Sudden and unexpected

Gary, thought of you on this gray, rainy
Sat here. Except for going out to breakfast,
I'm staying inside for the 2nd day in a row. My cold is gone, but I still have fatigue and
I'm about to take a nap. I told Deb and
George that I'm watching Jonathan, via his
email address: jonathansantlofer@gmail.
com.It's good to see him smile, even laugh,
again, during his book tours & interviews
with other writers. Lou

 

Lou,
I’m having miserable weather too. Rainy and windy. Went out for a few groceries, so glad I’m back home. Dry and warm. Making bags for trick or treaters in case I get any kids. Ron loved handing out the treats, and seeing their costumes.
Glad you’re feeling better.
Robin

 

George,

Thanks for the smiles... I will never take even one smile for granted anymore, TU!!! I'm sorry that Saturdays are difficult days for you... Bob died very early at 3:45 a.m. on a Sunday. I "get" how you feel about Saturdays because I sort of feel the same way about Sunday mornings. Grieving SUCKS BIG TIMEM TU!!!

This is the first message I've read this afternoon, so I'm hoping that today is turning out much better than you expected it would, another one of those TU!!! I love that you're being kind to yourself. I know this would make Valerie happy. I think one of the best ways to help ourselves feel better is by being kind to others. I find that if I can do even the smallest thing to make someone else's day a bit brighter, I always feel a bit better too.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks, Robin, just fatigue left, so I took a
nap. I liked Halloween when I was a kid,
but not now. There are no children on my
street so I don't buy any candy. Every year,
on other streets in the neighborhood, the
families put out the same gruesome displays on their lawns. I walked by one recently that I could've done without: 6
skeleton pallbearer with hideous, ungodly
grins, carrying a casket. What kind of
message does this send, to young children?
Join a death cult? Am I the only member of
GIC who feels this way about Halloween? ,Lou

 

Lou,

My friend loved the book so much she is buying a couple of copies, one for herself, and one to keep around just in case she meets someone who she thinks would benefit from it. I have a feeling that like me, she's going to keep her copy on her nightstand and refer to it often. Thank you for giving me Jonathan's email address. It not only reminded me that I forgot to bring my friend "The Widower's Notebook," but also that I forgot to sign up for his emails. Foggy widow brain just SUCKS!!!

I am very glad that both Linda and Bob didn't have to continue suffering with no end in sight, even though it hurts so much that they're no longer with us. I believe that you were meant to meet Kim, her two children and her parents, and Steven and Betsy too, just as I was meant to meet my friend who I had dinner with last night. Like you, I don't believe in coincidences. We just need to trust in God, and know that Linda and Bob, are watching over us...

Backing way up, it's good to hear that you're feeling so much better, that you enjoyed breakfast at the Two Little Birds Eatery. Still sort of on the same subject, thank you for the laugh!!! That waiter got what he deserved, TU!!! I love how Linda would say, "don't mess with us!!" I would have handled the situation the same exact way Linda did. I was a server years ago, and like Linda, I never would have ignored a smaller party just because I would probably make a much bigger tip from a larger one. Poor servers can trash even what would have been the best of meals, TU!!! I want to tell you about my worst dining experience ever, but my chrome book needs caffeine injected IV style. It's going to have to be another one of those TBCs... I think I'm going to have to call my internet provider tomorrow. I can't handle it tonight. Luckily, I don't have the same carrier for TV, so hopefully I'll be able to watch "The Boynton Beach Club." Another one of those TBCs, but hopefully with a good ending!!!

I know tomorrow will probably be a sad one for you, with so many places closing on the Neck for the season. I hope it's a beautiful sunny day, and you can enjoy it to the fullest extent possible. I want to continue "talking" to you, but this internet service is making it way too difficult. If I don't make it back here later tonight, you'll know my internet service still SUCKS!!! I might drop by anyway because I can read messages, even if I have trouble responding.

I hope your evening is going well....

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I bet if we got the channel "Wicked Tuna" was on, Bob probably watched it.

Stopping here for now. If it wasn't for poor internet service, I think I could write another one of my books!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. Enjoy your pedicure... I love how you take such good care of yourself!!!

