Sudden and unexpected

Marcey, it would be so wonderful if you
& my good friend, Karen, could get together in California, & tell us about it!
I told Deb that one of my fantasies is
that she visit me up North, where she
used to live, and I could introduce her
to all my friends I always talk to her
about. I cried when you said how you &
your husband met in church, and that
your belief in God has kept you going.
Your photo of the 2 of you, is so
touching. It's obvious that God brought
you together as soulmates. I hope that
when the time is right for you, Marcey,
and you feel more comfortable with us,
that you will share your husband's name.
I did from the beginning , just as I did
with my grief counselor, & with friends
who never met Linda. She is part of who
I am. After going to a young woman
barber for months, one day I had to tell
her I was a widower, and told her about
Linda. I amazed myself that I was able to
tell this compassionate "old soul" about
some of Linda's funny phrases, and we
would both laugh. I felt compelled to
tell her. Now, that I've done that, a big
load has lifted off my back, and we can
talk about other things. I chose not to
have a TV. I don't like to watch movies,
but sometimes I watch an old sitcom on
my phone. I'm not a big sports fan, but
if the Boston Red Sox are on ( they just
lost), I'll sit with my friends at our local
CHEERS bar ( "where everybody knows
my name"), even though I don't drink
anymore. I also finally went to our small
town, quiet movie theater & saw an old
movie. Linda & I had given up going to
movie theaters, bc people could be loud &
inconsiderate. So, I would borrow DVDs
from the library, and we saw many
movies & TV series. We loved Downton
Abbey, but I couldn't watch that again
without crying. We also watched HGTV,
especially cooking shows. Even if I had a
TV, I wouldn't watch the shows we did. I
was like you & Karen about music. For about a year, I couldn't listen to ANY
song on my phone without sobbing. We
had a Sinatra CD called "Cycles". When I
listened to him sing the sad, slow lyrics,
it was too much. I couldn't even listen to
the music I heard in college, in the late
1960s, like CCR, The Band, The Beatles,
Simon & Garfunkel, etc. Linda & I were
able to see Ray Charles and B.B. King,
now gone. My therapist suggested I try
some upbeat tunes, and I did, finally
without crying. I played classical piano
until I was 15, & loved to play a simple
Chopin prelude. Gradually, I was able to
listen to classical music & blues ( how
fitting!). All I can say, is that I hope you &
Karen can enjoy music again, without
crying. I'm proud of your courage for
singing hymns in the church. Your
husband would have wanted that for you.
Hope you have a good evening, Marcey. L

 

Marcey,

Yes, that would be nice. In another post, that I can't find, you mentioned getting in touch with you DW, I think? What is DW?

 

Lou,

There was always something so special, so magical about being in Boston during the holiday season... It makes me smile remembering all the trees decked out for Christmas in Boston Common.... How special and magical Downtown Crossing was as seen through my eyes as a child... When you mentioned Lionel trains, one of Bob's uncles used to collect model trains and spent many hours putting together very detailed train layouts. When he died, he left his collection to Bob. When we had to sell our house, the one we loved so much, that was surrounded by farms and close to the ocean, Bob sold the collection to a dealer. The economic downturn hit us really hard and we put the money towards moving expenses. Off subject, my grandmother gave me her very first doll, it was in excellent condition except for a few broken fingers on one hand. I wanted to find somewhere to bring it to have it repaired, and was going to do a bit of research on whether or not repairing it would make it be worth less, thinking maybe one day I could leave it to our daughter, and if she ever had a daughter, she could leave it to her, but just like Bob sold the the trains, I sold the doll. We ended up selling so many things... I'm getting way off track, so stopping here.

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for you to walk past that house that you and Linda rented so long ago when you had to walk to your grief counselor's house. I don't think I would have been able to handle it, way too many memories... I "get" you having to throw the pictures away from that April 1st snowstorm. I can't look at most of my pictures either. I can't even open the door to the guest bedroom without needing tons of tissues... I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at my wedding pictures, honeymoon pictures, pictures of us taken many years ago, bringing our children home from the hospital after their births, Christmas pictures, etc., etc., etc. The pain is still way too raw...., the heartache way too intense. I still can't listen to music... It sucks big time living in a world without music, TU!!! There are so many things I can't do, so many places I can't go... Grieving SUCKS!!!, TU!!!

