Sudden and unexpected

Lou,

I haven't read anything past this message, but I'm hoping that your power has been fully restored by now, and that Kim will be picking you up as usual at 3 p.m. Your heartfelt response made me cry, but this time, only in the best of ways!!! I feel the same way about you, you are the best friend who I haven't met. Whenever I think about this, I'm blown away by how modern technology has made it possible for us to connect, for all of TGW to connect with each other. Backing up just a bit, I never in a zillion years would have thought I could have made real (maybe not the right word, but I'm still frazzled) friends on a website, especially best friends..., TU!!! As much as I hate modern technology, I also love it. I guess I have a love/hate sort of relationship with my chrome book.

You made me laugh when you referred to yourself in such a politically incorrect way, but and this is another one of those BIG BUTS, even if you think being "bananas," "a crazy old coot," as Linda affectionately called you, helped you get through so many unbelievable hardships, TU!!!, I still think you're one of the very strongest and most determined persons I've ever met.

Lou, you ripped the bandage right off of my grief, and by doing this, I'm now beginning to heal. You got me to open up more, to really express myself, share all of my feelings, while at the same time, always here to "listen," and provide me with excellent advice, giving me the tools I need to keep moving in the right direction. I'm grateful for our friendship each and every day..., TU!!!

Stopping here before I really get going. I'm thinking this is another one of my shorter messages. As usual, whenever I say this, it makes me smile, always trying to imagine what Bob would have to say. Trust me, he never let anything slip past him, another one of those TU!!!

Hope you're on the way to the grocery store.... Hope it's a productive and tear free or (mostly) tear free trip.

Talk to you later...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

I'm very sorry you lost your wife, and for your pain and struggle right now. I don't know all of what you're trying to accomplish, but I do know that it sounds like you're being too hard on yourself. From what I have seen here already, you ARE kind to others and from what you've already endured, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I understand the need to learn to be kind to yourself. I struggle with that too. What helps me, is to remind myself of how I would honestly answer someone I care about, if they were beating themselves up the way that I do. And then tell MYSELF that. I would answer them with compassion. I would remind them of how wonderful they really are and how loved they are, how valuable they are, and how important they are to others and to God. I would be gracious and kind.
I remind myself, if that's true about others, then it is also true about me.

I haven't had a lot of sleep and I've been crying on and off all day. So I hope that makes sense.
I'm just saying, please give yourself some grace. It sounds to me like everything you're going through is normal for what you're dealing with. And you are doing the best you can. (and I am reminding myself of this too, as I am typing)

We will all make mistakes. Say things we shouldn't. Not say things we should. Forget to do things we needed to do. Etc. So does everyone else. Even more so for those of us dealing with this kind of loss.

Another thing I've come to realize through this nightmare - being "strong" is continuing on, in whatever way you are able....despite the pain. It's not putting on a "brave face". It's getting everything done in a specific timeline or getting out there and socializing or never crying in front of anyone. Being strong is surviving. Whatever that looks like right now. You're here. You're strong.

I'm sorry you have to endure dialysis 3 times a week. I hope you have something positive to keep your mind occupied while you are going through that.

God bless You George. I will be praying for you today.

Also...a good friend keeps reminding me that: Stress dehydrates - Drink more water. I will too.

 

Thank you Patti. God bless you. ♥♥

 

Deb,

I'm sorry this took so long. I've been dealing with texts and phone calls and going through cards, and attempting to answer one post here at a time. I'm just not organized about any of it. So I'm doing things out of order.

Thank you for your compassion regarding my depression and anxiety issues, before my husband even got sick. However, God definitely gave me the strength to pull up my big girl panties and just do what I needed to do. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Merciful Lord, please let it be the hardest thing I ever had to go through! Me and my family and everyone here.

I'm very glad I found this site too. Thank you for being so sweet. It helps.