 

Deb, how could I omit the fact that God
put The Grief Warriors in my life, with
you in the lead, bc youseem to know just
the right time to contact me. Bc of my
napping on this gray, rainy day, I just sat
down to eat supper. I'll pretend that
you're sitting across the table from me.
In winter , when it gets dark early, I will
bake chicken for myself. Right now,
though, I'm buying frozen meals from
the line of products from Amy's Kitchen,
out in Petaluma, Ca. Have you heard of
that company? They have a variety of
GF meals. I like the Mexican ones the
best so far. When I met Linda, I was
working odd shifts, so I would go to an
Irish bar & restaurant near my work,
and eat "pub grub", and wash it down
with draft beers. On one of my first
dates with Linda, in a different place,
she looked me square in the eye, and
asked, "do you cook?". Instead of being
honest & saying, no, I decided to be an
ass & get irritated. That became another
classic line that Linda would use just to
get a rise out of me. I think I miss our


playful banter the most. In that way, I'm
similar to Karen, who has a feisty wit, as
do the other female Grief Warriors here.
I think you'll love getting on Jonathan's
email list. It's a thrill to see him smiling
& laughing with other authors. I'm so
happy that he's on another book tour in
different cities. It's great to match his
voice with the photo on his book jacket.
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for your
replies 'til after your Internet problem is
solved, but hope you get to see the movie!
Lou

 

Hey Guys,

I had a little meltdown and decided to (call my sister to come stay with our mom) pack my bags and my dog and head to the place on the coast where we (spent our honeymoon &) would go to breathe and be together, at least once a year for 39 years.
First time driving it alone. But I did fine. Lots of tears and talking to him on the way. Miles (our dog) and I walked near the beach tonight (there is a very long wooden walkway - with benches and viewing areas, etc - probably a 1 1/2-2 mile stretch). My husband and I walked it many many times, hand in hand, through the years.
Lots of tears on the walk too. But making sure Miles was okay, kept me distracted enough to not get completely lost in thoughts/grief.

I'm surprisingly okay and really not okay, at the same time. I don't even know how to explain it. (Maybe numb again - mostly - though tears flow often, the grief isn't totally consuming me). But I am not only missing him, but I'm also really struggling with what my life is (and is going to be) now. This isn't what I signed up for. We had so many years ahead and time together to look forward to. I can't accept that it's all gone. That I'll never talk to him again. That he won't be with me to deal with the hard stuff or be here by my side for the happy stuff.

Anyway....I felt like I hadn't had or taken or been given...any time alone, to be with him. To try to connect with him and deal with what has happened to him and to us. Since our kids are in our home of 37 1/2 years now...I can't go there to "be alone" with my thoughts and memories of him and of us. The kids live there now. They've changed everything. It's our big bed in the bedroom still, but they've been sleeping in it for months now. I can't go lie down on our bed and cry for him.
There aren't enough memories at my mom's. I can't feel him there at all.

I needed to come here to be alone and connect with him. Alone with myself and my thoughts and memories and grief. Not sure when I'm going home. But this is an expensive meltdown, so I probably won't stay too long.


I hope everyone here had a better day.

I read a couple of responses to Robin - though I didn't find it, it sounds like Teddy's tests came back okay? If so, I'm so relieved and happy for you, Robin (and Teddy). ♥

 

Oh Marcey my heart is breaking for you. And I’m afraid everything you say and how you’re feeling all makes perfect sense. I’m happy you have the strength to get away and have that alone time that you desperately needed. Okay yet not okay, yes, makes sense too. I’m glad your sister was able to stay with your Mom and you have Miles to keep you company and give you love. Sounds like a beautiful place and perfect spot for to you to reflect and hopefully feel the closeness through your memories. You’re right this isn’t what you signed up for, it was thrown at you, and now what? Everything is on hold, I still question what is my purpose. I’m sorry you can’t go “home”. But you have a lifetime of wonderful memories and you’re visiting a special place that’s full of memories. Hopefully this get away helps you think , breath and process.
You’re in my prayers. Take care. Sending you hugs. and yes, I got the results for Teddy, came back benign. We’re healing snd feeling about that.
❤️ Robin

 