I know we have to go through all the pain, all the heartbreak in order to heal, that as Karen so perfectly put it, "Mr. Grief will take his time," or said something similar, but there are times when I wonder how much more of this misery I can endure. Whenever I get into this super negative way of thinking, I keep reminding myself that life is a gift, that Bob would have done anything at all possible to still "be on the right side of the dirt." I want more than anything else to make him proud of me and to make him happy too. I believe that there are much better days ahead, I have to, otherwise I wouldn't be able to get through this. Every time I laugh, I know I'm still me, although a way different me than I was before Bob died, somewhere inside... Laughing gives me hope, hope that there is a much brighter future ahead, but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I have to do all the hard work that grieving forces upon us first. I think I'm starting to ramble, and my fingers seem to be writing the words almost on their own, so I hope at least some of this makes sense.

Ending this on a much lighter note, I laughed when you said that the thing you and Linda missed the most when the power went out, was that you couldn't make coffee, even instant coffee and had to "suck it up." I know that feeling all too well. This morning I felt like I needed caffeine injected IV style!!! I don't know what I would do without coffee. I'm so over the top addicted to it.

I think this might be the beginnings of another book, so stopping here for tonight.

Hope your evening is filled with many more happy moments with sad ones... And, praying that Mr. Sandman visits all of TGW tonight!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen, remember that I'm here for you on
Nov. 4, and the days leading up to it. In
some ways, in spite of your horrible grief
of not having Jack by your side a year
after his death, you are farther along
than I was a year after Linda's death. As
you may recall, I had been drinking
more, staying out late, to numb the pain.
All that did was to make me lose sleep,
weaken my immune system , get the flu
twice, and go into a deep depression,
requiring me to go to the same psychiatric
unit where I stayed right after Linda died.
It's now been 3 years since Linda died, &
2 years since I stopped drinking. I'm on a
regular sleeping, eating, and walking outside schedule. I get my blood monitored every 6 months, to check my
meds level. You jokingly asked me if I
were taking any vitamins, bc I seemed
funnier lately. As a matter of fact, my
doctor discovered in a blood test, that I
have anemia, so now I buy Nature Made
( from West Hills, Ca. !!) MULTI Complete
vitamins, including iron. In some ways,
I'm physically healthier than I was 30
years ago. I wish I had a crystal ball &
could see how you & TGW will be doing,
God willing, a year, and 2 years from now.
All I can tell you, Karen, from one whose
spouse died before yours, is that it DOES
get better, as hard as it is for you to
believe right now. Lou

 

Karen.

I can relate to so much of what you just said. I can't listen to music, look at pictures, go to places we used to go to together... I still can't open the doors to the guest bedroom and the guest bathroom... I can't even wear clothing that reminds me of happy times we spent together. This wipes out a big chunk of my wardrobe. I totally "get" what you mean when you said the "Old" me is gone. I feel the same way. I don't think anyone who has suffered the total heartbreak that all of TGW have, will ever be the same person again. However, if this makes any sense at all, I think parts of the "old" me are still here. Too frazzled to try to explain this right now. As far as spacing out, I have a much harder time remembering things and focusing on things too. "Mr. Grief" just SUCKS!!!, TU!!!

As I told Lou in my last message to him, I hope Mr. Sandman visits every one of TGW tonight, TU!!! Sleep deprivation makes everything so much more difficult!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

My husband Tom and I loved Halloween, I haven't even tried to get out the decorations this year.
My son asked me the other day if we could still have his birthday this year? My poor baby knows
I don't feel like doing anything so he is asking about it, bless his heart I would never not do something
for his birthday. BJ my son has Autism he is 20 years old mentally he is 6 years old. He is such a sweet little boy
and he notices so much that you wouldn't think he does. I dread the holidays so much but I will put forth a A+ effort
for BJ. I hope y'all are doing good. Denise

 

Marcey,

I can relate to so much of what Karen and you have been "talking" about. I can't look at pictures, listen to music, visit places that Bob and I used to go to together.... I can't even wear clothing that I wore from happier times. As I told Karen, this wipes out a big chunk of my wardrobe. I'm doing a little better, but there are still some foods I can't eat because they were some of Bob's favorites. Just looking at them on the shelves in the grocery store is enough to bring on those tears... No way am I the same person I was before Bob died. However, I think there are still parts of the old me left. Too fried to explain this now.