I hope you got everything done that you wanted/needed to, today and that you enjoyed some real smiles through it all. ♥

 

Marcey,

No need to apologize!!! Your husband's death is so recent. I remember all the things that I had to take care of when I was way past being a total emotional wreck and physically exhausted. Financial matters were the worst. I always paid our monthly bills, but Bob, although he discussed things with me first, took care of our financial future. I was totally unprepared to handle anything other than the monthly bills. I'm so grateful to one of our very closest friends who stepped in and helped me decide what to do. Starting to get off track as always, so getting back to what I want to say, please don't worry about responding to messages. Messages can wait until you either have the time, or really need to "talk." Take care of all the things you have to do, which isn't easy without enough sleep on top of feeling like your heart has been ripped in half. I remember, in the first few months after Bob died, feeling like I was functioning on autopilot, here but not here at the same time. Add in that foggy widow brain, and everything takes so much longer than it should to complete. Sadly, nothing has really changed. I'm still functioning in slow mo. I still have of trouble making simple decisions. There are days when deciding what to wear is a major challenge. Take care of yourself the best you possibly can. I'm not going anywhere, I'll be here for you even if it takes you weeks to get back to me. I "get" it.

Backing up just a bit, tomorrow would have been my wedding anniversary. I'm struggling... I know I'll survive tomorrow, and hoping that it isn't as horrible as I think it's going to be, but I've been crying on and off the entire day..., still crying..., I can't seem to stop. I miss Bob with all my heart... I can't imagine the rest of my life without him in it.... I want more than anything else to make Bob proud of me. I feel guilty when I'm so miserable when he would have done anything to still be "on the right side of the dirt." I'm trying so hard to keep moving forward, but it seems like there are days when it's one step forward, two steps backwards. Today is one of those days. I'm starting to ramble. Thanks for "listening."

I hope and pray too that this is the hardest thing we'll ever have to go through, that any of TGW will ever have to go through. However, right at this moment, I can't imagine anything worse than the total heartbreak all of us our experiencing. GRIEVING SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

I hope you managed to accomplish the things that were on your to do list for the day. I hope you're able to get some sleep tonight. Sleep deprivation just makes everything so much worse. We'll have to have a major celebration, a virtual party, when we're finally able to ditch that Uncle Fester look!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you for your compliment about
my " writing skills" which have been a
real outlet for me to express my emotions.
I have to condense my " ramblings" ,as
you put it, into concise talking points
for my Mon am phone therapy sessions.
On this site, the sky's the limit. If this
were a horse race, Deb & I would be in
the lead for our long "books". You &
Robin are right behind us. Karen is
sidetracked this weekend, but will join
us, soon. George is under unbelievable
emotional, physical, and mental stress
about his house & moving, on top of his
profound sadness over the death of his
soulmate, Denise. Patti is perhaps the
bravest of all of us. I'm not sure how well
I would withstand the physical hardship
she has to endure. Her unwavering love
of God, and her belief that her spirit will
be with Jack someday, is an inspiration.
Robin was fearful that her dog, Teddy,
would go over the Rainbow Bridge, but
now, she has been comforting us again.
The newest members, Marcey and
Denise bring both sadness and humor to
our kind group. Gary, you are an elegant
writer yourself, in your poetic description
of the Indiana farmlands. You made me
tear up when you spoke of the Promised
Land, in regard to your beloved Cheryl.
The plan was that Linda would be
discharged from the rehab/ nursing
home & live with me in my small town
by the sea. My only consolation is that she
died suddenly, & didn't linger in pain.
But, I must tell you, Gary, that I can't
listen to Martin Luther King Jr's last
speech before he was assassinated,
without weeping. When he said, " I've
seen the Promised Land. I may not get
there with you...", I think of Linda and
break down. My solution is to not listen
to that particular speech right now, bc it
touches a nerve. Thank you for being so
kind and encouraging to everyone here,
including me. Lou

 

You are so nice and kind and compassionate and I really needed that! Thank you. I kinda managed to try and deStress and get a good nights sleep. So let's see if we can get through today.. do some serious stuff and get thru dialysis. If I can get into reading it goes alright enough for at least half the time. I couldn't read at all Tuesday... Just couldn't it was so boring.

I think part of my troubles lately is I'm over the immediacy of the grief and now itz like what do I do now. I need to kick butt into gear and be a grownUp and start thinking about money stuff which makes my skin crawl in disgust. It is such a BIG worry now, out of nowhere like... Valerie was the finance numbers lady and I was the dreamy romantic artist type. Now I have to balance both and money scares the freack out of me so much!
Thanks Marcey for being a good kind listener!

 

I totally get that Gary and yes... Will have to sell as Is and that means not enough money to live off of... that's where I'm at and the battle over the internet cable continues... I sneak in some Grief Worrier business before he gets up and wants to play new vidjo game system that needs internet cable! We don't gots no wiFi here in ChiVille! The problem is The RealEstate Contractor gave us worst case scenario. And I'm too ... I don't know... Just constant decisions and stuff. Well that's why I don't get on after a certain time lately cuz of dialysis and TB gaming... I like that! He still gets into stuff. For me itz a struggle to do anything. I used to like railroad photography but just not into anything still. Just want to try a new life but how!?// Don't know how to start. Well thanks for listening!

 

To all the Grief Warriors, I'm taking this onto Lou's cool message but its kinda a glimpse of where I'm at... Yeah... I just realized my wife died (8 months ago!) but I just woke up! Valerie had been diagnosed with lipoSarcoma in June of 19. I took care of her through that brutal frazzled dying time and before this I had gone through EndStageRenalDisease (ESRD) and lost both kidneys in a biLateral Nephrectomy. I lot my career teaching junior high science as a result of this devestating illness. I was so depressed I needed therapy and psych meds and just when I think I might've been doing better, well Valerie Cancer and all that. When Valerie first died I was into "warm and fuzzy but highly sad grieving... then I got involved in getting rid of my obscene amount of possessions and junk. We worked on this diligently and busted our asses for 8 months! Getting rid of a dumpster and 1800JUNK and countless trips to and goodwill and half price books and oak park records... we did all this then to find out can't even get rid of this dam house we never should have bought in the first place.! We did all we could the best we can then to find our foundations shattered... wall;. Needless tio say I am thinking seriously about money sht for the first time as a real grownUp... at gonna be 56 next week. I think is it too late for me did I give up all my second chances and blow up every bridge I could. Itz the first time I'm freaking out cuz I'm so alone! TB thinks itz too late at 30. Why should I feel different at 56?

So this is why I worry about everything
Its so hard to stay positive! But I want to.
I want to practice compassionate forgiveness for myself (cuz I know I messed UP) so that I can be strong to be kind to myself and others.
I want to face and accomplish grownUp tasks G

Thanks and much love to TGW and peace and hugz and all that thanks for listening! Happy Thursday!

 

George,

Your story has me teary eyed... I wish I could give you the biggest hug ever... I'm way too emotionally and physically exhausted, and am having difficulty expressing myself in writing, but couldn't step away from my chrome book without "talking" to you first. I wish I knew of someway to help you, or had some words of wisdom to share with you, but all I can do, is to let you know I'm thinking about you, and care about you, as do all of TGW...

You are much stronger than you think you are, TU!!! It might seem like you're never going to get through this, but the only thing I know for certain, is that everything is always subject to change. You will find a way to resolve the house situation. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Tell yourself the same things you would tell a close friend if he/she were going through a similar situation. I believe with all my heart that there is always hope.

Sending lots more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, thank you for helping our good
friend, George, in his hour of need. I think
if him as being younger than 56, which is
about the age of my friend, Steven. He
reminds me of my 34 year old pal, N,
who has seen a lot in war, had PTSD, &
is crawling out of a hole of depression,
with a new job & place to live. But. he
puts himself down a lot, even though he's
a decent, bright, funny , & good looking
guy. Some women are interested in him,
but he's taking it slowly. He doesn't want
to commit right now. I build him up & he
helps to lighten me up, & not be so
sensitive. Glad N was able to meet Kim &
her mother. Lou

 

George,

You're obviously dealing with a lot. Any one of the things you are dealing with would be enough for most people. You are grieving your wife. You are dealing with life post-surgery and adjusting to life without your kidneys and you're having to take care of all of your finances (for the first time in your adult life) and house issues/facing selling your home and moving, alone. It would be a lot for anyone. And through all that, you are (sounds like) most concerned about being a decent human being to others.

