Sudden and unexpected

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Hi Karen, I have a hard time catching up here. Just got back from Dr. apointment,
need to wait another week before can get the stitches removed, it's slowly healing.
I've been trying to keep my mind busy, taken on a few projects, which is helping.
Am knitting neck scarves to donate for the homeless shelter ( using large needles ) .
Temp getting into the lower 40s in the early morning hours. Just got back from
Target, needed to get lighting for the food pantry, praying my vision is going to
improve. I will try to read all the more recent postings here from the group this
evening. Want to say hi to Deb, Lou, Gary, George, and everyone, keeping
each in my prayers.
Sending big hug to you Karen, Blessings.
Patti

 

Thank you Lou, I will catch up on all your prior stories soon. Yes, it's depressing when people leave and we are alone again.

 

Thank you Patti, I'm praying for your vision to improve. Keep positive, keep your spirits up, I'll check in later--so many stories here to catched up on.

 

Well, Deb, for me, especially with my
manic depression, it is often "darkest
before the dawn ". Steven & Betsy met
me at Brothers Brew for coffee, & I told
them the sad saga of Linda & me, living
out of our car. I remember being in a
Walmart parking lot overnight on
Thanksgiving. We were so bad off that
we had crackers & soda for our dinner.
Years later, when we finally had money,
Linda would want to dine in a fine
restaurant on Thanksgiving, bc we
deserved it, damn it, after what we'd
been through. She was right. I treat myself
to a good meal now, & try not to feel guilty
that Linda is not by my side physically. It
helps that I go to new places that weren't
around when she was alive. In the spirit
that the best things in life are sometimes
unplanned, as we were about to leave the
coffee shop, I spotted Ginny walking in,
by herself. I practically ran her over, in
my excitement. I motioned for S&B to
come over to meet her. They said they
heard how wonderful she was & how she
was always stylish. She laughed, & said
"Please stop!!" Well, Deb, I'm happy, for
the moment, at least, but S&B are leaving
their Rockport cottage tomorrow, for 8
night's at the Gloucester retreat. They will
come back to Rockport again, for a short
time, before they return to Pa. Hope you
can go for a walk, even though you're in
"slo-mo". Linda used to say, " I can't get
out of my own way"............. Lou

 

I hate feeling grief. But my grief is because of the love I had for Cheryl and it is just like that love everyone else has. Somewhere I read grief is part of me and is part of my existence and my fabric. Even though I said I hate grief it’s like I’m saying I hate myself and there’s something wrong with that. Six needs of reconciliation for the mourner is such a helpful piece of information. I have to come to terms with it. I have to coexist with it. I have to be in agreement with it. very strange. They burn it into our brains at every grief support meeting the only way to recover is to walk through it. That’s where we’re all at. I had a good time when I was out in the woods but now that I’m back home I’m feeling anxious and lonely. I put a tree stand up in the part of the woods Cheryl and I last walked together. I can’t imagine what’s going to be going through my mind while I’m sitting out there? I’m sure it will be a lot of good and bad memories. just like Deb reminds us. George the only helpful suggestion I can make is try to reach out to somebody that’s hurting more than you and encourage them. I go to widows and widowers on Facebook and do that from time to time. I can’t regularly follow the site because it’s too much grief and I can’t handle it. it took about three weeks to get approved for the site. I don’t know why. I thought of George a lot when I was in the woods today. I thought of Lou saying a friendly hello where are you folks from? Which started a great relationship with two total total strangers Which have become fast friends. I wish I could be that outgoing. Karen I’m glad you survived the celebration. I’m not having one for Cheryl other than where I scattered Cheryl’s remains at A fish and wildlife area 75 miles from where most of the relatives live. If everything goes according to plan my remains will be mixed with Cheryl’s. We both love this place and met her sister and brother-in-law and took many hikes there. I’m rambling too much now. So far This day is an official non LMSO day. peace to everyone. Gary

 

Gary, sorry to correct you again. I don't
consider myself as "outgoing" like a
traveling salesman. My first grief
counselor said I had become a " people
person" -----out of necessity, to survive, and
drag myself put of my apartment, my
mourning for Linda, & my painful
loneliness & depression. Don't forget that
I had to go to the ER, & then, a psych. unit
for extreme bereavement & suicidal
ideations. I learned in the counselor led
groups, to care about the other clients,
listen to their stories, & offer comfort,
as they did for me. In the Sinatra song,
"That's Life", he says, "if there's nothing
shaking.....I'll just roll myself up in a big
ball and die. My, my". I know I quote
Sinatra a lot, but I believe he had the
highs & lows of undiagnosed manic
depression, which he "treated" with
booze, " broads", gambling, and fighting.
When I was discharged from the psych.
unit, I would sob when I heard the words
of his slow. dad ballads, like "Cycles" and
"A Man Alone". I had nothing to lose
when I asked that quiet couple where
they were from. I did that when the bar
was packed with tourists from all over
the U.S. & even the world. Most people
wanted to talk about where they lived.
When they asked me to recommend
places for them to see, I happily obliged,
as a local. If I came across a kind couple,
I would occasionally say that I'm a widower. As you said, it's part of who I am.
I'm not the "Fool on the Hill" from the song
by The Beatles. Correction: sad songs, not
"dad" songs. Another typo! Lou

