So, you aren't who you were anymore. The 'Now What' is the opportunity of a lifetime.

Losing the love of my life 10 months ago has been a crushing experience. Inadequate empathy tops the list but the one thing that shocked me is the disconnect among those of us in grief when it comes to the consequences from loss. Nothing competes for attention more than the loss of love, a life altering experience that overwhelms us in devastating ways. I envy a lot of people who benefit from the sympathy of others. But there are so many people who admit that they just aren't who they were anymore. I was one of those people, for a while. It's true, I'm not exactly the way I was before now, but a soul doesn't die, and yet it passes along with our loved one. It's almost like an Olympic torch someone carries for miles, powered only by will. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to carry spirit for miles, relying only upon will? Love is like this, until the race is over. We know what to do with love, instinctively. What do we do with the will? We can't rerun the race, where and to whom would that be? What good is a torch now, except to provide enlightenment?

Wandering into the 'Now What' is a daunting challenge, for millions, not just those of us in grief. The old - now what ways - don't work like they used to. But we can't toss out a broken soul and get a new one, time does not heal all wounds either, or attempting to reinvent ourselves often fails in spectacular ways. What I'm suggesting here is that a broken soul isn't in need of a band-aid. What darkened soul needs is its unveiling. It's not about haunting regrets or finding a purpose you can live with. It's about listening to the whispers of perfect strangers, hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. It's about becoming a Champion when it counts. We don't wish for this. It is a gift to unveil a soul, telling the world about the love of your life, and the consequence of changing the lives of thousands. Listen to those living in 'a changed life'....for as long as it takes to know your own.

 

I've found in many ways I have actually grown stronger in terms of my confidence and the ability to manage tasks and mini household emergencies that arise here. I have always been fiercely independent, but in my 14 years with my husband I have to admit, I let him take care of me in many ways and with things that needed to be done on the property. I let him partly because of my health condition and partly because I think I enjoyed taking a break from taking care of myself since I was a teenager when my father passed and my mother was not a strong woman. Don't get me wrong, I didn't sit back and file my nails everyday, we both did quite a lot of landscaping and house renos together, but physically he obviously did more than I could. I helped him with technology and paperwork, not his strong suit, so we balanced each other...in so many ways, emotionally, temperaments, .... he was laid back, easy going, laughed easily, I was and am the high stress worrier, quieter and more depressive one. We were Ying and Yang .
Now I feel I am rediscovering my confidence and strengths....even amidst this pile of broken branches ...I feel like a tree after the hurricane. Broken but still alive. I don't know if all the branches will mend, the tree has suffered so many wounds. I won't be the same tree, how can I? but I am still here...my roots are here, the new shoots may be fragile, might be a very long time for regrowth but I can wait.
Along with the feeling that I have grown confidence, I still pass many moments when fear and panic overtake me and of course the intense grief and overwhelm. That hurricane not only destroyed but left the memories and sadness of what once was. The Now What for me is....to wait...for what? I'm not certain... But yes, I'll be listening...to the whispers and the messages...

 

This was just a fabulous read. I got so much out of this! Couples often see themselves as balancing each other out through partnerships and dependency. My own relationship had some of those traits as well. You mentioned your husband laughed easily. The love of my life did too, often chuckling over something I often thought would upset or annoy her. Having someone to laugh with, even at yourself, is one of the things I miss the most. I need to work on that. Just today I bought some lumber as I'm making under the bed storage drawers, building upon a concept I came across on Pinterest. My hands were full, and I was holding a phone on top of it all - poorly I might add. I wasn't paying attention to where I parked, and I went in one entrance and came out of another. The second I walked out of the store I knew I was in trouble, just a complete bank. I was driving my daughter's car and it's a popular model and popular color and it's not the first time I've encountered two cars and tried to get in the wrong one. This time however, there was a dog in the passenger seat. It was a Dachshund, and you know those dogs are often hyper. But I still had my hands full of wood. I looked everywhere and I was starting to worry it had been stolen. I couldn't carry the wood any longer, so I had to get a cart and just go down multiple rows. It's cold here today so it was starting to bug me. I finally found it and the reason I didn't see it before was because a big white truck blocked the view. It was always stupid things like this that Mitzi and I laughed about...resulting in a Big Mac and a Chocolate Shake on the way home.

Finding strength and confidence in grief is a major step forward in a changed life. It has changed my attitude today as I work on my project. I'm not afraid of making a mistake and making a mess of things. Not being afraid...even for a moment...is such a gift. Thank you for sharing oh so much.

 

If laughter is the best medicine....imagine how our health must be suffering. That is sorely missing in my house, the sound of his crazy infectious laugh. Even the dogs notice the silence. When someone comes to visit, the two dogs come to life, they're animated, they play and wrestle in the house. Imagine the energy I am giving off to the dogs when they're just with me.
The energy surrounding us. Imagine what our loss has done to that. To the energy we exude. Today as well I was trying to remember this book I read years ago, I have it here, it requires me to climb the stairs and look for it so that's on the list for another day. But this book spoke scientifically of how all our emotions, our stress, anxiety, how they are stored in our organs, our muscles.....
What our loss has not only done to us mentally and emotionally but physically as well.
I completely went off topic, but I want to say that your words..your last paragraph...of not being afraid of making a mistake...being a gift...of taking steps forward with strength and confidence..this is the resilience that I hope can ease the struggle, the feeling stuck, the uncertainty of it all.

 

I'm fairly new here - lost my husband last month from a massive heart attack. Today was a tough day for me because we had the memorial service Saturday and friends and relatives who were in town left yesterday. Last evening I came home to a quiet house - same quiet as its been for the past month - but it was suddenly so much deeper of a quiet. A stillness that I had not noticed before. The "Now what" question sucking the air out of the room.

When I went through my divorce over 20 years ago I stayed single for 8 years. Partly because I had a young son with Autism but probably more so I just hadn't met that one. I became self-sufficient during that time even to the point of replacing my own garbage disposal. After we got married my husband would off and on call me "Ms. Independent" because it was difficult to let go of control. He was very handy - (the complete opposite of my first husband lol - but I still enjoyed doing things for myself at times.

The last few years had been tough on our marriage and we argued quite a bit. Between covid and adult children living at home (one mine one his) and job stress we were always tested. The "Ms. Independent" name would come up occasionally and now that he is gone I feel almost guilty stepping in and taking care of things. He passed so suddenly there were a few projects half completed such as installing a new bathroom vanity light fixture and replacing mini blinds. I finished (not without struggle) but I felt like he was saying "Well look at that. You finally got what you wanted Ms. Independent". In an odd way doing things that I need makes me self-concious. That if I'm "happy" to be able to do things myself then I must be relieved he is gone.

 

The 'now what' question looms large for me right now. Shortly after my partner Edward passed through the veil this past February I learned that I had a life threatening condition. I viewed the revelation as a sign that I was supposed to die soon after Edward and not have to linger here without him. It all made sense to me at the time - of course I was not thinking or feeling clearly. After the grueling battery of testing I learned that the disease process is not moving as fast as I we thought, so now I have additional time... I have no images or feelings about what the future holds. My 'now what' is a blank canvas.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and helpful stories.
~ Michael