My last five and a half years

Dear Deb,

Thank you for your beautiful note. You and Bob shared so much together that can only be said of very special people. Your caregiving and his perseverance is truly inspirational and a testament to the love you had - and have - for each other.
I am very happy that you rescued Skye. Our (I cannot say "my") 3 standard poodles, Elvis, Socrates and Giselle, give me joy and exercise throughout the day. Thank God for them. We (I cannot say "I") have a frisky parrot, as well. He is not large, has a limited vocabulary but is an incredible mimic and clown He and Pierre were as bonded as Pierre was with the poodles. When Pierre ate a croissant in the morning, Chico would throw a tantrum until he would get his share.
Thank you for sharing your ballet memories. I am hoping to continue teaching in our home this summer. Pierre and I designed a room to be a ballet studio with barres and mirrors.
I have a beautiful collar and walking harness which someone just gave me, today. It is a size 14 but is too small for any of the poodles. I woold be happy to mail it to you for Skye. It is a gorgeous, sturdy brown leather collar with matching harness. If you think you could use it, please let me know.
I send you love and hugs.

 

Georgine,

You're making me teary eyed, but only in the very best of ways... No matter what the law says, Bob WILL always be my husband, the one true love of my life. The same is true for you and Pierre. Nothing can ever take away all the very special, beautiful memories you have of the life you and Pierre shared. It's the same for me. Someday, it would be nice if we could remember all the good times without the tears, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I think there will always be tears mixed in with the smiles...

I "get" not being able to refer to your three fur babies as yours, and still refer to them as ours. I have trouble with this too. BTW, I love!!! their names, lol... It totally SUCKS!!!, but I believe that even though Pierre and Bob can't be here with us physically, they're always watching over us... I feel Bob's presence all the time, and talk to him often. Like Rose and Robin, when I have a difficult decision to make, I try to think of what Bob would do. I find his presence so very comforting, yet so very bittersweet, all at the same time. A couple nights ago, as I was getting ready for bed, I had this feeling, I just knew Bob was with me, right at that moment. I told him how much I love him, and that I'm doing everything I can to live the very best life I possibly can for the both of us, until the day comes when God decides it's time for us to be reunited. I immediately felt at peace... It was such an over the top, way beyond beautiful experience...

I love that you have a ballet studio in your home and want to use it to teach in this summer. Having a purpose gives us something to look forward to, adds some structure to our lives, and makes us feel good about ourselves. This is so very important!!!, TUTTAM!!!

I'm so glad you have your three furry family members who bring joy into your life, and make sure you get lots of fresh air and exercise. I can't even begin to tell you all the happiness Skye has brought into my life. She has forced me back into a routine. I have to be here for her, provide her with the structure that dogs need. Having to take care of her, something other then myself, has been one of the best things that's happened to me since Bob passed away.

Backing way up, parrots are the absolute best!!! Two of my closest friends, who Bob and I used to vacation with often, had a parrot named Cisco. Like Chico, he was a fiesty little guy, was spoiled rotten, but I think all furry or feathered family members deserve to be spoiled rotten, lol... I can (almost) picture Chico throwing a tantrum, until Pierre gave him a piece of his croissant, lol...

Thank you for your very kind and generous offer to send me that beautiful collar and harness, but just as it's too small for Elvis, Socrates, and Giselle, it's too small for Skye. If you have a rescue near you, and want to donate it, I think it would be greatly appreciated. A lucky dog would be beautifully "dressed."

I hope however you decide to spend today, it's a good one, the best kind of day you can possibly have, in this over the top, bittersweet world...

As always, sending you, and your furry and feathered family members, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB and Skye

 

Karen,

As usual, you're able to say so much in just one sentence. I wish I could do the same, lol... I agree that in order to find a new "normal" we have to morph into different people, from the people we used to be, when we were part of a couple. It SUCKS!!! I seem to be stuck on SUCKS!!! all over again. Some things NEVER!!! seem to change, TUTTAM!!!

As always, sending you and Winky, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Georgine,

Thank you so much for suggesting this video. I found the link, and bookmarked it on my phone. I'm looking forward to watching it.

I think that some people who haven't suffered this kind of total heartbreak ,don't want anything to do with us, because they are terrified of death. They are so afraid that what happened to us, could easily happen to them. It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!! At a time when we need our family and friends more than ever, many of them desert us. After Bob's death, our friends and family sent me flowers, baskets of food, condolence cards. They did all the things that they probably felt they should do.