I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you what helps me a little. (Back-story) My husband of 39 years (just short of) was almost 9 years older than me. I was a teenager when I married him and he was in his mid 20's. And we had what most would consider a very traditional (or old school) marriage (which is what we both wanted - it worked for us and we were happy). He worked the full-time job, and then some, took care of the yards and the bills. I took care of our children, kept the house clean, meals cooked, the groceries bought and took care of all of the gifting of family and friends (I did yard work too, but we lived in the country - there was enough yard work for both of us)...etc. He was working all of the time. He was the ONLY one that took care of the bills (he felt it was his responsibility - I can only remember one time that he walked me through the bill paying process because I asked him to - fearful that if I were ever without him, I would be totally lost). Any business to take care of, calls to make, appointments to schedule, forms to fill out....all of that, he did for us.
I have had to learn how to do everything, the last 3 months, while I've been so stressed and scared and sad that I want to die.
So, I do know that you can learn to do the financial/business stuff. If I can, you totally can. (and PS I too am in the middle of selling our home of 37 1/2 years)
What helps me right now is just focusing on what I have to do and can do, today. Just today. I might make a list for the week ahead, but I still just focus on each day. It doesn't all have to be done right this minute. So I prioritize and make a list of a few things (sometimes only 1 thing) to do each day so that progress is being made. It's very satisfying being able to physically cross things off of a list. And even though it might seem like baby steps...it all adds up. I was just so surprised, looking back at my little notebook that I had started keeping track of everything, when my husband went into the hospital (at the beginning of August). I had so many calls to make and forms to fill out and things to mail and things to do and bills to pay - and I had never done ANY of that - it was so overwhelming. Pages of those things that are all check-marked and done now. And I was proud of myself. Wow...that was so overwhelming at the time and it's ALL done now. And I did it!
Not that everything I have to do now is done. I'm still in the middle of a lot of what has to be taken care of. There will always be a list, as a grownup in a grownup world. That's okay. Just do what you can do today. If you don't get it all done today, you can work on it tomorrow. And some days, we just need to give ourselves a break and rest.

Like I said, any ONE of the things you're currently dealing with would be overwhelming for anybody. But you've gotten through months of it already. You really are very strong and resilient.
You have to take care of yourself first, or none of it is going to matter anyway. So please eat plenty, drink your water and rest when you can.

Now I feel like Ms. BossyPants. Sorry. Just trying to be a cheerleader for you.

Hang in there Mr! Marcey

 

Marcey, you made me laugh when you
said you felt like"Ms. BossyPants". It
sounded like something Linda would
say. Linda handled paperwork, our
checkbook, & phone calls to health
insurance companies & doctors, for
both of us. When she had to go to the
hospital, I had to make calls, which I
hated, but had no choice. I found it
easier to be an advocate for Linda than
for myself. After she died, I wanted to
get her name off all magazine subscriptions & catalogs. Linda ordered
our clothes from catalogs, bc she didn't
want to go to the mall with her walker. I
called each catalog number, & if I got a
sympathetic voice, I would say my wife
died, and it made me depressed to see the
catalogs. Some said they were sorry to hear about my wife. Others were unfeeling robots , but I got the job done & cleared
the decks. As hard as it was emotionally,
I felt accomplished. Now. I can go to our
P0 Box. and the mail is just for me------
3 years after Linda's death. In The
Widower's Notebook, the author,
Jonathan describes a situation he had to
deal with after his wife died, & surprised
himself that he could do the task without
emotion, Selling a house is difficult, so I wishyou all the best. BTW, one of
Linda's catalogs was a fun one from your state, Dream Products. Do you know it? L

 

Hey Marcey that is such a cool and awesome message. As we were together 34 years and Valerie always did the number stuff IOI probably repeat. When she was dying I should have asked her more about that stuff, but looking through her calendar I was able to keep tack of when stuff is due and she did a lot of on-line autoPay stuff. I don't like computers so at least TB (the Boy) help with that. He went out so I get to keep the internet cable and tell you thanks and goodnight. I wish you a calm and peaceful night. You are no where near as bossy pantz as the Chief was! Thatz Valerie! Oh BTW I love crossing stuff off lists did serious stuff last two daze too. Even tho I hate it! A lot!

