Sudden and unexpected

One does the best they can when they can but you are never perfect. I just need to accept that too... I'm not perfect and move on... Own my own shit. I had my greatest purpose when teaching; now what?

 

Hey Deb! Glad you like the picture, It was from 10/13/88 outside the courthouse where we got married when we got married.
Thanks for you kind message! I so want to grow and build myself. I never was alone before. It is hard getting used to it. I'm so glad I have such nice people like you to talk to. Much peace.

 

Thank you for that Deb, there’s always wonderful people on this site and it’s such a safe and comforting place to share thoughts, whether difficult or happy. Someone is always is here. To pick up the pieces or celebrate something positive. I’m glad some of the things Ive shared have given you hope. We all need hope. Im going down that path that we’ve discussed. As the anniversary of Rons passing approaches. I know I’ll be ok but I can feel it happening.
I did pay some of the hospital bills but it wasn’t a lot. I’m trying to remember, maybe $300 or $409. Might have been less but in the scheme of things that wasn’t bad. I also didn’t pay off our business credit card that was in Rons name. A friends of Staceys told her if the card is in Rons name only. In other words if when applying for the card they only used Ron SS#. I wouldn’t have to pay them off. I got calls from them and referred them to my accountant. Let him do the talking. Next thing I know I got a letter saying I didn’t have to pay. And they closed the account. Ron had ordered me one of those exercise pedal things. No idea what it’s called. He ordered it the morning of the day he passed. Bittersweet to receive a couple days later. But didn’t have to pay for it. That was on a different credit card also only in his name.
I do agree that those bills bring back all the sad memories and that’s the worst part of everything. Deb you give plenty back. Don’t you worry. There’s people here in many different stages. There are days I feel I’m not up to being the support person, I tell myself that’s ok too. You offer a lot to everyone here. I didn’t offer support I mainly just shared for a long time. And I didn’t join until it was 10 months after Rons passing. I only looked on line once before finding this site I joined somewhere and nothing came of it. I looked again months later and found GIC, no one replied for 10 days and I was about to give up when I finally got a response. And it made cry. Someone gets it. I’m not alone. Probably more info then you need, sorry. Hope you slept well. I had trouble. Got 4 hours maybe. Hopefully better tonight. Robin

 

Robin,

I'm not as brave and strong as you were that first holiday season without Ron, even though I know for the most part, you were just going through the motions. Karen, heartbroken over Jack's passing, was able to celebrate the holiday season even though she was just going through the motions too. Not even a month after Ron and Jack passed away, you and Karen were able to at least be present, even if your hearts weren't into celebrating, and somehow made it through the first holiday seasons without your husbands, your one true loves, by your sides. Stacey is doing everything she can to find some sort of happiness this holiday season, has already decorated her home, and will be going to Disney with her family. I know that Ron and Jack were very proud of you and Karen that first holiday season you spent without them. I know that Mark is so proud of Stacey celebrating her first holiday season without him this year.

I can't celebrate the holidays this year. I know I shouldn't use the word "can't," but this is how I feel. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into that dark hole, the one that I can't let myself sink all the way into, otherwise I'm scared I won't be able to climb my way out of it. As things stand now, I won't be spending the holidays with any of my children, and although friends have invited me to spend the holidays with them, there is no way I can. It would mean I would have to travel "home," alone... I've only been on a plane once without Bob in the almost 35 years we spent together, all of those trips, happy ones, the memories would just be too overwhelming, especially being alone at the airport, surrounded by so many strangers, on the surface, all of them looking so happy, so excited about reaching their holiday destinations... As you already know, I'm way too emotionally fragile to visit "home." If I were to go "home" during the holidays, my mind would be totally flooded with memories..., way too many for me to be able to deal with at once. I have no desire to spend the holidays with neighbors or acquaintances.

During the holidays everyone thinks that no one should be alone. I used to think this too. However, after losing Bob, I really think I need to be alone, look at the holidays this year as just one more day to get through. I know I'll make it through the holiday season even if I spend it alone. I don't want people feeling badly for me, thinking that they have to do things for me in an attempt to make me feel better. The only thing that would make me happy is if Bob could spend the holidays with me. I want so much to make Bob proud of me, but just as I said in the very first sentence of this paragraph, I can't celebrate the holidays this year. I'm so sorry!!! I'm the picture of doom and gloom this morning... TU!!!

Even though I'm the picture of doom and gloom this morning, I still have hope. I know I need to go through all of this misery in order to heal. Although from what I wrote this morning, it doesn't sound like it, I still feel like I've made some progress towards healing, not as quickly, or as much progress as I would have liked to make, but any progress is good. I know I have to be gentle with myself, and realize that I've already accomplished many things after Bob's death, that I thought I never would be able to accomplish alone. I know that everyone heals in their own way, in their own time. I know I have to keep thinking "baby steps," just take things one day at a time. I feel a little better now that I've poured out my emotions. I am so grateful that you are here, and "listening." Thank you!!!

I know (with this widow foggy brain thing, I hope I got this right) that November 4th, November 17th, and November 19th are the anniversaries of Jack's Linda's, and Ron's deaths. My heart goes out to you, Lou, and Karen... I can't even begin to imagine how difficult these days will be for all of you... Just know, that although there is absolutely nothing I can do to take away any of the pain, all of you are always in my prayers, as are all of my GIC friends. I will be here for you if you want/need to "talk."

Robin, please don't feel like you ever have to apologize for sharing your feelings with me, TU!!! I'm here for you, whenever you want/need to "talk." If you need to cry, scream, yell, or want to share some good news, or a laugh, I'll be here!!! I know that all of TGW will be here for you too!!! All of this just SUCKS!!!, TU!!! WE ARE TGW. WE CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!!!

Backing way up, I'm sorry you had to pay any of those bills, but like you said, in the scheme of things, $300 or $400 wasn't that bad. I already knew that I didn't have to pay off any credit cards that were in Bob's name, but wasn't sure about the medical bills. Gary sent me a message that I haven't responded to yet, and he said that he didn't have to pay any of the bills only in Cheryl's name, or any of her medical bills. I talked to my best friend from "home" (MA), she is a nurse in the NICU in a large hospital in Boston. She told me that while I'm not responsible for any credit card debt in Bob's name only, they can come after me for unpaid medical bills. However, they can't come after me for incorrectly processed bills, or for bills submitted past a certain amount of time. I don't remember exactly how long providers have to get all their claims to the insurance companies, but I'm not concerned with this part of it now.

I'm so sorry you only managed to get about four hours of sleep last night. I had trouble sleeping too. I spent most of the night crying, hugging Bob's pillow. So many memories of past holidays flooded my mind... The most difficult memory was one we spent at his older sister's house. There were nine grandchildren at the time. Bob, his sister's husband, and her two sons got on the floor, we "stacked" the kids on top of them, sort of in a pyramid/triangle shape (this probably doesn't make any sense!), but what I want to say is that it turned out to be one of those perfect pictures, one that I'll always treasure.., even though the memory is now so bittersweet (for now, only in my mind, I'm not strong enough to look most of our pictures). Stopping here (for now.) I'm starting to ramble again. I'm just an emotional mess, TU!!! However, things are always subject to change, so I'm looking forward to better times ahead... It was too cold to walk earlier, but if it's warmed up, I've got to find my walking shoes and hit the pavement.

Take good care of yourself today. I usually can't sleep during the day, but if you can, maybe it's a good day for you to take a nap, with Teddy cuddled next to you.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, You definitely called it, all I did was go through the motions. Thanksgiving was only days after Ron passed we had gone out that day and bought everything for our dinner. The turkey was thawing in the fridge and had to be cooked. My family stepped in and did it all. I asked my son in law to carve the turkey, I know my brother brought food that he had purchased. I don’t believe I ate anything and I can’t even tell you who all was here but my house was full. Ron’s funeral was the next day. Tears streaming as I write this. Then Christmas. My son flew back to be with Stacey and I and my brother and his wife came. I know we got a tree maybe 2 days before Christmas. I did it for my kids and to honor Ron. He’s a huge Star Trek fan, we have Hallmark Star Trek ornaments for miles. We made it a Star Trek Tree with a few of Ron’s favorite other ornaments. The lamb from a previous post made it on the tree too. And Ron also loved Mountain Dew, a Mountain Dew bottle became the topper. Christmas Day was pretty much a cry fest. I was able to do that because in my heart I was doing this for Ron. He’s my energy he’s why I get up each day. I need him to still be proud I’m his wife. And I believe he is. We all deal in our own way, I think I’d feel worse if I was alone and no one to share stories with, but that’s me. I am so impressed with Lou and how he asked for help and had Thanksgiving with strangers but it felt right at that moment. I don’t decorate like I used to but I put out the things I know Ron loved. One huge thing for me is I can’t sign cards, I just can’t do it without Ron’s name on there. So no Christmas cards, birthday cards etc. on birthdays I give the person a call. No tags on gifts I just can’t. Gives me angst just thinking about it.

 

Part 2 I wasn’t allowed to post my whole message. Yikes!

Deb, if you’re not up to having Christmas then that’s what works for you. If my son wasn't t coming from Florida I don’t know what I would have done but I’m glad I made a tree that honored Ron. You couldn’t get me on a plane by myself either. And Stacey, I’m so impressed with you too. Trying to make you home feel happy, and putting decorations up. Deb, no apologies for feeling down. You’re missing the wonderful life you shared with Bob. You’re wondering where do I go from here what do I do. This new life is scary and not what we want. But you’re trying, we all are, that’s something right there. The healing process after losing a spouse moves so slow that you don’t even realize if you’re any better. Deb, you don’t need to decide what you’re doing for the holidays right now. And frankly you’re right, they’re the holidays when we have our soul mates with us. Now, pretty much just another day. I try to make it more then that for my kids and I know Ron is watching. I can hear him saying what are you doing. Please live life, I’m fine and will be here for you when it’s your time.
I’m glad you knew about the credit card, someone told me that I didn’t have to pay the medical bills either. They didn’t for their Mom when she passed. I had already payed them. And now a friend told you that we’re held accountable for those bills. I don’t know.
I love your memory of Christmas at Bobs sisters house. Special times for sure. One day that picture will bring a smile. I’m glad you decided to head out get fresh air and make your blood flow. I hope that makes you feel some better. I need to head out and run a few errands so I’ll end here. In my opinion your not gloom and doom, you’re missing your husband and having a hard time figuring life out. All so normal.
Praying for us all,Robin

 

Robin,

As I've been saying so many times lately, I hope whoever owns the Kleenex Company appreciates us. I started crying as soon as I began reading your message. I can't even begin to imagine how horrible that first Thanksgiving was... And then, that first Christmas... The stories you shared about the first Christmas without Ron are way beyond beautiful..., but way beyond sad at the same time... So bittersweet. The Star Trek ornaments..., the lamb ornament..., and that Mountain Dew bottle tree topper... I can't stop crying. What a very special way to be able to include Ron in Christmas that year... I know you made him very proud and happy.

Bob loved Star Trek too. I used to give each one of my children and Bob an ornament that reminded me of them every year. The years that Hallmark let us personalize ornaments with messages on them, I had one made for not only Bob and our children, but for our dog and cats too. Every ornament on our tree had some sort of memory or special meaning, except for the ones near the bottom of the tree, because of the cats. After the holidays were over, Bob would help me take down all the ornaments, wrap them carefully, putting each one back in the box it came in, then pack them back up, into the big plastic green and red Christmas storage box. I don't think I'll ever be able to open that box again. I think I'm just going to have the kids go through it, each one of them taking the ornaments that I purchased for them, and deciding which of the other ornaments they want to keep.

I've been wondering how I'm going to be able to send Christmas cards this year. I feel the same way you do, I have no idea how I'll be able to sign cards without including Bob's name. After reading how you can't bring yourself to do this, I'm thinking I might skip the cards altogether too. We used to send picture cards. I used to love picking out the picture every year. Most times I would choose one from a family vacation we took that year. However, the first Christmas, when my daughter was only five months old, we had a picture taken just of the three children under the tree. My mother in law knit identical sweaters for the boys to match a pretty dress, headband and shoes, that I bought for our daughter. The boys included their favorite stuffed animals in the picture too. My oldest had "Teddy,"his favorite bear, and my younger son had "George," his monkey. Out of all the Christmas cards I sent over the years, this was my very favorite one. I'm still crying... It's taking me forever to type this because I have to keep reaching for a tissue.

I know what you mean when you said Ron's your energy, the reason why you get up every day. I think I feel sort of the same way you do. Life is a gift. Bob wanted more than anything else to be "on the right side of the dirt." He was grateful for each and every day, no matter how much pain he was in. He was grateful for all of the small things in life, all of the things that so many of us take for granted..., until our world is shattered... bits and pieces of our lives scattered everywhere, sort of like a jigsaw puzzle, only now, the pieces will never fit together..., in the same way..., ever again.

I feel guilty for being so miserable when Bob would have done anything to be able to spend even one more day on this earth. I know guilt is a useless emotion, but I can't help feeling this way. I know that like Ron, Bob would want me to be happy again. Just like you want Ron to be proud and happy, I want Bob to be proud and happy too. Bob is my reason for getting up every day too. I am doing everything I can to try to make him proud and happy, but the holiday season seems to have zapped me of most of my strength. I feel emotionally and physically wrung out.

When I talk to Bob, and I talk to him all the time, I tell him that even though I'm so sad now, I'm determined to make him proud and happy. I have so much hope for the future... I keep telling him that I will eventually find happiness again. I believe this. I have to believe this. I don't think we're still on this earth just to be miserable. Stopping here, once I start "talking," sometimes the words just seem to write themselves. I could go on and on and on like that Energize Bunny, but I don't want to make this so long, that the system won't let me send it. It's happened to me before. Thanks so much for "listening," for being here for me, for all of us.

I hope you got all the things on your to do list accomplished today. I hope tonight you'll finally be able to get some quality sleep.

As always, sending you and Teddy lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin, surgery successful, but need to see
doctor tomorrow about getting reading
glasses. I can't follow TGW tonight. Lou

 

I read you were having your second surgery today. Rest, drops, and we'll see you tomorrow or soon after you get your reading glasses. Blessings to you Lou.

 

Deb, surgery went OK, but have to see eye
doctor in the am, about getting reading
glasses. Have to pass on GIC tonight.
Lou

 

Lou,

Thank you so much for letting us know you're okay, especially because it's so difficult for you to read. I hope you can get your reading glasses ASAP!!!

Take the best care of yourself you possibly can tonight... If it's difficult for you to see well enough to read, I'm wondering if there are any audio books online... I just did a quick search and if you type audio books into DuckDuckGo, it'll list places where you can listen to books for free. I don't think this info will be even the slightest bit useful tonight, but decided to share it anyway - Just a thought.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin thank you so much for sharing your story. I don’t know how you got through that Thanksgiving. It’s great to have someone like you and Lou with the experience of on going long-term grief recovery. And it’s mind boggling it took 10 days before you got a reply on GIC. I only had to wait 36 hours and Deb came to my rescue. Three days after Cheryl died it was my birthday and 10 days after that it was Cheryl‘s birthday. Then came memorial day weekend. about one month after Cheryl passed the results of my psa test showed a biochemical reoccurrence. No treatment is scheduled yet. Just another thing hanging over my head. I feel like I have it made compared to what George is going through. Constant physical and emotional trauma. George is a role model to all of us. If George can keep fighting so can we. We just make the best we can out of each day that were given. On a lighter note I spent about three hours in the woods today. I had about 15 minutes of mindfulness. It really slows the hamster wheel down. I’m not successful every time I try though. I heard an acorn drop from a tall oak tree and bounce several times and then land right in front of me. No other acorns fell. I saw Cheryl in the sunset tonight. Cheryl loved the red and purple sky. Dear Deb I know you’re probably tired of hearing this but you are healing you are healing you are healing. When Zuba said he prayed the right prayers with the right people at the right time but still lost his daughter wife and son. Zuba said what he should’ve been praying for was a shift in perception. A think outside of the box psychic change. Every night I spend at least an hour next to Cheryl’s shrine. Lately I’ve been playing Cheryl a song on my phone. I pick up the porcelain doll that resembles Cheryl and hold her dance with her and kiss her. I think my non-physical relationship with Cheryl will last forever. As far as the holidays go I don’t plan on spending them with any friends or family. This is so hard trying to figure out who we are. how long is this going to last? and what are we going to turn into? And will it be like this forever? Our lives are shattered but we are not alone. Thank God for GIC and TGW. I hope Lou is recovering well and looking forward to reading more of his experiences. I’m sending all the positive vibrations I can muster up tonight for everyone. Gary

