and paste something I said to George the other day. I totally "get" that sharp pain you got after seeing Linda's driver's license. Here's what I said to George:

"By the time Bob passed away, he was hardly recognizable. I remember about a year ago, my kids were looking at pictures of Bob before he got sick. They were shocked by the change in his appearance. It happened gradually, and started somewhere between the time he was first diagnosed with diabetes to when he had his first heart attack. Prior to his diabetes diagnoses, he had put on some weight, but he still looked like "Bob." Even at the very end of his life, he still had those beautiful blue eyes..., and even though his face was partially paralyzed and it affected his smile..., to me, he still had the most beautiful smile in the entire world. He reminded me of my oldest son's much loved teddy bear, "Teddy," who he dragged with him everywhere he went, that survived way too many baths in the washing machine, zillions of "stitches," lost an eye and lots of "fur" too, but through it all, my son loved him with all his heart... I've been crying as I'm "talking" to you... Going to stop here."

I understand why you needed to get rid of Linda's driver's license. I also understand why you chose not to see Linda's body after she had passed away. As much as I needed to see Bob one last time after he died, in some ways I wish I hadn't. I can't erase those images of him gone..., the tube still down his throat... wrapped in white... still lying on the same stretcher he was put on when he was wheeled into the ER the night before... The worst is when I wake up at night, and when I think of Bob, this is sometimes all I can see. I can't stop crying and need to stop here. This is way too painful, but at the same time, I need to "talk" about this. I want to keep moving forward. I want to heal. I'm so glad you're here to "listen." Thank you for being such a good friend.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

As alwy

 

I am still here but mega confused with the message system since I missed most of today. I went for a walk! The sky looked metallic in luster; the cloud diamonds! It was a bizarre sky. It was warm today! I drove around looking at some Apt complexes. Just to get a feel for the new area I want to move to. So stressed about the House. I went a whole day making myself be positive and shoving away the pain . Not to ignore it forever I still want to be sad and miss my wife but I need to move forward. I'm like talking in general to all theGWz! because this messaging system seems awkward. I'm reading all your posts I just can't seem to respond to all of the ones I'm missing cuz of this new interface.
In Lak'ech (thatz my new tag phrase! I like it cuz itz about empathy!)

In Mayan tradition, there is a greeting that many people working with Mayan wisdom know of. It is the law of In Lak'ech Ala K'in, which means I am another yourself (A modern day interpretation). It also means I am you, and you are me (A traditional Mayan interpretation). We have come to understand that this Mayan greeting is an honoring for each other. It is a statement of unity and oneness. In Lak'ech Ala K'in mirrors the same sediment of other beautiful greetings such as Namaste for East India, Wiracocha for the Inca, and Mitakuye Oyasin for the Lakota. It doesn't matter which culture you come from. But when one of these sacred greetings is given, there is always an action of placing the hands over the heart.

 

One unexpected side effect of the 2nd
surgery, is that it looks like someone
punched me & gave me a shiner, or
black eye. I took a lot of ribbing at my
local Shack bar on Friday night, and then
again, at the American Legion, where one
veteran asked if I were in a fight! ( at our
open house Sat am coffee). I guess I keep
learning not to take myself too seriously,
& "dish it out" as well as take it. Lo

 

That's right, don't take yourself too seriously. Actually if I was at the Shack I would of ribbed you too. But, on the flipped side of the coin, I'm sorry you have a shiner or black eye, I hope it's not painful. I don't remember if Jack had a shiner, been a very long time ago. A little ice helps, but mostly time. K

 

I like that George. You are me and I am you. The shamans believed all things are connected inseparably. Humans animals plants and rocks. TGWs Are connected inseparably. We feel each other‘s pain and know each other’s struggles. We’re like comrades in a life boat and the Titanic just sunk. we all pull together. I’ve tried to get on GIC several times today and just kept getting a server error. But eventually I got on. I’m glad you got out and took a ride George. it was clear here most of the day. I’m about 200 miles east of you. The nice thing is you can finally see the stars at night. I’m looking forward to walking out into the woods two hours before sunrise. I don’t know my star constellations very well the big bear the little bear Cassiopia and Orion are a few. Some ancient civilizations believed the afterlife exists in the belt of the Orion. My walks under darkness are about a week out. I got to do some of those fun things or being a homeowner today like power washing the deck and the Propane tank. The worst is the dreaded snow removal. Cheryl would help me with that. we worked as a team. That’s what I’m dreading the most is being stuck at home in the severe cold and heavy snow. I guess that’s why we reminder each other to take things one day at a time. Live in the box of space and time we’re in as the sand passes through the hourglass. Thanks Robin for that nice doggie video. Deb it’s good to see what a special bond you and Lou have. Lou where are you finding the new people? Sleep well grief warriors. Gary