After several months, many of our friends stopped calling me. It hurt so much, but looking on the bright side, I finally found out who my true friends really are. I'm very fortunate that I have some really good friends, friends who knew me prior to me meeting Bob, and then knew us, together as a couple, who have stuck by my side, calling me often, sending me pictures, cards, and texts, never letting more than a week go by without talking to me...

When Bob passed away, I felt like a big part of my history died with him. It is comforting to have old friends who shared part of my history with Bob. Although I feel very blessed to have both old and new friends, there is something so special about old friends. I don't feel like the old me has totally vanished. It's a good feeling, TUTTAM!!! I hope this makes sense. I'm exhausted, so going into MIA mode for the rest of the night.

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Hi Deb,

Thank you for both messages. I found your reflections and feelings about Bob's presence very moving. How blessed you both were - and are - to have each other in your lives. Now that you have Skye, you have a loving being who welcomes you home and lives to be with you. As an animal lover (including wildlife), I am thrilled that you rescued Skye. Today, one of my ballet students was happy to take home the collar and walking harness for one of her family's 3 dogs. I made her promise me, however, that if the collar and harness do not fit, that she will return it to me so that I will bring it to a shelter.
If you got a kick out of the 3 poodles' names, you would have loved the last 2 poodles' names: Plato and Cicero. They relocated with us from California
and both passed away, here, in South Carolina. In my family, we had 4 other standard poodles - I laugh when I say "a half-century of standard poodles".

I am glad that you were able to access the Canadian video. It was produced around 2006. While the individuals in the video appear reserved and dignified, their faces and stories show that they have deeply suffered, and their recounting of the lack of understanding of others and rejection by their"friends" is something to which many bereaved spouses can relate. In a way, their attempts to retain their composure while interviewed made their grief more poignant. One widow cried throughout, but it was clear that she was in so much pain that it could not be helped. I was grateful to have discovered that video one year ago.

Enjoy and relax with darling Skye, and I send you hugs and love.

Georgine

 

Oh Deb, I know exactly what you mean about being abandoned by friends but I'm so glad for you that you do have special friends you can talk to. I have good family but no friends really, my C and I did everything together, it seemed like we didn't need anyone else. Like you say, I find it easier to talk to people who knew my C for many years, so we can share memories together and I find this comforting. Some of them though just avoid talking about him, they're either embarrassed as to what to say, or perhaps it's too hurtful for them, or they are just afraid of talking about death. I understand this though, I have reacted the same way in the past when it's happened to other people I know. We humans are not perfect. Your Skye will surely give you more love than any human being could, animals are special for their "unconditional love". We once had a special dog Milo, he was the most loving dog I'd ever known, it was one of the few times I saw my C crying when he passed, we considered him as part of the family, like another child, not just a pet. I know it's not the same as having your Bob, but Bob is with you anyway, always, because he is part of you, so he's living through you now.
Sending you peace and hugs too.
Rose.

 

Georgine, I actually came across that video a few months ago, and I watched it again after you recommended it. I relate to so much that was said, particularly about "turning a page in a book, but never closing that book". That's how I consider my relationship with my C now, it isn't over, just a different chapter.

 

Wow, Rose, that phrase, "turning a page in
a book, but never closing that book" is
exactly how I feel. Yesterday was the 2nd
widowed support group I attended , this
time around. It was so intense that I almost
didn't want to be in this group anymore.
Then, I looked at a new member, a guy in
his 50s, whose wife just died a couple
months ago. He was crying. I had put my
hand on his shoulder and choked up the
first time I met him. When I looked at his
tortured face, I knew my purpose in the
group was to help this man. I even got him
to smile, when we talked after the meeting.
At the meeting, I said that one of my dance
partners persuaded me that it was time to
leave Linda's cane at home, bc it had become an emotional crutch. I agreed, and
told the group everyone grieves in a
different way. Unlike some, I can't look at
our wedding photos, and put them away.
But, I do have a shrine around her
memorial on top of my bureau. I may be
Lou Travolta on a weekend night, but I can
still be lonely and sad during the day, and
a wave of grief can engulf me. I feel
grateful. and blessed, to live by the ocean.
but sometimes, when I sit on a bench,
gazing out to sea, I ache to have Linda
sitting next to me again, physically. I try
to believe Linda's spirit is with me, and
that she's watching over me. Lou

 

Lou, I can't look our wedding photos either, not just yet anyway. I've just had a good scream right now , I'm still screaming and crying out, do you know why?
I've finally read the dedication on the first page of my daughter's thesis, where she writes "dedicated to my father, this goal that we should have reached together with you by my side, and to my mother for giving me strength every day".
Oh, it's so hurtful, so unfair, he should be here.