 

Hey Lou thanks for the LMSO. I don’t mind being corrected by you at all. I feel like a stranger in a strange land all the time now. Yes we have been a poet a pauper a pirate a pawn and a king in our emotional roller coaster ride. I felt like I was losing my mind a half hour ago. I had a pear that I was going to eat and I couldn’t find my phone. Well I found my phone in about five minutes. Then it took me 15 minutes to find a pear. Patti glad you got the stitches out and you’re back online. Gary

 

Gary, thanks for quoting that line. I knew
I was getting better, when I could listen
to "That's Life", without weeping. In fact,
I would belt out that line when I was
about to walk outside. It summed up
the roller coaster, of mostly failure,
that Linda & I had. In the rehab unit,
when Linda was struggling with painful
PT, she told me she felt cursed since her
unhappy childhood. She said she only
kept trying to live, bc of her love for me.
Linda became bitter, and said there
were very few good memories of our
lives together: 1st, my proposing to her
during a trip to Bermuda, and 2nd, our
wedding ( without our toxic parents) in a
small Island Chapel in Las Vegas. I had to
remind her that we had many getaways
in New England inns. We were also able
to travel to Ca. & Florida. Part of grief,
unfortunately, is forgetting where you
put things. My problem is dropping things
( I let out a few choice F-bombs today, in
fact. I also bump into doorways. I forgot
to close an overhead cabinet door, which
whacked me in the head. I saw stars.
Spoiler alert: Jonathan, in WN memoir,
talks about being accident prone, in
scary ways, after the shocking, sudden
death of his wife, Joy, in front of him. Lou

 

Hi Gary, will be doing my best to get in the group more often.
Only us that have lost our husband or wife can fully understand
that which we are all going through. It took couple years for me
to search foran on line support group, GIC has been a blessing.
I have felt like you said , "as though I am a stranger in a foreign
land so many times in the past, thankfully that has gotten much
better. " We all will get through this now journey.
I find walking outdoors daily, just being outdoors really
helps me. Blessings.Patti

 

Patti, it always does my heart good to
see you on here. I know you've had some
really bad health scares, on top of your
constant mourning for Jack. So glad you
can finally walk outside. I will try
every day , even in winter, unless there's
ice on the ground. Thanks for reaching
out to our friend, Gary. You & Karen were
2 of the first people I met here. Lou

 

Patti thanks for your encouragement. What a gift it is to be on GIC. I can’t believe more people don’t take advantage of it. I told my support group last week about it. maybe they’re looking but not participating. Seeing the hours of daylight Wane is bringing sadness and the thought of more isolation due to the weather. Cheryl was the best person to be with during the Covid lockdown. When I was depressed and sad Cheryl was always happy. Cheryl liked eating venison and would always praise me when I got a deer. My role has changed along with my identity and status. I’m starting to realize how upside down my life is again. Sounds like you do a lot of volunteer work. Volunteering seems like the best way to raise my self-esteem. I’m glad I’m reading the book permission to mourn because I slowed down on crying. I like being given permission. Gary

 

Gary, I'm impressed with your insights
on this book. I no longer have it, so
thanks for refreshing my memory. As far
as the dreading of the long, dark nights
of winter, I suggest the book, Winter
Blues, by Norman Rosenthal. Lou

 

Karen

Even though Jack's Celebration of Life went well, I'm so sorry, it was so difficult for you having to be there. It makes me teary eyed just thinking about you being there.., the unbelievable pain you must have felt..., and I'm guessing, with so many people around, keeping way too much of it bottled up inside. Sadly, I totally agree with you, as you said, "Mr. Grief will take his good old time." It SUCKS BIG TIME!!! There's really no other way to say it (at least on this site.) As I mentioned to Lou and I think to Gary too, I think that from now on, even when we're able to move forward, (hopefully) find some contentment, happiness, and peace, "Mr. Grief" will always be like a cold, dark cloud, hanging over our heads, ready to explode, soaking us in one of those torrential downpours, without any notice. As I said a moment ago, IT SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

I wish you had better news to share, but I'm so happy you're back. Missed you!!!