Hello, my California friend, so sorry to
hear your heartbreak of knowing that
you will never have your husband by
your side, physically, again . It's taken me
3 years to face the cold, hard reality that
Linda is never coming back, EVER, as
Jonathan so painfully states about his
wife of 40 years ( about the same time
as your marriage), in The Widower's
Notebook. I told Deb, George, & Gary,
that I received an email from his website
today, bc I gave him my email address.
It is comforting to see & hear Jonathan
on video, talking & laughing with other
authors 4 years after his wife's sudden,
horrifying death in front of his own eyes.
I emailed a thank you 2 years ago, to
thank him for his amazing book, and to
tell him how similar my story was to his.
I told him he was like a brother I never
had. Jonathan shocked me by emailing
a personal, warm note to me 2 days
later ( which I wrote down and kept),
that he'd be proud to call me a
" brother" in mourning. I cried when I
read that. When I got an email about
his recent book tour about his latest
International mystery thriller, I wrote
to him again, this time to tell him I had
joined this GIC group. He was happy
for me, but pointed out that people
grieve in different ways, Jonathan
immerses himself in writing his next
book in a writer's retreat, going on
book tours & giving lectures in different
cities. Sometime, when you return to
your house, Marcey, you could get on
Jonathan's email list, too. His address:
jonathansantlofer@gmail.com. I've
been thinking of you & Karen, and
missed you. I know that Karen has
houseguests this weekend, but I was

worried when we didn't hear
from you. You were so kind to suggest
zinc, when I had a cold, after a storm
here, and I was rundown from lack
of sleep. I finally stopped the sneezing
& runny nose,took Tylenol, drank herbal
tea, "stuffed my cold", with plenty of
food, took my multivitamins, including
zinc and iron ( for my anemia), and ate
a lot of oranges, my favorite fruit. I
thought of you & Karen, bc I wanted
something easy for supper, and would
put a frozen, gluten free dinner in the
oven. Do you know the Amy's Kitchen
line of food products, out of Petaluma,
Ca.? I like their Mexican dinners the best,
so far. In the winter, I will bake chicken
for myself. As Linda used to say, "real
food", not frozen meals, or takeout. She
was right, of course. Homecooking is
tastier & more satisfying. It took me a
while to cook just for myself, but once I
did, I was proud of my accomplishment.
I've finally been able to sleep---a lot--
to make up for 2 days of not sleeping.
"Uncle Fester" move over, I've taken
his place. I crashed at 9pm my time,
tonight, so I just woke up to look for
messages, and was happy to see you
reach out to The Grief Warriors, in your
extreme pain & loneliness. I've been
emailing with Deb & Robin morning &
night. We all prayed to God for Robin &
her precious Teddy, who seems to be
OK. I've also "talked" with the other 2
guys in our group, George and Gary.
I'm sure they'd love to hear from you,
as well. Both of them are going through
a rough time. Because I'm a veteran in
mourning, bc my wife died 3 years ago,
and not more recently ( except for
Robin, whose husband also died
suddenly, the same time as Linda did), I
feel I can comfort others here. Thank
you so much, Marcey, for bravely
coming on here tonight. Hope to hear
from you tomorrow. Lou

 

Marcey,

My heart is breaking for you too. You are a very brave and strong person to be able to tackle your grief head on, by returning to a place that holds so many special and beautiful memories... of so many magical moments you and your husband shared. Like you, I struggle with being able to fully accept that Bob is gone, and wondering how I'm going to be able to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move forward. I try to think "baby steps," take it one day at a time, but it's way beyond difficult not to think about all the "what if's..."

I think you've taken a big step forward towards healing by being able to take this trip. I think this would make your husband very proud of you, and happy knowing how hard your trying to move forward.

I'm very glad that you have Miles with you... that you didn't take this trip totally alone.

WE CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!!! WE ARE TGW!!!