Way too frazzled... stopping here for now. But, before I go, as I said to Karen and Lou, I hope Mr. Sandman visits all of TGW tonight!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou, I just got on line and haven't read all these books, You and Deb have to compose a book. I'll get back and read soon.

 

Karen, before joining GIC, I was in The
Mighty, a website founded in L.A. It was a
good way to connect with people, in an
anonymous way, by first name. It was
also a creative outlet for my writing. The
people were honest about their mental &
physical problems, as was I. There was a way to have private "talks", called
direct messaging, or DM. Unfortunately,
I got enmeshed in a bizarre situation, in
which I stupidly gave a woman my
phone number, in code ( so the staff
couldn't see it), and the troubled woman
sent me disturbing, graphic photos of
herself. I reported her, so that other men
wouldn't be trapped in her web. The only
good thing is that a happily married
woman from Canada tried to help her
& saw what was unfolding. Through
DM, the kind Canadian woman, a retired
RN, who likes to help people, managed to
get my phone number ( in code again, so
no one else could see it), and she has been
able to send me postcards & appropriate(!)
photos of herself & her husband. We can
even talk on the phone & laugh. She was
the only person on The Mighty who didn't
have any troubling issues, except for
physical ones as she aged. That was the
only good thing to come out of The Mighty,
and I took the APP off my phone & left.
It was a good"dress rehearsal" for a much
better site more suitable to my needs. I know this was a long answer to your
question to Marcey, but what else is new?!
Lou

 

Denise,

Welcome to TGW!!! It's really good to "see" you here. The holidays are such a difficult time for so many of us. Grieving SUCKS!!! I can only begin to imagine how difficult it is for you, having to be strong for BJ, when your heart feels like it's been ripped in half. My daughter teaches young adults who fall somewhere on the autistic spectrum. They are very sensitive, kind, and caring individuals, but just have a difficult time expressing their feelings. My heart goes out to you... You must be way beyond fried... totally exhausted both mentally and physically from grieving... and yet, you have to try to keep everything the same as much as possible for BJ. My heart breaks for BJ too... having just recently lost his father, and asking if he can still celebrate his birthday. I need a tissue...

If my brain isn't too foggy, I think you mentioned somewhere that you're having trouble collecting benefits from the VA. You might have already done this, but just in case you haven't, the DAV is a great organization. I really don't know enough about your situation to offer any advice, but if you haven't already, you might want to call and speak to someone in your local chapter.

Lots more I want to tell you. I can relate to everything you've mentioned, but I'm just too physically and emotionally drained to "talk" much more tonight. One of these days, BEWARE: you're going to get a "book" from me!!!

As I mentioned to Karen, Marcey and Lou, I hope Mr. Sandman visits every one of TGW tonight!!! Sleep is something I know none of us will ever take for granted again.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you Lou. I just received the book, "The Widower's Notebook". Since I'm have company until Monday I'll try read. Good night . K

 

So good to see you on here tonight, Denise.
Deb & I were just talking about you, and
said she sent you a message. She pointed
out to me that you have a lot on your
plate aside from mourning Tom: your
job, your finances, getting veteran's
benefits, doing errands, putting food on
the table, and taking care of your son,
who is autistic. One of my jobs years ago,
was to teach life skills, ( showering,
brushing teeth, tying shoes, etc.) , to
adults with developmental disabilities.
The clients lived in a state institution,
and their families would visit there.
It was decided that group homes were
more conducive to personal care, but
that was not always the case, and there
were instances of poor grooming, diet, bad managers & counselors, and even sexual
& physical abuse. The fact that you're
taking care of your son, though difficult,
shows what a loving mother you are,
Denise. God Bless You. Hope you and BJ
sleep well. Hope to "chat" tomorrow. Lou

 

About to hit the sack at my usual 9:30pm
time, Deb. I'm rereading the lighter,
funnier chapters of Jonathan's book. The
wind is really howling & I will hear that
angry ocean around the corner from me,
all night. When I first moved to this
apartment, I was broken & frightened
by the sound of a storm & I would be up
most of the night. Like Jonathan, every
noise bothered me. Now, I find the sound
of rain soothing. Hopefully, my meds
which make me sleepy, like your
Melatonin, will help me greet " Mr.
Sandman". I can hear the song! But, if I
wake up in the middle of the night, I'll sit
at the table, & see if TGW , with insomnia,
are around. If I'm lucky, I can respond to
Karen and Marcey, our 2 California
friends! BTW, I love your "books", Deb,
but if I'm too "fried", as you put it, I'll
just click "like" & reply later. I see that
other people do that, too!! Sweet dreams. L

