Sudden and unexpected

Patti,

I don't know how this happened, but if you click on the message where I quoted your message to me, you'll see the message I sent you.

 

Well I'm back on line. For some reason that I know; my computer is hardwired to the interne. Tb went off for a couple daze and I was too lazy to set up the modem and rePlug in. Yousee if I had a highTech Computer-phone like everyone else... Oh well. enjoyed catching up on messages. House stuff not going well. Spent yesterday besides errands reading and reReading grief stuff... looked at the bibl-y workbook the GriefShare group gave me. .. I feel so tongueTied lately in the writing of messages. I am still here and hope I'm a GriefWarrior ... I vacillate between ok-er and total lack of confidence. I guess the best thing is to do stuff like I hear all of you doing. I worry too much of what ifs like the house stuff is turning into a hopeless disaster. Did get a nice good time to relax and unwind yesterday. My hands are cold. Gotta turn on the heat. Best saturday to Everybody... Hope to be on more today. Now that I'm wired again!

 

George, so glad to see you on here this
Sat. am!! All of us Grief Warriors
worried about you. I felt relieved when
I saw that eyepilot13 was liking the
different posts. I know you are going
through crap, and feeling very unsettled.
Jonathan used that great word,
unmoored, which all of us feel. Please
reach out to us, whenever you are
feeling really down, which I know is
most of the time right now. I used to
cry when I heard the songs by Bill
Withers: "Lean on Me" and "Ain't No
Sunshine When She's Gone".........Lou

 

You are a truly amazing friend, Deb.,I
believe that God sent you & the other
Grief Warriors to me. Despite it all, we
can be a funny bunch. I think the best
comedians suffered from extreme
loneliness, like Robin Williams or Richard
Prior. I cried when you said your stoic
Bob squeezed your hand in the oncologist's office. I tried to hold it
together until I saw Linda fall, in an
unnatural way, at the edge of her bed in
her room at the rehab unit. I knew, in
my gut, that it was over when the
rescue squad came speedng down the
hall to her room. I had my face in my
hands, blaming myself for bothering
her earlier about buying a new phone,
bc our old tracphone ironically "died"
that morning. It was a nightmarish
scenario that Rod Serling could've
written. It took 6 months of crying,
doing grief work with the grief therapist,
& 2 stays in a psychiatric unit, to be
able to talk with people, and to smile.
I don't know how I did it, but I managed
to move to my current apartment only 4
months after Linda died. I was broken.
When the landlady & I talked, I felt like a
zombie, & hated to make decisions without
Linda by my side. I now feel blessed &
feel grateful to God every morning, that
I'm still alive, and can walk from my
apartment to the ocean. I had another
moving talk with Roger after the coffee
at the Legion. We talked about our
recent dreams. His wife, Nancy, died
about the same time Linda died. I told
him about my vivid dream of facing a
smiling Linda. I think I told Patti about
this, so I won't repeat here. Like you, I
want to walk to Neck, & try to see Guppa.
It's colder today, partly sunny, 50s, so I'm
wearing my Shack hoodie. Hope to see
Guppa, but it's OK if I don't, bc I talk with
a lot of people down there. The Center
for Loss quote speaks to me today, about
the difference between loneliness and
solitude. Hope to "talk" with you & TGW
later. Great to see Patti on here more,
and George today. Lou9

 

Deb, I assume you have pepper spray at all times with you???. I think they're different kinds of scents. I don't go walking alone on trails, you don't know if a homeless is mentally challenged. So sad we have to be so cautious living on our beautiful earth. K

 

I made a comeback on my resentment against Cheryl’s sister today. I was able to greet her with a friendly hello and followed her directions and helped load the vehicle with the last of Cheryl‘s items. I read an article on forgiveness twice and I was fortunate to have two sessions of mindfulness in my backyard. I thank God for this because at the end when the last of the stuff was loaded I just couldn’t take anymore. I broke down and cried like a baby in front of the sister. She was the last person I wanted to cry in front of again. She asked me if I was OK And offered a hug which I excepted. it set off a bunch of painful memories about her husband killing himself 38 years ago. She opened up and poured her heart out to me how bad it was. I never thought she had those feelings inside. I thought she was just a hard and cruel bitter individual. but I was wrong. I’m so glad I was able to choose love and not fear because I would’ve never got to know her this way. It’s weird I feel very happy but also very sad. the Yin and Yang of grief. Lou thanks for sharing your courageous story about your ongoing recovery from Mr. grief. And all the pain and suffering and setbacks you had but still keep going. I began reading the widowers notebook again. It brings Cheryl‘s death into a full view again. Zuba writes we have to keep telling the story over and over because when it happened we couldn’t comprehend what was going on. so we have to tell it over and over figure it out. I think the widowers notebook and permission to mourn work in concert with each other. George I was relieved to see it was computer problems and not health issues when I saw your message. Deb and Patti thank you for your kind words and Sharing your experiences. I feel really drained right now but in a good way. Thank you GIC and the TGW.

 

Lou,

I love!!! your dream last night about Linda, and your "butterfly moment..." Just like you, I believe that it was Linda reminding you of all the happy times you shared together. Linda will always be watching over you. Linda will always take up the most space in your heart... She is a part of you, she always will be. Reading this made me smile, no tears this time, even though it's so bittersweet. All of life is so bittersweet...

I agree with you when you said that you think some of the best comedians suffered from extreme loneliness. I loved both Richard Pryor and Robin Williams. It's so sad that both of them died so young... It's especially sad that Robin Williams was in so much emotional pain, that the only way he thought he could stop it, was to leave us... Sort of on, sort of off topic, I love!!! the way TGW can switch back and forth from tears to laughter. Being able to laugh again, is one of the most wonderful feelings... Being able to laugh again means we are choosing life. (Thank you Tom Zuba). We are TGW!!! WE CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!!!

To repeat what you told me, I think you're an amazing friend too. I think I mentioned this already, that I think of you as one of the best friends who I haven't met. I'm also very grateful for all of TGW, each and every one of our friends here. It is really good to see both Patti and George today, so glad they're back!!! Until you mentioned it, I didn't think of think of God as having brought all of TGW together, but now I agree with you. I believe that everything in life happens for a purpose, even if we don't understand what that purpose is. This reminds me of Tom Zuba, when he talks about how he believes each one of us are here for just the right amount of time. As you already know, I struggle with this like Linda did, and Karen does, but I'm trying really hard to accept this. I think I'm starting to get off track here, and I think I could write a book on this subject, so stopping here, before I really get going!!!

Backing up to this morning, it's nice to hear that you and Roger had a heartfelt conversation. It is so necessary to be able to share our stories with people who truly "get it !!!, " Total Understatement!!!

I hope you got to see your therapy dog today. I think it would make a great picture, you and Guppa, both dressed in your hoodies...

Hope you enjoyed your day... and all those way beyond beautiful ocean views...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen.

I don't, but I think I really should buy some. It's so sad that there are so many mentally challenged individuals..., who I'm sure are experiencing unbearable pain, but don't know how to reach out for help in appropriate ways. My next door neighbors told me that they heard that the woman told the intruder that she was sure he didn't really want to hurt her. She was able to remain calm. I only hope, that if I ever find myself in a similar situation, I would be able to stay calm, instead of panic.

Thank you for mentioning this. It is always wise to be prepared, TU!!!

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

This has me teary eyed, but mostly in a good way... I am so glad that you were able to choose love instead of fear too... I keep my copy of Tom Zuba's book on my nightstand and read it over and over and over again. I told my next door neighbors about "Permission To Mourn" and also the "Widower's Notebook." One of their very close friends lost her husband a few months ago. He suffered from the same type of kidney cancer that Bob had. My neighbors want me to meet their friend who is struggling so much, she has days when she can't get out of bed. I told them I would like to meet her, and will do anything I possibly can to help her. It would make me feel a bit better, if I can do anything at all for this women, even if it's just to give her a hug, let her know that I truly "get it." I started crying when they told me about her. I agree with you that both books work in concert with each other. I think they should be must reads for everyone who is going through the same kind of total heartbreak that we are.