 

Oh, Rose. You have become one of my
closest friends here, bc like DEB, Robin,
Karen, now Georgine, and others, you're
not afraid to share your raw emotions of
unfairness that C. can never be your side
physically, again, EVER. I read those
words in Jonathan Santlofer's moving
memoir, The Widower's Notebook, which
starts with the horror of seeing Joy, his
wife of 40 years, die suddenly in front of
him, with no way to save her. This was a
feeling you, Robin, Gary, me, and others
know only too well. It is so trite to say,
but bc I live near the ocean, and see the
changing tides every morning, I feel,
intensely, the waves of grief over Linda's
death, even after over 4 years. Just now,
in fact. while washing the breakfast dishes,
I teared up, bc I used to bring breakfast to
Linda when she was sedentary in our
apartment, just as she had done that for
me, in happier times, when she was well.
I am grateful to be on GIC with kind people like you, and to know we can help and
comfort each other, like I am now doing in
a widowed persons support group. Lou

 

After 2 1/2 years I'm still stuck on "SUCKS". Change, what's that? Hum!

 

Ms. Hum, after almost 4 & a half years,
I'm stuck on SUCKS , mostly in the day.
At night, as Lou Travolta, as I told brother
Gary, I DMSO ( Dance My Sad Off).....

 

Are the ladies calling you Travolta yet?

 

No, Ms. Hum.But , like Napoleon, also
short in stature, I crown myself
Emperor of the dance floor. I lose
myself in the music. In addition to my
regular dance partners, I'm not shy
about asking strangers to dance. At the
end, we might ask each other's first
names. No complications. If I do a slow
dance, it's proper, and usually with the
woman who brought me on the floor in
the first place, and persuaded me to leave
Linda's cane at home. I didn't really need
it, but used it as an emotional crutch. Lou

 

Hi Deb,
It seems like we not only share a name, but a bunch of experiences. Although Steve’s death wasn’t exactly like Bob’s, my own brother and two of my sisters never inquired about how he was or ever called or even attended Steve’s celebration of life. My mother stayed home too. This was because we aren’t Roman Catholic and Steve was divorced. After years of attending parties for my nieces and nephews, gifts and paying for vacations for my siblings, they never sent a card or called. I still wonder what is wrong with me that they would just ignore me. My mother frequently scolds me for not being forgiving, warning me about my damnation as a result.

But I digress: You should have been supported. And I am so, so sorry that you weren’t. Death is a part of life. All relationships end. It is the nature of life and relationships. It was wrong for people to leave you alone when Bob died (I hope that I am getting this right.)
I’m so sorry that you experienced this side of people—the side where they end up showing you how fickle they can be, and how they don’t stay with you. You are a great person and so helpful and supportive to so many people who are grieving here. You make everyone feel welcomed and loved and supported. I for one need that. I don’t have this anywhere else. People who are lost in grief still need unconditional love and acceptance. For some of us, there is nowhere else to go. So thank you, and please remember that you deserved better. And thank you for being one of the few people who have been unconditionally supportive and accepting of me during the most difficult times of my life. ❤️

 

Dear Deb, Deb 32, Lou, Rose, Helena and all Grief Warriors here at GIC,
I was about to send an excerpt from the book The Grieving Brain to share with you but, instead, wanted to tell you all how much I appreciate you.

