AngelNew Member I have been in this grief stage for a long time now, feels like forever . It will be 5 years for me on February 24th, 2019. That is the day that my entire world crashed around me. Although we never married officially, I was with the love of my life, my soul mate, for 18 years. His name was Scott. We have a son together, who was 16 when his dad passed. He also raised my other son with me, who was 5 when we got together. At the time of his death, we were in a very bad place in our relationship. Without really going into detail about that, this adds to the great amount of guilt I deal with. The night before Scott would have turned 44 years old, he stepped off the sidewalk and was hit by a UPS truck. They say he died ALMOST instantly. I have tried to deal with the loss of this man, the man who was my very best friend, the man who I've known since I was 16 years old, but it will not go away. I have even been in another long term relationship, which recently ended, since he passed. Still, I can not move on. He is my 1st thought when I awake from night terrors every morning. He is my last thought before I go to sleep, usually crying. I talk to him alot, as if he's still here with me. I just miss him so very much and ALWAYS will. This is my 1st attempt to tell my story, to reach out, in the hope that someone can understand the tremendous amount of pain I am in. The relationship I just left was NOT conducive to my healing. It was actually the opposite. I think I was so scared to be alone that I went into that relationship way too quickly and never allowed myself to deal with the grief. That is what I am trying to do now. If you read all of this, thank you for your time. I just feel I need to get some of these feelings out. I posted this in the questions portion of this site, I am new and wasn't sure where to post. I really have no questions though, just an urgent need to share with people who understand.
Hi Angel. I lost my children's father in June. It has been a very traumatic experience for my kids and I. I cry everyday. I was with him for 11 years and we separated just last year. I can relate to the guilt you feel. I can also relate to life being turned upside down. I wish to die many times but know I cannot leave my children. Sometimes I wish my children and I can die together, because the heartache they feel is unbearable. they cry for their dad and do not understand. You not only lose that person but a part of you. You lose something that was a huge part of you. It filled a void. I have guilt, what if. What you are feeling is valid. You went into another relationship and did not grieve your prior love. that takes a lot of strength to acknowledge and realize that. Ive realized that there is no timeline or end time to grieving. The more i accept it the more it becomes less scary.
I can understand your pain. Losing partners are the WORST , because they are our everything! I lost my first one 18 yrs ago to suicide after being with him f o r 20 yrs. and my 2nd 4 mos ago after 18 yrs. The 2nd died of sudden cardiac arrest in front of me. I can tell you that 5 yrs for a sudden loss is barely scratching the surface esp if you jumped into another relationship before you were ready. In my case I was ready (sort of) b/c the docs predicted he would die for 3 yrs due to severe alcoholism H is death was shocking but not surprising. My 2nd was my soulmate and HIS death hurts TOO MUCH Grief work is the answer, in my op. You never allowed yourself to integrate his loss. A good book is Megan Devine's It is ok that you are not OK. Therapist and griever
Thank you for understanding and sharing with me. It makes me so happy to hear you say 5 years is not that long, because everyone else thinks I should be over it by now, which doesn't help. No one understands. I'm so sorry for your losses too. I got into another relationship exactly 5 months after Scott died and it lasted until recently, over 4 years. When we got together, he was so understanding and told me he would help me through my grief. Unfortunately, as soon as he had me, I had fallen in love and we moved in together, that all changed. Even if it was a different kind of love, it was love nonetheless. If I mentioned Scott's name or made a post on FB about grief, he would get so upset. Said he didn't want to share me, he was basically jealous. I should have left then, but I was and still am so broken. I figured I could deal with the grief on my own, but that still hasn't happened. Scott WAS my everything. We were best friends from the age of 16 to 24, when we finally became more. We raised a family together and he was my best friend in the world. I will never forget the day I had to tell my then 16 year old son that his dad was gone. Between the look in his eyes at that moment and imagining him actually being hit by that truck, I am haunted. Although I wasn't there, I see it as if I were. Thank you for the book recommendation. I will definitely check it out because at this point I don't even know where to begin, which is why I joined this site. During the time since he's been gone, I have lost so much. I got hurt at work, had to have surgery on my neck and am now disabled to the point I can't work. I loved my job and worked so hard my entire life to be successful, which I was. Now, I have lost everything, and the physical and emotional pain is just too much for me to bear.
Thank you for the response and I am so sorry for your loss. I do believe the guilt is the worst part. The last words I said to him were unforgivable. I understand exactly how you feel about sometimes wanting to die, to just end the pain. As you said though, that would be so unfair to our children, our family and friends. I would not have made it this far without my kids, of that I am sure. How could I make them lose BOTH parents? I will be sending you love and good thoughts, especially since it will be your 1st holiday season. I know how tough that is honey. Thank you for reaching out me