Thank you for sharing this very beautiful reminder about choosing love over fear. It is truly heartwarming.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary, I admire how you approached
Cheryl's sister with kindness instead of
resentment, and were able to let the
tears, or "floodgates" ( as Deb would say)
flow. It's so moving that Cheryl's sister
turned out not to be the hard hearted
woman you thought she was. I'm guilty
of preconceived notions about people.
I was sitting at the bar tonight with a
local couple. On my other side, were 3
women, 2 of them talking almost non
stop. I thought they seemed self involved ,
drinking cosmopolitans like the women in
Sex in the City. All of a sudden, I overheard
one of the talkers address the 3rd, quoted
woman, as "Mom". The mother spoke to
me in a friendly manner. I was completely
wrong about my first impression. These
3 women turned out to be 3 generations.
The mother was soon joined by her
husband. They were visiting from Ca,
& wanted to hear all about the local
scene, bc they want to visit again. So,
what turned out, from my initial
displeasure about these women, was a
friendly conversation. I felt guilty, and
was glad they couldn't read my mind! L

 

Deb, you are an incredible wordsmith----
"total understatement!!!". You manage
to address every line of my posts. Thank you for your moving words about my
dream about Linda and my bonding with
Roger. I love the way our TGW halve formed an informal book club. I'll pat my
back, for starting it! You and Gary capture
the spirit of Zuba's book. Karen is going
to get Jonathan's book, as well. I did get to
see Guppa! It was really cold when the
clouds rolled in over the Neck. Guppa's
owner had layered clothing, and Guppa
wore one of his many stylish hoodies. I massaged his back as usual, but, this time
I leaned down to look at his face. He looked back at me with his large brown
eyes, as if to say, "what are YOU lookin'
at?". I chuckled. Lou

 

Karen I did not know about you breaking your arm until of this morning. I hope you are getting full use of it now. Your message is loud and clear about the danger we are in suffering from Mr. grief. Every time I put my car in gear I make sure I have extra pressure on the brake pedal because I have been in the wrong gear too many times. On the road I constantly say to myself pay attention pay attention. I am extra careful when I go into the woods especially climbing into a tree stand. I constantly remind myself one screw up and it’s all over. Safety first. Deb thanks for being so kind and compassionate and understanding about what I went through with the sister. There have been several times I felt negative towards someone and only ended up hurting myself Emotionally. Thank God I have never acted on those negative feelings. Because if I had I would’ve hurt a lot of people emotionally. My key watch word is restraint. By forgiving the sister I was able to let go some of my extreme anxiety and depression. They say there’s power in letting the explicative off the hook. I finally got some peace. Gary

 

Gary, I'm so glad you "choose life" as
Zuba says. When Linda died 3 years ago,
I didn't care if I lived or died. I stepped off
curbs onto the street, not looking both ways for cars. I'm the opposite now. I
diligently use crosswalks, and even
then, make sure it's all clear. Same goes
for red lights & stop signs. When I fell,
and tensed up my knee, I had to have
PT. Now, I'm look where I'm walking, &
try not to get distracted. Lou

 

Deb please forgive me for being so insensitive and thinking only of myself and my problems. I hope your migraines have gone completely away. I know when I feel bad I think bad. I hope You are getting better faster. Hugs to you. Lou good to hear from you as always. Everybody sleep well. I’m turning in early tonight. In this moment I Love everyone. Gary

 

Thanks for your shout out to me just now,
Gary. To quote a corny line from the 1970
movie, Love Story: "Love means never having to say you're sorry". Haha!
Sleep well. Cold night here, almost time
for me to turn in, also. Lou

 

Lou,

I'm smiling reading that you saw Guppa today. I bet he looks adorable in his hoodies... Dogs are the absolute best!!!, TU!!! Their expressions are priceless... I took a long walk today. The weather was perfect, lots of sunshine, low humidity so even when it reached 80, it wasn't bad. (You might want to take this with a grain of salt. I (almost) need to wear Cuddle Duds underneath my clothing when the temps dip into the high 50's.)

A couple of my neighbors were outside and I started talking to them. One of them lives next door to me. She said that she and another one of her friends usually go out for magaritas often. She asked me if I want to join them. Although I didn't feel like it, I said yes! I keep thinking about Tom Zuba saying that we need to say yes, to choose life. It'll be a first for me. I'm hoping they don't go to one of the places where Bob and I used to hangout. I'm trying so hard to make Bob proud of me, even though, this week I've been especially sad.