Sending lots of extra hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, the only hope I can give you, is that
for a solid year, I would sob every am &
pm, for Linda. It was pure agony. After
using up countless kleenex boxes in my
kind grief counselor's home office, and
just ranting about my survivor's guilt &
inability to save Linda, the therapist &
I had 2 way conversations, and I listened
to her advice. She gave me articles & poems about grief, specifically about the
death one's soulmate. She lent me the
book by Tom Zuba, who she had met at a
book tour. She suggested Jonathan's book,
and was proud of me for emailing him
in NYC, on my own initiative. I know that
therapy isn't for everyone. After my grief
work with this psychiatric nurse practioner, I decided to move on to weekly
phone calls with my current male therapist, Bob. We connect on a lighter
level, bc I tell him about some of my
difficult encounters with both friends &
strangers. We end every session on an
upbeat note, even on a laugh. Lou

 

Lou,

I don't know what I just did, but I managed to delete the mini book I just finished, about how sad it made me to hear about you and Linda having to live out of your car, and spending one Thanksgiving with only enough money for crackers and soda. (So here is a much shorter version of what I said.) However, this story also shows how much you and Linda truly loved each other, you still love her. I think this is the kind of hardship that only true love can withstand. It is a very moving and powerful story... It's making me teary eyed.

I wish you didn't have to try not to feel guilty about treating yourself to a good meal, now that Linda can no longer be with you physically. I know, I say this all the time, but guilt is such a useless emotion. (Too bad I can't follow my own advice, total understatement!!!) Linda would want you to do all the things in life that you find enjoyable. It would make her so happy to know, especially thinking back to that way beyond miserable Thanksgiving, that you are able to enjoy good meals out, with gorgeous water views of the ocean to keep you company.

Timing is everything in life, total understatement!!! I believe Ginny was meant to walk into the coffee shop while you, Steven and Betsy were there... Ginny is on the very top of my growing list of people I wish I could meet in person...

Lou, with the help of all of our friends at GIC, we will get through whatever, as Karen would say, "Mr. Grief" has in store for us. We are stronger than we think we are!!! (Thanks Robin!)

I managed to get a much needed, total understatement!!!, walk in. I started out crying, going through my pockets full of tissues way too quickly, when my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number (usually I don't pick it up unless I do), but I have no idea why, I answered it. To make a very long story short, it was the clerk at the courthouse. I had left her a voicemail yesterday saying that even if it's possible, I didn't want the court date postponed. I also mentioned all the reasons why it wouldn't be fair to the defendant if I'm chosen to be on the jury. She called me to tell me that she spoke with the judge and he excused me... without a note from my physician, solely based on the message I left on the clerk's voicemail. The clerk told me to take care of myself, that she was sorry for my loss. I thanked her for talking to the judge, and that was it. End of story.

Wait...!!! in this miserable foggy widow brain state of mind, I almost forgot to tell you the very best part. Almost as soon as I put the phone back into my pocket, a yellow butterfly flew right in front of me, seemingly came out of nowhere... I watched it as crossed the road, flying higher and higher... until it was out of sight. All I can say is that it was a really good thing I had some tissues left!!! I was crying so hard... I couldn't stop the tears. Thankfully, no one was around. I told Bob how much I loved him, thanked him for watching over me. When I was done crying, I felt better. I enjoyed the rest of my walk. It's strange because all three times I've seen a yellow butterfly up close and personal, each one of them crossed the road as they vanished out of sight.

Now that I'm home, it's bittersweet. I miss Bob so much... I can't stop crying, but at the same time, I know my relationship with him is for eternity. I haven't told my good friend who lives near me about this yet. I know when I tell her about this, both of us will be in tears... happy mixed with sad... the way I think life is going to be from now on.

I still have some catching up to do around here, and as always, I'm frazzled (almost said toasted!), so stopping here for now.

I hope you have at least one reason to laugh your sad off tonight... (I can't stop saying this!!!, love it!!!)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

Thank you for sharing this with me. It is good to know that you can now end your sessions on a much better note. You and Robin are farther ahead of most of us in this miserable journey. The two of you give me hope that someday, I'll be able to laugh more than cry too. I'm so grateful that you are sharing your experiences with us, and giving us advice along the way. You are truly an inspiration to all of us.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou how long did it take you to feel comfortable going out in public? I really don’t want to but I have an uncle in town from Florida and I’m going to meet him at a coffee shop tomorrow. Zuba writes By the moment we are given choices to make between fear and love. The last four hours I’ve chosen fear. Finally I was able to Paw my way out of my own head and encourage someone in worse shape than I. Join you tomorrow. peace Gary

 

OMG, another butterfly and just at the right moment. I have goosebumps hearing about your yellow butterflies, it's Bob it has to be.

 

Patti,

It's so good to "see" you here, total understatement!!! I'm not sure if I missed some of the messages, I have trouble keeping up with them, but I hope you are feeling better!!! I agree with you, GIC has been a blessing for me too. It's like a life preserver being tossed overboard, as I'm struggling to keep on treading water...

I'm glad that walking outdoors helps you. I'm so grateful that I'm able to get outside as much as I do. It is one of the best ways I know how to deal with this total heartbreak.

Sleep well...

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

I think so too. There isn't any other explanation. It's the third time a butterfly has flown so close to me since Bob's death. It's strange that all three times as it flew higher and higher into the sky, it crossed the road.

It's so bittersweet, but it's comforting to know Bob is watching over me.

I hope you're able to get some quality sleep tonight.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB