So sad, depressed and. . .

Well here I am with all sorts of
feelings. Sad depressed disgusted.

My dainty dearness and I had all
sorts of plans, new carpet for the
living room well we got a nice rug
and a new voffee table. We were
going to ho back to our honeymoon
place, go across the street to the
beach sit on a bench and watch the
sun set, hold hands. Go out to dinner. .

 

Well well well, I guess Alex Nicolaus
up there in Tallahassee can not talk
to me or face me over the
phone. How can he? After he told
Northside hospital in St Pete that I
or we were not legally married and
I had my rights robbed from me.
Yeah thanks a lot Nside. I bet
Sofia would have been a bit better
if she had a dyalysis machine that
worked on the night of March 14
but N.side thought it more
important to stick by legality than
to give my wife a machine that
worked.

Well I miss my dainty dearness very
much and yes I am very bitter and
I will never forgive the hospital or
Alex N. up there in Tallahassee
because I was told Sofia had a 30 to
40% chance of getting better had
the dyalysis been kept up and was
given the bronchoscopy Dr. Sawh
told us about.

It is what it is, a total 'pigs breakfast'
and very sad too.

My Sofia and I had been making plans to go back to our honeymoon
place, go to the beach and watch the sunset holding hands and I was
going to take my dear to the Olive
Garden for her birthday on March
the 26.

Yes Alex, you did a very bad thing,
I know it must have made you very
mad to be left out of that phone
conference, so you decide to get
even and really hurt your sister and a guy who really loved her, a guy who never hurt you in any way.
Frankly I think you did a very evil
thing as you thought about getting
even and it did not matter to you
what happened after.

 

Just ramblings,

It is to me rather strange, I get busy
and my mind is on what I am doing
and I don't even think of Sofia.

But late at night or the wee small hours of another day, my dearness
is SO with me. Memories like our
picnics at the park where we could
see the Skyway bridge, sitting in the
Covered sitting spot a few hundred
feet from the shore or at the north
rest area of the skyway bridge having a picnic. Or maybe our
night after we were married. Or
maybe up in Brookesville doing
our civil war hobby, me showing
how the telegraph works.

It is at those times my heart truley
cries and though a few tears are shed, my heart is so broken.

Getting up in the morning and giving or getting a nice hug from
my dearness, watching the Andy
Griffith show, having a good cup of
coffee and her delicious breakfast
bread, banana, blueberry, cinamin
Then making breakfast like a Jimmy
Dean sausage egg an cheese biscuit
And grilling it in my cast iron well seasoned skillet that nutin stuck to
and Sofia was like' wow'

I am going to have to figure a way to get rid of do much anger and
yes bitterness as it eats at me all the
time and I know it does not bother
Alex N. up there in Tallahassee Fl.
No it does not bother him at all,
what he did and also what occured
after he ratted me out.

Dr.Yen at Northside in St. Pete.
Any luck a loved one of yours or
family will never be spoken to as harshly As you spoke about my wife Sofia, with such a total lack of compassion.
I have no idea how you could go to
school to become a doctor and yet
to so not give a damn how you talk
to a patients family.

Well that is it for now.

 

Hi Ray,
I know that this is a tough time for you and my heart goes out to you. Right now, you're angry and that's okay. Right now, you need someone to be held accountable for your loss, and that's okay. You are not alone. You want reasons and answers and for the world to feel your pain. And that's okay. In my experience, when I was going through that, I was SO ANGRY all of the time. I was angry at people that walked by me that had no clue about my situation. I was angry at the world. And one day it stopped. I wrote and wrote and wrote letters to my loved one. But it just stopped one day. Some days I have a moment where I think really angry thoughts and get pissed off all over again. What helped me the most was getting that out, talking to people I trust that supported me through my loss, and feverishly writing. I know writing is not for everyone but in my case, it helped tremendously. I tried to take that anger and redirect it and failed. My mantra became "one minute at a time." It's worth a shot. The day that I stopped being angry was the day that I realized what was truly important in life. It was the day that I started filtering out the things that also made me angry in other areas. You are not alone in your anger. Reach out and talk to people. Even if it's just online. It's okay to not be okay right now. One minute at a time. Wake up each day, get dressed and face the day. It's not easy right now and it may not be anytime soon. It's been a year since I lost my daughter and it's still not. But my perspective has changed. One minute at a time.