After I left my neighbors, finally made it off of my street, I started crying. It was such a picture perfect day, the kind of day that made Bob and I want to purchase a house here so long ago. It was the kind of day when you probably would have found us by the ocean during the day, having dinner later on, at one of our favorite outside restaurants overlooking the ocean. We enjoyed more than one wonderful anniversary dinner at our favorite seafood restaurant that has a huge deck, with tables really close to the water. The sunsets from this spot are some of the most beautiful ones I've seen. Those were some of the most wonderful anniversary dinners... We had no idea how sick Bob was. We were happy, in love, and everything was right with the world.

I'm starting to get off track here, so back to what I want to tell you. I walked about a mile, unable to stop the tears. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, there was a bright orange butterfly in front of me, heading towards me in the opposite direction. Right behind it, was a beautiful yellow one. Almost as soon as I saw the butterflies, I stopped crying. I can say for the first time since Bob died, I was able to concentrate on the sounds of nature, my mind was quiet. When I was almost home, another orange butterfly appeared in front of me, and I watched it fly higher and higher into the sky until I couldn't see it anymore.

For just a few seconds, the butterflies were so close to me, if I raised my hand just a little bit, I think I could have touched them. But, and this is one of those BIG BUTS!!!, it's been happening so much recently, do you think some of the times I've seen them are purely coincidence? I want to believe with all my heart, that they've been signs from Bob, letting me know that he is watching over me, that he is always with me...

After seeing the butterflies, I'm feeling much better, sort of like some sort of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, even though nothing has really changed. Not sure if this makes any sense. It's the strangest feeling, because I've been so sad lately. After my walk, I decided to go pick up the lemon I need for dinner tomorrow night. I wore my sunglasses in the store, had lots of tissues in my purse, but, didn't need any of them. I was able to walk past all the holiday displays, and headed straight for the produce department, then to the self check out registers closest to where I was, then right out the door.

Tonight, I feel a sense of calm, something I'm not used to feeling anymore. I don't know how long this will last, but for now, I'm going to enjoy it. I've been talking to Bob, thanking him for letting me know he is still here with me, for watching over me... I miss him so much....!!!

This seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions is totally exhausting both mentally and physically. I hope this peaceful, calm feeling, at least lasts through the night. This is another one of those TBC's...

I hope you're having a good night, more reasons to smile..., than cry.

I'm going to read some of the messages I missed, make a cup of tea, and curl up on the couch for awhile, maybe watch something mindless until I think I can fall asleep.

Sleep well...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

You are the total opposite of insensitive, TU!!! You are such a kind, caring person with such a big heart. Thank you for asking, I'm feeling much better. I just wrote a message to Lou about the butterflies I saw today. I won't repeat it, but now I feel calm, such a peaceful feeling, so strange because nothing has really changed. I'm hoping this feeling lasts at least until the morning. Grief is so unpredictable, another TU!!!

I hope that although you're feeling really drained, it's still in a good way.

Sleep well...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I wanted to reach out to you before
I go to bed. Like Gary, on the cold Oct.
nights, I like to get under the blanket
early. Did you ever see the 2005 movie,
Boynton Beach Club? It stars Len Cariou,
as a recent widower, and Brenda
Vacarro, as an angry widow. They live in
a Florida community for seniors. Linda &
I saw it many times, for the very real
acting, and both very sad & very funny
scenes. The theme is "our amazing
capacity to rebound and fall in love At
any age". I told my older married friend,
John. today, that if I were to meet another
woman, she would have to be from out
of town. John agreed. It occurs to me that
I might be able to fall in "like", an
infatuation, but not love. I miss hugs
from a woman. The only hugs I get, are
from married women, with their
husbands nearby. Although nice, you
can imagine the very mixed feelings I
have. I found myself being annoyed by
couples holding hands on the Neck
today. That was not a thing for Linda &
me. I felt like saying, "Oh, brother", but I
know that's mean. Hope you're OK. I
think I have a little separation anxiety
when I don't hear from you morning AND
night, which is, of course, ridiculous! Lou

 

P.S. I don't know how I missed your last line, but I did. Must be this widow foggy brain thing!!! I'm smiling big time - I'm glad that "right at this moment, you're loving everyone."