 

Denise, I can support you with your boy's Autism because I had a son, but not who had Autism, but disabled and living in a group home for 20 years. He just died at age 49 2019. I could go into details, but it's late now here in Calif. I give you all my love and support without your husband to help you. I'll chat again, blessings and strength for you and your son. My name is Karen

 

Well, Deb, like Michael Corleone in
Godfather III, I was pulled "back in"
when I read your sad stories of how you &
Bob had no choice but to give away, or
sell the train set and doll, both of which
meant so much to you. It brought back
horrible memories of when we had to
leave many of our possessions, like
paintings, CDs, which Linda had bought
for us, bc we couldn't pay the rent in our
apartment in Rhode Island, where we
lived, not knowing anyone, after 9/11.
When Linda barely survived from
endometrial cancer, I saw her in pain, on
Morphine, and had to keep asking the
chatty nurses to make sure she was
getting enough. I was in a panic when
Linda was discharged, and wasn't thinking
rationally. Neither was Linda. We should
have been seeking help, so that Linda
could slowly recover. Instead, we drove
down to Florida, living in our car, broke.
We had to make the heartbreaking
decision to sell our wedding rings, so
that we could pay for food & meds.
Eventually, Linda got a job waitressing
in Florida. Meanwhile, bc my blood level
wasn't monitored, I had ataxia, and kept
falling down, in the Florida heat. Strangers
looked alarmed & lifted me up. At one
point, I staggered to the ocean for relief
and fell at the water's edge. A woman
ran over to save me from possibly
drowning. I took a cab to the ER where
I had to stay overnight , so they could
adjust my meds. Poor Linda had to rush
from her job to see me. Then, we had to
live in the car again. What a nightmare.
I blamed myself after Linda died, and as
you know, I had to go to the ER where I
live now, due to suicidal ideations. Upon
discharge, I started going to the grief
counselor's home, and she pointed out
that it wasn't all my fault, that Linda had
blind spots, regarding her folks. Now,
you can see why she never forgave them
later, when after suffering all those
losses & being homeless, we had to give
up our little poodle, which was the most
heartbreaking thing we ever did. Linda
never got over our losses, especially that
one. She felt she was cursed, & doomed
since childhood when her little brother
was taken away from her by his early
death. I'm sorry that you'll need a whole
box of kleenex after this saga. I don't
think I told you all these details before.
I told you this without crying, bc I've
already done my weeping under
psychiatric care. You don't even have to
respond, Deb. As Shakespeare said,
"What is done is done......". Thank you
for being my therapist tonight, dear
Deb. I don't think I can sleep yet, bc the
relentless winds are just too much &
I feel restless. I have a lantern, with
batteries, and of course, my phone.
Thank God. I can't read right now. The
phone is better than a transistor radio,
& it's plugged into a portable charger,
if the power goes out. I'm glad I'm
retired so I can sleep late. I'm also
looking forward to seeing Kim. Thanks
again for listening, friend. To think
this was all triggered by a model train. Lou

 

Oh, DM! Direct Message. A private message. I'm just not comfortable sharing specific location information in a public way. Or our names, yet. I need some time. ♥
I got off of social media a few years ago because I was uncomfortable with feeling too exposed, etc. (among other things) So I hope I don't annoy anyone here with being pretty private about some things. But that is my comfort level right now.

 

Thank you M, I truly agree with privacy. Got it, DM.
No, you won't annoy anyone here. We are all -- what we are, blessings. Karen

 

Thank you Lou!

I had a very rough morning, followed by a neutral afternoon and a surprisingly pleasant evening. Our youngest son and his wife came over to put together a piece of furniture I had ordered. We had Italian food for dinner first then they did the building project. It was a farmhousey file cabinet so I can finally get my files back in order after the move (and me learning how to pay bills and keep track of all the paperwork for the first time in my life). So I am very happy that part is done. Tomorrow will be spent filling up the file drawers and getting myself organized. After spending hours in tears this morning and drowning in sadness, I am happy to have had such a nice evening.