 

Thanks, Gary. Talk tomorrow. Lou

 

Thanks, Karen. Hope to "see" you
tomorrow. Lou

 

To all TGW...

Is anyone else still experiencing issues with this site? I can't get into my profile. It says I need to sign in, but I'm already signed in. I'm not getting any notifications either. I sent an email to Karyn Arnold a little while ago.

Will be back tomorrow... Hopefully, all issues will be resolved by then.

Hope everyone had at least one reason, but hopefully more than one reason to LMSO today...

As always, sending hugs, hugs to Teddy, Miles, and Guppa too, (Robin, Stacey, and Lou's service dogs) wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. I spoke to soon, decided to try one more time before putting away my chrome book for the evening, and I was able to get inot my profile.

 

First, Deb don't ever feel like you have to be with anyone on the holidays. It's YOUR call and no one knows how you feel. I relented last Nov after Jack died. The family wanted to bring all the dinner and all I had to do it open the door. I said OK. As the day went on everyone was laughing, cracking jokes and just being themselves. I know they were trying to make it the same holiday as always and to cheer me up. Guess what? All I wanted to do is go in by bedroom and be alone.

As far as tomorrow, 1st year without Jack -- this is how I feel. I've taken two days of misery thinking about the anniversary. On the 4th he died at 5:30PM in my living room in a hospital bed.
I couldn't say goodbye because I was in the kitchen when he passed. My daughter was with me. This is what I did, I called the family to let them know. I called hospice, nurse came to do paperwork and arrange for his departure to a funeral home. The nurse had the gall to ask me how did we meet? Funeral home came and zipped him up in a white gurney bag, I lost it then, but still a Robot.

Next day they came to pick up all the equipment. Me still a robot, immediately cleaned up, arranged the living room back to normal and slept in my bed after weeks of sleeping on the couch in the living room getting up 2-3 times a night for arranging his body for comfort and meds.
Next day to the funeral home for arrangements. My walnut urn didn't arrive in time so I had to have them put Jack's askes in a lunch pale. But, that was okay with me because I knew he would come home to me after cremation. After 10 days he came home to me his urn arrived and I made a special place for him right next to me in the computer room.
So, I don't know if anyone of you have felt like me, I went through everything as a Robot, seriously, numb and in shock.

How do I feel now? I'm cranky, short tempered with people with no reason to be so, depressed, like Gary said where do we go from here?

Thank for reading and I wish to everyone let's keep our brains working in the right direction if that makes sense. Blessings to you all, Karen

 

To continue: My Jack would be so profoundly sad if he thought I was still in misery after one year. I know he would want me to be moving forward at least contented. I have to work for that because I know that's what he would want for me. He loved me so much as I to him.
And I know our spouses would want the same for us. We will and we can, together, move forward.

 

Robin,

Slinky dog?! D'aww!! ♥ I hope Slinky will do great at the kennel so you can go have a nice break in January.

The Boys is on Disney + It's emotional, but very good.

Stacey

 

Lou, I’m so happy you’re surgery was successful! Thank you for letting us know. Take care of yourself and I hope your doctor visit goes well.
❤️ Robin