 

Dear they liv, I like the olive
branch of peace.

I did just write you to thank you.
I had wondered that anger does
not stay on one subject but strays
all over and makes me mad about
other things in my life? I think it
is that way, causing me to have a
poor attitude about things that
have no connection to my wife's
death.

I am by no means trying to get
out of or escape grieving, no I
am very sad and my heart is
heavy from the loss of a dainty
dearness and as said she will
always be with me.

But I have to accept that what is
done is done and that is it. I can pray for justice and have faith
that someone who ' ratted me out'
Will someday be freaking sorry
for what they did, but to keep on
being angry is really hurting no
one but me.
Sincerely,
Ray G.

 

The anger definitely strays to other aspects of your life, in my experience. You get angry about everything and short tempered...you find you have no patience, tolerance or acceptance of any situation or other people. The day I truly believed that no one in particular was to blame, even though it would make my life easier (so I thought) to blame them, was the day I truly changed my perspective. It's okay to be angry, Ray. That's part of the process. Acceptance will help with the anger. And once you are able to experience what it feels like to not be so angry for the first time, you will truly feel like you are beginning to heal. In this process now, you are what is important. Now, you look at yourself and know that you are loved and supported. It's hard to not blame someone, but that is something that is out of your control. You cannot hold people responsible when now the end result is still the same. You have experienced great loss. The change of perspective from "they took her away from me, it's all their fault," to just accepting that she is gone is a huge step and not an easy one to accomplish. It will come when you are ready. Maybe have that as your minute to minute goal. Rather than the "it's their fault," maybe ask yourself what she herself would've done or would've wanted. Take an honest and open look at the situation. She will always be with you, no matter how she left this world. THAT is a treasure. You will always have that connection with her. Always. And NO ONE can take that from you. It is better to just simply grieve rather than to look to hold someone accountable.

 

Dear They liv,

Somehow I had been thinking of this but thought I was kind of
diminishing my love for my wife,
Something I would not want to do.

I do feel you have given me very
good advice and thank you very
much. It will take me a while but
I have to work on it, I know Sofia
was a bubbly positive lady who
would not want me bummed out
but this is not easy.

I spend a lot of time walking my
dog, a fawn colored Pug and
really mulling things over. It
Will come to me someday to
just drop all the anger and think
of the good times we had.

Sincerely,
Ray G.

 

Dear They liv,
Good morning. I took my pug out
for his walk and to do his business
and sat by the lake and did some
heavy thinking.

Right now I feel anger is a stage
I must pass through or let it go
its course. I am not at all happy
about it but think if I try to
resist it, it will stay around even
longer.

I don' t know if I said I had to
move up to New England from
Florida due to the loss of my wife
so not only grieving but being
uprooted as well.

We had an appointment with a lawyer to put my name on the
house and I was going to put a
Chunk against the mortgage.

Well as it turned out Sofia got very
ill and died before we saw the
Lawyer. And I could not swing
the mortgage and everything
after Sofia passed away.

And so it is, loss of my dainty wife
and upping sticks from a home I
thought I'd be in for quite some
time. . .

 

Well, I guess mood swings are a part of the anger stage. One day
I am ready to send someone' s
sorry ass to ' old sparky' the next
day is ' oh big deal'

In my heart, I guess I still don't
believe it as long held dreams
really stay with me and to me,
the dreams or plans were as real
as my Sofia was alive.

I so looked forward to going back
to our honeymoon place and to
sit on a bench watching the sun set,
holding hands and talking.