 

Lou,

I can't even begin to imagine being all alone, not being able to get any sleep at all, suffering from PTSD, unable to stop those last horrific images of seeing Linda fall in that unnatural position from flooding your mind... If I lived close enough, I would give you the biggest hug ever... I always get teary eyed when I think of what you had to endure, especially all alone... No one should ever have to be all alone at the very worst time in their entire lives!!!, TU!!! It breaks my heart every time you tell me that you were alone, watching the most unimaginable horrific scene play out in front of you. I hope you know you can tell me this story a zillion times, I will be here for you, and "listen" each and every time, and probably get teary eyed, each and every time too. As Tom Zuba says in "Permission To Mourn," we need to tell our stories over and over again, until there comes a time when we don't want/need to. It's only by repeating our stories, that all these horrific memories will lose their grasp on us.

I think it took a tremendous amount of courage and strength to be able to reach out to the 8 other clients in that pysch unit on Thanksgiving Day. I'm so glad you were able to tap into your wonderful sense of humor and make others smile. Being able to smile is such an underrated thing, TU!!! By giving others going through some of the darkest, if not the darkest time in their lives, the gift of a smile, I think you are helping them in more ways then you realize. By getting me to smile, you made me realize that the "real me," (if this makes any sense), is still somewhere deep inside of me, needing to, wanting to come out. By getting me to smile, you gave me hope, hope that in time, I will be able to find some sort of happiness again. A smile can truly change the world.

I hope you're having many more good moments than sad moments this evening, but most of all I hope you, and every one of TGW, is able to get some quality, much needed sleep, another one of those TU!!!

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. I hope we never have to feel "unmoored" again, last TU for the evening. Sleep well...

 

George,

My internet connection still needs a major hit of caffeine, injected IV style is more like it, so keeping this short. The last message I wrote was a message to Lou, it was way too long and took what seemed like forever to type. However, I have to tell you I love your new tag phrase, "In Lak'ech," it's so beautiful, TU!!! I also love that you went for a walk!!! It makes me so happy to hear that you now know the area you want to move to and have begun checking out apartment complexes. You are making so much progress towards healing, another one of those TU!!! I know this would make Valerie so proud of you... I hope you are beginning to realize, as Gary said, you are TUGW!!!

I'm already stressing out about selling my house, deciding where I'll want to spend the rest of my life, etc., etc., etc., even though I'm no where near ready to do this. I can't seem to follow my own best advice and take things one day at a time, "baby steps." At night, when there isn't anything to distract me, I find myself stressing over this, many other things too, but stopping here... way too frustrating trying to "talk" with this over the top slow connection. BEWARE: When and if I finally figure these things out, I might be driving you batty, needing advice, and lots of cyber hugs. At least you can't say I didn't warn you...

One more thing before I go, I think it's necessary to "shove away the pain" sometimes. By taking positive steps to help yourself move forward, you are not "ignoring" your love for Valerie, it's just the opposite. You are doing everything you can to heal, and I think this would make Valerie very happy. I think you are showing your eternal love for Valerie, by doing everything you can, to take care of yourself the best you can.

Really stopping here. I can't seem to stop "talking" even when my internet connection sucks. (I can almost hear Bob laughing, he wouldn't let this one get past him without saying something funny. Surprisingly, he said he never heard me talk in my sleep.)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi, Karen. Crashed early, just woke up
(briefly-) at 11pm, my time, & checked my
messages,Thank you for your kind words
about my black eye, it doesn't hurt, but I
called my CVS pharmacist over the
weekend, and she said it was a common
side effect, but to call doctor on Mon. As I've said before, you're a funny woman,
and can kid me anytime. The 2 Friday
night bartenders, are 39 year old family
men.. One of them, Brian, called me
"ancient", at 72, old enough to be his
father. I pointed to my phone, and said I
guess I.'ll have to call my friend, Lyle, 75
a tough as nails Vietnam vet, who likes to
drink beer ' til closing while bothering the
bartenders. Brian looked. "hurt" ( fake ) &
said, "Lou, I thought you were my friend!
I wouldn't kid you if I didn't like you!". We
both laughed. I didn't call Lyle, but he
came in anyway & sat next to me. When I
first moved to this town, only 4 months
after Linda's death, I was lonely and
broken, when I walked into the Shack.
I was welcomed, but oversensitive &
easily hurt. The same, at the open house coffee at the Legion. They welcome me even though I'm not a veteran. They tease
each other all the time. They like me
bc I support the military, and can take a joke, at my expense.



