My husband is gone

Jeffry I am glad Fred & Ethel have reawakened some happy memories. Janet sounds like she shares my Howie's love of all animals great & small. I have only just begun this journey but I can completely understand when you say you have lost the meaning or joy in the everyday activities. I loved Friday nights. They were the signal of the end of my work week but more important we shared dinner together and it was our time to rehash the week. It always helped me to switch from "boss lady" to weekend mode. Now Fridays are a difficult day for me. I have no one to share the decompression time with. The days are just bleeding in to each other. Is it Thursday or Saturday? Doesn't make a difference, they are all the same. But and its a big but, as painful as Friday nights are they were the time we talked and shared so much. So many lively discussions about everything and anything. I learned so much about the man he was by those talks. I treasure them even though they hurt. I force myself to tend to the garden because he did. I don't like a single minute of it but this morning when I took my pups outside there was a butterfly dancing happily among the plants. It landed on the back of one of my pups. It made me smile and cry at the same time. When Howie was passing and we were having our last few words he said he would miss our boys. He was referring to our dogs. I promised to scratch all their spots like he did and today I want to believe his energy was in that little butterfly come to visit his boys. It helped me to get through the morning. I am glad I tended the garden. Warm hugs to you, Kelly

 

I swear to God I'm going out of my mind. I'm still a little off kilter from the experience. I got up Sunday and put the coffee on let the boys out & got them breakfast as always. Made two cups of coffee and took one into my husbands room to say good morning. It literally did not hit me until I was in his room and I was looking at an empty bed that he was gone. It shocked me so badly I dropped the cup. It was like hearing it for the first time again. I can't believe my mind was on such auto pilot that I could do all of those things thinking life was as it used to be. After that I haven't done much. It feels like I am back in those first few days of numbness. I am just so devastated again.

 

Today the whys have plagued me. I’ve never been one for asking that question. To me asking why meant you were not moving forward and no matter how hard we dig our heels in the world keeps spinning. Bills have to be paid, dishes washed, laundry done. But today there was none of that. The tears, the ache is like he passed just moments ago. I just want to lay in his arms once again. Sunday was a lazy day of chores but nothing serious, time to talk and big cups of coffee at the kitchen table. Now sundays are endless silence. I miss him so much. Feeling so hopeless

 

Heyhoney,

Sending you a GIANT!!! hug, all the way from SC. Although it might not feel like you're moving forward, you're doing all the hard work grieving forces us to do. Sadly, there is no way to avoid grief, we can dance around it all we want, but in order to continue moving forward, we must go through all the heartbreak, all the pain, let ourselves feel every emotion that washes over us. Today, even though it doesn't feel like it, you ARE!!! moving forward in this over the top, heartbreaking, new world, we've been thrown into.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace... DEB

 

Heyhoney, And there is no warning and no cure. Her absence sometimes seems like an eternity and sometimes like the blink of an eye, but reality is ever present. I understand the concept of moving forward, but I haven't been able to conceptualize a destination. There is only so much laundry and dirty dishes. Sorry for the dark clouds when you were looking for assurance. I'm also having one of those Sundays. I'll just fall back on one of my reliable platitudes, "Tomorrow begins a brand-new week".

 

Thank you Deb I appreciate all the hugs I can get, it’s been a very heavy day. Kelly

 

Heyhoney,

Please know that you are not alone.

It has been 17 months since the loss of my soulmate, but the grief attacks have been intense over the past several weeks.

Our birthday celebrations of each other in August and September are a great part of it. But, the daily back and forth, the conversations, the laughter, the arguments, the wanting to please each other, the taking care of each other, the appreciation of nature, art..... all of it ---- at the end of the day, the pain of this loss is indescribable.

I have found prayer to be the salve. Praying to God for help; reaching out to Him about this pain and asking for help can lift one up out of the abyss. After all, "Jesus wept" when He saw that Lazarus was dead. He wept, because He understood, in His human form, the effect of grief on humanity. He carried His cross for the love of humanity, and we carry ours for the love of our soulmate.

As the artist Vincent Van Gogh said, "The greater the love, the greater the pain."

Kelly, your Howie must have been so special to love you so much and care for you so deeply, and you must be so special to have experienced Howie's love.
Try to focus on this and allow yourself to rest and take time to heal.

Love,
Georgine

 

Thank you Georgine for your kind words. Sometimes it is hard to see the big picture of our lives together and all the good we shared. All I know right now is this stinks. Some days I get by other days I'm drowning.
I appreciate you sharing your own experience. Grief attacks is a very apt description, it does indeed feel like you are being attacked.

 

You describe so well those feelings Kelly. WHY? I think I've worn that word out for the amount of times I've screamed it out. So many questions I keep asking and screaming out which will never be answered. I know its so hard, we will find strength to make it through another day, another Sunday, another anniversary, it's that immense, unique love which we shared with our soulmates that will give us this strength to go on.
Take care.
Rose.