Alex N. formerly Alex P. I hope
you never have a woman in your
life because being as mean as you
are, she would so not deserve that.

I see you screen ur calls so you
don't have to worry about me
telling you what I think of you.

Either way I told many who you are
and what your name was b4 you
changed it 40 some odd yrs ago.

Alex, I wish you nothing but deep
sadness and loneliness for what you
have done, to your sister Sofia, a
warm and loving woman and to me,
some guy you never met and who
had never hurt you.

 

I see it is going to be a long sad and
slow journey through grieving. I do
look forward to the grief circle
next Thursday given by Hospice.

Yes this has been one bad-ass life
change I or anyone else never
asked for.
It happened and yes I am very bitter. I do not know if it is part of
the anger stage but I guess I will
have to muddle through it.

 

ray
sounds like you have emotions going all over the place. your world has gone sideways and then sounds as though you have unkind people involved and then you have to move....those are all huge emotions getting all mixed together. i feel so sad for you as you begin this journey of grief with all the other stress to handle. i'm hoping you have support from people who can visit with you or spend time with you anywhere. you will need human contact. chose carefully who you let in because society harshly judges those who are grieving. i hope you don't hear “get over her” “ move on” “get out there and date” etc. i have been surprised and disappointed in the people who have said those sort of things. i’m comforted to hear you intend to visit a grief group. find good understanding compassionate people to associate with. you need them very much. i'm so sorry you lost Sophia. Wini

 

Thank you very much,
Winifred.

Yes I am very bitter. If God
took my Sofia, he knew more
of her than I did. I trust in God.
So God did not need her very
much estranged brother to
'Rat us out to the hospital cuz
we got a committal service from
our church, so Gov. Would not
screw us every month in s.s.

Alex P. Up there in Tallahassee
Fl. In public records ratted out
his sister and a man who loved
her dearly and Northside hosp.
in St. Petersburg, Fl. decided to
put the law b4 the patient, my
wife when she was getting better.

I think it will be a bad day
when Alex N. Formerly
Alex P. Goes b4 God.

I don' t get mad at those who
say," Get over it." they will
learn someday that they
DON' T want to get over it.
others who may tell me to,
"Date again." I did not hear
It. I have to do this my way
and do the grief circle and
maybe a more personal type
of counceling.

Thank you so much for your
kindness, Winifred.

Sincerely,
Ray G.

 

ray im here when you want to talk about your sophia. i wish none of us had to be thrown into this hole called grief. i don't feel humans were built to handle this. it's cruel, sad and so lonely. its a horrible place to be and the majority of us don't have the support and love we so desperately need. it ruins so many of us. i would like to know how it goes at the grief group. my hope is you meet wonderful people who will be what you need. its so confusing because we want and need to heal yet at the same time we don't want to for fear of losing our loved one completely. this journey just beats a person up. God please help all of us. Wini

 

Yes Wini, you are so right
about that. Sometimes I do
not think of Sofia for a few
hours then feel guilty of it.

Awhile ago I lost a great lady
friend and I wrote that losing
her could take down the tough-
est biker.

Yes Wini, I like many gotta take
a trip during the night and tho
quick, it wakes up the head and
it is for s while I lie there softly
crying, thinking if only. . .
So though I get a few hours
here and there of not really
being sad, I morr than make
it up in the wee small hours
of another day

I read somewhere here that
grief works 24/7 and I believe
it is true.

I still, at times think I am in
shock as I just don' t believe
this. We were gonna go back
to our honeymoon place, then
across the street to the beach
and watch the sunset talk and
hold hands and more sweet
picnics at her favorite park,
sit out at the dock, watch the
boats and people have a fun
time. Well I have the nicest
of memories. Back room we
watched ' The Honeymooners
with Jackie Gleason.

Anyways I have to take care
of bizness now but will write
U again later and Wini, I
want to say Thanks so much.

Ray. G.