So Alone

First post here. I lost my husband Ken, after he battled Lung Cancer for 2 1/2 years. I worked full-time plus, and was his caregiver, until his final months at Memorial Sloan Kettering in NYC, and then a horrible rehab facility. Then sent to hospice where he hung on for three days. He didn't want to leave us. It's been horrible, as we all know. But I went into a tailspin starting a week before his first anniversary; he passed July 25, 2022. I feel like I took 3 giant steps backwards. They say the second year can be worse. Feeling so down in the dumps.

 

I am nearly 13 months in, and I feel your pain! I am lost too...

 

Deidre, your horrible story
about the death of your
soulmate, Ken, is truly
heartbreaking, and I"m
deeply sorry. You've come to
the right place, with kind
people, who "get it", when others don't. The Widower's Notebook,
a memoir, by George Santlofer,
brings me great comfort.
Mourning takes on many moods.
Right now, I'm exhausted & need
a nap, talking about Linda. She
died
suddenly in front of me in a
rehab unit. She wss 68. We were
married 20 yrs , no children.
That was over 4 & a half yrs
ago. I used to sob every day, but
not as much now. Lou

 

Dear Kelso,

please get help! I’m not going to be here long tonight, because I have to get back to my mom in a few minutes. You’re not alone and there are more people and more love to live for! You are not alone!

 

Hi Van Gogh,

Thanks for reaching out. So sorry about the loss you suffered. I, too, was with my spouse when he died. I feel like that was a blessing, and also a curse. I can't forget how much he suffered, and how hard he fought to live. It is supposed to get easier with time, but I can see how hard that is going to be. We will always miss them. I will look for the book you mentioned. I am glad it brought you comfort. I wish you a good night! I am glad I am here....

 

Deidre. Please call me Lou. The
Van Gogh name makes me sad
bc he was a tortured soul, with
manic depression (now called
bipolar disorder). I chose the
name,originally,to get on Grief
in Common ( GIC), bc I ,too,
have manic depression, but
treated with modern medications. I've been open about this on GIC, bc my
manic depression intensified
my horror of seeing my wife
collapse in front of me, and I
couldn't get that loop out of my
head & couldn't sleep.I had
suicidal ideations and went to
the ER. From there, I voluntarily
stayed in a small psychiatric unit with 8 other clients. It was a wise move. Rather than be
alone, I woke up Thanksgiving morning , 2018,


with other lonely people, and
we had much needed counseling
meetings & walks in the fresh air. Upon discharge, I went to
a kind grief counselor, a
psychiatric nurse practitioner.
She suggested GIC and recommended this book & others. One unfortunate side
effect of the medication I was
on, since diagnosed at 30, is the
damage it has done to my
kidneys. I'm scared of dialysis
which my brother George
( eyepilot) here, has. I wish I
had Linda with me. We always
went to our doctors together. I
just reread my post to you before my nap. I made a mistake. We were married 25 yrs,not 20. Your post came at a
perfect time. As I was waking up from my nap, I had a dream
that I was trying to help Linda
be more comfortable in her
bed, and was talking to her. She
asked me, in the dream,why I
was crying, which I was when I
woke up just now. Was that a
sign from her in the afterlife ,
saying that I'll be OK? Please
stay with us, Deidre. Without
being too specific, I'm curious if
you live anywhere near the
ocean, a lake, or a river in our
state of Massachusetts. I find
being near any body of water
soothing, and am grateful to
God that I live on the northern
coast of Massachusetts. Lou

 

Thank you, Deborah. I've been saying the same thing to Bruce
( "Kelso")& suggested seeing a
grief counselor. He said he
would ,but hasn't said how it
went, which is not a good
sign. The best thing Bruce is
doing,is to interact on GIC,
and know that we're here for
him, from different time zones
in the U.S. and even from other
countries, like Italy, where
Rose has been comforting him ,&
us, in the middle of night. My
prayers are with you and your
dear mother. Good night. Lou

 

