My best friend was killed on his motorcycle, need advice

About 3 weeks ago now I got a call from my friend at midnight just crying and struggling to get words out. We all rode motorcycles together; I always backpacked Jason. I instantly knew he had to have gone down on the bike. It wasn't long before I realized that he was gone. It was so much worse than I could even imagine. Jason was the most responsible rider I knew, he never took risks and always wore gear. Well Jason wasn't killed by accident; the driver deliberately made a U-turn to hit my friend with his car at 60-70 mph. I don't want to go into gruesome details but what I was told about the night will never leave me. My friend watched our boy go away in a body bag after trying to bring him back for 30 minutes. Nothing has ripped a bigger hole in me. To know someone went out of their way to take someone so important from us. I'm 20, Jason was 21, I've never lost anyone so close to me before. I have no idea how to navigate this. I've always felt my emotions very deeply, but this is completely uncharted territory for me. It's only recently sunk in that he's really gone. Seeing his social media slowly get less recommended to me when he was always at the top is destroying me.

I'm specifically reaching out on this platform because there are aspects to the relationship I had with Jason and to my grief that I feel I can't talk about in all its rawness to anyone in my life. He and I became friends near the end of a painful relationship I had. He's the one that got me into riding and showed me a passion I hope I keep for the rest of my life. Our relationship was briefly intimate, friends with benefits or what not. I broke it off because I valued him so much more as my friend and I knew I didn't want anything serious. And that's what we were, we held onto our friendship after that and even both got into relationships after. Now he's gone and I am grasping onto to every single memory I have of him and some of the best and fondest were from our more romantic relationship. I'm still with my boyfriend and I feel so guilty for "reminiscing" about those times with Jason. I for sure can't express my feelings about it to my boyfriend, I just don't think it's appropriate. Especially considering Jason did leave behind an amazing girlfriend who is just so destroyed. I don't think I'm wrong for grieving that part of us, but I guess I'm having a hard time navigating it. He taught me to ride and showed me what 120 mph feels like, how am I ever supposed to forget him? I want to remember every single part I saw of him because he showed me a lot that I don't think a lot of other people got the privilege to see. I miss him so fucking much. He had just gotten to a point in his life where he was so happy and so excited to live, everything was falling into place for him finally and just like that he will never get to experience what he wanted for so long. I am so sad and more so just fucking angry. It's hard to think it won't feel like this forever, I'm reminded of him everywhere I go. I bought a motorcycle last month; our trio was finally complete. I never got to ride with Jason before he was killed. I bought him his first gremlin bell (superstition if you hang the bell at the lowest part of your bike it will protect you from the street gremlins) it's gifted by people that love you and I keep thinking in my head that my goddamn bell didn't work. But I guess there's only so much a guardian angel can do when you've got a target on your back. I find myself yearning so hard for one last conversation with him, send one silly post, anything.