It's super late, I'm dizzy tired, so have to stop here.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Good Morning, Deb, I see that you were up
late last night, & helping Marcey. When I
was a cub scout " a hundred years ago", as
Linda used to say, we would have called
you our " den mother". I like your baby
steps idea. I hope your Internet is
working properly, and also, that you had
a chance to see Boynton Beach Club. I
would wish you a Happy Halloween, Deb,
but I know that conjures up sad memories
about Bob. When I was a boy, I liked
seeing the OLD horror movies, like
Frankenstein, with Boris Karloff,
Dracula, with Bela Lugosi, and Wolfman,
with Lon Chaney, Jr. I also liked dressing
up in costumes & going trick or treating.
Linda & I avoided going into nearby
Salem to be in the huge crowd of people,
in scary masks & costumes, on Halloween.
At first, the whole month of October
would bring busloads of tourists to the
"Witch City",Overtime, the month turned
into a year long money making industry.
The rich American history of Nathaniel
Hawthorne ( House of Seven Gables),
was shoved aside in favor of tacky,
ghoulish museums of witches, vampires,
and, our least favorite, zombies. The places
we lived did not have children trick or
treating, so we lost interest in the
" holiday", Unfortunately, we saw the
movie, Halloween ( the first one), but
stayed clear of Night of the Living Dead
and Texas Chain Saw Massacre. My
nightmares were vivid enough, thank you.
We looked forward to Thanksgiving &
Christmas, instead. We didn't like how
retail stores would tend to skip over
Thanksgiving, and sell their Halloween
merchandise quickly, and rush on to
Christmas. Well, as you & Linda would
say, I'll stop my rant & "get off my soap
box". My priority is to take my eyedrops
and be ready to be picked up by a
special cab on Wed am for cataract
surgery in my other eye. It truly is a
miracle of modern science that I will be
able to see clearly things in the distance
without glasses, bc I'm extremely nearsighted. I'm not nervous this time,
bc I've already been through this, and
the nurses, anesthesiologist, and my eye
doctor were all patient & kind. When one
of the nurses put eyedrops in my eyes ,
she commented on my "nice hazel eyes",
which made me smile. Later, as I was
being prepared for surgery in a gown and
ridiculous looking "shower cap", I told
another nurse how kind the first one was.
She agreed and smiled under her mask.
I surprised myself by saying to this second
nurse that she had beautiful eyes. She
said thank you and patted my arm. I had
a strange thought that I was "cheating" on
Linda. When we used to watch TV
together, she would see me looking at a
pretty actress a bit too long, and say,
sarcastically, "did you get a good look?",
and we'd both laugh. I guess I'm getting
better in my grieving, bc I can laugh
about that memory of Linda's words to
me, instead of sobbing. Hope you get
through today, Deb, and remember what
my widowed persons group said to me
about any holiday or anniversary: "It's
just one day, Lou". The group was right.
Tomorrow is Nov. 1st. I can't constantly
think of the day of Linda's death on Nov. 19. What I can & should do is to try to
enjoy each day, and not wish my life away.
I will be thinking of you today, as I do
everyday, and offer comfort whenever I
can ( except Wed morning!!). Lou

 

That was so Valerie TeeVee always on! Ha It's so weird the things you miss... I am trying my best. I hope you are doing ok too!

 

Deb you are the sweetest! Thank you... I am being mindful as much as I can. Can't change the past' the future is too unknown. How do I feekl right now... that's the thing. It is just so hard to do Stuff. I live by the two P's Persistence and Patience! Take care and much love to ya!

 

Good morning everyone. I don’t know if anybody watches the comedy channel to watch South Park? Ain’t got no Internet is a satire about the movie the grapes of wrath. Anyhow I don’t have any Internet at deer camp. but if I drive my ATV about 5 miles away and get on top of a bluff overlooking a huge undeveloped lake I have Internet. Marcy I am proud of you for walking through your fear and going to the beach alone and experiencing all those memories good and bad. Zumba says feeling our emotions is the key in our grief journey recovery. A shift in perception is the goal Zuba writes. He says we have to walk into the pit of despair and experience all our emotions. By softening our hearts we begin to comprehend the true meaning of life. I have been able to feel a little more of my emotions. Has anyone noticed the cover of permission to mourn how it looks like there a porthole through the abyss? Robin I’m glad to hear Teddy is on the mend. George it’s good to see you in good spirits. Cheryl and I used to watch American pickers all the time since she was an antique dealer. The oyster eating contest was my favorite show of theirs. Deb I know what you mean about Internet trouble. slow and no Internet sucks. TU!!! Lou glad to hear you’re feeling better and you’re getting out among them. There’s a pair of trumpeter Swans flying around me. The beating of their wings is Hypnotic. This view is breathtaking peak fall colors. all the animal and bird sounds. the lake is like a sheet of glass. the only thing that’s missing is Cheryl. I came to grief yesterday finding an old newspaper where Cheryl had done it suduko puzzle. I took a long walk in the woods yesterday with a canteen and a portable chair. I began to ask God Cheryl God Cheryl God Cheryl? Can anyone hear me and I began weeping? About 30 seconds later a Bluejay came close and started calling out JJJJJ. That was a sign. I have to put up a tree stand and hunting tent today. I’ll be off the grid a while. I wish everyone well. TGW Keep the faith. Gary