Hi Lou,

I appreciate you telling me your story. I understand manic depression all too well; my father suffered from it. He passed over 20 years ago, and was on medication for it as well. I am sure the meds are better now. I can imagine that seeing your wife collapse would have triggered you. My husband Ken, if he would have ever gone to a doctor for help, would have been diagnosed at least with depression. He self-medicated with alcohol. It was not a perfect relationship, but he is still loved and missed. I am glad that you found help. Sometimes it's hard to get out of this pit I feel that I am in. And I live in Upstate New York. I'm not near the ocean, but I really love the beach and appreciate its tranquility and peaceful feeling it provides when I get to visit. I love Maine, but all the times I've driven up through MA and NH, I have never been to Cape Cod! How is that possible?!

Its past my bedtime, and I am an early riser, so I will close for now. Thanks for your responses! I truly appreciate it. I wish you a peaceful night!

Dee

 

Dee, I was so pleased to read
your detailed response to my
long post, and revealing things
about your father & Ken. When
I was 30, and given the meds,
I was advised not to drink, but
I did anyway, "to take the edge
off". That was a mistake, bc it
sabotaged my meds. Sorry that
I thought you lived in Ma.
Ironically, I went to college in
the Finger Lakes of N.Y. I've
been to Cape Cod. & the South
Shore, but I live on the less crowded Cape Ann & the North
Shore. Looking forward to
"talking"with you soon. Lou

 

no meds for me ever

 

What about that grief counselor,
Bruce? Certain meds ARE
essential,and can save one's
life. BroLou

 

Deborah, I want to wish you all the best for your mother. I hope she will recover soundly, soon.
Take care.
Rose

 

Hello Deirdre, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. We all understand the pain you're going through, trying to adjust to a new life we've been suddenly catapulted into. I lost my 57 yr-old husband suddenly, unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest, over two and a half years ago. It seems like it's just happened though, my mind is still "lost in time", even as I say these words, it still doesn't seem true, that it's all a big nasty joke, or as if I'm living a different life that isn't my real one. I only joined this site more than a year later (I wish I'd done so before), where I've made new wonderful, understanding
friends, giving me so much warmth, empathy and comfort. Oceans apart (I live in Italy) but so near, in my thoughts and in my heart. Others who haven't gone through the same grief cannot possibly understand this feeling of having your world suddenly shattered to pieces, feeling like your whole self has been ripped apart, taken away, being left with just a shell. I manage to go on, first of all for my kids, and also because I feel my C always with me, I often use the expression "fused together", that's what I am with my husband, so even if I can no longer see him physically, he will always be part of me, he made me what I am today, he made me a better person, taught me so much, my one and only true love, the only person who knew me inside out, for better, for worse. I talk to him all the time, sometimes I even get angry with him, asking why he did this to me. Other times, I beg him to forgive me for perhaps not doing enough to save him. If only I'd known, we all thought it was just a bad case of indigestion.
I won't say it isn't true that the second year is worse, but I won't say you will feel better, either. I just want to be honest and share with you my conclusion that we don't heal, our "grief level" never changes, we just learn to live with it, our strength to go on comes from that special, unique love we shared together which will guide us through the rest of our lives, and will gradually help us appreciate happy and joyful moments again.
Take care, and I hope you stay with us Deirdre.
Rose.

 

cantt seem to get out of this rut. my therapist realy isnt helping. trying to change into a new routine is hard. this new routine is killing me. take sleeping pill then be stoopid till it leaves. then what. get a job and get hurt again. no. how do i occupy the day. i am alone. bills are paid tummy full yard done .no one to hang with or talk to.

 

any one herre

 

Get a different therapist,
Bruce? Not sure your sleeping
pill is working ,bc I noticed you
sometimes write in middle of
the night. Lou

 

Thank you so much for reaching out, Rose! So glad I joined this group of supportive, caring people! I am on my way out the door for work here in upstate NY, but will be back later or tomorrow. This whole process of loss is unimaginable unless you're going through it yourself, so I know I came to the right place!

Take care,

Deidre

 

did take it last nite up since 4