I definitely do believe that God put my husband and I together. Thank you for the sweet compliments. And you are correct, he would be happy that I am able to attend and participate in worship (and sing).
I love music - all kinds. I can't imagine my life without it. So it's something I'm going to have to work through.
Love your and Linda's taste in music! And that you can play piano! That's wonderful.

Can't imagine my life without movies. My family and I speak fluent movie quotes. lol I could probably list at least 50-100 favorite films right now. So far I can still watch them. But I'm sure there are going to be some that trigger a flood of memories that will be painful and overwhelming. I'm just taking it one thing at a time. If I can't handle it I will put that aside indefinitely and try something else.

As for using my husbands' name (and mine), I am thinking about it. I'm afraid if I feel too exposed at this fragile point, I may panic and bolt. Some degree of anonymity is important to me right now. I'm considering it. That's what I can say at this point. It has been stressed to me by several here now, the importance of using his name. I'm thinking about it. I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that he isn't coming home. That this isn't a nightmare that I will eventually wake up from and life will be as it was. I need time. I appreciate knowing how important it can be. I'm happy for you that you've been able to do that with your Linda. And you are correct, they are a part of us. He is a part of me. Thank you for sharing that with me. ♥

There's more I wanted to respond to Lou, but I've been up since the 2 am hour and I keep falling asleep at the keyboard. I hope you had a restful night!

 

Marcey, although I feel bad for you that
you're having trouble sleeping, misery
loves company. I wrote a long, harrowing
tale of woe to Deb earlier, which I'm sure
she'll answer in the morning. It was about
our homelessness, sleeping in our car
on the way to Florida a couple months
after 9/11, which affected me mentally &
made me paranoid. Linda had been in the
hospital in Rhode Island, where we lived
at the time. She had endometrial cancer.
Years later, we thought she was fully
recovered, but now I wonder if her cancer
came back, in a different form, 15 years
later. As Jonathan said in his eloquent
book, we will never know, and can't
keep torturing ourselves. From what you
told me at this ungodly hour ( for me), you
will get a lot out of The Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan Santlofer. All of us have read it now, at
my suggestion. Karen just received her
copy, and Patti is trying to get a large
print version, or audio book. When you
are ready to read it, I strongly urge you to
start the book in the morning, bc it is too
stirring to read in bed at night. The reason
I couldn't sleep is because we are having
a major storm here, with howling, heavy
winds, an angry ocean, threat of flooding
& damage from falling trees & power lines.
Thank God, I have my smart phone, to
distract me from the sound of the
ferocious sea. I'm also grateful that Linda
bought a battery operated lantern, if the
power went out. It did, at 12:11am, my
time. I called the automatic line of
National Grid, which said they were
aware of the outage on my street. Don't
worry about not saying your husband's
first name here. The last thing I'd want to
do would be to pressure you. I just thought
it would be a relief for you, as it was for
Deb, who was reluctant at first, and me.
I think I can put the covers over my head
now & block out the noise of the storm,
and finally go to sleep. Hope you can,
too. Lou

 

Good Morning Lou,

How was the rest of your stormy night? I would have loved it! Though, easy to say from my quiet (almost) never-rains-in-California home. I'm sure it's more than a little unsettling experiencing all of that stormy goodness in the dark. And it's no bueno that it kept you from a decent nights' sleep. Is the storm still a brewin' or are things calmed down this morning? I bet the beach is full of fun treasures the morning after a storm like that. We need pics! Do you ever post pics of your view or a morning walk on the beach?

I made it till almost 3 am. Sleep is really hard for me right now. Need an on/off switch for my mind. I wake up and immediately start thinking. Then I look at pictures of him/us on my phone and pet my dog, who sleeps in the bed with me. I kiss his head and tell him he's my "special boy." I'm sure he'd rather me leave him alone and let him sleep. Poor guy. Then I hug my husband's "Comfy" (a sherpa blanket oversized hooded sweatshirt thing that he wore when it got cold and it still smells like him - I've been holding it and/or covering up with it in bed since he got sick). Sometimes I can go back to sleep. Not so much lately, though.
Almost done with my first round of coffee.

I will look for your story to Deb about your trip to Florida after 9-11.

Thank you again for the book recommendation. I just purchased my copy on Audible. So, since it is still so early I will read my morning devotionals first (God first) then I will start the book. If I can't handle it yet, I will pause and save it for later. But at least I have it now.

Hoping your power stayed on and that you got the rest you need. I also hope you have a pleasant, peaceful morning.

marcey