Every. Single. Word -- which you write -- resonates with me. From the shock, numbness of watching my beloved of 40 years suddenly go into cardiac arrest -- followed by the shock and excruciating pain of the lack of my soulmate being next to me - to the realization that no one, absolutely no one I knew, was truly "there" for me. The only one who could - and would - understand the pain and comfort me -- would be him. And, the anger I had for a few of the doctors: Pierre contracted Covid, then I got it, then Pierre went into cardiac arrest the morning when
we were about to leave for the hospital to get the monoclonal antibody treatments. When I was franctically calling one of his doctors when Pierre was in ICU, that doctor could not wait to get off the phone. When his office sent a $10 refund from a previous office visit, I returned it with a letter which told him that he was a contemptible excuse for a human being; let alone a physician. I felt the same way about another one. Then, after reading the memoirs of Joyce Carol Oates and Joan Didion, writers who are well-known in the literary world, I saw that my reaction was not unique: both of these famous authors recorded their experiences with doctors who were either incompetent or non-caring or both.
Like some of you, Pierre and I were alone together. Just the 2 of us. No real "friends". No social network. One adult child, married, living far away with a demanding job. Our son was in shock, flew with his wife to be with me, immediately, stayed for 2 weeks, but then had to leave to return to his demanding job. And, both he and his wife resumed their lives thinking it would just take a few months for me to get back to normal, too. Not so. This is way I relate so much to that Canadian video which I referenced. And, now, every post I read on this side tells me that I am not alone.
But, my dear Grief Warriors, I remain convinced that God has brought us all to this place. It is neither "luck", nor "happenstance" that leads us to come here and comfort each other. It is love. And love is not a rabbit in a hat. It comes from God. When I read Lou's statement about emotionally reacting to a grieving widower at a meeting, it reminded me of an experience I had last summer. I had attended a meeting of a bereaved spouses at my church (Roman Catholic) - and it depressed me so much that I could not wait to exit. I drove to the supermarket to shop, and when a widower from the group saw me, I broke down and sobbed --- there in Produce - between the cucumbers and the lettuce.
Incredible as it sounds, it is not people who have known me who have helped me -- but strangers. One of my neighbors who has never lost a spouse but who is incredibly sensiitive and spiritual -- has helped me, tremendously. A Sister of Charity has taken time to continually write to me and help me. A priest who is a missionary has helped me. And, most of all, my savior, Jesus Christ, has walked with me, put a myriad of experiences before me to comfort me during those times when I am distraught -- and has gently led me to this site to learn from you and grieve with you.

Georgine

 

A note to all Warriors in GIC:

From "The Grieving Brain - The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss" " by Mary-Frances O'Connor:

"Death changes us, and we cannot function in the world in the same way we once did. Ifyou now understand deeply and truly, that people we love
can disappear forever, it changes how we love, what we believe, and what we value. This reevaluation is a form of learning. Coming into contact
with great suffering, experiencing the devastation of wanting so desperately for your loved one to be here as they once were, and suffering the
reality that this is no longer the case, can be overwhelming. These experiences are part of the nature of getting to be born and getting to live.
We will be separated from our loved ones, in ways large and small, from death to divorce, to misunderstanding, to unintentional slights.
Getting through these painful events can also bring us together. Once you have experienced deep grieving, you walk through a doorway to a
whole community of people that you would otherwise never have understood and empathized with. You probably would not choose this door; if the
choice were yours. And yet, here you are on the other side, with knowledge about yourself and a marvelous brain that you can utilize to build
and navigate a whole new world. "

Love to all,
Georgine

 

Thank you so much for the moving
O'Connor quotation. The highest
compliment I can give you, Georgine, is
that my wife, Linda , would have loved
you as I do. We were on the same page
about people, and had unconditional love
for each other, which has made my grief
journey more arduous, but necessary,
if I'm to "move forward" , as DEB says. Lou

 

Georgine, thank you so much for your comforting words and also for that excerpt from" The Grieving Brain". I relate totally to all those feelings, it really is a revaluation, a "rewiring of the brain" as someone has said, I see the whole world around me in a completely different way. I feel as if I died that day too with my C, but then was immediately "reborn", but morphed into another person, reflecting more on "the meaning of life", developing a sensibility and empathy towards others that I'd never experienced before. I was brought up Catholic just like my C, but at the moment, I'm very angry with God, I keep telling our parish priest this when he comes round on the yearly house blessings in our little village. The first year he came after I lost my beloved soulmate, he simply replied that it was OK to be angry at God and if that's how I felt, he would understand me for being angry. I said I kept asking God "WHY?" but never receiving an answer. He told me God will eventually answer me.
Like you say, the irony of it all is that the only person who would have supported us now and that we needed more right now, is actually the person we are grieving for. I was very sorry to hear about the insensitive doctors you had to deal with, unfortunately I've heard other similar stories. I don't know about the situation in your state, but here in Italy, the Covid pandemic has just increased even more the inefficiency of our already degrading health service.

Love to you too.
Rose.