 

Valerie was the ultimate Mrs. BossyPantz! Ha

 

Thank you George! And Valerie sounds like an awesome lady. ♥

And thank TB for letting you have the cable for the evening so we get to enjoy your posts again this evening!

I've decided to catch up on a guilty pleasure trash tv kinda show, until I pass out. So at least I'll be distracted until sleep time.

I hope you have a very peaceful night, too! ♥ Marcey

 

Hi Lou!

Sounds like you got it all done, in your time. Did it take months and months?

I guess we quickly realize that if we don't do it, it's not getting done. And we pull up our big girl/boy pants and do what we have to do. As uncomfortable as that sometimes is. And at first for me, it was TERRIFYING. I hated it. I dreaded it. It was awful. But I was also worried sick about my husband at the time and missing him like crazy and scared to death.

I'm already MUCH more comfortable with making calls and taking care of business now. Something that used to really intimidate (and scare) me. Sometimes it's just because we've never done it - and we build it up in our heads as something much bigger than it actually is.
Something I keep reminding myself of ....If we can survive losing our beloved mates. If we can survive this kind of painful trauma.... who cares about forms and phone calls? That's nothing. At least that's how it feels to me (most of the time, anyway). I still don't like it and I never will. But I am proud of myself when I do what I have to do.
I am becoming more confident at least.
It will be a long time though, before everything that comes in the mail, will be in my name. But that's okay.

Dream Products doesn't sound familiar to me. But I'll look it up!

I hope you had a good day today and a peaceful night tonight. ♥ Marcey

 

Cool.. good for you! Distraction is the best!!!!

And Valerie and I used to watch and comment and groove to trash TeeVee too...

 

This is some great advice. I want to internalize it!!! Thanks!

 

Morning, Marcey. Hope you were finally
able to sleep. I did last night, at long last,
but bc of a cold, I'm staying inside &
taking it easy today. It also happens to be
the coldest, "feels like 30s temps" day we've had here. It will climb back to 50s
now that Nov. is almost here. I don't
complain about the weather right now,
bc in Feb, last year, there were 4 days in a
row, when it felt like 20s. My small
tourist town mostly shut down in the
winter, so I hopped on a bus ( I choose not
to drive anymore, & walk everywhere), to the nearby city, which is livelier with
stores & restaurants. I enjoy having
breakfasts out, but I don't go to the same
one Linda & I went to, before she had to
go to the hospital. Speaking of the hospital,
I had good lunches in the cafeteria, before
I went up the elevator to see Linda. After
she died, I still went there for hot lunches.
I would pick a quiet table, away from
other people, & call the catalog companies,
methodically , one by one. It took me
different weeks to do them all, bc Linda
not only had clothes catalogs, like Blair .
Haband, but many others, where we got
some useful. and not so useful kitchen
items & seasonal decorations for our
apartment. Linda would've been amazed
that I put my "bigboy pants on",bit the
bullet, & did what I had to do. As Jonathan
said in his great book, he could reach the
point where he could cut through the
emotion to do the task at hand. I often
quote Sinatra's slower, lonely ballads
when he got older. I felt a kinship to
him, bc I believe he was lonely, deep
down, & had manic depression like I do
do. But, rather than taking meds like I do,
he drank, womanized, gambled, and
stayed up at a bar, or at a party, in the
"wee hours of the morning". In his song,
My Way, he sang, "To think I did all that,
and may I say, not in a shy way, no, oh no,
not me, I did it my way". After Linda
died, I couldn't listen to that song, or any
of Sinatra's other, somewhat sad & lonely
ballads without weeping. Now I can
listen. His song, That's Life, gets me out
the door in the morning, and I sing along
loudly with it---- in the privacy of my own
apartment. "See you later". Lou