 

Hello Georgine, it's nice to see you back on the site, sorry you're going through a particularly bad time. By coincidence, I also call those bad moments "Grief Attacks" which can last more than just a moment, of course. Mine are also extra strong this month because of both our birthdays and wedding anniversary, so I understand very well how you're feeling.
Rose

 

Thank you Rose. Yes it is probably the timing our anniversary is soon. Funny how when he was alive we really didn't celebrate it, he was a believer in doing the small things every day to keep a marriage happy, the big things were not his cup of tea. Who knew you could cry so many tears. It just never seems to end.
Kelly

 

Rose,

Although this doesn't help, sending you a GIANT!!! virtual hug, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, etc, etc, etc, even though Lou advises us to try to do what he does, just think of them as just one day, I find special days so over the top challenging too. Spring is an especially challenging time of year. Bob was born on the first day of spring, and two of our children were born in April. My birthday rolls around a couple weeks after our youngest son's birthday. Backing up a bit, Easter is always between Bob's birthday and my youngest son's birthday. It SUCKS!!! In October, Bob and I should be celebrating another wedding anniversary, having dinner on the outside deck, at one of our very favorite restaurants, overlooking the ocean, enjoying a long, leisurely, seafood dinner, and excellent conversation. Then there's Halloween, that while our children were growing up, and even after they left the nest, we celebrated BIG!!! TIME!!! Winter brings Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year. Backing way up, our youngest child was born in the summer, her due date was July 4th, but she made her first appearance in this world after the holiday. Then Valentine's Day rolls around. I could go on and on and on, outlasting that Energizer Bunny... The calendar is filled with holidays, so many special days. Days that you and me, and all of the rest of TGW, should be happily looking forward to. Instead, the calendar is filled with "grief attacks." It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!!

I especially HATE!!! when people who haven't experienced the total heartbreak we have, think that we should be celebrating, right along with them, wishing us happy holidays, etc, etc, etc, while excitedly sharing their plans with us, not able to understand that the holidays just don't have the same meaning to us that they once did. While I'm happy for them, and would NEVER!!! want anyone of them to be in the same boat we're in, finding ways to enjoy holidays can be way beyond challenging.

The holidays that I've been able to celebrate since Bob transitioned, while I can say I'm glad I did, having shared some fun times, and lol moments, once home, alone, and lonely again, the tears flowed... While I HATE!!! saying this, holidays/special occasions are days I now look forward to being able to check off on the calendar, in this way beyond f*cked up, bittersweet world, we've been thrown into.

Sending you zillions more hugs, and lots of love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Thank you Deb, for your very kind words, sending you too a great big virtual hug. You're always a real inspiration for us.

Rose

Rose

 

Wow, DEB, I feel like I was lost
in space this whole week. It's
Monday morning, Aug 28th,
and I just read a lot of moving
posts, incl yours,on a different
thread , from a week ago. Lucky
thing I had a kleenex box nearby
bc I needed tissues when I cried
reading every post. I hadn't seen
Kelly " Heyhoney" , or Georgine,
on here for quite a while , and
missed them. I do respond to you
& Rose almost every day, both on
GIC, and in private emails. I like
Rose's Grief Attacks phrase ,
which reminds me of Karen's
Mr. Grief. Hard to believe that
Nov will be the 5th anniversary
of the death of my wife and
soulmate, Linda. I miss her
everyday, and participate in a
widowed persons support group,
where we help each other, like we do on GIC. Lou

 

Lou I thought of you this weekend. I had to get some info from his phone and accidentally clicked on his music. He had several playlists and a wide variety of genres. One playlist was filled with music that I can remember precisely the moment in our lives when we heard it together. So often it was one we danced to. He was an amazing dancer. He promised me one last dance, sadly it was not to be. But it made me smile for a moment thinking of the happiness you have found in music and dancing.

 

Kelly, thank you for thinking of
me and writing to me tonight.
Perfect timing, bc I just read
your post when I walked in the
door,
after dancing at an outdoor band concert. This one was
disappointing, bc the songs
were sleepy and not really for
dancing fast, which I like to do
with my female friends. Finally,
before the concert ended, I saw
2 women dancing. One married,
the other with a boyfriend. I was
so grateful to be able to dance
when it was dark and getting
cold. I wasn't sad that this Mon
night rock band concert was the
last one of the summer there,
bc we have live music at many
places,for dancing, all year. It
was very touching that you
found your husband's music.
Bc I've become more spiritual
since the death of my wife,
Linda, I don't believe in
accidents, or coincidences.
I believe your husband was
sending you a smile of love at
the memory of your music
together. At first, I felt guilty
that I'm dancing with other
women now, and should have
danced more with Linda later in
life. But, then I give myself some
slack, bc when she became
sedentary in our apartment,
we listened to music, and
watched a fun musical
like "Grease"together. Lou