 

Hey Gary! Great to hear from you! I used to watch South Park, I don't know what happened among my 10 or so lost years. Things were one way and then all of a sudden they are like they are today... I keep asking myself "what Happened?" Maybe if I pretend or act in good spirits I'll really feel that way. I liked reading your peaceful nature descriptions! I think I'll get out! Have a good day my friend!

 

Lou,

I couldn't sleep last night, and spent most of it crying, hugging Bob's pillow, and with no "off switch," found myself stuck in memories...,, all of them so beautiful, but now so bittersweet. I feel like I'm sinking into that dark hole again, and I know I need to do whatever I have to do to pull myself out of it, because I don't think I can handle all of that darkness, that cold, damp feeling at the bottom of it, and am so scared of falling any deeper into it, afraid it's going to be way too difficult to climb out of. The words seem to by typing themselves and are flying off my fingers, so sorry in advance, there might be zillions of run on sentences, and this could end up being another one of my "books."

I didn't wake up until after 8 this morning, another one of those mornings when I felt glued to my bed. Right before I decided it was time to get out of bed, be brave, and face the world, I came here, and was so happy to see your message to me. I started crying because it just feels so good knowing that you're always here for me, that you totally "get" all this pain... No worries!!! Your message only had me crying in the best of ways... I'm such a total emotional mess this morning, I think whoever owns Kleenex should send me another case of tissues on the house, as a thank you for being such a loyal customer... Wait, I take that last line back, they should send every one of TGW a case of tissues on the house!!! I wish so much we lived close enough to be able to get together and talk over a cup of coffee... Even my very close friends who Bob and I used to vacation with all the time, although I know how much they want to help me get through this, I know it's really hard for them and they're struggling with what they can do to help me. I know my very best friend from "home," who I've known most of my life is struggling with this too. I greatly appreciate them being here for me, and they truly mean the world to me!!!, but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, they don't realize that there is nothing anyone can do except just be here for me, let me cry, scream, "talk..." until I'm totally drained, have released as many emotions as I possibly can. Suggestions from friends who haven't been in our shoes, while they mean well, just always aren't that helpful, even though I know how much I care, and I truly love each one of them with all my heart.

I know you totally "get" how I'm feeling by not wishing me a Happy Halloween as every one of my friends, and even my children have, as everyone who hasn't walked in our shoes thinks they "should." I wish they understood that there is no way today is going to be a good one for me, but it's okay. I need to be able to grieve in my own way, even if that means spending the entire day on the couch crying. However, it's a beautiful sunny day, but way too cold... If the forecast is accurate, it should reach a high of about 71 by late this afternoon. It should feel warmer than this because of all the sunshine, but it's going to be another windy one. It's okay, you can laugh at me this time!!! I'm guessing it's way colder where you are, and I think I would need at least several layers of Cuddle Duds, if not more, underneath my clothes and jacket, along with mittens, before being able to step outside. I'm not sure I would be able to walk too quickly in all those layers!!! Anyway, what I wanted to say, before I got sidetracked and begin giving you a way too long report on the weather, is that if all goes according to plan, taking a walk this afternoon is on my to do list for today. My neighborhood is having a big outdoor Halloween party tonight, and it begins at 5. I want to make sure I'm home way before this, I can't handle another person telling me that I "really should" come to this party.