I told them I had a high number in
the draft lottery, and didn't have to make
a choice about what. to do. Some of the
guys, who love the ocean, joined the
Navy, but later regretted it. Being in any
branch of the service during Vietnam, was
not fun, to say the least. My closest friend
there, is Roger, 92, Korean War vet, who
proudly wears his hat, as do the other vets.
We formed an immediate bond, bc his
wife, of many years, died about the same
time Linda did 3 years ago. I look forward
to drinking coffee with him every Sat, am
He's old enough to be MY father! Lou

 

Oh thank you Thank you! Deb for your words of hope and help!! I might yesterday for the first time felt a little kinda sorta healed a bit. I really keep shoving away the bad thoughts. The more I do it the better I get at it. The best thing I can say is focus on step A then B then C etc... If you start thinkin bout K or L or Z and get way ahead of yourself; well then it just makes me shut down and want to stay in bed. and feel like I'm a failure. I try to analyze my constant brain chatter and then shove away those cognitive distortions especially thinking everything will be a catastrophe! And itz hard cuz I have been through several "Worst Case Scenario" situations and it just magnified the negative. One can't always have bad luck. I think one needs to create their own luck by being positive. Positive is hard for me a first year Gen Xer. We were taught by the media and peers to be cynically cool and snarky. I realize that is just wrong! Screw "Koolness" I want to be happy. I come from Generation Kool where you have to be better than everyone else or else they'll ridicule you and snub you. Well guess where this thinking got me alone and floundering. I'm working to change that cuz I can't help anyone else until I help myself. It was all about competition. instead of cooperation. I think the world wants competition cuz it means spending more money on useless crap so you can be Cooler than Joe next door with his SummerHouse and new fancy new Jeep. While my car is 13 years old! We are programmed to care about stuff like this. Even if you don't want to the subconscious message is still there. Persistence, patience and Practice are the three P's that matter the most to overcome this Toxic Programming. It is not easy there are many fall downs and steps back but One can indeed get p and move forward again. I guess thatz mindfulness. I wish TB could internalize this and he doesn't have to be in his 50s like me to get it.

Gotta do serious stuff today. Bank and take car in... I hope it doesn't cost too much!

You can pester me all you want about any kind of moving stuff... I'm kinda just winging it. Valerie was the logistics planner. I just improvise and act.

In Lak'ech Ala K'in for All TGW's for a Monday from EPX!!!

 

Gary it is so cool you can see the stars there. Here in the city all we have is light pollution. I never see stars anymore! Or fireflies too for that matter. Itz great that you can do stuff like house stuff. Since I'm selling I just don't care much. Not that I was into that before. Now I have no motivation. I just want out before the leaves fall. My trees are full and green still! We should be TGW shamans LOL. I dread snow removal the most. Have a wide driveway and Itz so cold . The cold seems meaner. more biting, more pervasive. I guess thatz aging shit., Oh well one day at a time one day at a time. I felt some ray of healing yesterday. Since I started my new life project Friday. I don't know whatz up but the internets seem really goofed up lately. This is not the only site I have troubles on. My DA account site keeps "Snapping" me! The screen disappears and it tells me Snap somethin went wrong reload... then you loose all you typed. Well gotta do serious shit today like bank and car maintenance!
In Lak'ech Ala K'in! Positive Daze for all!

 

Deb, thank you so much for this post. I get tired of saying to her you don’t want to lose weight the way I’m losing. This not a healthy way at all. She says something like that almost every time I see her. The second Christmas after Ron passed, she invited me to go in Home Goods with her. I decided to go to get out of the house. And sometimes she does offer positive support. We’re in the store and she says, can we be happy this Christmas? I need to be happy. Talk about hurtful. I wish I was in my car I would have left that second. I looked her in the eye and said, you can be anything you want to be, I don’t care. My life is a mess but you should be happy. That was so cruel of her. My brother and her young puppy had a heart condition, and she died suddenly about a month ago. Yes it’s terribly sad and I offered sympathy and support. And last week I invited them to join us for thanksgiving. Ron snd I always hosted every holiday. I like to keep things as similar as possible. That’s what works for me. Anyway, she’s like, are you sure you want me around I’m miserable to be around. My kids are staying away. I answered that I haven’t been myself in 3 years, just come for a relaxing day. Very casual peaceful day, bring your slippers. Later I talk to my brother and mention what she said, he said she’s been ok and was shocked at her acting like she so depressed. I don’t know what to make of her saying she’s so bad, except wanting attention. I left it open. Come if you’d like to be with family, it’s ok if you don’t. I hope my brother comes, he has come without her in the past. He’s been supportive for me for the most part. There were issues along the way but he’s there for me if I need now. I’ve had to cut all ties from my sister though. I have her blocked, email, cell, house phone. She’s been very judgmental of me and said some very cruel things. Believe it or not she’s a licensed counselor. Thankfully not practicing right now. But part of me needs to talk to her, let her know exactly what she has done and the effects she’s caused. I have another brother who helps if I need. Both brothers seriously don’t want me to ever contact her again. It’s a year snd half since I’ve blocked her. She had a falling out with my sister in law too, the one whose jealous of my weight loss.
Deb, I’m so glad your hair loss isn’t from your thyroid disease. I’m taking biotin too. I feel it helps.

another note, I wasn’t receiving email alerts for a couple days and they weren’t in my alerts here either. This site just doesn’t work right any more since the updates.
im sorry you’re still struggling with your internet. I know how frustrating that can be. I hope your son can chat with you while you I unplug it later today.
I’m struggling a bit lately, but still want to be on here I hope I start getting alerts again.
Thank you for your continuing support ❤️ Robin

 

George, you're a riot, when you let the
shit word fly. It's good to swear & get the
toxins out . I go to a 28 year old female
barber, who had to work doubly hard
through COVID, constantly spraying,
adjusting masks, wearing one herself all
day. One day, she erupted in F-bombs, and
we both laughed. She was embarrassed &
said her father objected to her swearing.
I said. "well, I'm not your father", and we
laughed again. One quiet day, I told her
about Linda, choking back tears, but it
felt good. The barber is an "old soul". Lou

 

Robin, I'd be willing to bet there are a lot
of estranged siblings out there. When you
mentioned blocking your sister, it felt
perfectly normal to me. When Linda & I got married, we didn't want our parents ,
or my sister at our wedding. I found out
that my sister was badmouthing Linda
behind my back. None of the parents
shared in our happiness. When my
folks died, I stopped all contact with my
sister, and never regretted it. Her loss. I
have to say that your sister-in-law is
extremely insensitive. One of the chapter
headings in The Widower's Notebook,
is entitled, "Stupid Things Said By Smart
People". But, based on your sister-in- law's
comments about your mourning for Ron,
I wonder if she could even be considered
smart. I've learned not to take any crap
from people who have absolutely no
clue what it's like to lose the love of one's
life. My role model is Jonathan Santlofer,
the author of this great book. He learned
the hard way not to take any crap, either.
If he didn't stand up for himself, he felt
angry with himself later. Lou

 

I swear constantly. I can't go two sentences without dropping the F bomb... I have this wild stream-of-conscious style of improvised speech and writing. I'm glad itz not too offensive. I gots ta be me. And not care or worry about being rejected, or derided. I always worry to much people will get mad at me. I'm trying to consciously stop this unhealthy delusion. Valerie used to hate my swearing... but then she didn't care as much. You should have heard her lengthy expletive fueled pain from cancer speeches. They were pretty funny. Especially when the pain was so bad she sang them. We sang F songs out loud together last winter! Your barber soundz cool like my fav dialysis tech Lexi with her bright red air and tats. She one of the few friends I have. I just wanna help myself be the new me o I cab move on and help others. Thatz whutz importanbt.

 

George,

Love your attitude, TU!!! To repeat what I think I've said more than once in my messages, When it gets right down to it, the material things in life don't matter, all that really matters are the connections we make, the relationships we have with others. Everything else is just frosting on the cake.

I hope your car surprises you in a good way, is "healthier" than you think it is, repairs are minimal... $

Any interest in your house yet? If you've "talked" about this somewhere else, I'm sorry, I missed it. The last I knew you and TB had to leave for a showing.

Backing way up, I'm so happy for you that your next move will be free of household repairs. This month I have a HVAC appointment and hoping I don't need a new heating system... $$$ Thursday I have my quarterly outdoor pest control. Just one of the "fun" things about living in the south. It is something you want to make sure you always keep up with, another one of those TU!!!

Hope you have at least one, but many more reasons to LMSO today...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George, glad you have a Lexi in your life.
I told Deb that I seem to need a lot of
nurturing women, of all ages, in my life.
I don't mind showing my vulnerability, as
a widower. If I cry a little,so be it. I fell &
tensed up a knee, to the point where I
couldn't tie my sneakers, or use stairs
without pain. I went to a rehab center,&
was greeted warmly, by. a young,
married physical therapist. Before my
exercises, I told her my wife died, and
quoted one of Linda's funny sayings. The
PT said that Linda must have been quite a
woman. I lost it, cried, and the kind PT
handed me a kleenex box. Lou