I'm going to try to take only those "baby steps" today, just as I mentioned to Marcey in the middle of the night, or really very early this morning. I'm going to try to make it just through today, doing whatever I need to do. I hope taking a walk, being surrounded by all the beauty in nature, I'll feel a bit better by the time I get home (as long as I don't run into any neighbors who think they know the best way to help me, but haven't got a clue.)

I'm not finished responding to your latest message, but am going to end this one. I remember not too long ago, but can't remember who I was "talking" to, when I "talked" so much, the system wouldn't let me send my message. I had to cut it way down, leaving lots out of the abbreviated version. (As always, I can "almost" hear Bob saying something funny.) So, as soon as I make some more coffee, I'll be back.

Speaking of coffee, I hope you enjoyed another good breakfast, with all those breathtakingly beautiful views of the ocean as your dining companion, or at least one of your dining companions. I'm not sure if you made plans to meet a friend this morning.

Be back soon, but until then,

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb,
I just read your post to Lou. I don’t have time to answer in full. But wanted to respond quick. So sorry you’re going through such a rough patch right now. But i know you go for walks. If you can push yourself out the door and get fresh air theres a chance that will help you some! Fresh air and moving gets your blood flowing. I’m glad your friends and family want to help but don’t know is so common. Just be there, maybe have a cup of coffee with you. And listen. You know all that. Just reiterating. It good to let the tears happen. Even though it feels never ending crying is very cathartic.
Keep working towards better ahead.
Robin ❤️

 

Good Morning Fellow GW's ♥

Thank you Robin, Deb, Lou and Gary for your kind and lovingly supportive messages.

I think it was probably necessary to come here. Not sure if the timing was right, but here I am. I'm not sure if I will stay another day or head home in a few hours.
I'm not sure if it did any good. I can't feel him. And that is breaking my heart again. I'm begging God for help, clarity, peace, to be able to feel His presence or that of my husband (preferably both). Maybe it's too early to feel anything but alone. I don't know.

It is good to be by the ocean - no matter the circumstances. It was our favorite place to be together (one of two - the other in the mountains right by a lake - it was a toss-up for us, I think). And the air is clean. That's a nice change. But I'm not sure it's helping me feel what I'm hoping to. (healing - understanding - Him or him).

Woke up at 5 (after waking up multiple times through the night) and have had 5 cups of coffee (there was a maker in the room - the pod kind - so I went to the little local grocery store yesterday late afternoon and got my favorite coffee pods (Peet's), some half & half and some Coffee Mate sugar-free vanilla creamer. That's my favorite way to drink it. Peet's (Major Dickensons's Dark Roast) coffee (as strong as I can get it) with a little of the Coffee Mate and half & half. I'm a spoiled coffee princess. I admit it.

On trips, he would spoil me rotten. If we didn't go to the store and get all of the coffee stuff that we both liked, he would head out early to find a coffee shop and bring us back something yummy, while I lay in bed or got ready for the day. If the hotel offered breakfast, he would do the same - let me stay in the room, go get himself and my breakfast and bring it back to the room to enjoy together.
He took very good care of me. And I know it. And I knew it. And I was grateful.

At home, I did the waiting on him. And that made me happy too. I hope it made him happy too. I spoiled him at home.

I don't know what I'm waiting for. Something to ease my mind and heart I guess. Something. Anything that shows me that he still loves me. Anything that proves to me that, as he told me when he was in the hospital and I was suffering because I wasn't allowed to be with him (hospital visitor regulations) "we are never apart." I've been holding tightly onto that. I pray it's true.

I read and took in everything you all said to me here. Please know that I'm not dismissing or ignoring if I don't respond specifically to what you all shared. I loved it all. I just can't think clearly enough right now to respond to everything. Thank you for sharing and for your support.

Have to decide if I'm going to stay another night or are heading back today. Still not sure. Check-out is in 3 hours. I'm going to take Miles for a walk and see if I can make a decision.

My precious husband's name is Mark. My name is Stacey. Mark + Stacey = Marcey

I am so grateful to have found this outlet and you all in particular. God bless each one of you. Love you all. I hope we all have a healing day today.